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Original poster

Separated from husband after his affair, should we attempt reconciliation

234 replies

cheeseplant99 · 10/05/2018 08:15

I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.

A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.

But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!

Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.

What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.

Please help :(

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 10/05/2018 22:05

Do you actually think you deserve to be loved
That is the ultimate question you need to ask yourself

Sally2791 · 10/05/2018 22:16

What would you advise your best friend or daughter if they told you this story? If you are in any doubt read your posts again

LeeLooDallasMultiPass · 10/05/2018 22:18

You didn't get chance to see a solicitor but maybe he did and he has realised how much this is going to cost him financially.

He is minimising his affair, he was with her for 1 year and they only kissed. Really?

What is your situation? Do you work?

I think you should shoot this marriage and put it out of its misery. He is all wishy washy, ooh he might consider more counselling. What an arse. If your son or daughter was either behaving like this or being treated like this what would you advise them to do?

Go to a solicitor and see what your divorce options are. There is no bringing this marriage back. You are doing the Pick Me dance.

Maybe you want to talk to the other woman to find out her side of things rather than just want your husband has told you.

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 19/05/2018 18:37

An update on my situation. After talking with my husband over the past week things are taking a more positive direction. He said he is committed to trying to save our marriage. Although he doesn't love me at the moment, he thinks he might be able to regain his love through time and better communication. I am in agreement that I need to take time to listen to him more and allow him more personal space. He has agreed to also be more attentive, and to attend counselling to work through our issues. I know many of you are sceptical. But I think we can make this work. Thank you for all of your advice x

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 19/05/2018 19:59

Good luck to you, but this man has told you again that he doesn't love you.... You seem to both be in denial. Counselling won't magic up feelings of love.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/05/2018 20:02

One day, all of this pain will be a distant memory.

I don’t know when or how but it will. Just let yourself be loved.

Best of luck x

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 20/05/2018 07:21

Thank you. I know we will get there eventually xxx

OP posts:
RosieCockle · 20/05/2018 08:16

Saying this with all due respect, but you're being a mug. Sooner or (sadly) later, you will realise this.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/05/2018 08:32

How is that more positive direction?

Eww, he sounds like a shit.

Good luck winning back his affections op.

IDearlyLoveALaugh · 20/05/2018 08:36

Get some fucking self respect OP.

Your DH is a slime ball. How fucking DARE he ask ANYTHING of you. I wouldn't want a man like this to "re-love" me again.

It's really pathetic to be honest. I know you've been hurt but why oh why change
Your behaviour when he is the cheating lying creep?

Beaverhausen · 20/05/2018 08:49

OP he wont change, if it was a one night stand I would understand but a year long affair.

There is a lot of disregard for you and total lack of respect for your marriage, he lied for a year and fucked a younger woman. If you think he wont do it again then unfortunately you are the mugg he is taking you for (I apologise for being harsh).

It was a year of lying and fucking someone else, someone younger than you. Think about that.

ellsbells2 · 20/05/2018 08:49

You're acting like a complete mug.

He had told you loud and clear that he does not love you. Listen.

You are prolonging your own agony. I would lay money on the OW not wanting him. He is telling you he may be able to love you but this is to keep you on side until the ow changes her mind or another one comes along.

Honestly, get some counselling and build your self esteem.

DownTownAbbey · 20/05/2018 08:52

He's cleverly saved himself the expense of a divorce whilst blaming you and your deficiencies for his philandering.

I'll bet ready money that he'll either cheat again, secure in the knowledge that he has laid the groundwork to prove you hadn't 'tried' hard enough after his last affair to make him love you, or, as AuntF said he'll suddenly realise he's able to afford a divorce better once you have no dependents.

Please take the 'kick me' sign off your back. If you're determined to try again HE makes all the changes. Cheeky fucker.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2018 08:54

Oh dear.

whiteroseredrose · 20/05/2018 08:58

#cheeseplant99 I do know of a similar situation to yours where things worked out fine. And another happy marriage that survived an affair.

