Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

[cheeseplant99]

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

Good luck, @cheeseplant. You clearly love him a lot and are prepared to work at it. I hope it works out for you. Plenty of couples do seem to recover from similar setbacks. I understand why many are saying it's not a good idea, but you seem to be going into this with a positive attitude and I really hope it works out for you. It sounds like you are not ready to give up on this marriage and you need to give it your best shot. If it doesn't work, you'll know you tried. If it does - you'll know you did what was right for you. Good luck.

He has never been sure of your marriage and he's admitted he doesn't love you. You're kidding yourself. This is not going to end well

Strewth I know it is scary being on your own but he is only coming back out of guilt and convenience.In reality plenty of marriages are based on that but it's a secret that one partner keeps to themselves.Hes come out and told you ,that if he returns it's out of guilt.
I hope you find the strength ,to at least show him ,you don't need his pity.

Thank you for the kind words from those of you that wish us well 😊 it's nice to know that there is good will towards our marriage working out x

I haven't read all the thread, but here's my slightly different view.
I don't believe that someone has to be unhappy to have an affair. I think they just have to have the opportunity and temptation (e.g. ego stroking from keen younger woman), and enough weakness of character to follow that. Then, they need a "good reason" for their shitty behaviour, so they suddenly discover that they never really loved you or you are a bitch or whatever. It's classic cognitive dissonance, not necessarily something they are doing deliberately: their brain is trying to repair their own self-image.

The affair is obviously incredibly exciting, as they might be caught, and every relationship is more exciting at the start, so they have very intense feelings. They are comparing this fluttery loved-up relationship (with someone they see infrequently and can put on a pedestal) with the everyday realities of a 20+-year-old marriage, and guess what comes out feeling more real and meaningful.

You've probably already been told that they did have full sex, and they probably did. No way would my ex have admitted to that if I hadn't read his emails. No way would I have thought he'd do it that crassly (hiring a room in a brothel for an hour!) if I hadn't read it. They minimise to protect themselves, it's understandable.

It's also possible that he's considering coming back to you because she is not sure about him, or there's no chance of them getting together properly, and he doesn't want to be alone. My ex was also uncertain, and it was for this reason, as I discovered.

If you are ging to get over this, I can't help feeling that it will also involve you adjusting your expectations, downwards. I couldn't have done it myself. Good luck, but don't think that now you've made your bed you have to lie in it. Starting out again at that age actually has its positive side too.

There's a lot of goodwill, OP, but unfortunately for your fantasies it's the real type of goodwill, where people who genuinely want the best for you tell you what you don't want to hear.

Not the pointless 'goodwill' in which people go oh yes fab whilst secretly thinking 'poor cow'

*There's a lot of goodwill, OP, but unfortunately for your fantasies it's the real type of goodwill, where people who genuinely want the best for you tell you what you don't want to hear.

Not the pointless 'goodwill' in which people go oh yes fab whilst secretly thinking 'poor cow'*

This ^^ If I were your husband I too would have zero respect for you because you so evidently have so little for yourself. You seem to be so worried about your status quo and keeping up appearances and are just so desperate to not be alone. I would stake pretty much a lot on the prediction that in a few months, or perhaps a couple of years down the line, you will be in the same boat again but your DH will be able to manipulate you increasingly better, having already tested and discovered your weak boundaries. I think it is far lonelier staying in a sham marriage where a partner has emotionally checked out and even told you so, then actually taking control of your own life and starting fresh.

If love to know how you're doing 6 months from now when he's home.

I might have said it before...but in case not... get yourself a social life outside of your marriage. Take up a hobby or pursue an interest that is therapeutic or that gets you out and about.

Do not have your life revolve around him and lose your identity as you. Not Mrs. C or dd/ds mum. Be you...and enjoy being you.

Oh dear. I hope you get your happy ever after but I think you'll be back here within 12mobths sadly.

Be careful op and keep your wits about you.