Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

[cheeseplant99]

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

If he's truly, truly sorry he will behave impeccably throughout the divorce, generous etc. Check his behaviour throughout. You can always remarry a few years down the line or something if you both wish to, but my gut feeling is that once he realises that you have more self respect than he hopes, he'll show you who he is... A cheating, lying, selfish bastard who has only just realised that there are going to be financial consequences.

And you haven't thrown the marriage away, nor can you. You need to reframe this. He has lied, cheated and tried to rewrite your shared history to suit him...were you always jumping for joy in the last 24 years? I'm guessing not. Did you cheat? NO. He had choices. He could have worked through any problems he felt with you like grown, loving adults, he didn't even give you the opportunity. This man is not your friend. He has risked your physical and mental health, his children's future, spent your joint money, just because you complain a bit more often than he'd like? NO. How dare this man treat you and your children like you're disposable?

Hè isn’t talking about reconciliation, he’s talking about dangling the possibility of reconciliation to stop you from moving on and leaving him without a back up plan, that isn’t love, it’s emotional manipulation. He doesn’t want to completely lose the familiarity of your relationship and is prepared to put you through many more moths of uncertainty and heartache for his selfish ends, his behaviour has nothing to do with you or love, it’s all about him and his needs. Never, never, prioritise someone who treats you as an option.

Leaving a relationship when you’re not ready to is very hard and it’s very seductive when someone dangles the very thing you want and desperately want back. However, him not wanting to move on isn’t an indication tha

Take him back and you will be here in a year having discovered his next affair.

I'm sure you are a lovely person I alway fear that if something like this happened to me I would be bollock chopping.

You make the decisions now not him. I also don't believe for a minute they only kissed.

Leave him and never look back.

So let me get this straight

He had an affair because he wanted to
He then left because that is what he wanted
He then decided that ending things completely was what he wanted
He’s now decided he doesn’t want to end things but won’t come back because he’s not sure if it’s what he wants.

What about what you want, what about how you feel!!!!!

He betrayed you for a year having an affair
He left you to deal with your heartbreak whilst he continued more than likely contact with the OW or indeed other women
He kept you dangling on a string with counselling with the hope of working it out
He decided to end things completely
He’now not sure about ending it but says he’s not in love with you and may never be.

If you take him back you will be miserable. You will be running round after him, trying to change all the things he said he didn’t like or that bothered him. Trust me when I say you’ll jump through all these hoops trying to be the best wife and exactly what he wants but it will not make him love you or want to be with you. It will leave you feeling like an utter mug.

He doesn’t want to come back, he doesn’t love you back the only reason he is on the fence about ending things officially is the reality of divorce, it’s scary. He may regret what he has done that much is true, but he doesn’t regret it so much that he has declared his love, asked what HE needs to change so YOU could rebuilt trust, asked how HE can ever make it up to you, begged on his knees for your forgiveness.

Think about what you want, what you really want and what you truly deserve because it’s so much more than the scraps he is offering.

This ^^

Tell him to get lost. He's trying to pin the blame for his dalliance on you, and making excuses for his behaviour rather than admitting he's in the wrong.

He's choosing to behave this way. This is not your fault.

Don't change who you are, because even if you're abusive and dreadful (which it doesn't sound as though you are), this marriage is over. And he is not faithful to you.

He threw it away, not you.

Yes, what Lilly said

I had this. XH had an affair. We went to counselling. At the end of the final session he was asked what his plan was. He was due to return to work for a month in the same foreign country/city where the OW lived. I think the counsellor was expecting his plan to be that he wouldn't see the OW, would keep in close touch with me etc.
His actual response was to list all the ways in which he expected me to change.

The counsellor told me privately that XH did not know what he wanted and if I wanted to hang onto the marriage then at that moment I had to do all the running.

We went for coffee afterwards. He told me that the trouble was he'd lost all respect for me and I had to get it back. I asked him "what about my respect for you?" and he just looked at me blankly. I knew in that moment it was gone forever. The imbalance in any future created by the attitude "you'll have to do all the work and change, I'll just bumble along as I am" is no basis upon which to save a marriage. It's tough but it's the reality.
I wish you all the very best in this journey OP.

I should add that for a few months I did try. But it didn't work.

I began to think XH was making it hard because he wanted me to end the marriage as he was not brave enough and never wanted it said that he had left.

I was not willing to give him that get out clause so I tried and tried but accepted it when he eventually left for the final time.

I am so sorry you are going through this and this man has trampled on your soul but I have harsh words for you.

HE is acting like he is doing you a big favor by coming back. Good ole cheeseplant. You are the safety net - the option. During the 6 months HE was deciding if he should return HE was probably still seeing the OW but ultimately it fell apart (perhaps she didn't want to move in). It is probably comfier and cheaper for him to move back now than living in a bedsit/flat and having to feed and launder for himself and not have the kids on tap.

He has told you he doesn't love you and if you have him back he will have carte blanche to control everything (as he already has done) to fit HIS needs and wants. He will continue to threaten to leave and you will dancing around trying to supplicate and do his bidding to make him love you. You will be crying a river of tears and it will eat away at the very core of your being.