When my FIL retired and just before our wedding he went through a strange period. He spent a lot of time on the phone to the daughter of an old friend who had separated from her husband because only she 'understood' him and on one occasion at a dinner party with friends told MIL that he had never loved her. They had been married 35 years at this point and until this time he had always been quite obviously besotted. I don't know the ins and outs because we were living a distance away at the time but he had a couple of 'petit mal' type fits or absences and was investigated for causes such as a brain tumour etc. It turned out to be epilepsy but I digress. Twenty year later they are still together and back to their mutually adoring selves.

I'd say never underestimate the power of lust. It can make sane people bonkers but is very much a transitory thing. While on that hormonal high your DH may feel,that the OW is amazing and it may have distorted his feelings for you. But it doesn't mean that he never loved you nor that things are unsalvageable. Once the hormones have worn off he'll hopefully get his sanity back and you can rebuild and move on.

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 20/05/2018 09:08

Thank you whiteroseredrose I am convinced this is the case too. I'm sure he was flattered by the younger woman's attentions, a sort of mid life crisis I suppose. Now she is out of his system I am willing to forgive and forget the affair. And yes, all our friends say that from the outside we are the perfect couple, and they are so happy we are trying to fix things. Once we can put this behind us I know we have a good future ahead x

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 20/05/2018 09:37

I know someone who is in an almost identical situation to you OP, but I see the DH at work every day, pining over the other woman in a really very odd way. He’s not over her and if she really called, he’d come running, nay, sprinting to start his wonderful new life with her.
I’m not sure if these things are or start off as part of an breakdown mentally, or if it’s just a man’s justification for it, but I know 2 very close friends/family that this has happened to and the themes just recur. The first one ended in divorce and 3 years post divorce she is now able to speak to him without snarling and is 90% of the way to real indifference. The other is going on right now, just like you, and she’s staying with him because they’re moving away. I sincerely hope this helps but I strongly suspect that this will start all over again somewhere else as he just doesn’t want to be with/stay with his wife enough to truly commit again. In your situation I would leave, but before seeing this in other couples I would likely have tried again. Xx

Helmetbymidnight · 20/05/2018 10:02

I think a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair. It usually requires the person who did it:

To be honest - your dh isn’t. (Of course they had sex.)

To be sorry - your dh doesn’t sound like he is. At all.

to really want to be with his long term partner - your dh doesn’t sound keen.

to not blame his long term partner - your dh has.

Brendaofbeechhouse · 20/05/2018 10:32

More personal space? He spent a year shagging another woman with out you cottoning on - how much more personal space you think he needs?

And you do understand this isn't the other woman's fault. His behaviour is his own responsibility.

Original poster
cheeseplant99 · 20/05/2018 10:44

I know it may seem hard to believe, but I contacted the OW and she also stated that physically there had been a lot of kissing, and there had been sexual touching on two occasions but not full sex. She is also not single and lives in a different city to my husband, so I imagine even if they wanted to have sex it would have been difficult. Basically she confirmed that the affair had mostly been emotional x

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 20/05/2018 10:49

He has said he doesn't love you, why would you want to stay ? He's disrespected you time and time again and you are letting him do it again.

DonnaHonague · 20/05/2018 10:54

What’s wrong with you?! You must be so desperate. Shame

ellsbells2 · 20/05/2018 10:56

Do you not think your husband may have told her what he had told you?

I think you need to wise up.

StormcloakNord · 20/05/2018 10:59

You're giving women a bad name.

Have some self respect, and stop being so desperate and settling for someone who couldn't give a flying fuck about how you feel.

Do you not hear yourself? Are you not mortally embarrassed that you're actually considering staying with a man who has said he doesn't love you?!

Brendaofbeechhouse · 20/05/2018 11:13

And if the ow has a partner, who she doesn't want to leave, it is in her own interests to lie to you. But you are an adult, so you can make your own choices. If you were my friend i might be supportive of your decision, but secretly i would want to slap you silly.