Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

I didnt mean to unnerve u Lily u are doing amazingly it is obviously in near future there will be contact and u are probably still running on adrenaline I know for me it didnt feel real like a bad dream.I think u will handle everything in the impressive and calm way u have and u have good people around you .I didn't mean to offend just from my experience when true enormity of it hit me I had a massive dip for a while xx

Thank you Dard for the explanation. Sorry I took it the wrong way.

AgathaF I hadn’t considered what address he’d given for a new passport, although he may well have gone to the Passport office to collect the new one.

I’m well aware he can, if he chooses, commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, however, he also knows very well that to do so would cause him untold problems. So if that’s the route he chooses, he’ll have to deal with the fall out.

If I choose to commence divorce proceedings, whilst I have OW’s address details, I could have him served at his place of work. Also, he knows only too well that I have several contacts within the legal profession, having worked for many years in that field.

I know I’m going to have bad days, I’ve had many to date, but my really bad days are always after I’ve found something out about what he’s doing, usually with OW. I definitely get through the days easier if I’m oblivious to what he’s up to, hence my total NC stance.

I have days where I hate him with a passion which are easier to get through than the days where I still love and miss the man he used be.

I didn’t have a particularly good night last night, horrible vivid dreams, and I’m not feeling as chipper this morning as I did yesterday. I just want to not care about him any longer but can’t seem to help myself.

I’m going to have to keep myself busy today to stop my mind working overtime 😥

Just prepare yourself, Lily for that first contact to be a packet of divorce papers through the door. I actually ignored all the divorce stuff that my XH sent me, even a bailiff trying to serve them on me! I made him wait the full five years - he was trying to go for two years separation 'with consent' and I fucking DID NOT consent!

But that feeling of holding those divorce papers and knowing, really knowing, that he wasn't coming back, was horrible. That HE was driving the whole divorce and it was all on his terms...but I couldn't afford to divorce him, I didn't have a bean! If I could do it again I'd have slapped those divorce papers on him whilst he was still umming and ahhing about whether or not it was what he really wanted...

But that's just me. You handle it in your own time. But I think that might have been what Darl meant by it getting worse. It's horrible.

Thats the hardest thing he isn't the man he used to be sadly.I hope your day improves.I found the Chumplady website quite helpfulxx

Zaphodsotherhead. I can just imagine how sickening it was to receive divorce papers and I’ll admit, if H serves me any time soon, it’ll just devastate me. I don’t know why as I’m not holding out any hope of a reconciliation, it would just seem so final. Does that make sense?

Thinking about what might happen in the future sends me into a real decline. I really can’t believe this is happening to me.

To think that only 6 months ago H told me “do you know I love you so much, I’d die for you” and then to find myself just discarded without any thought. I’m quite frightened about what the future holds for me 😢

Yeah, mine was doing the 'if you die, I'll have to kill myself because I can't live without you', just a few months before. I felt so secure and so happy (although the children not being his had been a bit of a sticking point). I felt I'd come home when I got together with him.

But, like I said, I'm happy now. That was then and now I can barely remember what it was like to be in love with him. Although the moment he said he was leaving will be etched on my heart forever... I am in a part time relationship with a nice, steady man, my life is calm now and, yes, I'm happy. You will be too. It just takes time.

Thanks Zaphodsotherhead. As you’ll appreciate at the moment I can’t imagine ever being happy again.

When I feel as down as I do today, I really think I’ll never get through this so I just have to hope tomorrow will be better.

I’ve got quite a bit to be getting on with in the house today so I’m going to busy myself so I’m not wallowing.

You will get through these awful and sad feelings we all do eventually. That isn’t to say memories can cause sadness many years down the road. But and this is the thing he isn’t the person you thought him to be. Because that person would t have hurt you. And he is flaunting his current life everywhere

Its the worst feeling in the world.I thought I couldn't carry on or even get through the next hour .I lost my job that I loved and 3 stone.Had the awful dreams and didnt want to leave the house.You will get through it the intense pain will lessen you were together for many years it will take time.I went to relate on my own for 6 weeks.I also saw a councillor who specialised in mindfulness that really helped when thoughts of him and ow constantly swam around my head just simple things to banish them and not let it overwhelmxx

Thinking of you, @Lily007 I'm on that rollercoaster too.

You sound like an incredibly strong person, particularly to go NC. Small steps

Zaphodsotherhead. Just out of interest, how long after you split did XH serve divorce papers? I’m panicking about this happening now 🙈

Cuttingthegrass. I know he’s not the same man who I loved and who loved me but it’s still so hard to accept. I’m sure everyone who’s gone through this thinks the same, but I can’t believe that my life has disintegrated in such a short time.

I really am getting fed up of my own misery now. It’s as though I have a day or two, feeling quite positive and then I have a day when I literally plummet into dispair, like today 😥

I was okay yesterday but today I feel as though I’m never going to recover. I’ve been having a clear out of my wardrobes this morning and I’ve found so many things he’s bought me and I’m falling apart again.

