Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

[Summerynights1]

Ok well it’s all a mystery to me having read the thread. It almost seems like it could be more than a mid life crisis but possibly mental health or resentment which has built up due to previous issues.

Alternatively he’s just a silly man having a mid life crisis affair that will fizzle out.

Is he still working or having problems at work now given everything that’s happened?

[Summerynights1]

Sticking to no contact and waiting his next move is all you can do. Stay strong.

[Lily007]

Summery. He’s certainly not got any mental health or resentment issues. All his family problems happened 15 years ago and he’s functioned perfectly well for the last 14 and a half years. I think you’re putting rather too much emphasis on this area of our life.

He’s also very successful in his job and I’ve no reason to believe he’s experiencing any problems there either.

[midsomermurderess]

The flagrant disregard for the damage that they have done in posting the way they are is quite astonishing, really utterly shameless. How do people behave like this? It must be so very hard to bear. But I so admire your discipline in not rising to any of it.

[Lily007]

Hi midsomer

Yes I feel as though I keep getting kicked whilst I’m already down but hey, I’ve got no option but to carry on.

I just feel as though I can’t relax at the moment waiting for the next slap in the face.

I know I keep saying this but I don’t know this man!

[midsomermurderess]

Yes, that is a savage kicker, when you find yourself thinking, who are you? After all this time, who the bloody hell are you.

[fannycraddock72]

Lily it sounds like your ex wore a pretty good mask. People like him need good people like you to uphold his image and make him look good. Sounds like his mask has slipped and you are seeing him for who he really is.

I too got the ‘love of my life’ crap plastered all over Facebook from my ex. But the messages were written by my ex not the affair partner. I kept asking myself if they’re the love of your life what the hell was I for 25 years! It’s baffling isn’t it!

Keep doing what you are doing, maintain the silence and keep your dignity.

[TheRealMrsGarethSouthgate]

Sounds like the steroid use has mushed his brain

Yup sit tight Lily. The tattoo is just must have been to show commitment. But her name he's branded now

[AgathaF]

"Love of her life"???? For goodness sake, that's the sort of shite 15 year olds come out with in public, or very insecure people who feel that saying it validates it.

Idiots. The pair of em.

[Summerynights1]

Well Lily I guess that if there are no life events in your past that could have caused issues and you are convinced he was happy it’s a puzzle. It’s just back to the age old story of a man wanting someone different and younger who appeals to his ego and keeps him happy in bed. If this is the case I doubt he is deliberately trying to hurt you he is just ‘loved up’ and out of touch with reality. He may even thinks you truly aren’t bothered about him if you are maintaining no contact and asking your friends all to tell him you are fine. Eventually it may turn out they are not compatable and he when will move on to another more settled relationship which at least won’t be as hurtful to you. If he is a successful man he will sort himself out eventually and hopefully you can too.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

D'you know, I don't think they do wear masks. I think they just change for each woman they are with - almost as though they mould themselves against the person they are with to mirror her idea of a 'good catch'. I've seen it happen so many times, men seeming to change utterly and become unrecognisable, picking up hobbies they previously would have scorned or habits and activities that they previously dismissed, because that's what the new woman is into. To be fair, I've seen women do it too.

[Lily007]

Morning

I’m really tired of their pathetic antics now. Nothing makes any sense.

A few posters have questioned whether the relationship has been going on longer than I think, it may well have but the fact is they’ve only properly been together for 16 weeks!!!

How the hell can you know someone is the love of your life when you don’t even know the person and to have a tattoo (which he must have had roughly 4 weeks ago to be able to expose it to the sun) is just madness.

I’ll bet she’s not aware he’s still handing over 50% of his monthly salary to me.

Their pathetic attempts at convincing everyone how amazing their lives are may well backfire spectacularly because all the SM posts are just evidence I’m collecting of his spending habits!

[tootstastic]

I think Zaph has a point, some people do just seem to change based on whoever they're in a relationship with. Like you said Lily before he met OW, he wouldn't have been seen dead doing the stuff he's doing now.

It really must be tiring to hear what they're up to, but every day you'll care that little bit less and feel more confident about your future. Just KOKO and you'll get there.

Oh and it's nearly time for a new thread.

[Bellalunagirl]

Their pathetic attempts at convincing everyone how amazing their lives are may well backfire spectacularly because all the SM posts are just evidence I’m collecting of his spending habits!

