Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

[Lily007]

Well he’s not going to get a reaction from me, whatever shitty tactics he uses.

This no contact stance was really difficult for me in the beginning but as the days and weeks roll on, it gets easier.

Hopefully, I won’t find out what he’s posting, because I’ve made it clear to everyone I’m in touch with, I don’t want to know anything.

[Bluntness100]

Yes, there is a very big difference between being with a man who left his wife, who loved him and is devasted, to be with you and being with a man who left his wife who didn't even want him and was happy to let him go.

In the first you are the victor. In the second you're the garbage collector, the desperate case last chance option, she will have started off being the first, and now not too sure she ain't the second. She might not articulate it, but she must be wondering why and just how honest he has been about the split and what occurred.

There is no way he didn't tell her he left for her, that he couldn't stay, that you couldn't cope without him, how devasted you will be. But he has to be true to himself,,,and now it's looking like he lied through his teeth.

[Lily007]

Wow Bluntness you’ve just made me feel as though everything I’m doing is worthwhile.

For the past 2 weeks the photo he loaded onto Instagram of OW kissing H’s cheek with the caption “Celebrating life 😍” has haunted me. I felt he was deliberately trying to hurt me by letting me know he wasn’t celebrating life whilst he was with me 😢.

Your post has made me think very differently. Thank you so much 😘

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Oh here you are, Lily!

Once again, I agree with Bluntness (except for last time, when I didn't). Your XH will have been slagging you off to OW, your continued silence must be slightly creeping them out. I bet they think you are planning something really, really bad, and they are just waiting for it to hit them...

...so your continued NC is the best thing you could possibly do. LET them wonder! Or rather, let HER wonder. Let her puzzle over why you haven't made any attempt to get him back, and wonder why the stories he's told her about you don't appear to be true....

[WinterSunglasses]

Found you Lily! Your thread's been really helpful to me. Glad to see you back.

[Cuttingthegrass]

You're doing well. But spending too much time ruminating over what he may be thinking. It doesn't matter to your future what he or OW may or may not be thinking. Hope this doesn't come over as harsh. Just experience.

He's chosen his new life. He's shown you that over social media. The family have shown you they haven't cut him off. This is reality however much it hurts.

[Lily007]

Cuttingthegrass. I appreciate how your comment is intended and I am fully aware that what H and OW do or think is of no real importance to my life going forward.

However, the comment that family haven’t cut him off is not strictly accurate. H was only invited to go on the lads weekend on Tuesday of last week after my DS pulled out. Once this weekend is over, H won’t be included in any other “get togethers” as DS and myself are always invited. H is only in regular contact with one member of the lads weekend crowd but that one person very rarely socialises without the others.

The upshot of this is that H will have to seek out a new circle of male friends. I know there’s no reason why he can’t do this but having been friends with the people he’s spent this weekend with for almost 26 years, I’m sure it’ll have an impact because being included in this particular social circle was so important to him.

I know I shouldn’t care one way or the other but I do feel a sense of satisfaction that he’ll be pretty miffed at being left out.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

If you've spent 26 years caring about what someone thinks, does and feels, you can't just turn it off like a tap as soon as you shouldn't care any more.

IME it happens gradually, that you stop thinking of them and wondering about them as your life fills up with other things that aren't them. You can't just will yourself to stop.

And getting it out on a forum like this does help to stop internalising the feelings. A bit of open air and other opinions does wonders!

[Lily007]

Thank you Zaphodsotherhead.

God only knows why, but I’m feeling really low today. It makes no sense but knowing he was out of the country made me feel so much better but thinking he’s coming back today is making me feel awful.

I tell myself over and over, stop thinking about him, but it seems today I can’t shut my mind off. I just want to not care but I miss him terribly despite all the horrible things he’s done and it breaks my heart thinking of him with OW doing things we should be doing.

I’m having another “how can he do this to me when he loved me once” day and it makes me feel so sad 😢

[Dowser]

Oh, I remember you lily.
I do admire your dignified silence
Well done to you.
Yes on a personal level, he’s really hurt you but you are so uch more the bigger and better person
I know what you mean about him leaving the country.
It certainly helped me when my ex went to live in Dubai for 5 years
There was no arguing who was going to have the grandkids for a start!

