Should I let him back?

[SprayingMonsters]

Morning 👋🏼

DP and I have been on a break for near enough three months now, yesterday he sent me a text saying that he wants to come back home.

The reasons for the break were :

• He doesn’t help out with the children (I have three children under the age of 10)
• Not interested in doing things as a family
• He is unsupportive
• I don’t agree with that he does

Shall I let him back? I have been doing well by myself.

Thanks and please go easy on me

Hey this is your thread.
You use how you want to.
If you want a damn good rant, then rant away.
We aren't going anywhere!

Who gives a shit what you are accused of?
He can accuse of what he wants.
He is not welcome in your home anymore.
He has a load of stuff that is not welcome in your home anymore.
If you want to pack it up then do it.
With a free conscience that you are doing nothing wrong at all.
I know how you feel right now.

Why should you pack up HIS shit?
I get it - I really do.
I left my Ex stuff for months and months.
But then I had to be rid of it all.
A kind of 'cleanse' if you like.
God it felt good.
And no reminders of him everywhere.

You did well getting rid this morning.
It will do you good packing up all his shit. It's cleansing and it helps give you strength. All
His stuff laying about in your home gives him the impression that it's still his place and he can come and go as he pleases treating you like an unpaid skivvy.
Get rid of it..it's liberating.

I can't believe he had the cheek to wake you with those questions.

I was very 'nice' (too nice according to my friends) I let ex keep his stuff here until he got himself sorted. Some of his stuff he took a year to come and get, but by that point, I'd bagged/boxed it up and put it in the garage. It made SUCH a difference not being around all that clutter all the time. Good for my girls, too, because they could see I was moving his stuff out, it didn't feel like his home anymore, because there was none of his stuff lying about.

TheBogWitchIsBack - I do need to get rid of the clothes, as they are going to be a constant reminder of him, I just want him out of my life completely. I had been doing so well recently in terms of not taking my medication, I know it may not seem a big deal but I was so proud of myself due to the fact that I wasn’t dependent on them anymore, and now I have to start taking them again.

I need to make it up the the kids for being snappy at them this morning, how can I do this, please?

squishy - He doesn’t have any consideration or care about anyone except himself, he never ever once help me throughout my three pregnancies, I need to stop thinking about him because the mood I am in right now, I feel like exposing him!!

@sprayingmonsters

Don't worry too much about the medication. I am assuming they're something like diazepam/lorazepam as you mention being dependent and them sounding like they're something you take as and when, rather than every day. If so, just go back to your GP when you can and discuss the what's happened (roughly). They should be able to give you a chat about dependence, addiction,minimising their use, etc. And, if you are worried about those things, then perhaps they might switch your therapy to something where that isn't such a concern.

You're doing really well

The kids won't mind what you do with them as long as they are with you and they have your full attention, picnic in the garden, movie night with popcorn!
I think I asked before but have you been offered any help other than medication for your anxiety? Counselling can help to get to the root issue.
I expect your anxiety levels might rapidly decrease when you're finally free of this man and are a bit more in control of the situation.

Just have fun with the children...take them to the park, cuddle up on the sofa, let them choose something small (each) to do - one might want to watch a programme, another may want to have 'tickle time' (my oldest still asks for that) etc.

Your medication is needed, otherwise you wouldn't have the prescription. I admire your wish to get off them, but don't let this set you back (in your mind) - sometimes you have to pick your battles....people may choose to get rid of their husband and then stop smoking, rather than trying to do both at the same time (or same with dieting etc), give yourself a break and deal with this other, huge thing in your life.

And you're right, stop thinking about him when you can and focus on you. I got better when I let go of the anger (at him and at myself, for 'letting things get so bad') and moved forwards more quickly.

The kids probably won't even remember later.
But TheBog suggestions are good.
It's lovely here so hope it is there.
A nice picnic in the garden sounds perfect.
Just explain that you had very little sleep and that made you a bit grumpy and you are sorry you took it out on them.

