Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I deal with his sulking?

466 replies

User010101 · 15/05/2018 21:08

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/05/2018 19:17

Jesus what an arrogant twat. He has no respect for you whatsoever. He honestly thinks he is the boss of you. He doesn't believe you can tell him to get out of your house and stay out. Are you bloody furious yet?

SeaEagleFeather · 17/05/2018 19:24

poor op, I hope it's going ok for her tonight.

happysnappysandwich · 17/05/2018 19:34

Glad you've decided to dump this self obsessed man child. It was lost at him going for 'personality'. What a dick. You and his daughter deserve so much better, poor girl is stuck with him but you are not.

Prusik · 17/05/2018 19:38

I really think you've outgrown him op.

NewStartNow · 17/05/2018 19:40

Think there's definitely a case for bin bags on the doorstep and a locked door at this point. He's never going to take you seriously. Hth

numptynuts · 17/05/2018 19:59

Come on OP!! Rooting for you. Don't be pressurised by us otherwise you'll feel bad if it's too much too soon, but just take it all on board at your pace then deliver it to him...

ThrownMuse · 17/05/2018 20:39

Another one sending you hugs, OP. We're all thinking of you.

No one here will judge whatever decision you make; too many of us know how hard this situation is, and you are the one living in the reality of it.

We're all here if you need us, whatever happens.

numptynuts · 17/05/2018 20:49

I've been in this situation OP, so my advice is not from reading from afar, in fact, im still in it and I'm fighting tooth and fucking nail. No way.., I'm fighting the same thing tonight. A fucking manchild who will go to the extreme to be fucking right and be in control. Except...he's not. And he never will be. I get it turned around on me...well if I'm shit divorce me then.

Ok I'm good with that. He's walked off. I'm going to eat my tea and see to my horses as they're far more grown up.

Iftheshoefits · 17/05/2018 21:26

Agree with others-you have to do what feels right for you and at the right time. It's yr life, we are just on the perifery (spelling?! ) and trying to help. BUT we are on yr side. Smile

Usernameunknown2 · 17/05/2018 21:38

Tell him to go and fuck himself, what a dick.

SevenStones · 17/05/2018 22:31

I bet if the OP did change the locks and put his possessions outside he'd be more concerned about the impact on his training schedule than the "relationship".

Please get rid of this utter wanker, OP, and get some counselling. You seem to have zero self esteem and sound like you still want this absolute waster in your life. He's an arsehole. Give him the boot.

MissStegosaurus · 17/05/2018 22:39

So glad you've decided to get rid! You're worth 1000 of him!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/05/2018 22:41

The talking really is over as he won’t listen to you (has he ever-nope).
Anything he says to you (double standard there Angry ), just ignore; it won’t be about you- just him scrapping the barrel for his ego supply/needs. Tell him to “Tell it to the next one”- that is quite a good conversation stopper.

ohamIreally · 18/05/2018 06:28

Or even, "tell it to the hand"

HipsterAssassin · 18/05/2018 06:45

We are all here, cheering you on, OP!

Go for it! Ignore his crap and just get him gone! Flowers

Yay for you! Flowers

JustGettingStarted · 18/05/2018 07:31

Put his stuff out on the kerb.

Including his (presumably expensive) bike. Right there on the kerb, where it's easy to pick up!

SeaEagleFeather · 18/05/2018 07:42

I bet if the OP did change the locks and put his possessions outside he'd be more concerned about the impact on his training schedule than the "relationship".

100% this.

L0UISA · 18/05/2018 08:34

Do you know how to change the locks OP? There are videos on YouTube. Or do you have a friend or relative who could do help you if you bought a new lock ?

What do your family and colleagues think about him ? Do you tell them the truth about what he’s like ?

chemicalworld · 18/05/2018 09:37

Hope you are ok OP.

pictish · 18/05/2018 10:14

She's fine. He has talked her round and convinced her that he's genuinely sorry and will try harder while possibly making her feel she also has a part to play in it and therefore contributed to the situation too.
It will have blown over for now. Till the next time she dares have an opinion on what his obligations as a life partner are, beyond his bloody training and whatever else he imagines makes his wants take priority over hers.

It's never a fast process but death by a thousand paper cuts.

NordicNobody · 18/05/2018 12:29

Sadly I agree with everything pictish said, except I would change

while possibly making her feel she also has a part to play in it

to

while definitely making her feel she also has a substantial part to play in it

After only 18 months, not married, no kids, house in her name, this is the easiest it'll ever be for OP to cut ties and run. It genuinely breaks my heart that she probably won't.

SporadicSpartacus · 18/05/2018 12:35

Maybe not this time, but just over the course of this thread, OP seems to have come on leaps and bounds in terms of seeing the crap behaviour and recognising it for what it is. The self esteem will follow.

It would be very satisfying to see OP post that she’s kicked him out (and the wheel fell off his bike as he sadly pedalled down the road), but i’d rather she takes things at her own pace.

Trialsmum · 18/05/2018 12:44

Ahhh he’s a cyclist... that says it all...

I can’t imagine why part of what you said to him made him sulk.

Dh used to be a sulked, call him out on it every single time.

Bananacabana · 18/05/2018 15:21

I hope you're okay OP. Listen to your gut about how rubbish and unacceptable your DP's behaviour is towards you.
I empathise with how difficult it can be when someone is telling you they love you, whilst behaving in a way which suggests the opposite; it's confusing. Really the niceness is just to get what they want and keeps you quiet but it's not the real him; his actions are the real him.
He seems to be gaslighting you (example, completely ignoring the fact you dumped him), you'll struggle to see clearly and minimise everything that happens. Keep plugging away and focus on your needs more and you will see eventually. Build your self esteem. Exercise is great for that!

He is not your superior (contrary to what he thinks), he is not your boss, he is a man who thinks he is entitled and you are the chosen one to cater to him. You don't have to though, you are a valuable person.

Good books to read: Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that?" And "should I stay or should I go." There are excerpts of them on the web too. Also it sounds like you're being manipulated, so would recommend "In sheeps clothing" by Dr George Simon.

Good luck and hope you find the happiness and respect you deserve. Thanks

L0UISA · 18/05/2018 16:17

I think that he will manipulate her into thinking that she’s irrational and unresonable. Say that he’s worried about her because she behaving so oddly and out of character, that she doesn’t seem to know what she wants.

Perhaps imply that he has spoken to others who say that she is not herself and that they are worried she is getting ill. If she has every suffered from anxiety or depression he will throw that back at her.

Act all amateur psychiatrist . “ I know you were devastated when X happened years ago, maybe Y is bringing it all back “.

Suggest that she sees a doctor. Because he cares so much about her and he wants to be there for her. He will pat her hand and look soulfully into her eyes and say how much he loves her and how worried he is.

Things like crying over his behaviour will be cited as evidence of her irrationality and unreasonableness.

Or he will hit at any weak spots she has. Eg if she has issues about her weight, he will say that perhaps she’s worried about her recent weight gain and she’s taking it out on him.

Of if she hates her job, he will imply that he’s taking the brunt of this.

Maybe suggest that she’s acting like this because she is controlling and that she should go for counselling for her issues. Say he will support her any way he can. Blah blah blah.

Anything to divert attention away from HIS behaviour ( and character ) and make her defend and doubt herself.

He’s mr passive agressive so he won’t do anything obvious like hit or threaten her.

That’s my guess.