[Lily007]

This day is getting worse by minute

I’ve been sitting in the garden reading a book with the radio on and LeAnn Rimes “How do I live without you” came on and I’ve just had one almighty meltdown. I don’t think I’ve sobbed this much since he first left. It’s as though anything and everything is upsetting me today.

I honestly feel on days like today that I’m never going to recover 😢

[Goldmonday]

Have you sought any legal advice yet? It might make you feel better to know what you are entitled to so, which may be a lot more than you think

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

You need Kelly Clarkson on - Since you've been gone ..

[WinterSunglasses]

And you need Yes by McAlmont and
Butler. Destiny's Child Survivor. Music is a great mood shifter. Put some on to change yours

[Bluntness100]

Gabrielle..rise again.

Sorry it's another sad day lily.

You're going through a really rough time with this. I don't know what to advise other than trying to get out and do stuff to take your mind off it. I think you're in a vicious circle and until you start to focus elsewhere I think this might continue. I'm not sure really, but doing stuff and keeping busy may help 😔

[WaityKaty1]

I’ve just found this thread again and have been in two minds about posting again. I do have some different views which I don’t think you appreciate. However maybe part of moving on is trying to listen to others views and not just seeking out people to tell you what you want to hear.

You must find things to fill up your mind. Going back to work is a must and I hope you do everything you can to get back on 1 June.

When having the counselling try and let the counsellor lead you and help you focus on dealing with your feelings and grief.

I’m really not sure that no contact and cutting yourself off is the best way for you. Perhaps be brave and talk to someone you trust who went on the Benidorm trip. Try and find out what he is thinking and doing (not with OW but about everything else(). Not cintacting someone is not a sign of strength but remaining dignified during the contact is.

He and others may think you are behaving oddly or It may be that he now thinks you really don’t care at all. I would have thought that telling him what a s**t he’s been but that you are bouncing back is better than hiding away.

You keep mentioning that all his friends are actually your friends who won’t see him any more. If they have been friends for over 20 years they are his friends too and they will probably see him even if they say they are not going to.

I have a friend who brought up her XH’s children and when they divorced (at his request) he told her that she effectively had to get lost as they were his children and she was meaningless to them all. I have always thought this was one of the most spiteful things I ever heard. The children see her in secret now they are adults. Your son may still want to have a relationship with the man who brought him up.

See a lawyer, you should automatically get half of the value of your joint assets. I know you have only a small amount of equity and savings but he may have a valuable pension pot. You need to know this because soon enough he won’t want to pay the mortgage and you need a plan.

There is no automatic right to spousal maintenance, you may get it for a short period. However looking after your Hs school age children for a few years will probably not be a strong case. Also you had a well paid job quite recently so it will be assumed you can find another.

My divorce cost £5k in total (me and XH) but we had agreed everything before we went to them and that was the cost of the legal and court paperwork. If you argue the cost each could be £10k and much more so no one wins as it will eat up the equity.

[Lily007]

Hi everyone. Just back from my son’s house. Him and DIL had a bbq. I wasn’t really in the mood but went anyway. DIL’s parents were there plus her sister and her husband and their 3 children. I did feel like the odd one out but I got through the afternoon okay.

Waitykaty1. I really don’t see the point in me asking anyone what H is thinking or doing. I know precisely what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with! I really don’t see it’s going to do me any favours getting further confirmation.

I am going to return to work on 1 June, that’s a decision I’ve already made.

As for selling the house, I’m still determined to keep it for as long as I possibly can and I really don’t see any benefit in commencing divorce proceedings at this stage. It’s only 10 weeks since he left, so I don’t think there’s any real urgency. I’m not going to be any better or worse off financially by leaving things as they are for a while longer.

I’m not foolish enough to think that my family and friends will NEVER have anything to do with H again, I am certain though that OW won’t be included for a good while and, as far as my son’s concerned, maybe never.

I apologise if you think I’m being weak or unrealistic but I don’t think I’m going to recover from the devastation of losing a 25 year relationship in only a few months.

I’m all for trying to move on and keep busy which I’m attempting to do but sometimes the sadness and hurt overwhelms me.

[takeittakeit]

OP - dignified silence is the way forward.

Like you I never asked, begged to did anything - I let him go.

I have young DCs - if you looked at his and my phone, 90% of the phone calls, text s were him to me.

My lack of confrontation and requests for anything irritated them. It also fed his belief that I did not need him - but hey ho! Everyone can survive and cope just in different ways.