He probably can't truly unselfishly love anyone and that is part of the source of his dissatisfaction. You deserve to be cherished - this is not the person to do it. If he wanted you to truly forgive him he would be asking how high he had to jump, what he had to do to get a chance - not give an equivocal opinion on returning. I know you are feeling heart rending pain as you love him but he has taken your precious, precious gift of that love and walked all over it. Move on. It will be hard but better in the long run.

I fully believe if he came back he would be faithful

Even if this was the case, is that enough for you?

A man who stays, remains faithful, but doesn't love you? Who pretty much said he never loved you? After 24 years...He was never sure about the marriage.

You'll be knotting yourself up like a pretzel to please him, to make him stay with you. Don't sell yourself short.

Don't be his fall back plan.

*Let him go for good and begin the healing process.

Grieve the end of your marriage as you knew it.

Many people see the devastation affairs cause, but it doesn't stop them having more affairs.... because they don't think they'll get caught.

*You need to stand up for yourself when you are being treated in a manner that is less than what you deserve and have the ability to adjust your life when it derails and remove people from it if they are treating you poorly.

Have you considered that he's stringing you along until your Dc have fully independent lives and thus you become cheaper to divorce?

Why do you believe he would be faithful when he has already proved that he is a liar and a cheat? He is blaming YOU for the affair. Is that the action of someone who will be faithful and put you first? You need to look into counselling to work out why you set the bar so low.

Fwiw I am 50 and am divorcing my H (he cheated with alcohol not an OW) and life is so much better. He wanted me to change too - to not 'nag' about his drinking. I am worth more than that and so are you.

Thank you for all your advice and sympathy. What all of you say is sensible. I can well imagine how my situation seems to an objective observer.I am meeting withDH at the weekend to discuss this, so I will see how things feel then, and what he says. He has said he may be willing to attend further counselling, and I am wondering if this is the most sensible plan, as perhaps we will be able to work with our problems rather than giving up completely :(

I fully believe if he came back he would be faithful

Didn't you and everyone else think this before and were wrong?

You are his fall back plan. I bet he is still seeing the other woman and stringing you along to see how far you will go doing the 'pick me' dance.

Come on OP you are worth more than this. Just because you heart wants it doesn't make it right. Tell your heart to get a grip! Do you really want to model being a doormat to your kids?

He has said he may be willing to attend further counselling

Well that’s jolly generous of him, isn’t it?

Give the man a coconut.

There is a current thread about what a good marriage looks like.
Things like mutual respect, watching each other’s back and laughing together keep coming up.
I don’t see this in your marriage. Don’t settle for this half-life. You are worth more than his grudgingly given offer to see if counselling could make things more to his liking.

Dear God, I know you love this git but he clearly does not feel the same OP, he's told you he's always had the feeling he wants to not be with you, for years, that alone would end it for me, never mind his sordid affair.

Stop being a total mug; and do not let the fear of starting again at 47 push you into accepting a relationship with a man who clearly does not love you or want a future with you, even though you are giving him that option, even after what he has done.

Start building your life without him, do something for you that does not involve him and go out there and when ready find yourself a partner that loves you and is not going to use you as a back up plan or until the next affair comes along, he won't ever be who you want, he never was obviously.

What will counselling achieve? He will still have had an affair and be defensive about it.

I was cheated on and my h left me for OW.

So many red flags here!!

It sounds like he doesn't want himself to be the reason that the marriage ends so keeps dangling you carrots like he might go to counselling. That's why he talks about guilt.

He admits that he hasn't loved you since you were married. That is what you have to remind yourself when you waver and fantasize about "happily ever after"

"He has said that a problem for him over the years is that I didn't listen to him properly, and was too competitive/complained too much. Perhaps if I alter my behaviour in these aspects we will be able to rebuild our love." Blaming you is part of the cheater's playbook and is such a cliche I feel angry on your behalf. He is trying to minimize the affair when it's a big fucking deal that he participated in. Nobody forced him to have sexual contact. If you alter that behaviour, he'll just use another excuse next time.

Personally I think that it will be much easier to cheat a second, third time if you forgive this. You deserve to be loved and he's not loved you for an extremely long time.

This man is NOT the love of your life. If he was, he wouldn't treat you like dirt and deceive you.

HE alone chose to have an affair and he is 100% responsible for that choice.

Unless he takes FULL responsibility for this and bends over backwards to do anything and everything you need to feel safe and loved by him, any attempt at reconciliation will either fail or make you deeply unhappy.

You need to get angry and stand up for yourself. You will be SO much happier without a weak-minded self-absorbed man like this.

Bah, counselling from this position just means you'll be advised to let go of hurt and trust him, and then it'll be all about what changes you can make - because the only one willing to give anything is you.

He has said he may be willing to attend further counselling

He is no longer commited to you or the marriage. If you're happy to be in a marriage like that assuming he does you the favour of returning...out of pity or guilt....then crack on and take him back.

He who cares the least in a relationship has the most power

That's him.^^

OP. She's dumped him, he's fed-up looking after himself in his rented room and is missing all the comforts of home. He doesn't love you....oh, and they absolutely had sex, it wasn't just kissing.