Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

[cheeseplant99]

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

I feel like he is putting the onus on you to make the decision to divorce and this is incredibly unfair. This constant "not being 100% sure" firstly about your marriage, and then about the decision to divorce - argh that would do my head in! He can't be trusted not just in the literal sense ie to remain faithful to you, but also you can't trust his decision making. He seems incapable of making a decision and sticking to it.

ultimately you deserve to be married to someone who loves you - as a PP has said this isn't a rehearsal and you have a lot of life left to live!

This is such a sad thread. I too like most posters think he is playing you. OP will you address the concerns of all the other posters who have suggested he is delaying the divorce until it’ll be less costly for him?

He doesn’t know what he wants and he’s messing with your head by the things he’s said so you don’t know what you want.

I think for me he’s messing with your emotions by wanting to try again as he doesn’t want to live with the guilt of divorce, but what if it doesn’t work he’s going to leave again.

Take control and say no the trust has gone I don’t want you back, get a good solicitor and move on with your life, it’s not all about what he wants you have a say to.

So ask him for a “re-nup” - to sign majority of assets over to you now.

I'd only do this if he was professing love and full of remorse.

He's already said he doesnt love her so ... a post nup is making him stay if the love doesn't come back.

Post nups are for wayward spouses who love their betrayed spouse.

Don't you think you deserve better? He said he is not in love with you - how secure will you feel if you take him back? I am a similar age to you - I understand your devastation of thinking of starting again...but how is it OK to be with someone who says he is not in love with you? Maybe you should try 'dating' again and see how things develop.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, OP.

He told you that he is in love with someone else and she is his best friend.

That's all you need to know; surely there can be no way back from that, ever?

He knew how much saying that would destroy you. He's cruel. His "Ooh I just don't know" schtick is pathetic and deeply unfair.

You sound lovely. I think you'd have a bright future without him, happily single with plenty of healthy self respect or with someone who feels damned lucky to have you.

Apologies, in my (terrible) skim read I had somehow missed that you are taking him back and working on the marriage. Sorry.

I second the advice here to build a rich life for yourself (if you don't already have one!) if you want to stay married. Nourish your support networks, independent from him. Hobbies, old friends, friends that are just YOUR friends, not mutual ones. Build up family links.

That way, you also get your "space" and you can rebuild your marriage on strong ground as an individual. If he does then decide the love isn't coming back, you won't feel so devastated. Fill your life with love and joy that isn't about him at all.

Make sure you are financially okay too.

Good luck, although I leaned towards the LTB on this one I completely understand your decision and of course none of us are living it, only you are.

Wish you all the best and to paraphrase Jane Austen may he endeavour to one day deserve you.

Very much like the suggestions of a ‘renup’. I would actually test his true commitment and resolve to staying in the marriage by asking for a substantial financial ‘deposit’ to show that he isn’t just trying to save himself a costly separation.

I believe him

Well I don't! They all say this. It's so ciommon for cheating spouse to say it was "just" emails, "just" kissing, then it was "just" one shag etc - it's what they do to try to get away with it.

But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets.

Eh so his wavering about the divorce is all about his suffering - he doesn't want to feel guilty or be saddled with regret. Poor lambkins. Not a scrap of this is about love for you, or concern about how you might feel. You're so used to the love being a one-way street, you accept this.

Really OP he needs to be kicked out. If he loves you then he can come back if and when he makes his mind up. But you need to get on with your life and find happiness for yourself – you can and will. So many women say it feels like the end of the world when their H cheats and a long marriage ends - 18 months later they're having a ball and realising life is so much nicer without him.

I agree with what the majority of other posters are saying.

You are totally deluded and making a fool of yourself. You have zero self respect and I feel sorry for you

He is confident that if we can communicate better, thoroughly discuss everything that has happened, and spend more time together that he can fall in love with me again.

Oh op... please just read that again and think about it. You are being totally dangled on a string. He's the one who's behaved badly and now you have to try hard and give him what he needs so he can possibly love you again??? It should be the other way round - him grovelling, offering to do whatever it takes and hoping you can forgive him. Instead somehow he gets to bestow the crumbs and you get to run around chasing them and being grateful?

He's lied to you a lot already, remember. The chances are he is still lying. He could be planning a divorce for when it's cheaper. He could be feeding you this rubbish so that things calm down and then he can pick up with OW again. You don't know, and you'll never know because all you know is you're with someone who's willing to lie to you and doesn't love you. But you love him, so you'll endure any amount of humiliation?

If nothing else, see a good lawyer and have a good plan, just in case.

OP - how can he be MORE demonstrative with his love if he doesn’t feel it??????

Rough patches in long term relationships happen. But - those that come through are the ones who have the underlying love to help them get through them. And the other issues then can be dealt with.
Say - lack of expression of that love; taking each other for granted....

In your case - it’s like the internal supporting structural beams of marriage - has been taken away.

Love doesn’t come back once it’s gone. It can be replaced with habit and resistance to change.
So yes - that he can do. He can learn to live with you, and placate you with some ‘external expressions’ of love that you seem to crave.
If this is enough for you, then great

Oh OP, I hope we don't see you back on this board posting again in two years time.. I just think we will though. I am not being mean, just brutally honest. I have been in your shoes. I could have saved myself a lot of mh issues and heartache if I listened to my head and not my heart the first time around. This is your choice to make, he broke your vows, not you. Don't let him bully and manipulate you even more. We are the same age, please don't think your age is a factor here for starting over. It isn't.

