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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I let him back?

262 replies

SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 07:44

Morning 👋🏼

DP and I have been on a break for near enough three months now, yesterday he sent me a text saying that he wants to come back home.

The reasons for the break were :

  • He doesn’t help out with the children (I have three children under the age of 10)
  • Not interested in doing things as a family
  • He is unsupportive
  • I don’t agree with that he does

Shall I let him back? I have been doing well by myself.

Thanks and please go easy on me

OP posts:
jedenfalls · 17/05/2018 21:30

But is it ACTUALLY for the sake of the children?

He’s a pointless criminal. He adds very little to their lives.

if he wants to see the kids fair enough, but you are letting him blackmail you into dancing round him.

jedenfalls · 17/05/2018 21:31

AnyFucker Said it better.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 21:31

trustnoone2018 - My children do not realise that he is a bad father, he has done things with them since the split. I think him being here is enough for them, my eldest has told me that he didn’t feel safe because he is not here.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 17/05/2018 21:31

As a pp said, you’re setting your children up for a life of confusion, disappointment and appeasing their father - don’t do it to them

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 21:32

jedenfalls - Yes it is for the sake of the children, if he wasn’t for them I would have forgotten about him and moved on a long time ago.

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 21:33

It's your job as mother to reassure your child that he or she is safe when you're there.
Doing things like showing them that doors and windows are secure, installing an alarm.

You're keeping this waste of space around when you could reassure your child.
The excuses are becoming ridiculous now.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2018 21:37

Your children do not know any better. You are the adult here. Right ?

Look at it like this. Even children who are physically abused will defend the abuser because they know no better and fear change

You are doing your children no favours by pandering to this fuckwit in their name

jedenfalls · 17/05/2018 21:40

My point was, it isn’t really for the sake of the children. You just chose to believe that.

The kids will be fine. Put some coping strategies in place. You are the grownup here. Tell them it will be ok, show them it will be ok. They can only see short term and will crave familiarity even if,it,isn’t the right thing for them in the long run.

And get the loser out. It won’t exactly be good for the kids when the police come looking.

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 21:43

At what age do you think the DC will realise he is a bad father? Will it be better then? They will realise...Sad

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 21:43

TheBogWitchIsBack - I am not keeping around, this is the first time that he has stayed over and it will be the last! He is forever taking advantage out of my kindness, any way wait until he wakes up, I’ve had enough of this.

OP posts:
trustnoone2018 · 17/05/2018 21:51

I bet your children will feel very safe once the police come to arrest him because it's only a matter of time. When they will realise you helped their father damage them , they won't thank you for it .

You have an answer or an excuse for everything. You posted for advice, and you got fantastic ones that you have chosen to disregard.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 21:53

I am not going to be taking him back, yes I know that I didn’t take advice given to me earlier, if I would have listened I would not be in this predicament right now.

OP posts:
mookinsx · 17/05/2018 21:59

I think people need to give OP a break. She's in a situation I bet most of us haven't and won't have to deal with. Yes her partner is clearly taking advantage of her kindness, but she's being kind for her kids. Her priority here isn't getting rid of DP it's ensuring her children whom she clearly adores are ok. All of this going on will impact the children and when OP is ready for her children to be impacted by it she can tell them how she likes. Not by making a scene and potentially causing their dad to disappear which as stated she fears he will do and fears will cause distress.
Don't fret OP. Take to the sofa tonight and hurry him out the door in the morning letting him know whatever you need to.
Stay strong in this horrible situation best of luck to you x

AnyFucker · 17/05/2018 21:59

Tomorrow is another day

So what you let him take the piss tonight. It's what you have been doing so far anyway. So far, so ho hum. He still thinks you are a walkover

Tomorrow....prove him wrong. You know what you have to do. Do it...or carry on in this hellish limbo. The choice is actually yours if you could but see that

TemptressofWaikiki · 17/05/2018 22:10

OP, I have been quite direct and vocal to you on this thread in my previous posts. But there is no point to kick you when others have already told you some harsh but very fair home truths. Just let the current frustration motivate you and channel that anger to stop him continuing to take the piss. You just need to be a bit more honest to yourself about your motives for letingt him continue to use you. Your kids will be fine and you will set a great example for them once you grow a backbone and teach them about self-worth and dignity.

