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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I deal with his sulking?

466 replies

User010101 · 15/05/2018 21:08

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 18:18

there is nothing wrong with feeling like escaping... but you must speak to someone ..even if it's on here OP.. you've been honest enough with yourself to admit you are at breaking point... that's a positive admission.. keep talking and don't disappear.. you will get strong again.. Flowers

Whisky2014 · 19/05/2018 18:22

Leave him. Then your mental health will improve. Please believe us.

SevenStones · 19/05/2018 18:29

OP - all you need to do to escape is to follow through telling him to leave! There's no need to disappear.

You're making it sound as if you have no agency, and have to accept what he does.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/05/2018 18:55

OP, if you can be strong just for one day, then you can have peace and freedom back.

If you can get him out of your house, you can tell him once more it's over and then block his calls. Imagine the silence. Imagine not having to fight to be heard. Imagine not having to go through arguments that make you feel like your head's turning to spaghetti. Not having to hear what he thinks of you or have the utter stress of trying to make him be reasonable.

You know he is the cause of your poor mental state. You've said so more than once on this thread.

All you need to do is pack up his stuff while he's out and dump it outside. That's all. He can go to his mum's while he sorts out a new place to live. He'll be fine. More importantly, you'll have space to be yourself again. It might hurt, but that'll be healing. Or it might just be a huge relief.

Be strong just for tomorrow, OP. It's your house, you have no ties to him. By this time tomorrow, you could be rid of him. And focussing on yourself, and treating yourself as you deserve.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/05/2018 18:58

Once he's out, then you can call the police if he comes over and won't go away. Your own house can be your place of escape that you so want!

MissStegosaurus · 19/05/2018 19:40

I think you'd feel 100% better if you get rid of him. Im sorry to hear you're struggling to that extent Flowers

eddielizzard · 19/05/2018 19:45

i think it was debi hope who said 'before diagnosing yourself with low self esteem or depression, first check that you're not in fact, just surrounded by arseholes.' and i think that might apply in your case...

Usernameunknown2 · 19/05/2018 20:09

It's not dramatic at all. He is worsening your mental health, he will send you over the brink I'm sad to say. He's demonstrated he's a spiteful little worm already.

Iftheshoefits · 19/05/2018 20:09

He's driving you to this. He can't dictate when he leaves if it's your home. If you feel you need to have a break then at least go with a friend/family member. Before that pack his stuff up whilst he's at work, dump it at his mothers and change the locks. Block him on yr phone social media etc. That's what I would say if I was yr friend anyway. Be strong you can so do this. Get angry fight back. How dare he treat u like this? Flowers

Amyerda · 19/05/2018 20:13

Please look up Duluth power and control wheel. Also equality wheel. Just to give you understanding of subtle power tactics in relationships. Then get to fuck out of it

NordicNobody · 19/05/2018 22:27

I once quit my job, abandoned all my belongings, and moved to a different country to escape my abusive ex. We were living abroad a time the time in his home country. I basically told him I was going back to England to visit my family and never came back. After few weeks of stalling on why I couldn't go back yet I finally got enough distance to see the situation in its full horrific detail. It was seriously like coming out of a trance. I'd known things were bad but I was astonished by how bad they really were and how much of it I couldn't even see. I broke up with him via email and he only bothered respondeding a few weeks later to let me know he'd sold all my stuff and he never gave a shit about me. So I get where you're coming from. I'd tried to leave a few times before but he always got me believing I was the bad guy. Like you my mental health was extremely poor at the time but once he was gone I realised that that was because of him. It was part of keeping me vulnerable and receptive to his manipulation. Im certain you'd have the same realisation if you left him.

In the meantime may I strongly suggest you get the implant or coil or something else that he can't mess with because now you're gaining strength to try and leave this is prime time for an "accidental" pregnancy to occur.

Gloryificus · 19/05/2018 22:39

I'm not surprised Op that you want to up and leave to escape this mental torment. This man is ignoring your wishes and laughing at your obvious pain. He has not one ounce of care for your wellbeing.
Your mental health will improve without this manipulative man who's been toying your emotions

Original poster
User010101 · 19/05/2018 22:41

@NordicNobody That's very interesting and thank you for sharing your story. It's a strange one because I know I'm not being treated properly but I don't know what to do about it. I get that I should just throw him out but it's easier said than done. As somebody pointed out, he manipulates me to the point where in an argument I find it hard to pinpoint what exactly he has done wrong eg when I say I want him to do something unselfishly, just for me he points out that he did the dishes a few nights ago. That sort of thing takes me by surprise and I honestly don't even know how to respond. Also, he can be affectionate and holds my hand and kisses me and I suppose I mistake that for love.

The idea of escaping is because I am weak and for me (not for you, as you could go to another country) it would be a coward's way out as my family would be worried about me. I would love to do it though for a few months to just get away and have a fresh start. It's either that or eventually go mad, I think.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 22:56

Jesus OP.... it sound so suffocating..and exhausting... like he completely manipulates gaslights and bullies you lovely Flowers

Bananacabana · 19/05/2018 23:06

Do you always feel like the issues aren't that bad but your body and mind are screaming at you that things aren't right, yet you don't trust your own perception? When you wanted him to do something unselfishly for you, did it make you wonder if you were being selfish? If yes, that's the result of gaslighting. Gaslighting is abuse. Abuse is not love. A wise person once said to me that people who love you are nice to you. Is he consistently being nice to you?

I think space from him will most definitely help you see him for who he is and give you clarity, strength and peace of mind. He is jeopardising all of those things in you.

Bananacabana · 19/05/2018 23:08

Also doing the dishes isn't doing something unselfish, he should do them anyway as a good partner. I'm pretty sure his dishes were also in that pile.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/05/2018 23:12

As somebody pointed out, he manipulates me to the point where in an argument I find it hard to pinpoint what exactly he has done wrong

you don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to justify anything.

