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Original poster

How should I deal with his sulking?

466 replies

User010101 · 15/05/2018 21:08

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 16/05/2018 07:38

just because he decides to do this doesn't mean that he shouldn't have an equal responsibility to the household chores

And he is showing you how he thinks it should work

if he didn't come to bed and of this continued tomorrow that would be it.

Do you really want to live like this?

LouHotel · 16/05/2018 07:40

OP he's also putting his hobby before the very little time he gets with his DD. That's a big red flag of what to expect if you had children with this man.

Get out now he's gaslighting you.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 16/05/2018 07:43

He puts his hobby before seeing his daughter every other weekend!

He is never going to put you before his hobby, he didn't put his ex wife before his hobby.

Leave this selfish fucker. Your life will be easier without him.

Thebluedog · 16/05/2018 07:47

As Atilla has said above, sulking is abusive behaviour. I’m afraid it’s unlikely to change, my ex (note ex), would use this technique to get what he wanted. If he didn’t want to do the household chores, or didn’t want me to go out, or watch telly, or basically do anything he didn’t want me to/or wanted me to do something, he’d sulk until he got his own way.

Add this behaviour on top of his hobby taking president over everything else (inc you), he’d have to make some huge changes to bring his behaviour in line with what’s acceptable, loving and fair. So do you think he’s ever make these changes?

Don’t let it roll on for another 20 years before trying to address it or move on. Take it from someone who’s been there.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/05/2018 08:27

So he came to bed, but is still effectively carrying on with the behaviour you said you wouldn't put up with. He is, consciously or not, testing you to see how much you will put up with. Where exactly are your boundaries on this? As Attila said, noted the time to follow through and end the "relationship". I put that in speech marks as there is no true partnership here.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/05/2018 08:28

Now is the time, not noted.

MsGameandWatching · 16/05/2018 08:34

He came to bed because you gave him the ultimatum and he sensed it was serious, he's not ready to go quite as far as he wants to, not 100% you'll put up with it. That was a specific thing that you named, that he had better come to bed, so he did it, just in case you were serious. Will be interesting to see how he goes about things today, as what you said about not continuing today is not concrete and can't be measured; he can still carry on sulking but drop in a bit of communication just so it doesn't look too bad and it won't be an out and out defiance of what you said so you'll not be quite sure how to proceed. He's very well practised at this and very manipulative.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2018 08:39

Yep - it's abusive behaviour.
And as others have said, can you imagine having a child with this 'man'?
He's a big twat.
An abusive one at that.
He has no time for his DD and he won't have any time for you or any DC you may have.
That would be YOUR job. Just like housework and shopping is.
He's a MAN!! and you are a little woman and you should know your place.
And if you don't know your place then I shall sulk until you realise it!
Please get out.

Did you buy the house together or do you rent?
In single or both names??
You know what to do.
You wouldn't have posted otherwise.
You are off for the day, so if it's possible (depending on who owns the house etc...) then pack up his stuff into bin bags.
Put them outside.
Simple text to him 'It's over, your stuff is outside so come and collect it'
Job done!
Sort of......

Original poster
User010101 · 16/05/2018 08:43

Just a little update. He got up and is still huffing. I called him out on it again and told him it was shocking behaviour. I asked if he even knew what nagging was and he just said that I do it to him all the time. I asked him to name some examples of when I nag him and he couldn't think of any.

I said that what had happened in the shop wasn't really a big deal and it certainly didn't justify him swearing at me, walking off and not speaking for an entire evening. He said that it might not be anything to me but it is to him and he can't stand when I 'go on and on' at him in public. He said I mentioned about him doing the shopping twice inside the shop and once when we got outside.

He asked if I was going to work and I told him I had booked it off. He asked why and I said it was because I had slept very badly to which he replied 'I suppose that's my fault'. I just asked, 'did I say it was your fault?'

