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Original poster

Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

234 replies

cheeseplant99 · 10/05/2018 08:15

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

OP posts:
PastaOfMuppets · 25/05/2018 03:46

@cheeseplant99 always just do whatever AnyFucker advises. Just end it

isthismylifenow · 25/05/2018 06:52

Cheese its painfully obvious to us on the outside what is going on here. I know it is more difficult to see in when you are inside the bubble though.

Why don't you consider staying separated for a bit longer, so that during that time you can try to clear the fuzz that you have going on in your mind.

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 25/05/2018 07:17

@isthismylifenow when I say reconciliation I mean it as a process, he won't be moving back in right away. We are seeing our counsellor again before we get to that point. DH also wants to be totally certain that getting back together is the right thing before we take things further. He still says he is unsure what he wants, and doesn't know how to decide, but had accepted he can't make me wait forever.

We aren't rushing into anything x

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 25/05/2018 07:34

Sorry op but it sounds like hes waiting for the ow to make a decision. That or hes seen the reality of renting.
Youre being played for a mug x

OliviaBenson · 25/05/2018 07:35

He still says he is unsure what he wants, and doesn't know how to decide, but had accepted he can't make me wait forever.

Where is your self esteem here? Why is it down to him to call the shots? Why are you happy to wait for him to make his mind up? You are making a huge mistake op.

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 25/05/2018 07:48

@chavtasticfirebanger the OW already made her decision, which was that she wanted a relationship with my DH. However DH told her in no uncertain terms that sorting things out with me was his priority. And in terms of renting, he says that while the situation is not ideal, he's been much more settled there than he'd imagined.

In other words, I don't think his indecision is about OW, finances, practicalities etc. It's about how he feels about me and our marriage x

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 25/05/2018 08:06

But it must be. Because if he doesnt know if he wants you, the alternative is to leave. So he has the cushiness of home but the option to leave. He has lied about ow before, they could be sleeping together for all you know. Just be aware you need to watch your own back, his words are not trustworthy, and you have handed him all the control in the hope he will one day love you. Heartbreaking x

Lunettesloupes · 25/05/2018 08:18

Had an affair for six months and only had sex twice? Erm???

He doesn’t love you and might never - err nice line...can see why that makes you want him back

You are too argumentative and competitive - err so when you do get him back can you not be so bloody difficult when he wants to screw around and behave like a prick next time please?

Jeeez....I’ve been here and i know you want to do the right thing and to believe you can fix things. This is a rubbish deal he’s offering you though it really is.

StringandGlitter · 25/05/2018 08:22

He loving this. He’s got you dancing the Pick Me Dance.

It’s magical thinking OP, that if you just “try harder” it will all work out.

He’s playing you for a fool. Have some self-respect and tell him that as he is unsure if he wants you or not, that you don’t want him.

isthismylifenow · 25/05/2018 08:27

DH told her in no uncertain terms that sorting things out with me was his priority

How do you know this for sure? He told you that she is his best friend.

But it is clear that you have already decided what you will do.

Please take care of yourself OP. I wish you all the best.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2018 08:34

DH also wants to be totally certain that getting back together is the right thing before we take things further. He still says he is unsure what he wants, and doesn't know how to decide

I actually can’t read this thread anymore.

Wowthisisreal · 25/05/2018 09:43

@cheeseplant99 this thread is just one I can't stop reading but hurts my heart every time I do.

Please please please do not go back with this man. I know you love him but he really is a bad egg. Why would you want to be with someone who still after all this time isn't sure he wants to be with you.

You deserve to be with someone who would move mountains to be with you. Someone who thinks you are the best thing in his life. Who regrets every day the terrible decision he has made and will spend every day for the rest of your lives trying to make it up to you.

You don't deserve this half assed attempt at something vaguely resembling a reconciliation.

MsJinglyJones · 25/05/2018 10:03

OP here is the chump lady website for you (apologoies if anyone's already posted this) - it may help or just give you some light relief.

Totally agree with Finally's post, it doesn't matter what people think. Do you want to be 90 and look back and think "I spent my life with a man who didn't love me and cheated on me but hey at least no one knew". You know, and it's your life. You don't have to settle for a few crappy crumbs and half-promises from this man - he's already broken his vows.

