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Original poster

Should I let him back?

262 replies

SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 07:44

Morning 👋🏼

DP and I have been on a break for near enough three months now, yesterday he sent me a text saying that he wants to come back home.

The reasons for the break were :

  • He doesn’t help out with the children (I have three children under the age of 10)
  • Not interested in doing things as a family
  • He is unsupportive
  • I don’t agree with that he does

Shall I let him back? I have been doing well by myself.

Thanks and please go easy on me

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 10:18

I can't see this going your way here op. I think the best thing is to text him back and tell him you've changed your mind.

If you must have him over to do it In person then do not cook for him! Don't even offer him a cup of tea, immediately sit him down and get right to the point.
Don't waver.

PointlessUsername · 17/05/2018 10:20

It depends on if he is willing to change the things you have listed.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 10:22

TheBogWitchIsBack - Yes agreed, I just didn’t think. If he comes after work then he will not leave until the morning, I really don’t want him coming here. I need to break up with him, the children aren’t going to take it well, but I can not be with him whilst he is doing what he does, if the police were ever to come looking for him they’d come here.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 10:29

The children keep asking because they think he's coming home. When they know he won't be coming home, because you tell them that, they'll stop asking.

Tell him you have thought about it and it's a bad idea for him to come over. If you have someone to look after the DC, then go somewhere public to break up formally. Or, as it's already half done anyway, just communicate it however you're communicating with him now. Text or whatever.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2018 10:29

You are not doing yourself any favours at all

Meant to be "separated" but sleeping together. Still cooking for him and he stays the night

I expect your kids are very confused. This ridiculous situation is not fair on anybody

I am surprised he wants to "come back" tbh. At the moment you have gifted him the ability to opt out of family life but just saunter back in, give you a shag and bunk up whenever he feels like it. Most nobber's dream, that is.

Emmageddon · 17/05/2018 10:30

Meet him on neutral territory, like a park or a coffee shop - don't let him into your home. Don't provide him with a meal, don't allow him to stay overnight. If you seriously want to separate from him, then you have to be assertive and tell him the relationship is over. Discuss childcare and finances and make it official.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 10:37

dirtybadger - At first I didn’t have any intension of breaking up with him for good, but as time has gone by I don’t want to be with him anymore, I’m happy with things being the way they are, I was unhappy when we were together.

Imagine living with the father of your children, and it’s the weekend and you are going out and he blatantly says he is not coming, it is not nice is it? The only time he wants us to go out as a family is when his family/friends have a gathering

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2018 10:58

he has asked me if I’m cooking when he knows I cook everyday
Easy response.
Yes I am cooking, but not for you.
This is not a social visit it is to sort things out regarding a proper separation, putting boundaries in place and getting regular access in place for the DC.

Do NOT expect sex or to stay the night. That is over.

See you around 7:30 (or what ever time is best for you OP)

Aussiebean · 17/05/2018 11:05

You know, you can change your mind and tell him to meet you somewhere else. Or not at all and just do it via a phone call.

You can do that if you want.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2018 11:21

I’ve told him to come here once he finishes work, he has asked me if I’m cooking

that tells you everything you need to fucking know!

His first thought is for himself.

Every time.

You need to tell him to jog on and STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM.

And - the police coming looking for him-?! Words fail. You say you're concerned for how your kids feel - read that bit through and please come to the conclusion that yes, it is actually better if their lazy criminal of a father isn't seen, by them, being hoofed away by the cops.

You've done amazingly to get this waster out. You're doing MUCH BETTER by yourself, as you say. FGS don't go back to square one!

Costacoffeeplease · 17/05/2018 11:28

Why did you invite him over? I don’t really understand what you want, do you?

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 11:29

I am not going to call him back and tell him not to come, because I don’t want to mess him around like this. I will let him come, I will not be dishing up any food for him or providing him with light refreshments, neither will I let him stay the night.

I’m a little worried about how he is going to take me telling him I don’t want to be with him anymore.

If the police were to ever come looking for him they would come here, the house is in my name but a lot of things are in his name at this address, sometimes I become a paranoid mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 11:31

Sorry I didn’t realise I had already written about the police, that’s now anxious and paranoid I get to have written it twice.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 17/05/2018 11:31

I still don’t see why you invited him over if you’re nervous of telling him - surely a phone conversation or meeting in a neutral place would have been better? And definitely don’t sleep with him, although being in the house will increase the chances of that happening

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 11:32

Costacoffeeplease - I invited him around to tell him, it is not something I could do by text or a phone call.

OP posts:
OverTheHedgeHammy · 17/05/2018 11:36

Why not? Why are you putting him first still? It's time to put yourself first. If you can't handle having him over, then DON'T.

He will just abuse your good manners to get what he wants.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 11:38

Does it make a difference? Text him and state that you have decided not to resume your relationship and that your priority is now the children.

Offer him a contact schedule.

Why tell him when the kids will be home. Best done when he isn’t with you all

AdoraBell · 17/05/2018 11:40

Can you feed the children before he arrives?

I agree, don’t cook for him and don’t let him stay over. Also, keep that thought of the police turning up at your home looking for him when he tries to convince you that you are breaking the family up/hurting him/ being unreadable.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 11:41

I need to think of his feelings in this whole situation, too right? Or am I just being nice?

And I can’t handle having him over, there is a part of me that feels odd when he is here.

OP posts:
squishy · 17/05/2018 11:43

It's not nice having someone not want to spend time with you and your children; I know. I lived for many years doing all the socialising; family trips etc by myself and if I could drag him along (I stopped bothering in the end apart from family holidays) it was miserable and I wished we hadn't bothered (result for him). So we separated and I haven't looked back.

Expect him to be angry. Prepare your words. Be a dripping tap and repeat them, repeat them, repeat them.

My ex was involved in illegal activity but not like yours; I didn't even mention it, I didn't make it seem like his fault because I didn't want him to try and talk me out of it, I 'owned it' "I want to separate: I am unhappy in our relationship. I have asked for change many times and you have not been willing to do so. I have changed, I don't love you anymore".

Sat down and told the children 2-3 weeks later when he'd found somewhere to live (together, but I did all the talking and had agreed what I would say with him beforehand) - I said that mummy has asked Daddy to live somewhere else. (they were 9 and 4). They are thriving - far more now than before the split the house is happier and I am happier.

Practice your words, say them out loud to make sure they sound OK (to you) coming out of your mouth. Good luck!

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 11:47

He is a delivery driver and I have just looked up the company and they deliver up to 7.30pm, so he would probably get here after 8pm my youngest two will be asleep.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/05/2018 11:47

No you don’t need to think of his feelings at all

It sounds so much like it the right thing to do - will you be safe telling him

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 11:53

Quartz2208 - Yes I will be safe telling him, but I’m just worried that after I tell him he will abandon me and the children, he has said it before that he never even wanted children but he gave them to me to make me happy.

I don’t think he loves the children.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 17/05/2018 11:54

If you don’t feel comfortable with him in the house then tell him not to come, why are you thinking of his feelings? Does he ever consider yours?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2018 12:05

You are full of contradictions, love. What do you really want ?

For him to be a better person ? Not going to happen.

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