Now this is genius! When he goes through the legal process he can hardly claim poverty with the lifestyle he is leading.

[bjrce]

The thing is Lily, he is probably being as loving and attentive to her as he's been to you all those years. Perhaps that's why she can't believe her luck in finding such as "Catch"'.
As one previous poster stated he probably thinks you don't care anyway as there has been no contact between you both since he left.
Also, I don't think he is purposely trying to hurt you. He's just not thinking about you. Which is all the more hurtful.
If you think about it. There were signs of his personality, in that after his children lived with you both for 10 years, whatever issues you may have had. After they went back to living with their DM, you both effectively had no more contact with them. I find this very strange, even though they weren't your DC . Surely you would have had an attachment to them also. You both carried on with life with no contact. Obviously it would have been extremely hurtful to both DD their father went on with life with little or no contact. But through all of this he was very kind and loving to you. but they wouldn't have thought the same about him. Obviously I don't know the facts, but have you ever considered that.
Also, I do think you keeping no contact with him at the moment is the best option financially. As soon as they move onto the next phase of their relationship, he will start to consider his options long term, usually that means he will want to get his share of the house , so I do think you should start considering your options and try to be one step ahead of him. I am not saying starting divorce proceedings just don't allow him to have the control over this aspect by being ahead of you and placing you in a more vulnerable position.

[Bluntness100]

Hmmm, I'm not sure lily. I'd assume she does know he is paying the mortgage, I'm not sure it's something he would hide. To be honest I think he's probably doing it because it needs to be paid until a settlement is agreed, or the house will be lost. So I'd assume she knows. Especially as it impacts his disposable income. There would be no need or reason for him to hide it that I can see.

As for the only four months living together, agree, but much depends on how long there were actually together before hand, and how often they saw each other, but affairs aren't real life and they will be on a different footing now, who knows where it will go.

Does it matter though? It's not about them and what they are up to, it's about you and your life going forward,,

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Yes, this thread is about you, your need to vent and stay NC. Their motivations are their own - you can't influence what he does, you can only influence how you feel about it. We can all speculate (especially those of us who've been in the same position) but they will do what they will do.

He is a dick, though.

[Bluntness100]

I would also say I've purposefully stayed away from the children issue, for me, like I suspect for others, it made discomfiting reading.

So I would simply agree that his daughters may disagree strongly with you that he is a loving helpful caring man and that may be worth considering. Especially as they have continued their no contact into adult life. So maybe he has different sides he choses to present to different people.

I know you don't want to discuss it so shall leave it there.

[Serendipite]

Hi OP!

I have spent several hours reading your thread.

You're very strong.

Cheering you on from Oz!

[Summerynights1]

Bluntness as you said before this is a thread on which Lily can vent her feelings which is the help she wants. We can all see the references to many events which would individually cause problems most relationships. Ultimately I hope that while Lily has dismissed them as having no relevance on this forum, she has realised that these are major events which have had an impact on their life and will talk them through in counselling.

Also it’s possible for those of us out the other end to see that letting go of the need to monitor every move they make is a must at some point as is trying to rebuild your own life. These things are possible but they take time and only Lily will know when she is ready.

[Bluntness100]

Ok, a bit bemused summery at your response to me.

Lilly if I gave the impression I was saying you should stop looking at what they do, then I apologise, that wasn't my intent, as you're aware I was one of the ones who suggested you do get back into social media to become immune to it

Personally I think it's totally normal to want to know at this stage. I would.

[Lily007]

Hi All

I’ve started a new thread

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[bethy15]

I would say it's probably not in your best interests to see and look at every post he or now she makes. Maybe looking at her facebook, even if it isn't private may not be the best thing. But even so, he blocked you on SM, so he's not necessarily posting it to hurt you, maybe he really is just living his life.
I know you said his friends asked him not to post due to upsetting you, but if he's blocked you, to him you won't see them anyway. And if you are finding out through other people, if they think it upsets you they could always stop sharing it with you.

I also think his adult daughters not having any contact at all rings alarm bells. For both to have none at all seems off. People are never NC with truly loving and caring parents. Even if they had wayward teenage years, they usually realise where the love is.

[Lily007]

New thread

[kaitlinktm]

Clicky link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3302226-Starting-over-after-25-years-Part-deux