Morbid/Delusional Jealousy - Any sufferers out there

[Sshhbear]

I am keen to hear from anyone who suffers from morbid jealousy. My partner of 16 years seem to have developed it over the last year and I am desperately researching information on the subject in an attempt to get him to realise that he has a problem. At this stage he's in complete denial that there is anything wrong with him and believes it's up to me to prove him wrong and earn his trust back.
I'm particularly interested in hearing from sufferers as I would like to be able to read some stories from others to help him realise that he needs help.
His main symptoms are:

• Believing whole heartedly that I have had and may still be having an affair. He knows I'm a bit of a prude and he knows I have never cheated in the past with him or anyone else.
• Controlling my activities - at the moment he has asked me to go two months without leaving the house unattended (by him and/or the kids). Previously this was 'until we get married'. He believes this is the answer to making sure I'm not up to anything.
• Thinking irrational things - he thinks I'm getting up in the middle of the night while he's sleeping and having sex with another man on our front deck. Important to note he's a light sleeper, I'm a heavy sleeper and our deck is not at all private from the street.
• Threatening me (aggressively saying "look out if I ever find out I am right") - he is not violent and has never layed a hand on me
• Walking around swinging a baseball bat for exercise - most of the time to help him get his strength back post shoulder reconstruction but other times, when he's feeling frustrated. He never threatens me with the bat but it is still intimidating.
• Blaming me for his feelings. He doesn't believe his gut feelings could possibly be wrong. Says he's not stupid and for him to feel this means that I am to blame because it is my actions that have caused it.
• He is toying with the idea that maybe I'm schitzophrenic and that's why I keep lying to him about my perceived infidelity.

I am 47 and also going through early menopause symptoms. I am nervous and jumpy and while I know anxiety can happen with menopause, I think it's because I'm worn out and emotionally spent after 11 months of accusations. Unfortunately, he sees my anxiety as caused by the emotional stress I am under managing two relationships (the second one being the one that doesn't exist).

I took him to his dr and she referred us to their psychologist. This didn't go well. He walked out after half an hour alone with her saying she couldn't help. He says this is because I had already spoken to her first and she wouldn't give an opinion on who was right.

I posted back in November 17 asking for advice on this same subject as I was getting married in March 18 to my man. 16 years is a long time and I love my other half dearly so despite some people suggesting I didn't go through with the wedding, I did anyway. Don't judge me on this please.

He doesn't want help. He is not a good father, he is causing irreparable damage to your children. And of course to you. You've got one life only. Don't waste it. Or your children's.

God that sounds awful, my ex partner was like that. You should prob get out while you can my lovely. But calmly. X

My ex husband is so similar to yours. I wasn’t allowed out of the house while on maternity leave and he would interrogate me for hours each night as to “who I was having an affair with”.

He was prescribed respiridone but refused to take it. Saw a psych nurse a couple of times.

I went to a women’s refuge after 5 years of it. Been divorced for over a decade, thank goodness.

Often a person who is paranoid and delusional does not know they need help. It seems real to them. However, he is adult and your job is first to look after yourself and your children. If you are not safe you cannot help him.

The reality is he has to be made to accept treatment in the first instance. I don't know how it works in Oz. Please talk to your GP.

@annandale so sorry for you.

He sounds very dangerous. My stbxh is convinced that I had an affair and has accused me of fancying and having affairs with certain people plus also thinks I've been plotting behind his back but nothing on the scale of what you're saying.

He's carrying around a baseball bat , tracking you 24/7 and accusing you of sleeping with someone in your house whilst he's there. He's paranoid and convinced that he's right. God knows what his brain will tell him you're up to next or your children.

You need to speak to your doctor about him and see what your options are.

The advice you're going to get is to leave him op. I don't think you're stupid but I do think you've been believing you can change him or that he will miraculously get better.

He's not unwell. He's abusive. Your children are going to grow up noticing this and it could affect their future relationships as well.

The best and only advice anyone can give you is to divorce him.

