Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

[cheeseplant99]

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

How are you with an open marriage? That is what he is setting up here, with all of his personal space needs.

If it isn’t a “hell yes!” From him to commit to you, then it’s a “no”. You are using CSI forensics to search for any molecule of reciprocal feelings/commitment from him. It just isn’t there.

Personally, I wouldn't be giving this chancer too much personal space if you want your 'marriage' to work, seeing as how he doesn't love you.
On the other hand, I'd be giving him aaalll the space he wanted and more, more than he ever thought possible.......from his rented room.

For the love of Jeff please see a solicitor because he clearly has. He's been to see someone who has made it clear to him that a divorce from you will cost him less in a few years. He's not made his decision to try again based on love, has he - even he admits that. He just doesn't want to divorce you yet

Get legal advice because you are being played again

@cheeseplant99 I'm not going to go in for you as others are on here.

I think you had decided what you were going to do before you posted and wanted to know if you were right to do so. It's your life and it is completely down to you how you live it. If being with this man makes you happy, who are we to judge. Even after all this.

I know couples who have survived affairs - and EVERY TIME the DH (or DW!) has had another one. But they stay together because they BOTH want to be together rather than apart for similar reasons (age, love, children, stability, familiarity...). Also the affairs haven't been with 'feelings'.

My struggle with your situation is the guilt he is making you feel and the deception of being married 20+ years on a lie. He is not worth your time and as a child of a couple not too dissimilar in age to you I would be HEARTBROKEN if I knew either one of my parents didn't love the other. The betrayal of those feelings, milestones shared, memories made is so much worse than the affair in my opinion.

Please know your worth.

Your "positive" update is genuinely one of the saddest things I've ever read on here OP.

OP - I get it that you love him and don’t want him to leave.
However - he already left. Love doesn’t come back like that.

If your kids were younger - maybe staying and working on the marriage would have worked - with guilt, etc - he would’ve convinced himself to get used to the married life again.
But - you kids are leaving home soon - and the only thing that binds him to this family is no longer there.

Start your new life now. Don’t wait.
Really.
It won’t be easier a few years from now, when he leaves for good.

Sorry

Oh well, so long as he is clear than him having an affair is all your fault, that's all ok then.

Seriously, though, being on your own may seem scary, but staying with someone who is this selfish, who puts his own desires, however trivial, ahead of yours, who tells you his affaire was all your fault...really words fail me.

Take as much time as you need, maybe some time away or get yourself some really good counselling. Whatever it takes, but really, nothing good will come from taking him back. It will show him how much he has got away with, and he will b3 tempted to do it again and do more. Remember, he thinks it was all your fault anyway, nothin* t9 do with him, oh no.

Like hell they didn't have sex. They have both fed you a crock of old crap. No way did they have an affair and not have sex.

He saw divorce looming and shat himself.

So he's back! Woohoo! You get to prostrate yourself, allow him 'space', never complain, criticise or 'nag' and he gets a wonderful life!

What do you get? The feeling that you have 'won' a cheat and a liar, who doesn't love you, and will probably cheat again (because you put with it once, didn't you? Why not twice? More?)

In another 20 years, what will you have? 'Marriage' with this cheat? A partnership? Mutual love? Mutual Respect??

I don't think so.

Wow. Denial ain't a river in the Middle East. It is sad that you seem more concerned about your standing within your social group and pay so much importance to the tripe your friends say. A lot of people are quite selfish, a divorce causes massive ripples within a friendship group. You’re shutting up and putting up makes it easier for everyone, including your self-centred wanknoodle of a husband. It doesn’t matter if he and the OW had snoo-snoo swinging from chandeliers or dry humped only. The betrayal is so much deeper and more insidious. This is one of the saddest updates indeed. And no, this isn’t about joining the chorus of LTB but the fact that you are willing to settle for so little and are so intent on lying to yourself. Some couples can recover and be actually much stronger in their relationship after an affair but he’s basically emotionally black-mailing you now in that his feelings depend on how high you jump through hoops. Yep, very depressing to read and I feel sad on your behalf that you have so little self-worth. I just wish for you to be able to feel some justified anger to kick this manipulative shitgibbon to the curb.

