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Original poster

Should I let him back?

262 replies

SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 07:44

Morning 👋🏼

DP and I have been on a break for near enough three months now, yesterday he sent me a text saying that he wants to come back home.

The reasons for the break were :

  • He doesn’t help out with the children (I have three children under the age of 10)
  • Not interested in doing things as a family
  • He is unsupportive
  • I don’t agree with that he does

Shall I let him back? I have been doing well by myself.

Thanks and please go easy on me

OP posts:
Lunde · 17/05/2018 12:05

You need to start thinking more like a separated person - at the moment you are living a semi-detached, friends-with-benefits lifestyle that is confusing for everyone.

You need to stop being "nice" - he is not your friend. A friend would never treat you the way he has treated you. He is having the benefits of a relationship - cooking, sex etc. He is using you.

It would have been much better to have this conversation outside the home. Make it clear that you are not cooking for him. If he abandons his own children when he doesn't get his own way - then he's not a nice person.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 12:06

Costacoffeeplease - No he doesn’t, sometimes I feel as if he doesn’t care about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 12:08

AnyFucker - I know it sounds like that bevause I am trying to do the right thing, but I need to think about myself right?

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 12:08

Op

You will never get your fairytale ending. I’ve known men like this who merely have contact with their kids just so they can see the mother. When said mother tries to organise contact without her presence then he suddenly isn’t interested

That’s a risk you need to take.

If he is as bad as you say then the kids won’t miss out much

AnyFucker · 17/05/2018 12:10

Yes, you need to think about yourself. Because he is thinking about him quite enough for 2 people.

You don't want to be with him. You have free will. End it for good and stop confusing your children.

Emmageddon · 17/05/2018 12:19

Put your children and yourself first and kick this loser out. You all deserve better than this.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 12:19

Thank you.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 17/05/2018 14:00

This isn’t about him or you being ‘too nice’, this is about you and your incredibly low levels of self respect. By insisting on seeing him face to face you’re sabotaging your supposed goal before you’ve even started.

Yes this man is a waste of space but for whatever reason, you don’t want to let go and you keep making the same mistakes because you won’t let go.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2018 14:04

but I need to think about myself right?
Of course you should and of course your DC.
But he's a grown up and you are not responsible for him or his 'feelings'
You can't influence someones feelings.
He feels what he feels and that's his look out.
Not yours.
He's properly conditioned you and you need to now back away from that control.
Put you and your wants first.
You get one shot at this life.
Yep, just one!!!!

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 14:19

AgentJohnson - Yes I know it is a bad idea, I wish I never said it now. I am so anxious right now, I suffer from anxiety and I take medication for it and I have been trying to wean myself off taking it, I hadn’t taken it for 22 days and I’ve been so proud of myself, I took one not so long ago so it’s back to square one for me now ☹️

I am always causing problems for myself, that’s what DP says and it’s true.

hellsbellsmelons - I don’t want to be with him, I haven’t wanted to be with him for a while now but I haven’t said anything because I’ve been thinking about the boys. My middle child is special needs and it was extremely hard for him to get used to dad not being around and he asks everyday when he is coming back to live with us, and eldest son who is 10 has recently told me he doesn’t feel safe when dad is not here.

OP posts:
kes53 · 17/05/2018 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 14:35

kes53 - You are entitled to your opinion. This is the main reason I don’t post my problems on here as there is always someone that calls troll

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 14:37

It sounds like you really need to concentrate on yourself.
I suffer from anxiety and would never go off my meds without speaking to my doctor because my symptoms come back after about 2 days of not taking my tablets..it's so not worth it. Take your medication.

kes53 · 17/05/2018 14:39

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 14:45

TheBogWitchIsBack - I know I shouldn’t have stopped taking them, I just don’t want to be dependent on them.

kes53 - This is the first ever problem of mine that I’ve posted on here, there’s been other things that I’ve wanted to post but never went through with it; due to posters like yourself calling troll or saying it’s unbelievable why couldn’t you have kept it to yourself?

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 14:52

I understand that of course no one wants to be dependant on them.
You can take them while having therapy or counselling..is that something you have been offered?
I would honestly rather take my meds for life than live with crippling anxiety.

Living with someone who's violated your privacy, the threat of police coming looking for him at your home and sleeping with him when you don't want to be with him seriously can't be helping your anxiety.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2018 15:05

kes53
You don't have to believe it.
But if you are calling 'troll' you report it to HQ.
Not put it on the OPs thread making them feel bad.
You are either very new here or just heartless.
People sleep with people they have separated from all the time!!!
Yes - they really do!
Give yourself a few years on here and this one will seem very believable compared to others, that are also very real to the person suffering.

OP I'm sorry your DC are not handling it well at the moment.
They will get used to it though.
It will take time - like everything, but they will get there.
You don't want to be with him.
You haven't wanted it for a while.
So please do NOT give in to your anxiety.
Stand your ground and end it.

You are not back to square 1.
This is a big hit for you.
You've taken some meds after 22 days because you recognise you need them right now.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
So don't beat yourself about it.
Do what you need to, to survive for now.

Gemini69 · 17/05/2018 15:54

OP.. take your time and tell him that You are happier with the way things are now... ie without him Flowers

It will be hard of course.. but you're doing the right thing for yourself and your kids Flowers

TemptressofWaikiki · 17/05/2018 16:14

Blimey! Well, you don't need to buy a door mat.... Shock

Wallywobbles · 17/05/2018 16:30

So he comes round tonight. How is that not confusing for your kids? Especially the SN one.

Just text him back. Say:

Sorry just realized you coming here's not going to work. I want to make the separation official so we can both get on with our lives. We need to make a fixed schedule for you to see the kids. How a out every other weekend for starters? You can pick them up on Friday's from school/nursery. And drop them back to school/ nursery on Monday. (Or whatever but the idea is to pretty much make sure you never see him.)
Do you want to start this weekend or next?
I know it's probably not what you want to hear but it's how I feel.

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 16:43

hellsbellsmelons - Thanks, I really appreciate you writing that 💐 it feels like people can’t post things on here without someone saying it’s unbelievable or a troll. I have discussed this with my friends in real life and they’ve told me that I should get back with him, but that’s not what I want.

Temptress - Seriously? Why would you say something like that, is there something wrong with you?

Wallywobbies - Thanks, but I can’t drop the news to him via text, it’s something I need to do face to face. He works 3 days a week one of the days are a Friday, so he couldn’t collect them after work. I don’t even know where he is staying.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 20:14

I wish I would have listened to you all and contacted him back and told him not to come because he turned up this evening complaining that he has an headache and not long afterwards said he is going to bed, now whether or not he is using that as an excuse to stay here the night, I really don’t know.

I’m just annoyed at myself, I had planned what I was going to say to him.

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 20:18

Eh...get him out. Tell him he's not staying. Stop being a pushover he's taking the piss.

pinkhorse · 17/05/2018 20:29

Stop being a doormat! Tell him to leave. He's walking all over you!

Original poster
SprayingMonsters · 17/05/2018 20:30

TheBogWitchIsBack I know he is taking the piss, but I don’t think he is aware that he is doing it, well not tonight anyway.. the minute he wakes up he is to go!

He didn’t even ask if he was ok for him to stay, this is my house not his. I am just so angry.

OP posts: