Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

[cheeseplant99]

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

If you think it is difficult 'starting again' at 47, imagine it at 57. Imagine it at 67. Or however long it takes him to find his next other woman.

He's cheated. He therefore managed to lie to you for almost a year - yet you believe him now.

For reconciliation with a cheater to work, they have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage back on track - yet he has blamed you for the affair, and here he is swanning around, deciding if you are good enough?

If you stay with him, I can promise you that in 10 years' time you will look back and wish you hadn't let your lack of self-esteem waste those 10 years. Whether he is still with you or cheating again.

You're so desperate for this to work out and everything to go back to how it was OP that we can all feel it. Your DH probably feels terrible for what he's doing to you and your DC, because while he's fallen out of love with you, the two of you have been family for two and half decades, but the genie is out of the bottle now. You can play the 'pick me' dance if you like, but it's out and you can't stuff it back in. You can pretend all you like that and 'believe' that he's going to fall into love with you again, but these three lines from your OP stood out for me. I suggest you read them back to yourself and ponder them at length before you welcome this man back into your home with open arms:

He confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave.

He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again.

He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be.

Please have some self respect. Starting again at 47 isn't the end of the world. Living the rest of your life worrying that he doesn't love you and could leave you again just might be. Good luck.

An update on our situation.

Before though, I understand the scepticism, and that not everyone in my shoes would act as I have done. However, we are all different and I think you cannot know how to feel until you've been in a situation.

DH is still unsure whether he wants to come back for definite. However, he says he feels more positive about the idea, and can see lots of good reasons for doing so. DH has been attending individual counselling with our counselor to help get this head straight. And we also started couples counselling together again.

What we've gained from this is that DH may have an idea of love that is skewed from reality (i.e. a fairytale version, which has probably been perpetuated by infatuation with OW last year). He admits that he cares for me deeply, and that my happiness is important to him. So what we're working towards is him realising that those things, and the time we've spent together are real love. He still hasn't said 'I love you', but I'm confident that he will in time, so as long as we can get to the point of him seeing that love is what we have (and not infatuation) then I think we will work things out and be stronger for it. x

Every update of yours is more sad than the one before.

DH is still unsure whether he wants to come back for definite.

So what we're working towards is him realising that those things, and the time we've spent together are real love.

I bet your H would tell your DD (If you have one) to leave a man acting like he is.

When you're goal is persuading your H he loves you...you put yourself in a very weak position.

What @SandyY2K said.

If we were having this conversation in RL, I would be pouring you a big glass of gin and giving you a hug.

YES BUT HAVE YOU HAD LEGAL ADVICE YET?

I feel so depressed that there are women out there who don't think they deserve better than this.

What a shit your husband is, op. And a coward.

If I were you and I was actually open to the idea of the relationship working op, I would at least tell him to bugger off for a year. Go and have as much fun as you possibly can, go travelling, learn new hobbies, make new friends. Heck, sleep with other men. And then meet up with him and have a chat and see how you feel about eachother. If you love eachother you can get back together. You might be surprised by how you feel about him by then, though given that he's pathetic

@cheeseplant99 I agree with @SandyY2K - you shouldn't have to persuade this man he loves you. After all this time he should know whether he wants to come back and it sounds like he knows I. His heart how he does feel but doesn't have the balls to make that call.

Please please please put yourself first. I know you think you are by trying to win him back but you are putting him first every single day you continue with this. He doesn't deserve you. Please don't make it so that you deserve him.

@cheeseplant99

I hope you're attending individual counselling too. It's helpful in getting to understand yourself better.

The marriages that survive affairs (and go on to be happy) are those where the cheating spouse is remorseful, loves the betrayed spouse and would do anything to be given the gift of reconciliation.

None of the above apply in your case.

Maybe give yourself a timeline by which to keep the door open....but I reiterate that individual counselling would be good for you.

Being able to talk thingd through with an independent party can be very valuable.

@SandyY2K yes, during the month divorce was looking likely I did attend individual counselling to help me to process everything, and it was definitely helpful. I would consider going agsin.

DH is extremely remorseful for the hurt the affair caused. He says that he regrets not addressing the reasons he felt unhappy with our marriage, rather than getting involved with someone else. He knows he's been stupid.

And I don't feel i am trying to convince him that he loves me. He fully admits himself that what we have might be love, and that it is him who needs to readdress his idea of what love is. Hopefully counselling and time will get him there.

I do also think that if he really wanted to go, he's had every opportunity to do so. Why think about coming back, if that isn't what he wants and where his heart is x

Because it’s easier to come up back and not have to split assists, time with dc op that’s why, the moment your back is turned he will cheat again he had a year long affair that is calculated not something on impulse. I agree with what sandy said it’s sad read every update you have. What if he happens again 2years down the line? What then?

Are you having individual counselling op? I think you are the one that needs to get another perspective on this.

He doesn't want to be with you, isn't sure he loves you and still hasn't fully confessed to the level of his affair (they were having way more sex than he's admitted to).

If you were my mum/friend/daughter I'd be extremely concerned.

Regretting the hurt the affair caused you isn't remorse.
Most people are sorry for the hurt, but thet enjoyed the affair and look upon it fondly.

Even if you aren't convincing him...he's having counselling to be convinced or persuaded he loves you. That's not right.

I truly hope that he can be honest and just let you go. Not in a mean way...but because you deserve better than this.

Think about going back to counselling. I wish you well, but I just don'twant you having to start over years down the line. The only possible advantage would be more assets, but I've known sone men to use thus to be to hide assets and get their ducks in a row...knowing they'll be leaving in the future.