OP - I just know you'll be back here in a year or so, wondering why your DH doesn't respect you. Why, when you have done everything he's asked and more, doesn't he love you?

You'll have jumped through hoops, made his life a featherbed, been a total hand-maiden to him and his cock.

He is not worth it. YOU are worth so much more.

I understand why you are doing this. It's what I did too. But he had zero respect for me and the children and carried on seeing the OW. And for him this period, post-affair discovery, was all about how I had to change with no insight into his own behaviour.
In the long run I was glad I tried though.
I get that this is something you have to do so that, even if it doesn't work, you know you tried. You're just not ready to end the marriage.

I hope living in this twilight zone will not destroy you and wish you the very best in your journey. But until he acknowledges his own part in this, his own faults, the need for him to change, the need for your forgiveness, sadly nothing is likely to change or improve.

Thank you for all your replies. I understand the scepticism, and that it's for my benefit, but I need to explain in more detail. My husband has apologised repeatedly for his affair. He deeply regrets the consequences and hurt he has caused, and accepts he was very much in the wrong.

We have had some long discussions recently. And he says he did love me deeply in the beginning of our marriage, but that years of poor communication have clouded that. He is confident that if we can communicate better, thoroughly discuss everything that has happened, and spend more time together that he can fall in love with me again. I asked him about his motivations for reconciliation and his top one is that he wants me to be happy - that has to be positive.

I hope this makes everything seem less bleak than my earlier posts x

No it just makes you sound more deluded.

But good luck OP, you’re really going to need it.

You're so gullible OP. So very, very gullible.

Fingers crossed for you cheese plant. People can have mid life crises and actually get over them. As well as PIL described earlier, friends went through a similar thing. Five years later they're going strong. They had counselling etc and worked things through. DH had a drink with the husband recently. He said he couldn't believe what he'd almost thrown away in a few months of madness.

No it just makes you sound more deluded.

Agree with this

You're so gullible OP. So very, very gullible

And this.

Divorce in a long term marriage costs a lot of money. That's a good motivator for reconciliation. Funny how pushing ahead with the divorce made him think again. He was otherwise happy enough on his own.

I hope you don't regret your decision in years to come and it's much harder for you to start afresh.

You have an unbalanced marriage and have given him all the power.

MM and OW often collude to get the story straight.

In terms of gullibility. Yes, I can see how it looks, but I also think that if he wanted to leave he's had every opportunity to do so, yet has still stayed. I think he realised he was about to lose me forever and it wasn't what he wanted. Perhaps that is love by another name x

No. He’ll do it again. Divorce him and make a fantastic life for yourself. You don’t need this man in your life.

I hope it’s goes well for you cheese

I think the fact that after having a year long affair he still feels entitled to insist that you give him more personal space was very telling.

I hope he doesn’t hurt you again.

You’re a fool
Of course he slept with her
Of course there was more than kissing
Of course he is rewriting history

Have some self respect and leave this man
And do it on your terms

This may be his definition of love
But is it what you want for the next 25 years???
Give yourself a chance to find real love.

You met him in your early 20s and perhaps had no real life experience behind you either. He may be the supposed love of your life but you are not his.

Unfortunately I think it is only a matter of time before he does hurt you again. You are really his beard now, you make him and his despicable actions towards you and his family unit (and he has completely shat over his marriage vows here) more respectable. You are doing this to yourself for your own reasons.

If someone else was writing this what would your own counsel to them be, would you still advise staying?.

What did you learn about relationships growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?. Where has this mindset come from?. Who taught you to be so servile and stuck on the sunken costs fallacy?.

Maybe he realised it was expensive to leave?

Sorry OP but you are so desperate for him to choose you that you are not seeing how badly you are being treated.

What you are doing now is the pick me dance by any other name cheeseplant. Its a decision based on denial and fear that you may well come to regret bitterly.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what have they and are learning from the two of you here?. If this sort of marriage is not good enough for them (I do not think you would want this for them) then why is it good enough for you?.

Oh OP l wish you the very best of luck and l truely hope it all work's out.... especially when giving him more "personal space" to make it easier for him to have another affair and when if it doesn't know that you tried to make it work. Then come back on here and we'll help you woth the next step xx