Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

[cheeseplant99]

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

Nobody knows what your marriage has truly been like except you and your husband. He was probably rewriting history to justify his fling when he said he wasn't sure if he'd ever loved you - because that is what people do.

OP, of course many people have had good relationships after an affair and a temporary separation. I'm sure you can too. Some find it doesn't work out longer term, while others develop a better understanding of each other. He's acknowledged he hurt you and wants you to be happy - that's a good start. You don't sound naive to me, you just have a different set of priorities from many who have posted on here. For some, infidelity means automatic dumping, while for others, to dump him would feel like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Personally I wouldn't care if they had shagged. That's almost irrelevant. Tbh they'd both have had to be incredibly restrained not to have done so while you were separated, not to mention stupid. They wanted to and he'd left you, so why on earth wouldn't they? If you want this to work I'd forget about that aspect. Shit happens, we just carry on. If you focus on this unlikely scenario where they possibly didn't have sex, it becomes a distraction from the bigger picture. Yes, I know you spoke to her but frankly, she may have been trying to help by confirming his story. It doesn't matter, really ; it's a technicality.

How about setting yourself a review point of 6 months, 1 year, whatever, where you carefully assess whether your rebuilt relationship is working for you?

I married very young, to my first proper BF. We had 2 DDs. He had several affairs and I always took him back because I was so pleased he’d chosen me and I didn’t want my DDs to come from a broken home.

Then he had one affair that lasted a year and he’d started taking things from our home to ‘help’ her. For example I couldn’t find our wok and he told me I must have put it in a different place and forgotten where it was. The reality was that he’d taken it to OWs and forgotten to bring it back. This affair finally got through to me in a way the others hadn’t and I really lost it with him. He promised he’d left her, persuaded me it was just a friendship and they didn’t really have sex and yet again I took him back. Tied myself in knots to be a better wife.

Our friends always said what an amazing couple we were. Rock solid. Yadda yadda yadda. I was so smug that I’d managed to hold on to my marriage.

Finally, he started talking about renewing our vows for our silver wedding. About the same time my DSis mentioned she’d seen DH driving very fast near where the last OW lived. He was supposed to be working in a different county.

Something clicked and I finally called time on him. There were many other things wrong in our ‘perfect’ marriage but the stand out reason was I just couldn’t stand to hear him making vows again that he’d never kept the first time.

I realised that my desperate need to keep my marriage going was a really rubbish behaviour to teach my girls.

Once ‘D’H realised I was serious he tried every charm trick in the book and then turned nasty. I had ton go down the unreasonable behaviour route because he wouldn’t admit he’d been seeing OW again and because the last affair was over 2.5 years ago, I was deemed to have condoned it.

When it was over, I felt a sense of relief the like of which I’d never experienced before.

I’m now in my late 50s and am married to a wonderful man. I now know what a good marriage is. He loves, respects me, my choices and opinions and encourages me in my interests. I have only one regret - that I wasted so much of my life on my ExH.

He is confident that he can learn to love you again?
No, no, no, no, no.

I am sorry but you deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be loved, adored, cherished even!

He is playing you. Maybe even doing what he thinks is the right thing to do, for outsiders. But if this is how he feels, he isn't being true to himself or to you.

He’s loving him some saved costs for the divorce court. I feel so sorry that your self-worth is so skewered that you’re happy to completely sell out your dignity for fear of being alone. You are not going to find peace or any real happiness because deep down, you will never be able to relax or trust him ever again.

Monkeymummy I think it's a big assumption to think that love can't be regained in a long term relationships. We all have our rough patches.

But yes, the not feeling right and not loving me currently are my biggest barriers to reconciliation rather than the OW.

I discussed with my husband whether it's possible he has been re-writing history to justify his affair/mid life crisis. He insists not. He says he has been unhappy for a long time, but that perhaps he had built that level of unhappiness up in his head to feel worse than it was. And so if he can express his feelings and we can talk more it might be resolvable.