PickAChew · 17/05/2018 22:12

If he has a habit of disappearing on the kids, it would be better in the long term if he did go and then stayed gone.

He's a selfish arsewipe of the highest order and he knows exactly what your vulnerabilities are and exactly how much he can get away with.

notapizzaeater · 17/05/2018 22:16

As soon as he wakes up you need to tell him

Cricrichan · 17/05/2018 22:27

Hi lovely. It took me many years to build up to splitting up with my stbxh so I know it's not that easy, usually for a variety of reasons. If I could go back and do it 8 years ago, I would though.

It is very unusual for a 10 year old to say the feel unsafe without him. It sounds like he's been putting ideas into the kids' heads. You've got the power to reassure them and make them feel safe so please do so.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 05:27

I told him to leave, a bit of conflict between us but he has gone, he will probably disappear for 3 weeks now! sigh

OP posts:
Anerak · 18/05/2018 05:48

Take your time, if you're sure about leaving him for good then it'll take some time for him to understand that you mean that. He's gone now but you could send him a message saying, "I'm sorry I sent you away last night but I panicked as I thought it would give you the wrong impression. I mean it when I say that it feels over to me but I desperately hope that you will still be there for the children"

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 05:51

It wasn’t last night, it was near enough 2 hours ago, I am not going to apologise for anything.

OP posts:
Tattybear16 · 18/05/2018 05:53

Seriously get yourself some counselling, you need it. If he’s gone then it’s his choice, if he cared about you or the kids he’d be around. He’s a selfish git, and you’re well rid. Many of us have kids with ex partners who left, life goes on for your kids. You are putting their mental health at risk by allowing this CF to continue playing with your emotions. Pull up your big girl pants and start living for you and the kids. It’s your house, many of us have had to find our own place after the split and start over, your kids will have the luxury of not having to move home, schools etc.... if you ask for advice or help on here you’re going to get it in spades, if you don’t choose to take it well that’s your choice. You need to prove to your children, they are safe, they are loved and cared for every day, that’s your role as their mum.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 18/05/2018 06:15

I refuse to take anyone on here serious, who uses the phrase “pull up your big girl pants” and I don’t need counselling either... are you a doctor?

OP posts:
Bjhsum · 18/05/2018 06:34

Do u love him enough to want him in your life is the real question you should be asking yourself.
Wanting to be with a partner as a family unit is what you should be asking yourself and only yourself.
I think you already no the answer to your Q and need to do what makes you happier.
What I mean by this is say you got 5 responses to the Q u have already posed and each one's notions to keep him at arms length. And then you get 50 r 500 r 5000 follow up responses that say take him back but only if he can show he's done this n that and ticks 2 out of the 3 boxes on a permanent hyposothis and u decide to let him back. 2,3,5 or 10yrs down the line deep down you feel hugely discontent n feel as if those years have been wasted for whatever reasons what do u do, keep on going for the sake of now teenage / young adults who r too busy in there own, now flourishing existence to really notice if u r or have been happy with YOUR life or should younkust keep on going for the sake of...What!
For me personally, I am not qualified to say if u should r shouldn't but what I am qualified to say is that life is too short not to have everyday filled with happiness and total content that what u did yesterday was well worth doing it.
I think in summary this is your life and your happiness do whatever YOU think would make that happen for you and not for the sake of making anyone else happy at a cost of yours. This may seem selfish but it isn't. If anything it's a selfless act for you and your children.
Remember, children are by nature in their early years truly observant and are reflective little monkeys. What I mean is, if they see you're happy then so will they be however, if you're not neither will they be either and in their own little way they will go into protective mode n try to make you safer n happier.

squishy · 18/05/2018 06:49

OP I don’t know why you’d refuse to take anyone seriously - you’ve had lots of support and lots of good advice. Granted, you’ve had some grief and some harsh opinions, too, but you’ve also had people suggesting you should be given a break. I’ve heard plenty of people IRL use that phrase....not one I use (mine is - usually about me - ‘time to woman up’). And, FWIW, anyone in your situation could benefit from counselling - when you’re feeling indecisive; weak; emotional; angry; numb - counselling can help all of those. I accessed it before I concreted the decision to split with my ex and again 2 years later when his behaviour was getting me down - it’s self help, that’s all.
I’m glad you got rid of him, I hope today is a better day for you.

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