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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I deal with his sulking?

466 replies

User010101 · 15/05/2018 21:08

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 18/05/2018 23:47

Op it is your house. Think about what you really want. If you are not telling him to leave for effect - then arrange for him to go.

If you really want are having trouble getting him to leave of his own accord, it would make sense for you to pack his things and take them to his Mum's.

Expect him to be horrified that you would dump HIM. His pride would hurt! He will either charm offensive you - or become angry. I think the charm most likely.

Are you immune? If not - then removing his stuff from the house won't work. (He thinks that you are not immune.)

It looks from the outside as if he is controlling you by restricting what you need. (He denies you affection - then when you are really thirsty, give a few drops. This makes you grateful to him for tending your need. He can then do this all over again.)

I think that everyone on this thread is telling you that this man is not good for your self-esteem and that he is unlikely to stand-by while you grow this. It suits him to have you needing him.

Is there something that makes you think he is worth working on (with) to make his behaviour something that works for you both? Your description makes him sound deeply unattractive.

Snog · 19/05/2018 10:13

OP this man is a cancer in your life.
This is my first ever LTB post.
Ditch him, no explanation or discussion is required.
Don't look back.

Snog · 19/05/2018 10:17

He uses you, and despises you for allowing him to use you.
This is not what life is supposed to be like

NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball · 19/05/2018 10:43

Wow, I rarely ever read an entire thread that’s this long, but I was just blown away by how selfish and manipulative this man is, OP. It’s that kind of insidious, under-the-radar kind of emotional abuse that you can’t quite put your finger on. That leads you to believe that you’re the one with the problem.

I know how hard it can be to leave a relationship when you feel like you’ve invested so much. I hope you can find the strength to start looking after yourself xx

Oh and if you’re in for a long read, I just found the BEST article ever on getting over emotional dependency. Seriously worth reading right to the end:

www.wisemushroom.org/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency/

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/05/2018 12:49

Don't think @User010101 is returning

Original poster
User010101 · 19/05/2018 14:02

He's still here. Today, he was supposed to go out on a "coffee run" cycle with me but went out on a 6 hour cycle yesterday and this morning asked if I minded if we cancel as his muscles are too sore. When we got up he made a big song and dance about making me coffee and toast (as the only thing in the house at the minute is bread- I'm on strike!).

Later on he said about going to the shop (the one he was supposed to do later weekend) and asked if I fancied going with him. This is when I sort of lost it. It all came out again about him sulking for 2 days, not apologising and then having the cheek to ask me to go to the shop with him. Go yourself and do something for me for a change!!!

Also, surprise surprise he didn't go to overtime today so I doubt that was ever on the cards anyway and he only said about it as a way to manipulate me. I let him off driving me tomorrow to the cycling event but something tells me that his muscles will have recovered enough tomorrow for him to do the cycle that he has planned for himself.

Anyway, he asked how I had gone from being ok this morning to being a complete bitch to him this afternoon. He asked, "are you going to be a dick all your life?". He also said that since he does nothing for me he could be gone by the end of the month. I just said I didn't care and he could just leave now if he wanted.

So, he got up and has gone out. Don't know where or if he'll be back. Don't care. I'm exhausted!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 19/05/2018 14:05

Sounds like you have given him the power to leave you as opposed to telling him to duck off because YOU have decided to end it.

Original poster
User010101 · 19/05/2018 14:06

The one he was supposed to do last weekend I mean!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/05/2018 14:40

He won't leave. You won't kick him out. He'll be there at the end of the month and next month and on and on because you will never kick him out. He knows this and is now verbally abusing you with 'are you going to be a dick all your life.' He despises you, uses you, treats you with utter contempt.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2018 14:43

He's a hateful, abusive, selfish, irresponsible cunt who doesn't even give a shit about his own child.

category12 · 19/05/2018 14:47

What are you hoping for?

Why not pack up his stuff and have it ready for when he comes back?

Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 14:50

User010101

your at least seeing everything for what it is.. seeing Him for who he is.. you're not longer tolerating his crap treatment of you ... you're getting there OP .. and when you want Him gone.. Im sure you'll make sure He goes.. Flowers

MadeForThis · 19/05/2018 14:55

He really is awful. Think how much brighter your weekends will be without him.

PrizeOik · 19/05/2018 14:57

Jesus Christ woman. Are you enjoying this? Because you are drawing it out as if you're relishing it.

Serious question - are you enjoying having something to hold over his head? So you don't want to kick him out because then you won't have that power anymore?

You could be living with dignity and not being exhausted by him right now you know.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/05/2018 15:02

So what happened Thursday evening?

And is the deadline of this weekend for him to leave still standing? Or have you backed down?

eddielizzard · 19/05/2018 15:26

change the locks while he's out

SeaEagleFeather · 19/05/2018 15:36

I think gemini is right.

It's so easy to say 'just kick him out' and it's a lot harder to do. But keep on at it, 010101. It's kinda sad/funny that he asks if you're going to be a bitch all your life when he's such a selfish and rather manipulative human himself

Sunflowersforever · 19/05/2018 16:20

Hope for your sake he is completely gone

Gloryificus · 19/05/2018 16:34

Op you're in limbo here! Your bf is ignoring your unhappiness with his behaviour while you are also ignoring his actual behaviour.
You seem to believe you are powerless and are waiting for him to change or leave.He's waiting for you to lower your expectations yet again so he can get on with his life that you are expected to revolve around.
This relationship suits him best when you keep quiet and don't expect anything from him not even any domestic tasks that's not in his area of interest!
You can stay and continue to be worn down to a nub of yourself while he batters your esteem with insults walks all over your free time and watch how little respect he has for you each time he laughs in your face!
Or you can find the courage behind those words you have been texting and start out meaning to them! That you want out that you are truly done

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 19/05/2018 16:35

Sorry op, but he is treating you like shit and you let him, its simple really. You throw in the odd threat about him leaving but you are talking bollocks, he knows, we know it, you know it. Suck it up, buttercup.

OliviaStabler · 19/05/2018 17:09

You need to kick him out once and for all.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/05/2018 17:18

Listen, more fool him. You told him to be out by the weekend. All he is doing more is making you more convinced that was the right thing to say. I presume you're not cycling tomorrow now? So use that time while he's out and you're home to bag up his stuff, put it out the front and then put a key in the door so he can't let himself in. You did tell him. He chose not to listen. No more conversation needed.

Go on, OP. You can do this. Your life will be so much happier without this (oily, bicycle) chain round your neck.

Original poster
User010101 · 19/05/2018 18:03

The reason I am stalling is because I am on the brink regarding my mental health. After struggling for so long I am at the end of what I can take. I took two days annual leave this week because of what happened and don't have the energy to fight anymore. I honestly have been thinking about leaving a note for my family to let them know I'm ok, taking myself off somewhere and starting anew.

OP posts:
Original poster
User010101 · 19/05/2018 18:05

Ps I am more than aware that this sounds dramatic and that I am being a drama queen but the thought of escaping seems so good right now.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/05/2018 18:12

Your mental health would greatly improve out of this relationship.