If we get back together I have told DH he needs to be more demonstrative in his love. He agrees to be more affectionate and romantic, but says he is not at a point where he can say 'i love you'. And yes that is incredibly difficult for me, but I just have to hope we can get there x

Understand that it is difficult for you, but, I'm sorry to say that it sounds as if yo7 are hanging around waiting for him to decide whether he 'loves you again'. That isn't a situation which is good, or even healthy, for your self esteem. Have you considered doing anything else than just waiting?

Finallyhere I'm not sure what you mean by considering doing something else. I can't force DH to declare his love, that must come in his own time. Yes, I could leave, but we tried a month where divorce was seriously on the cards, and when it came down to it, it was something neither of us was ready for x

but I also think that if he wanted to leave he's had every opportunity to do so

Why get divorced and lose your assets and look like the bad guy, when you can stay married and cake eat.

Also... the OW is not actually available is she. Do you think he'd be doing this if she was single.

She also probably realised he was too old to settle with...but good enough for some side action.

discussed with my husband whether it's possible he has been re-writing history to justify his affair/mid life crisis.

Of course he won't admit it. You seem very naive to expect honesty from him. Probably due to your lack of experience in relationships.

What advice do you think your H would give if this was your daughter ... or his sister or any female relative he loved and cared for.

Do you honestly think he'd want his loved one to stay with a man who cheated and declared he didn't love her?

I know I'd feel like my daughter was getting short changed.

I would add that it's worth you investing time in yourself. Spend time developing interests, spend time looking after yourself...doing exercise...keeping fit and healthy...going for spa treatments if you like those things. Generally being the best you can be for yourself.

Develop your own social network and do not depend on him for your happiness. Learn to love yourself and know your worth.

He doesn't love you op. He's staying because divorce would cost him. But he doesn't love you. You need to find your own worth here and anger at him.

What springydaff said

Gosh this is one of the saddest threads I have read on Mumsnet.

OP you are being manipulated by your H to suit his agenda.

I will tell you about my friends DH (very similar circumstances and ages) who came back with all sorts of "we must communicate better, you were not respecting my individuality and my need for space etc"
He returned to the marital home for 3 months while he apparently got all his ducks in a row , sorted out a home for himself and the OW so she could also leave her DH, and could go round telling everyone as he sepated yet again that he had "Tried at his marriage etc".

I hope it works out for you OP, but I honestly think you are being terribly blinkered and very naive, I really think you need to watch your back.
Just open your mind a little and don't automatically accept what he tells you

Op you have a choice here. You can either rip the plaster off, get shut of this guy who clearly does not love you and has been shagging somebody else. You will be lonely and heartbroken for a year or two but you will get by. People do.
Or ... you can have death by a thousand cuts over many, many years, with a man who doesn’t love you and who is having one or more affairs, and whose behaviour will slowly erode any ounce of self esteem or worth you might once of had.
You can’t make somebody love you. When it is gone, it is gone. Have some pride, and self worth. End this, on your terms, now.

I think there is real merit in building a life for yourself separate from DH @cheeseplant99

Then you will have confidence in yourself, security in friendships and an increase sense of self worth that should (when) the end of your marriage comes then you can extricate yourself with confidence.

Coming to terms with the end of something is scary and hard and difficult, but IME and of others close to me it’s rarely AS hard as it seems in the deepest recesses of our imaginations.

You deserve a life - not an auxiliary role in your husbands.

You're selling yourself so short OP. You're worth so much more than what he is offering you.

You will die by a thousand cuts here. Im so sad you think all you are worth is taking back someone who doesnt even love you, who has had sex with another woman.
One day, you will divorce, and you will look back to now and weep for all the time ypu wasted on someone who humiliated and disrespected you, and who didnt love you. You are wasting the best years of your life. He will leave, he will do it again 100%.
You want him to be demonstrative in his love, but he has none for you. How can that possibly work?
I'm sorry for the time you are wasting.