I know everyone says I’ll get over it eventually but I feel so hopeless and old at the moment and I can’t envisage ever feeling better. H wasn’t only my husband, he was my best friend and I miss that terribly.

I hope your day gets better Lily you're still grieving and that stage is so hard. Be kind to yourself until you're feeling more positive. And you are not old! 60 is the new 40 don't ya know?!

Thank you Tootstastic that’s lovely.

I just wish I could stop obsessing about what H might be doing. I try so hard to not think about him and then, wham, something else crops up to remind me

I’ve said before, but I honestly think I’d be coping better if he’d died 😥. At least I wouldn’t have the unrelenting thoughts of him with OW. Even though I’m using NC to stop discovering what they’re up to, it doesn’t stop me wondering.

Hi there, I'm new to your story so didn't see the old thread, but think I get the gist of it.

Just wanted to say that my ExH traded me in for a younger model after 23 years together nearly 3 years ago so there's many of the things you're going through that ring very true with me.

My advice to you (which you can take or leave of course!) is to find one thing every day that's better without him. From little things like the fact that you can choose what you like for dinner or what to watch on TV to bigger things like you get to make decisions based on your tastes (I've redecorated most of my house, it's very girly now!) rather than having to compromise.

Soon these little things will add up to a brighter new life without him

purplelass. Thank you for your post. It’s funny you mention enjoying little things that are better without him. From roughly 7 pm each evening I feel quite content eating what I want on a tray watching the tv. H would always rather eat at the table.

I’ve also been doing quite a bit of reorganising in the house and a bit of decorating too.

I just want to stop missing him so much and I know that’ll come with time, it’s just so hard.

I just want to stop missing him so much and I know that’ll come with time, it’s just so hard

Sorry, I don't know how long it's been on your own or if you have children, but you need to have a chat with yourself about whether you're missing him or just missing having someone around.

If it's the latter, then maybe find a new hobby? I joined a Curves women only gym for company, which has helped greatly.

If it's the former, then you're quite right - time will heal...

Lily - d'you know, I can't even remember when he served the papers on me? I've just wiped it all out of my mind. I do remember the hyperventilating and feeling sick when I realised what they were - I'd been supposing that papers from the court were something to do with me driving in a bus lane, which was under review, and I thought they'd just written to me to tell me it was all dealt with. So the gut punch in realising that it really really was going to happen...set me right back.

Just be prepared. For anything. I know that's a bit Hitchhikers' Guide (Don't Panic), but just be aware that it's the most dreadful feeling, especially when it comes just as you think you are recovering!

purplelass. It’s been just over 10 weeks since he left. We were married almost 23 years and together just over 25 years. I have a grown up son from my first marriage, he lives about half an hour’s drive from me.

As for whether I miss him or just miss having someone around, probably both I suspect.

I’ve been furiously tidying the garden and cleaning the lounge and kitchen this afternoon so I’ve kept my mind occupied and thankfully I’m feeling a lot less tearful than I was this morning. I’m just off out now for a walk, making the most of this lovely weather.

Zaphodsotherhead I’ll bear in mind what you’ve said about being prepared for anything, although I’m sure it’s nigh on impossible to be completely prepared.

Hi lily sorry it's been a sad day but you seem to be developing coping mechanisms, which is good and they aren't every day now, which is even better!

I wouldn't panic about the divorce. When you feel strong enough, get your self in order so that if anything does happen you're prepared and not blindsided into a panic. But right now I'd focus on getting a little stronger every day.,

What happened to the gym and hospice!!! 😁

Hi Bluntness. I have an induction at the gym next Wednesday afternoon. I haven’t enquired at the hospice as yet but it’s on my to do list.

I’ve actually been reading a lot over the past few days, sitting out in the garden which I love.

I’m watching “The Split” on BBC1 at the moment and really envying the character, played by Meera Syal, who’s just been offered £20 million plus a massive house and an apartment as a divorce settlement, that’d definitely soften the blow.

I’m feeling tons better this evening so perhaps you’re right that I’m developing coping mechanisms.

I’m sure I’ll feel better if I can have a decent night’s sleep. Here’s hoping 🤞

Sleep well hope no bad dreams

You’r doing great op!

You’re not you’r

Hope you had a nice meal tonight, on your lap, just as you like it and watching a program you enjoy without interruption. Little things like that are lovely I think ☺️

Well done on the gym!

And your comment is interesting on the program and settlement. Could part of rhe upset your feeling be about financial worry? Rather than being about him?

If you thought you would be ok financially would you feel a bit better? Soften the blow to use your words?

Because that leads us back to seeking legal advice. Not to act or divorce the bastard, but to give you a level of understanding and comfort on financial security.

Bluntness. No, I just meant that if money wasn’t an issue it would be one less worry.

As I said on my previous thread, H pushed me into booking a holiday precisely a week before he left which I had to cancel.

I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit lately and it really upsets me. We were going on 7 July but I won’t be able to afford a holiday now, even if he continues to pay money into my account.

We’ve had some really amazing holidays over the past few years and thinking I won’t have them in the future saddens me.