You aren't happy and it isn't working between you for you.

That's enough, and it's OK for you not to be happy and to end it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/05/2018 23:33

Listen to your feelings. That's a really hard thing to do because he's got you doubting your every thought. But your feelings are telling you you don't like this relationship. You think you're wrong to feel that way, you think... Well, you think what you're trained to think. But you feel it's so bad you want to escape.

Hold onto that feeling. That is your truth.

It really is as easy as kicking him out tomorrow. This is the ideal time because you've warned him more than once this week that it's going to happen.

NordicNobody · 19/05/2018 23:33

Yeh, that's the thing, this kind of constant spirit crushing gets you to lower the bar to the point that you think bad is normal and normal is brilliant. Your partner doing the dishes does not make them an amazing partner. Being kind or affectionate doesn't make them an amazing partner. Being thoughtful and honest doesn't make them an amazing partner. Those are the bare minimum attributes a partner should have. That should be the baseline, that should be normal. Good should be something above and beyond that, not simply the brief absence of bad. But abusive relationships get you so arse about face that you think they're right and you're wrong, they're being normal and you're being a bitch, they're treating you well but you're just being ungrateful.

Did you ever hear the song "let's hear it for the boy" by Deniece Williams? Look up the lyrics, the song is basically about all the ways her boyfriend is shit but how she knows he loves her really. I think it's actually supposed to be an uplifting song but I remember really vividly hearing it on the radio when the scales were starting to fall from my eyes. I remember listening to it and thinking "yeh, this song totally makes sense for my relationship, maybe he's cold and unaffectionate but he loves me anyway, maybe he's tight with money and has strong opinions about what I wear and who I hang out with, but he really does love me..." And I basically just sat there making lists like that in my head trying to justify it all and reassure myself and I had the most sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've ever experienced and a voice in my head kept screaming "this is all wrong, this isn't how love should be". That wasn't the begining of the end for me, after that I couldn't lie to myself any more. I'd still agree with him when he told me his tantrums were my fault, but I didn't really believe it anymore. And I started really looking at other people's relationships and seeing how different they were to mine.

There's another song I always listen to when I'm in a bad place and need to change things (like when I quit a horrible job a few years back for example), called "enjoy yourself (its later than you think)". It's been released by about a douzen different artists so take your pick. It's basically a "life's too short to be miserable" kind of song, but for some reason it always has a really strong effect on me and has been the impetus for me making big life changes on a few occasions.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, basically anything you find that plants the seed of doubt in your head about this man, anything that gives you even a bit more strength to fight for a better life for yourself away from him, grab it with both hands and hold onto it like it's the north bloody star leading the way. The world outside these kind of relationships is beautiful and I want you to live in it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/05/2018 23:35

How does the idea of getting him out of your house make you feel? Scared? Weak? And something more positive, maybe?

JoanFrenulum · 20/05/2018 00:34

Can you move? You said your place is in your name only, but you're having a hard time getting him out of it. So can you move somewhere else nearby? And don't give him keys to the new place. Fresh start.

Your mental health will improve enormously once he's gone.

And you don't have to justify yourself to him. "This isn't working for me any more, I want you out" and repeat. No explaining why it's not working, he'll always argue you down.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/05/2018 02:21

There is a scene in the movie “Master and Commander” where the ship is rounding the cape in heavy seas. (There is a You Tube clip) The mast breaks off. With all of the rigging ropes still attached along with the sails, it was dragging behind the ship. The ship was about to be capsized. They had to cut it free to save the ship (and sacrificed the young lad along with it).

This bloke is the mast and rigging dragging you down. You need to cut him free. For your own sake. Imagine a figurative hatchet cutting the ropes one by one: Chop consideration for his feelings, chop deference to his opinion (caring what he thinks), chop fear of his reaction, chop separation anxiety, chop fear of change, chop intimidated by the effort you imagine for the next few days/weeks, and especially chop the rope of his utter dismissiveness of your point of view. Chop it clean away!

You can do this, no one can do it for you. He certainly will not do it for you.

It may seem like this is the hard part. But you have changed and this “new” you is on operational trials. It may not go smoothly and may be “badly done”, but so what? You are not getting graded for your “performance”. Get the bloke gone; it doesn’t matter how, just do it.

Is ending it the hard part? No. All the crap you’ve put up with is the hard part. You have endured and endured. That is hard. Enough is enough.

MissStegosaurus · 20/05/2018 08:24

If you find arguing with him hard, try something else. Dont argue. Pick one or two core phrases. "No, that doesnt work for me". "I do not wish to continue a relationship with you." "This relationship is over, you need to leave." Detach, be unemotional and as soon as he is out of your place, block him on every method of communication. If you let him start an argument he will tie you up in knots like he has done and why he's still living with you after you told him its over. Go grey rock. I think he won't have a clue way to do about that if you don't immediately jump to appeasing him. Tell your family or a friend whats been going on. See if you can enlist their help to stay strong. Even get them to be in the house while you get him out so they can help you.

I like the ship analogy. Your mental health is the ship.

GaraMedouar · 20/05/2018 08:30

Your mental health will greatly improve once you rid yourself off him. It will be like a grey cloud has lifted.
Do you have a friend or family member who can come round and be there with you? He needs to leave.

OliviaStabler · 20/05/2018 09:00

I get that I should just throw him out but it's easier said than done.

Yes it is, but what is the alternative? You will still be there in a years time being treated like shit, allowing yourself to be manipulated by a selfish asshole.

Which is better? The pain now of forcing him out or of wasting more of your life allowing yourself to be treated like shit and the looking back at what you could have missed out on?

Think about it.