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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years

975 replies

Lily007 · 19/05/2018 14:13

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

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Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 12:49

Yes, I thought it was odd he moved in with her so soon too but my son said he could inagine him playing the “Ive left my wife for you and I’ve nowhere to live” card.

I agree it doesn’t matter how long he’s been really seeing her and I agree I’m better off out of it.

I just feel that whilst I don’t want him back, I don’t want him to be with OW. I know that makes no sense, it’s how I feel though.

His behaviour since he left has disgusted and shocked me but it still hurts.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 12:55

No, I get that too and think it's understandable, of course you want it to go wrong and then to split, that's normal. It would be weird as hell if you were wishing them much happiness or didn't care at this stage. You will get to the not caring stage though. Or not caring so much.

His behaviour has been ignorant, thoughtless, and self absorbed, so of course it hurts. It's cost him though. And he must know that. But he's done it now. You're playing catch up, that's part of the problem. He knew well before you did.

SummerLife · 08/07/2018 13:07

Totally agree about amount of social media activity being inversely proportional to how lovely their holiday is. And about the total disregard for your feelings he is showing indicating he's not a nice man.

I'm not long home from a first holiday with my DP which was absolutely lovely and neither of us felt the need to be on SM at all.

In any event, there is an ex who would be hurt to see anything, so we don't put anything on SM. That's how it is when you are a decent person. You can leave and still care about your ex's wellbeing and so behave with compassion.

Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 13:42

Hi Bluntness and Summerlife

You’re both right and my head knows he’s a callous, selfish and pathetic dickhead, I just need my heart to know it 😔

I’m mourning the loss of someone who no longer exists, I know that, but it’s so upsetting to think that someone who loved me so much for a lot of years can now care so little.

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Sunflowersforever · 08/07/2018 15:05

Makes total sense you don't want him to be with OW. You're not a robot! Only human to feel this. Not caring will come with time, but give yourself time to mourn the person you were with and who no longer exists.

He's a bit of a nasty bastard now, to be brutal. I'm sure he wasn't always or you wouldn't have been with him for 23 years.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 15:44

I have to say I don't understand it either if I'm honest. As summer says it lacks compassion. I don't understand why anyone would behave as he is, there is normally some sensitivity unless the split is highly acrimonious and that's not the case here, there is simply no contact.

I'm afraid I'd agree he is a bit of a nasty bastard Lilly. Sorry.

Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 15:49

Apologies for my whinging today but.......

What I can’t get my head around is if XH was, as it would seem now, so absolutely infatuated with OW and had been in a relationship for longer than he admitted, why not just leave? Why wait for me to find out?

The way he’s behaving now, it’s as if she’s the love of his life so why carry on making plans for the future with me?

His behaviour, since he left, isn’t indicative of someone who’s trying not to hurt me. The lads on the Benidorm trip warned him to stop rubbing my nose in it by keep posting on IG and FB, it’s not stopped him though!

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Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 16:00

Oh god, I don't want to upset you but I think he sign posted you to it, with the Instagram blocking. I doubt he's infatuated or she's the love of his life, arguably that would be you.

Why wasn't he just honest? I don't know, but as said, from what you've posted this isn't a nice man. I'm really sorry. Hr may well have been once, or can be when he choses to, but he's a nasty streak to him lily.

Namethecat · 08/07/2018 16:01

I know you have decorated a room. But have you rearranged your furniture, chucked anyway anything in the house that he liked and you tolerated. If you can afford it ,buy a new mattress and get gorgeous bed linen, change towels,get a new crockery set
Anything to turn your home from 'ours' to ' yours'.

3catsadogaboyandahubby · 08/07/2018 16:02

Perhaps it's because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too? He liked whatever it is he is getting from the OW but he loved having the security of the loving wife at home. Once you found out, he had to head to the OW to justify his own appalling behaviour.

Perhaps he is behaving the way he is because he is trying to make himself believe that he did the right thing? He would have carried on making plans with you because he never thought you would find out in the first place.

Perhaps he isn't setting out to hurt you, maybe he is trying to convince himself that he is living the best life, even though, clearly, he isn't.

The fact that you haven't risen to any of his bait, that you have not contacted him, or begged to have him back must be perplexing to him. He may be wanting to see if you react to his pictures of his new and "perfect" life. I would think that is his problem and not yours.

