I'm feeling very emotional right now, but want to try and describe my situation as rationally as possible, as I need to know if anybody has been in a similar situation and has managed to make things work.
A bit of background - I've been married to my husband for 24 years, we have two teenage children on the verge of leaving home. Although our marriage has had its ups and downs, I thought we were solid, I thought we were soul mates. But for most of last year he became very distant and secretive, and I knew something was wrong. I asked multiple times but he always denied there was a big problem. Until October when he confessed that he'd been having an affair with a much younger colleague for almost a year. He admitted to sexual contact with her on two occasions, but says they never had full sex, and almost all physical contact was limited to kissing (and I believe him). The worst part though, is that at the time he told me that he was in love with her and she was his best friend, and he thought he might want to leave us to be with her.
But very quickly after seeing the hurt he caused me and our children he told me that he wanted to see if there was a way that we could work things out and get our marriage back on track. He moved out of the family home at this time to give us space and agreed to start counselling. I thought that soon enough he would miss us and the wake up call of living in a rented room would be enough to bring him home. But the indecision lasted 6 months and although he would attend counselling he never seemed willing to fully engage. During this time he confessed to me that he'd never been sure about our marriage and in his gut he had always had feelings of wanting to leave. This hurt almost more than the other woman - how could he have been feeling this way for so long and say nothing!
Anyway I decided enough was enough so I told him that unless he was willing to come back straight away it was over. At this point he decided he'd rather end things (this was about 1 month ago). I was utterly devastated, and started the process of trying to move on, was supposed to see a solicitor this week to get the divorce proceedings started. But over the weekend he came to see me and told me he still wasn't 100% sure about the divorce. He wasn't sure he could cope with the guilt, and he wanted to be totally sure he wouldn't have regrets. This threw me, I thought I knew where we stood, but I love him so much and in my heart I want to give him another chance. He still isn't sure about getting back together, but he is possibly open to the idea of talking about it.
What should I do? He is the love of my life and I'm terrified of leaving him and starting again. I'm 47, and it's just not something I want to think about at my age. But I also don't know if I can live in a marriage knowing all that has happened and how my DH has been feeling. He confessed over the weekend that he is not in love with me, and may never be, so if I go back I will have to live with that knowledge.
Please help :(