When I ended my relationship, "everybody" thought we were the perfect couple, or so I thought. It was hard having to bite the bullet and tell people. And yes some were shocked. But more than I thought were not that surprised, and some - enough - were brilliantly supportive. A lot more people than I had realised had noticed that I had been putting up with a lot of shit.

another20 · 25/05/2018 10:16

Cheese - quite a few times you have quoted it refers to the opinions of family and friends. They are really irrelevant to your life and quite dangerous if you make life decisions based on their opinions. When an affair comes out in a friendship group many people have their own agendas do their opinions and what they think you should do - it shines a light back into uncomfortable sometimes unconscious things in their own psyche or relationships. One partner might be in an unhappy marriage, the other not be aware, one might be having and affair, one might have got caught once, twice etc, so these people don’t want you to rock THEIR tree and you separating is very uncomfortable for them, hence the advice to stay together, you are a great couple, can’t believe he did that etc. That is all they know from the outside - you have live the marriage and you know it was unsatisfactory for a long time for both of you. My point is, look inwards, don’t over share with too many family and friends - get objective support on your own from a counsellor. I don’t think that the unanimous frustration on this thread will help you. It is just not the right time for you to act - but please hear it, file it away, have some ground rules, timescales and red lines. Be ready to be really hurt again - not just you - but your children will be doubly devastated if he comes back and leaves again - so maybe try to protect them from that crushing disappointment. Don’t tell others that you are trying again - as it might tie you to a keeping up a front when you don’t want to. Your heart just needs to catch up with reality.

IDearlyLoveALaugh · 25/05/2018 12:15

I can't read any more. Stop waiting for your DH to dictate YOUR LIFE to you.

It's actually quite disturbing. Best of luck OP.

Please please please walk away from him. He's scum.

MachineBee · 26/05/2018 11:05

I put up with a lot of infidelity and was too embarrassed to tell family and friends. I blamed myself for ExDHs bad behaviour. When I finally realised that this marriage was a sham, and things were only good when I didn’t complain or do anything to upset him, I finally chose to divorce him.

Because I’d not told my parents about the problems over the years they thought the split had come out of the blue and tried to get us to reconcile. I’ll never forget my DMs face when I told her everything. My DSis knew more but not the full extent of it. And her support was invaluable.

One of my reasons for not leaving sooner, was that I didn’t want my DPs to have two divorced DCs (my DSis had left her DH for OM).

But my DPs were horrified that I was prepared stay in an unhappy marriage for their sakes.

The people who loved me wanted me to be happy. If I’d gone on to reconcile with my ExH some time later they would still have supported me if it had been what I wanted.

OP, you really need to think of yourself here. Other’s feelings in this situation are not your priority.

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 26/05/2018 11:52

@MachineBee my close friends and family are all aware of his infidelity. It's not so much pressure to get back together that I worry about, more disapproval/lack of understanding if we do work things out. Bar one very close friend of haven't told anyone we are considering giving it another go.
Of course I know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but the reality is that it does make things more difficult.

With hindsight I wish I hadn't told people about the OW, or asked DH to move out. I think if we'd have stayed living together then we would have reconciled by now and moving on from our problems. Living separately has definitely made that more difficult x

OP posts:
TheStoic · 26/05/2018 12:11

Gosh this is sad reading x

Lookatmenow · 29/05/2018 13:11

telling people makes it harder for you to bury your head in the sand becuase you know they will either question our about how it's now going or you will see in their eyes that they are questioning why you are putting up with this, especailly if he behaves like an arse to you in the future.

You want to bury your head, you want to pretend that this hasn't happened, you want to pretend that you have this fantatic man by your side, a beautiful life and want people to be envious of that but you will know its all based on lies and will always always always be questioning it

Sommelierrrr · 04/06/2018 12:35

To be brutal op- the path to happiness does not lie in staying with a faithless man who doesnt love you. I really hope you can find a way out Flowers

Mrsramsayscat · 04/06/2018 13:17

My guess is that if you take him back, it won't be too long before he stops looking so shiny to you.

I think he has not been totally honest with you, or himself.

TuTru · 04/06/2018 13:20

No

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/06/2018 14:03

This thread has left me speechless.

kidsneedfathers · 04/06/2018 14:28

Oh dear oh dear! Read my username. It says that I usually go for reconciliation etc...but in your case I would say please please don't try to rebuild anything...47 is young ..leave him...don't take him back...rebuilding cannot work because he clearly said that there are no foundations (love -respect -determination to atone himself etc) on which to do so....the kids will understand that as they are grown up...keep him.outside the house and go to some counselling to help you....

Honestlyofficer · 04/06/2018 15:45

You will never be able to trust him.
I've stood in your shoes, but my children were little and I wanted them to have their Dad, so I sold my soul to the devil and let him come back on his terms. 11 years on and I'm hollow inside. Every time he is away, every text that he smiles at, every "emergency" meeting that he has to go to kills me a little bit more. I don't even ask where he is going because I can't believe what he tells me, so why force him to lie.
This will be you.

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