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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I let him back?

262 replies

SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 07:44

Morning 👋🏼

DP and I have been on a break for near enough three months now, yesterday he sent me a text saying that he wants to come back home.

The reasons for the break were :

  • He doesn’t help out with the children (I have three children under the age of 10)
  • Not interested in doing things as a family
  • He is unsupportive
  • I don’t agree with that he does

Shall I let him back? I have been doing well by myself.

Thanks and please go easy on me

OP posts:
Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 06:58

squishy - Thanks, I’m proud of myself that I had the courage to tell him to get out, then I have a stranger telling me that I need counselling, I feel very belittled.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/05/2018 07:05

Why should it be belittling - you’re obviously struggling with boundaries and counselling could be very helpful to you. There’s no need to be so defensive

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 07:18

Costacoffeeplease - That’s how I feel, no one here knows me in person, if you did you would know that counselling isn’t for me. I don’t need strangers telling me “you need counselling” it has offended me so I have every right to be defensive.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2018 07:23

Op, my advice to you now is stay non contact with him. Please don't send him any grovelling apologies that reference any words like "sorry" or "desperate"

Let him "disappear". Don't chase him to see the kids....he uses this against you. When he feels you are sufficiently punished he will saunter back and expect to pick up where he left off. Be ready. Have a contact schedule for the kids where he takes them out of your house. No family time, no meals, no sleepovers, no shags for him.

He chooses to keep you dancing on a string and you have been letting him. No more.

Costacoffeeplease · 18/05/2018 07:23

Then just say thanks but counselling isn’t for me! However, you are going to need strategies to stop things like last night happening again

TheBogWitchIsBack · 18/05/2018 07:25

A man who fucks off for 3 weeks in a huff when he doesn't get his own way is no example to your kids and letting him come and go like that is confusing as fuck for them.
I'm talking through experience. I never knew when my dad would be around or how long for or when he would reappear and it made me so insecure. It was horrendous, breaking my heart every time he left! The best thing he ever did was stay gone.
If he abandons his kids for 3 weeks he's a shitbag.
Go to a solicitor and get some sort of contact arrangement for the kids...this coming and going and disappearing all the time is going to royally fuck them up more than a dad who just stays away. Trust me on that.

chemicalworld · 18/05/2018 07:27

Being told you need counselling isnt trying to belittle you. It helps you to be strong in yourself and decisions. It doesnt mean youve lost your mind.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 18/05/2018 07:31

It’s not belittling to suggest counselling. I agree I think it could be a good option. I’ve been where you are struggling with boundaries leaving an abusive relationship it is hard. You have said you are weak counselling can help you with that and help you manage your anxiety. I’m surprised if you are on medication it hasn’t already been suggested to you before by the dr.
Counselling can help you unravel all the emotions and gain some strength. I think you are currently angry at yourself for letting it get to the stage it did last night and running with adrenaline after a middle of the night confrontation with your dp and are looking around for someone to be angry with. That’s ok be angry with the people on this thread if it helps you get it all out and gain some type of order in your head to give you strength to keep going and keep him out your life.

I do agree though that if he disappears that is not your problem. He’s not much of a father if he does that. He is using disappearing as a way to control you because he knows it’s a weakness. When I stopped chasing my ex and appeasing him he did change a little. He’s still not father of the year ten years later and he does minimal effort to see the dc but he does see them and they are teenagers now and he is reaping what he does. They are generally uninterested in him and they will see them if they don’t have anything else on that weekend. They have a terrific step father who does out in the work with them to spend time with them and turn up for their events. Don’t underestimate how damaging an uninterested father can be in the long term.

Shampaincharly · 18/05/2018 08:30

He came round and tried to stay. Well done for getting rid of him .
Now you need to focus on you and your children. Your children need you to be the person in control .

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/05/2018 08:36

That's great that he's gone. Did you get much sleep last night?

Time now to look after yourself, be strong for your DCs. Reassure them they are safe with you by any means possible. And enjoy the time while XP is disappeared... build up your strength so that when he next appears you can meet him in a neutral place and discuss regular arrangements for him to see the DCs.

Btw, I too think "thanks, but counselling's not for me" is a better response than taking offence. But it was early still and you were probably sleep-deprived and emotionally drained, so your defensiveness is quite understandable!

hellsbellsmelons · 18/05/2018 09:31

that wouldn’t be very civilised of me
But you don't have to be civilised in your own home when someone takes the piss out of you. You feel violated and that's hardly suprising.
This is really hard for you, we can all see that.
But you do need to put that 'people pleaser' side of you to bed for now. Forever really.
Stop 'considering' everyone else here.
Think about YOU and your DC.
You didn't want him there.
You certainly didn't want him to sleep there.
So when he said 'I'm off to bed' you should have said.
OK then, off you go to your own bed. You are not to sleep in mine ever again!
Sounds hard to you, doesn't it?
It's not hard, but for you it will take some practise.