He's been to see someone who has made it clear to him that a divorce from you will cost him less in a few years
This and the fact that the OW has realised he is too old to settle for.
Do you have a job OP? Do your work and have the level of financial security you will need if you separate?

But far more than the financial security issue, my problem is that you are staying with someone who is not able to say "I love you" to you. Why are you doing this?

Sorry, I haven't RTFT, but this just jumped out at me..
I fully believe if he came back he would be faithful, as he knows how devastating the affair has been for everyone, including him.

No, he wouldn't. He'd just make damn sure he didn't get caught, I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm afraid I think the chance is 99% that you will split up soon (in the next few years) and you'll be even older and less inclined to feel a new life is possible (not that I think 47 is in any way old by the way - totally possible to build a new life at 47, 57, 67 or older!). Plus you'll be ground down by a few months/years of trying desperately to make your marriage work with your husband working against you and grinding you down further with his criticisms.

I understand you want to give it every chance and you still love him. But just keep thinking about what sort of life you want and whether he can still provide those things. Maybe do some counselling/therapy for yourself separately from your marriage counselling.

The rewriting history and putting the affair down to previous unhappiness (mysteriously never expressed or evidenced prior to the affair) and "communication difficulties" is literally word for word what my ex said.

OP - I was where you are when I was in my 40s. It took me almost 5 years of being played like a violin before I came to my senses and told him to go. In the years since, I built a career, bought a house and am now retired and living very happily. I won't lie. It was hell. Not least because, looking back, I could see the lies and the deceit so clearly...
BUT - I'm happy. I managed to claw back my self-respect and also to remain on civil terms with my ex - mainly for the sake of our DC initially, but I found that it made me feel better in the long run, as no one could paint me as a vengeful woman out for revenge. I still see him at family occasions, but although he's had several relationships, he's never been with anyone for long.
Do yourself a favour - go it alone..! We'd been together since our teens, and married for 26 years (as you say, everyone was astonished - we seemed so solid, and I'd always been so happy - and never saw that he wasn't) but I'm so, SO glad that I'm not always having to wonder what he's doing, or whether he's really 'meeting his mate for a drink' or going away 'for work'.

This man no longer loves you, has treated you appallingly - and is now trying to get you to blame yourself for his actions. Get out now, while you have time to rebuild your life. Good luck..!

OP - you sound old and tired and weary and i think you just want all this to stop and go back to your life pre affair.

You do know that can never happen don't you? You will never be the same couple again, how can you be when he has betrayed you like this and made you question how you have lived in ignorance for the last god knows how many years whilst he was unhappy and you didn't know. Wont it always now keep creeping up on you when you think things are fine or even if you have a rocky patch in a few months/years time, wont you be thinking....is it happeneing again, is he unhappy, will he leave?

I love my DH dearly, i'm 47 and he means the world to me and i would hate to go through life without him. I even think i could forgive an affair but i KNOW i could never go back to him. Why?....because he would never be able to get back on top of that perch he once was, he no longer would be that man who would NEVER hurt me, NEVER think so little of me to lie to me. I COULD NEVER RESPECT HIM AGAIN and its the respect that would kill it for me

You 47..... only 47 you have move years ahead of you than you were together at this stage, use them wisely

Ask him to stake his commitment - even if he can’t yet get to live.

So ask him for a “re-nup” - to sign majority of assets over to you now. If he has no intention of going anywhere then this shouldn’t be an issue.....

I am worried that he knows he can save £££££ by divorcing in a couple of years when your kids are older. Test him in this with a “re-nup”

Love not live

I understand that you want this to work, and I admire your efforts - but you should be aware of the low likelihood of this working out and do everything to protect yourself and your children financially.

He may well want to stay - but you will at some point evolve, thaw out and your anger will eat you alive from the inside out - and it will be you who decides the marriage is over.

The onus is 100% on HIM to fix everything- this book written by a MC of 30 years outlines the 17 things that HE has to do if there is any chance of getting through this. Hold him to account. “How to help your spouse after your affair” - it’s online on a pdf