TheBogWitchIsBack - I haven’t been offered anything else accept the medication, every time I go to visit my GP I never stay too long.

The enforcement agents turned up at my house this afternoon, because he hadn’t paid any of his parking tickets he just lets them pile up, I gave them his number and they called him but he wouldn’t answer, I called him also and he wouldn’t answer so I ended up paying his debt for him just to get rid of them, I am just grateful that they were nice to me because if they wasn’t the situation would play on my mind for I don’t know how long.

He is just a fuxking embarrassment, I don’t understand why he thinks he can get away with not paying his parking tickets, I can’t even discuss this with my best friend.

They are his tickets.
Why should YOU pay.
He has not been with you for 3 months.

You have to STOP pleasing or enabling other people.
THINK ABOUT YOURSELF.

Why can't you discuss it with your best friend?
Next time people knock for HIS debts you give them his phone number (as you did) and his mums address.
He is NOT your responsibility anymore.
You need your money for your DC.
I understand why you did it.
But don't do it again.

His debts, he pays.
Keep a note of this as well to discuss with your solicitor so you get that money back.

.....and the next time the bailiiffs come knocking ?

Shampaincharly - Yes I know they were his tickets but it is my address, enforcement agents have never ever visited my house before, this is a regular thing for him he thinks doesn’t have to pay these things, he has had letters before which I have had to pay then he has given me back the money, that’s the only way I could get him to pay.

hellsbellsmelons - It was nearly £1500, he will give me the money back and if he wants to be cheeky about I will start selling some of his things because this is not a game, I can’t tell my best friend due to the embarrassment of it all.

If you get your money back without staying in some form of fucked up "relationship" with him where you have to carry on being "nice" I will eat my sandals.

I know you got offended before but seriously you’ve got no idea of boundaries and what is normal and reasonable both in terms of his behaviour, and yours. You keep making up all these ridiculous excuses when actually it would have been ok to explain the situation and not pay.

You’d really benefit from counselling as you’re an absolute walkover whose actions mean you’ll always be tied to him more than is necessary

I don’t understand why he thinks he can get away with not paying his parking tickets,

Because you pay for them and he does get away with it??

this is a regular thing for him he thinks doesn’t have to pay these things

this is True.. because he has You playing them for him...

Jesus. You tell them he no longer lives there and you give them the address of whatever dive he sleeps in when he's not taking up space in your bed.
The only thing you've done by paying his debt is create another link to him, another reason to be in contact with him.

Jeez, this is really not ok. His debts are nothing to do with you, give them his details and send them on their way. What a waste of space he is!

AnyFucker - Please do not doubt me, I am not going to get back with him, he will pay me back the money, you know I don’t even care about the money right now, I just want him to stay away, the money is the least of my problems right now.

Joysmum - I just wanted them to go away, I don’t know whether you’ve been a in similar situation but it is not a nice feeling.

You say you are not going to get back with him... But you can't stand your ground against a couple of strangers who have no right to YOUR money! How will you stop your XP walking right over you?

Don't be ashamed. The decisions you've made about your relationship are not easy ones to make, but you did it - and you've discovered you're perfectly able to live as an independent woman (apart from the shagging! 🤔) and parent. So bloody well done, Id say. At this stage that's all you need to know and more than enough to work with!

I hesitate to be judgey because people can change, but it really seems like that unless he's had some kind of massive epiphany about who he is as a husband and father and has renounced the criminal activities that put you and your kids at massive risk, he's bad news all round.

Keep going solo. Be resolute. I suspect you won't regret it.

Now you've paid his debt collectors once, I suspect they might come after you the next time.

You really need to get his name off anything to do with the household bills quickly - council tax, water, electricity, insurance, phone, tv licence, the lot. Then you can prove that he doesn't live at your house any more.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas - Have you ever had enforcement agents at your door? This is where me and my children live, as a mother I need to protect our home, I panicked and paid them, it’s over and done with now I can sleep tonight knowing that they won’t be back.