Mmmomdd I do agree that rebuilding a marriage without love is a big ask, and if the love is truly gone perhaps I will accept that it isn't possible. But my feeling is that he does love me, but is unable to see it now partly because of what happened with OW and partly because years of poor communication between us eroded a lot of positive feelings over time. I strongly believe though, that if we address our issues then he will see that his love was not lost, just hidden.

OP - I know that it’s what you want to believe.
And I am sure he cares for you - long history together, etc.
So - he doesn’t want to hurt you and feels bad about it.

However - look at how it went on. He’s told you he felt unsure of wanting to be with you for ages. Once he left - he was not missing yet and unsure about being engaged in counselling, etc.
So - that belief of yours - is really only based on your desire for it to be true.

And - financially - divorce is less beneficial for him now while the kids are still at home.
Why don’t you call him on his game - divorce and split assets.

And THEN work on re-building your relationship. If the financial considerations are removed and it’s all about the love that is hidden - it’ll work out anyway.
No?

One of our children is away at uni, and the second will be 18 in 6 months, so I don't think he's biding his time from a financial standpoint.

My major issue with divorcing and then working on our relationship, is I feel that would be impossible when children, friends and family know we are divorced and expect that is how things will be. It is already difficult enough for us to plan reconciliation, with everyone knowing we are separated.

But my feeling is that he does love me, but is unable to see it now partly because of what happened with OW and partly because years of poor communication between us eroded a lot of positive feelings over time. I strongly believe though, that if we address our issues then he will see that his love was not lost, just hidden.

This is delusion. Pure, naked delusion.

The fact you even refer to divorce as a gateway to working on your relationship means that at present you are so unable to see the true state of your relationship you surrender all control to him.

My compassionate side pities you.

My frustrated side thinks you are a lost cause.

OP will you at least consider getting yourself to a situations where you are financially independant?

Do you have joint finances? If so i would monitor random amounts being transferred or taken out.

Is your name on the house? and do you have access to all banking records including any funds so you can see if isa' s

Does your husband have a pension and do you have a record you can keep to onside.

My dad started having an affair when me and my brothers were in our mid teens and then slowly started moving the joint assets away leaving my mum with nothing when he finally got found out. Luckily he was found out before she signed the house over to him under a ruse of 'We can then buy one in your name to rent out

And ALL of my parents friends thought they were the perfect couple for 23 years.

Clearly my dad had somewhat of a midlife crisis but it doesn't dissolve him of being an awlful human being.

Don't be my mum at the very least out a 'just in case' folder together.

Christ op im genuinely horrified at what ive read, and feel for you hugely.
Please take some of the good advice here and choose life, living, loving yourself, not death by a thousand cuts.

Louhotel the house is in our joint names. We do have joint banking, but I have full access to our account, and can see there is nothing untoward going on. We both have separate pensions too.

I am sure this is not about finances. Yes, divorce will impact both parties, but for my husband (who actually is not that materialistic) I don't think financial considerations are playing a part in his decision making x

i don't think financial considerations are playing a part in his decision making

I don’t either. I think he feels true guilt for what he’s done and is staying out of pity. I think he probably does care about you on one level, probably quite deeply, but not the way a man should care about his wife.

So you exist in a twilight hinterland of hope but his message remains: I don’t love you. And he’s telling you. But he likely feels sorry for you and guilty for the hurt that he’s staying out of some extremely wrongheaded sense of “doing the decent thing”.

Obviously you aren’t going to leave him this time, but one thing that comes over in your posts is that you accept everything he or the OW has told you as the absolute truth. So if you do anything, let it be to develop a scepticism to what your husband is telling you. Don’t blindly believe him.

Of course they had sex. Do you think two adults have an affair for a year without it ever getting physical? If you heard about two other people in this situation, would you not see that of course there was sex? I’m afraid that at the moment you are only seeing and accepting what you want to see.

OP I feel for you. When my youngest was born 6 years ago he was a very unsettled baby. Me and DP went through a bad patch , it ended up with him having a ONS 4 years ago. When he told me I was devastated, he also said he wasn't sure if he loved me any more. He quickly changed his tune and said it was just the thrill of being with some one new yadda yadda.

At the beginning i was desperate for him to stay with me. He has been very remorseful and for most of the time is Dad and partner of the year. Now time has passed the ONS is a sad memory. But I can never unhear those words 'I am not sure if I love you'. There is always a doubt in my mind that he is just going through the motions. My love for him has changed, a bit of me has hardened to him to keep me safe. I wonder if eventusly I will decide I don't love him any more, or he will give up waiting for me to go back to how we used to be (That will never happen sadly).

If you are determined to try again. Please, please, please forge a life away from him too, get hobbies, reconnect with old friends, make new ones. It sounds a bit like you have lost who you are and define yourself as a wife and mother, hence being so desperate to fix your marriage. I wish you well however things turn out.

Like other posters have

Whether you reconcile or not, you would probably benefit from counselling, on your own. You can then work through your feelings and explore what you really want.

Also, you genuinely are not old!!!

already difficult enough for us to plan reconciliation, with everyone knowing we are separated.

Goodness, it really, really doesn't matter what 'everyone else' thinks. What matters is tbe two of you. Hanging around, hoping that someone w ho has already put his own desired above those of his family at least one, who isn't sure whether he loves you but thinks if you can change enough he just might...

I agree with PP that this is one of the saddest threads around at the moment. MN is at its finest when an OP realises that everyone hearing her story agrees, is uplifting, the power of tbe community. This not wanting to see it, is very sad. All the best OP.