You are very inspirational Lily and I hope I could be as dignified as you have been through out this whole ordeal.

Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 16:13

Bluntness. Yes I understand what you’re saying but what I mean is, he’s not trying to spare my feelings now (even having been told he’s being unfair to me) so why not just get out months ago?

If his feelings for this woman were so strong, why not just leave. I understand you might say he didn’t want to hurt me but he’s clearly not been bothered about hurting me since he actually left.

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Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 16:15

I know and I don't understand it either, I really don't. I understand his behaviour before he left, I don't understand it after.

Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 16:17

3catsadog. Thank you. As you’ll gather from my posts today, I’m not feeling my best.

Whatever happens, I will NOT contact him under any circumstances and I won’t react to anything, other than on this thread of course.

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Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 16:18

Oh Bluntness I need an answer 😩😉

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Sunflowersforever · 08/07/2018 16:18

It doesn't sound like his feelings were that strong. You had suspicions, acted on them and called his bluff.

Who knows what his motives are or were, maybe not even him.

However, in my guesstimate, he's having to make this new situation work as he's burnt his marriage and friendships, and needs a home!

To generalise, men are like dogs. They always want an owner.

Lizzie48 · 08/07/2018 16:25

I think he's trying very hard to provoke a response from you, OP. You've flummoxed him with your determination to stay NC. He was expecting you to beg him to come home and he can't bear the fact that you're acting as if you were completely indifferent.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 16:27

The only thing i can think Lilly is he resents you or blames you in some way. Maybe he feels you pushed him into it, even though he basically signalled you there, maybe he feels angry you let him go so easily, maybe he resents the fact you're in the house and he's supporting it, whilst he lives in a shit hole, maybe he resents the fact you will probably be able to take some of his pension and he's financially fucked. Maybe he blames you for th loss of his friends.

These things are all his doing, but maybe he's blaming you in some way.

Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 16:35

Mmmm makes sense I suppose.

Why blame himself for being a twat and ending up on his arse, much easier to blame me I suppose!

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FuckItPassMeTheWine · 08/07/2018 16:37

Agree with sunflowers . He didn’t plan to leave but you didn’t want him there so now he has no choice to make the best of it and is attempting to save face by going along with it all. He would have nowhere to stay otherwise.

I don’t think it’s all smiles and happiness , social media is just a shop front for what people want to show others .

My ex was commenting on my social media pics telling me how much he was in love with me bla bla bla 3 days before he finished with me , social media doesn’t mean a thing.

Chin up Lilly, he’s a shit bag xx

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 16:43

Yeah, I'd agree on the nc thing, he would have expected you to be on the phone to him, asking him to come back, to meet, to help you with things, but going no contact possibly hurt him, his pride at least. So he's done the fuck uou in return. The if you don't care neither do I thing.

Original poster
Lily007 · 08/07/2018 17:06

But a tattoo of her name WTF!!!!!!

OP posts:
BlueAir · 08/07/2018 17:19

Hi Lilly, I've been following your thread but not posted before.
My guess is the your STBX has lost all that kept him on an even keel and normal ergo you, your family, his mates etc. Now his role models aren't around he's left with moulding himself into OW's version of ideal.

And now he just has David Walliams - if she gets fed up with him he's fucked so he's convincing himself her of his fidelity with tattoos and gushing IG pics of piss ups and sitting on a plane.

He's desperately trying to convince himself and IG that he's got it made. Grin

What's the betting she'll having doing her market stall in his string vest before long while she goes to the pub? Grin

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 17:19

Yeah that's a bit weird, it could indicate it had went on longer than he admitted, or it could be she's asking why he's not moving to divorce and is still paying mortgage and he's done it to show commitment. Maybe he feels the relationship is shakey and she might dump him, so he did it to cement it.

Or maybe, he's just a total and utter wanker...

Rememory · 08/07/2018 17:38

He's got to make out like he's the happiest he's ever been and he's living the dream because he KNOWS he's stuffed if she chucks him out. He's convincing himself Lilly as usual it's all about him.

Summerynights1 · 08/07/2018 19:21

I was wondering about your XHs own DC. I think they have been mentioned only once or twice. They lived with you from about 5 to 16 then left. Where do they live now? Did you and XH still see them when they left or was it not amicable? I just wondered if they are supporting him now or he walked away from them. His past behaviour might give you some clues about what he is thinking now.