He has flounced out of the room now and is obviously still waiting on my apology. Don't know how to proceed. I am so stressed out over all this.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 16/05/2018 08:46

Show him the door, you're actually missing work over this!
He doesn't prioritise his child either, you're in a position to choose your future and from bitter experience you'd be a fool to choose this.

Ellie56 · 16/05/2018 08:50

You know he won't get any better. Just tell him to pack his bags and piss off. Life is too short to put up with twats like this. And I too amShock that he puts his hobby before his daughter.

Rosielily · 16/05/2018 08:53

Whose house is it?

LilySwamp · 16/05/2018 08:58

This sounds so like my ex - it's like living with a barrister
who remembers every tiny detail of an ordinary conversation
then picks over every syllable.

You're explaining to him, op, it won't work, you won't convince him
to see how wrong his behaviour is. The man is what he is and it's
not pleasant.

The choice is simple really, either you have to learn to accommodate his
controlling behaviour or you ask him to leave.

As you're finding this type of behaviour affects your life far deeper than can be explained.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2018 08:59

User

Why do you at all continue to engage in conversation with this man?. What is in this still for you that you cannot bring yourself to throw him out?

Original poster
User010101 · 16/05/2018 08:59

It is a rented house but in my name. I think I will give him 2 weeks to get somewhere else. I know it's stupid but I feel bad as he has nowhere else to go.

When I first met him he definitely didn't tell me that he would be training 7 days a week. He said that it was intense for about 3 to 4 months of the year coming up to races and then slacked off. Apparently this regime is to ensure he is strong and doesn't get injured. Hmm

OP posts:
category12 · 16/05/2018 08:59

Reading back and seeing that he leaves his dd on his contact weekend to do his hobby? That's awful and I'd strongly advise you not to have dc with him. (Ideally you'd ditch him right now, as a selfish arse, but dunno if you're there yet).

category12 · 16/05/2018 09:01

X-posted.

That sounds a good plan. Flowers

MsGameandWatching · 16/05/2018 09:02

I'd have said "yes it is your fault" I am struggling to comprehend such abusive upsetting behaviour and I need to make arrangements to get out of this situation".

The only way this isn't the end of your relationship is if you submit and apologise and accept that this is your life now.

Original poster
User010101 · 16/05/2018 09:04

He came upstairs just before he left the house and said in a sad voice, 'enjoy your day off. See you later'. No kiss goodbye, of course.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2018 09:10

"I think I will give him 2 weeks to get somewhere else. I know it's stupid but I feel bad as he has nowhere else to go".

No to giving him two weeks notice to get somewhere else; he does not need that long and its simply giving him two more weeks be abusive to you. Where he goes now is not your problem so do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Why is he at all so deserving of consideration from you at all?. He has and is simply using your own niceness against you here. Look at how he treated you this morning, he is doing this because he can.

Rosielily · 16/05/2018 09:10

Your home should be your happy place. He isn't contributing to that happiness, off he goes!

odig · 16/05/2018 09:12

Yes OP, enjoy your day off doing the housework and shopping.

What are his good points?

Maria1982 · 16/05/2018 09:14

Your last update is making me go ‘argggh!!!’ he is still making it all about him, and putting on a sad voice to say goodbye.

Please please ask him to leave. I wouldn’t even give him two weeks , I worry he will convince you to let him stay if you do (he will cry, tell you how upsetting it all is for him, give a half apology...).

As I said - argh!

Shockingly my OH displays a lot of this behaviour. I need to have a word with myself about not putting up with this either..

Olddear · 16/05/2018 09:16

Oh please OP get rid!! MY shoulders are sagging reading this! It sounds so depressing and weary....I don't know how you stand it.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 16/05/2018 09:19

my suspicion is that once you put that situation to him, he'll shit himself, and a bit of a charm offensive will ensue.

i think you just need to keep focused on what you really want out of the situation. if you've decided enough is enough, then be sure to stick to that. as PPs have said, anyone that's happy to stick a DD they only see every other weekend at his mum's, in order to facilitate their own wants, is showing you what's really important to them.