I did not want to know what they were up to - it was fairly obvious, off on holiday with her DCS and leaving his behind. The few friends left would look surprised when they saw me with DCs, when obviously all over facebook were happy clappy family fotos!!!

People would phone me and tell me to stop "doing stuff" and let them be happy - I was doing nothing. One even came round and I gave him my phone, e mail etc and demonstrated I was not phoning her, emailing and one of the seriously abusive things I was alleged to have done - I had evidence of being in hospital under general anaesthetic at the time!!! Said friend - gave me a hug, apologised and said Effing hell takeit - this is screwed up - who looked after the kids? Not them of course!

Twice I lost it at him in 4 years - once when he told DCS that they were going to have a new sib, on the 1 yr anniversary of my Mums death and once when he suggested that I was making DC have major surgery to get attention. It was life threatening, he was in ICU for 5 days.

You keep sailing on the good ship Lily and ride the waves. they will come. There is no doubt there is sadness - there is a sense of loss - it never goes away and the sadness will always stay - someone you loved and trusted has hurt you in a way that is inexplicable to those who have not experienced.

Hoist the sails and carry on!

[Lily007]

Thanks takeittakeit.

I’m not using the no contact strategy for any other reason than trying to save my own sanity. I have no hidden agenda. It’s the only thing I can do to feel in control. Me knowing what H and OW are up to only hurts me and so having no contact either directly or vicariously is the only way I am able deal with it.

I don’t think Waitykaty’s suggestion that I confront H would do me any favours. Indeed I think it would probably only create more hurt which I really don’t need at the moment.

[tootstastic]

Waves to Lily so pleased I've found your new thread! And perfectly named, I might add. This is indeed your time for starting over and I think that's just the way you need to see it. I think we should call it Lily's renaissance period!!

You're doing great, two steps forward and one step back is completely normal at this stage, especially after such a long marriage. But the really exciting thing (even if it doesn't feel like it now) is that you can mould your new life exactly how you want it. I get the impression that your H was slightly selfish/egotistical and may have taken more than his share of the focus for the life choices in your marriage. It sounds like it's time for you to shine now. Your time to absolutely please yourself.

So if you don't feel ready for the lawyers, there's plenty of time for that. As long as you have all evidence of earnings, pension etc. stashed away safely, then you can take your time. At the moment you're busy putting one foot in front of the other and that's just fine for now. Keep working on making yourself look and feel good, it's always the best revenge.

I agree with Bluntness that H and OW will be disconcerted with your NC and wondering why you haven't tried the pick me dance. It's working and it gives you the upper hand for when you decide how you want to proceed.

Here's to rebirth

[Lily007]

Thank you so much tootstastic. A really encouraging and supportive post. Very much appreciated 😘

I’ve no intention of partaking in the “pick me dance” as you call it (love that phrase). I wouldn’t beg for his attention however I low I feel.

I just want to get through each day the best I possibly can and on days like today, when I’m feeling a bit fragile, hope the next day is better.

[tootstastic]

You've totally got the right attitude Lily and the ratio of good:bad days will swing the right way that little bit more every day.

[WaityKaty1]

Lily I wish you well and you sound stronger and more determined.

The suggestion about the Benidorm trip is just to gauge his plans - is he thinking about divorce or stopping mortgage payments etc? It might help you prepare for next ordeal. Perhaps your son could ask them as it would be entirely reasonable for him to be looking out for you and can filter out any potentially hurtful information.

I copied all my XHs financial information, payslip, bank account, pension statement so I knew all the information. This was quite a long time before the official legal stuff started but I was prepared.

I know it’s only been a few weeks and it’s five years for me but trying to pass on what worked for me.

You can do this!

[Lily007]

WaityKaty1. H can’t start divorce proceedings. He’s the one guilty of adultery. It’s 2 years with both parties’ consent or 5 years without. I’m in no rush so we’ll go at my pace.

I know all there is to know about H’s finances and he knows I know so not really worried on that front either!

[WaityKaty1]

It’s sounds like you are well prepared. Friend’s XH just found a lawyer who put together a case fir unreasonable behaviour and she couldn’t afford to spend any money defending it. I think you work as a lawyer so you will know this. Ps my friend was ill and his case revolved around her not doing various marital things (sex, socialising amongst others), horrible and unfair but in the end it wasn’t going to affect the settlement so she just let it happen.