Nobody else will protect your heart but you.

@Dancingmonkey87 is right. It's easier to come back. He wouldn't need IC, if it was what he truly wanted on his heart.

He may not want the OW... but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants you either....plus the OW isn't actually available.

@SandyY2K I know you're not being mean, and I do appreciate all the advice, and other view points. It certainly gives me food for thoyght.

What I have done is given DH a deadline of a month in which to make a decision, as I am really struggling living in this limbo state.

DH has agreed. Right now he says that he can see lots of sensible reasons for us getting back, and that he can imagine that if we're able to communicate better than in the past, we could have quite a nice life together. But he says there is still something holding him back from saying yes, and he's not sure what that is. I am hoping it's just the finality of a decision making him waver, but that when he decides to recommit, his doubts will go. X

Ye Gads this is the saddest thing I've ever read.

Apart from the fact that your posts are littered with "I think" "I believe" etc it's obvious you'll swallow any old gubbins he tells you.

You say "he didn't leave". Well he did didn't he? For six months! During which he most likely missed his home comforts and could string you along indefinitely.

He hasn't got the romanticised view love, you have. And he knows that you'll forgive and believe anything.

He doesn't even love you . And you're so desperate you've convinced yourself he can "find his way back" etc etc

Can't you see you're worth and deserve better? Or that it's got to be better being on your own than with someone who treats you so badly?

I really hope you smell the coffee soon. But it's evident you will forgive and accept whatever then spin it. Good luck

Oh god your poor thing OP. There are lots of sensible 'right' things about getting back together again but he doesn't want to and that is what is holding him back. Love can't be compromised on, he either does or doesn't....and his behaviour isn't loving.

I think your original title should have been "Do I attempt reconciliation " because sadly it seems that YOU are doing all the running here . I have been in your situation and considerably older than yourself - with a man who had had an affair and who didn't know what he wanted . I gave him a chance and I regretted it . 5 years down the line he left . 5 years of my life wasted by supporting a man who was a pain in the arse . 5 years older for me . You say that you are fed up living in "this limbo state " ? This is nothing compared to what you will be letting yourself in for - constantly wondering and questioning and sacrificing yourself for HIS needs and wants . Things like this are a WAKE UP CALL . Yes it is scary being on your own at whatever age /starting again / the sheer fucking tedious drawn out process of divorce but the peace that you will eventually have from a drama queen like your husband will be worth it . I won't pretend it is an easy road at all but I am now in the early stages of a loving relationship with a new man and the difference is amazing . It may go nowhere but it has made me realise how crap my situation was and how I continued to fight for it for too long and I was nowhere the walkover that you appear to be ( sorry if that appears insensitive , just going on what you write obviously ) . Good luck OP , you are certainly going to need it . Sometimes things just die a death - it's that simple . An affair is the symptom of an unhappy marriage not the cause of one .

I'm sorry but this will not work out in the long run. You are going to end up hurt again. You are giving him all the control and coming across as though you can't live without him.
You can!
Why would you even consider being married to a man that doesn't know if he loves you or not??

Trust me I've been there with the affair situation. My husband had an affair and in my eyes it was over. I'd always said I'd never forgive an affair as I'd never be able to get over it.

I did forgive him but I'm still not over it. It was 8 years ago but I still think about it.

I love my husband and every day since I found out about his affair he has told me and shown me that he loves me. And tells me he loves me more and more as time goes on and I believe him and genuinely believe he is disgusted by his behaviour. He's attentive, romantic, affectionate, tells me multiple times a day how much he loves me and it's STILL been hard to get over it.

No way could I have taken him back if he's told me he didn't love me.

I'm sorry OP but you're going to end up even more hurt than you are now.

Ask yourself this OP, if this was a new man, in a new relationship, without the share history, would you be prepared to bring him into your home, your children's lives and prepare to stake the rest of your future on him on what he is currently offering you - that he's not sure if he loves you or not? Highly unlikely, if you strip away the years together and soulmates and do a cold hard assessment of what he has to offer you it is pitiful. The imbalance in this relationship is shocking in that you sound like a nice lady and he does not deserve you at all.

OP. You need to respect yourself more.

He’s taking the absolute piss. Except the fact he’s unhappy with you, as he’s cheated. If he was happy he wouldn’t have done that.

You deserve to meet someone who loves you for who you are. You keep making excuses for him. He sounds like an utter prick

Accept not except.

So I have some good news.

Finally DH has decided he's coming back! He didn't want to throw away the time we've already spent together, and he says that he is confident he will be able to regain the love for me that he has lost. I really need to feel that he appreciates me and our relationship, so he has promised to plan more things we can do together, and to try and be more romantic. This is a big hurdle cleared as as a major issue prior to our separation had been that he didn't want to do things as a couple, so the fact that he does want to now means a lot.

It has been a rough year, but I am prepared to forgive him everything that he's done. Of course I know it won't be easy, but I'm sure I'll be rewarded for my patience.

He hasn't moved back in yet, but we're planning towards that and I just can't wait if I'm being honest as I've missed him so much.

Thank you for all the words of support, I know that many of you would not have done the same as me, and would have rather seen me take a different course of action, but I know I am doing the right thing for myself, so I hope it works x

All the best to you op

OP, that is so nice of you to update everyone. I wish your family the very best!

Good grief! I feel sorry for you OP that you are so weak and so afraid of being alone that you are prepared to sell yourself this short.