Look at yourself in the mirror.
Start saying 'NO' out loud to yourself.
Over and over again.
No, No, No......
With more and more conviction, the more you do it.

Do not invite him round again.
If you want to do this face to face then meet in public somewhere.
But TBH, he has absolutely no respect for you so you don't need to have any for him. You can and you should end it by text.
I think he will just talk you round if you try to do it face to face.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/05/2018 09:41

Counselling is a fantastic support for hard and dark times.
If it's not for you then that is fine.
But it is recommended on here all the time and it helps many many people get through tough times in their life.
There is no offense at all meant. There really isn't.

I tried hypnotherapy. But that didn't really work for me.
I'm looking into other kinds now to help me deal with a whole heap of shit.
I recommend 'mindfulness' on here a lot.
I've never tried it but I have friends who it has helped immensely.
I'm going down that route next I think.

It might work or help a bit and it might not.
But don't knock it until you've tried it.

Mxyzptlk · 18/05/2018 09:41

he will probably disappear for 3 weeks now! sigh

Good.
That will give you a chance to sort out your thoughts and get some advice on finances and contact arrangements.

Your kids want a good dad. You want him to be a good dad. But in fact he is a crap dad and no amount of you being nice to him is going to change that.

Don't let him near your house again, never mind inside it.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 09:50

Sorry if I came across a bit rude, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it. I am very irritated at the moment, he woke after 4am asking if I had washed his work clothes then had the audacity to ask me if I put his food away for him, he just brings out the worst in me.

I snapped at the children this morning as well, he always gets me into a state.

He is not fuxking stepping back in my house again, he is forever violating me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2018 09:53

God, I don't know how you keep your cool with that twat.

Your life will be infinitely better without him in it

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 10:03

AnyFucker - I know it will be, I’m a lot calmer and happier when he is not around.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/05/2018 10:04

That’s the best reason to make sure he stays well away in future

Lunde · 18/05/2018 10:06

I'm really glad that you managed to tell him to leave this morning - that was incredibly strong of you!

I am shaking my head that he expected you to do "wifework" for him such as washing and cooking. He really thinks you are are his maid!

Keep strong and put firm boundaries in place so that he doesn't try to weasel his way back into your house - expect him to try lots of manipulation to get his way - he will fake being charming and nice or perhaps he will be angry.

Does he have stuff at your house? If don't allow him back - get someone to drop his stuff off. Don't let him in to visit the kids in your house - arrange handovers in a neutral, public place. Keep emphasising the fact that you are separated.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 10:08

Lunde - Yes 80% of his stuff is still here, I want everything of his out of here. I will sit the children down this evening and tell them
that we won’t be getting back together.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 10:09

He probably won’t be interested in seeing the kids now anyway.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2018 10:10

Your kids are better off without a dick like that in their life

dirtybadger · 18/05/2018 10:23

Well done.

Change and uncertainty are difficult for people. Any people, but of course children especially. You can't avoid the change part, but you can try to control some of the uncertainty...so I second sorting a contact schedule asap. Uncertainty for most people is worse (psychologically) than a bad outcome.

AdoraBell · 18/05/2018 10:32

Well done. Is there any family, his not yours, who could collect his stuff? I know that feeling of having the ex’s stuff in your home.

I was tempted to chuck it out of the window, but I was in a high rise flat and even though it would be have been satisfying I didn’t need the housing officer popping round for a chat about my tenancy agreement.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/05/2018 10:35

Well done OP.
Don't worry, we understand your frustrations.
I cannot believe he asked if you'd done his fucking washing.
What a twat.
Well done on not knocking him out!

If he has 80% of his stuff there then I suggest getting a load of strong bin bags and start packing his stuff away.
This will send a message he will receive loud and clear when you start physically 'putting him out' of your life and your home.

Stay angry at him.
Stay focused on keeping him out.
Well done and keep going!

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 11:34

Thanks for understanding. I feel so embarrassed about my rude outburst earlier!

AdoraBell - Yes he has family and friends, but I don’t want coming here, I don’t like them they’re all like him.

hellsbellsmelons - He has got so many clothes, bin bags will not do it, and I am not going to touch any of his stuff I will only get accused of things.

OP posts:
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