I think you might be better posting on a dedicated MH site like Psychforums if you actually want to hear from someone who has suffered/is suffering from DDJ. Example:
www.psychforums.com/delusional-disorder/
Since it is mostly men who suffer this condition MN is perhaps not going to net you a sufferer but partners who have been in the same situation as you are. (PM me if you want)

The disorder used to also be known as Othello syndrome for good reason - it can be dangerous as others have said so do be careful. As others have said have a bag packed with your and your DC's passports, Id, certs etc and copy asset/bank documents. Do you have a slush fund or access to money that your DH cannot block? You may not need these things but it is best to have them.

It is not a good environment for your DC.You may think they are okay as you argue elsewhere but they will probably sense there is changed, heightened atmosphere in the house. Have they stopped bringing friends back? Started not wanting to go to school? There are usually signs they are not feeling quite as comfortable as before.I think you should tell your DC that their dad is having MH issues and perhaps think about contacting the school counsellor (if they have one) or the safeguarding lead so the school can flag up any out of character issues and help.

Your DH has a fixed belief - he believes he is being totally rational (despite no back story, evidence etc) so no amount of arguing will change this belief( until the episode has passed). DDJ is also known as a Delusional disorder of the "normal" kind because although the accusations the sufferer makes are not true they "could be" in reality as some people do cheat on their partner and gaslight and lie about it.

Make a double appointment at the GP and tell your DH you want him to come with you the doctor to talk about your situation. Give the GP a heads up or go see them on your own beforehand. If your DH underplays things or won't accept help then there isn't much you can do to help your DH. I know you have got him to the GP and psychologist before but would he more receptive this time as he is further into his episode? I would also give him an ultimatum - see the GP, try the meds/counselling or else and follow through! If not then you look to yourself and DC.

Could your DH go and stay elsewhere- with his parents/ relatives for a bit? Could you afford a private therapist - would he agree to that. Some people are very resistant to having MH issues on their public health record. A good therapist will encourage your DH to seek help from the GP with meds etc.

Omg. Your OP made my blood run cold! An unstable man swinging a baseball bat?
it sounds like the plot of a horror film. You're not thinking rationally. Please get those kids and leave.

If you have a good relationship with your mother I think I would talk to her again and this time show how worried you are about the situation. Could the DC stay there for a bit, could she come and stay so they aren't left alone with the DF?

Someone I used to be in a relationship had very bad anxiety. He'd always been on the jealous side but only mildly and wasn't controlling. However, he was prescribed diazapam for his anxiety and his jealously went through the roof. He accused me of cheating, demanded to look at my texts and emails for "proof". I showed him them at first because they showed that some of the things he was saying could not be true. He still didn't believe me. He said I'd "doctored the evidence". He called me a liar again and again. He asked at other times to see my emails for "proof" but I never showed him them again after what happened the first time. I knew it was pointless. Eventually, in one of his more lucid moments I talked him into stopping the diazapam, he did and after about a week he went back to normal. It took me a long time to recover from it though. Being repeatedly called a liar and accused of things you have never done, even when there is evidence to show you're telling the truth, it's demoralising and it's exhausting. I'm only sharing that so you know you're not alone. I'm not in that relationship anymore, it ended for different reasons but it was an awful time.

Your husband may be sick, and he probably is completely convinced of the truth of what he is saying, even if it's far fetched or can be proved to be false. When someone in that state gets things in their head there is nothing you can to do convince them otherwise. All you can do is make sure you and your dc are safe and leave him to it. He needs help but you need to make sure you are safe op. I feel really worried about you. I think you and the children need to be away from him. Even if it's only until he sorts himself out and gets some help. Right now that sounds like a really dangerous situation. The fact your dh is walking round swinging a bat is terrifying. You might think he'd never hit you, but did you ever think he would be tracking your movements, telling you not to leave the house alone and all the other controlling crazy stuff he's doing?

he needs professional help

do you know why he has these issues?

the bottom line is that the only way to deal with this is to get professional help. Can you afford to pay for psychiatric help? I would pay to go and see a psychiatrist together. You won't need to go first, with a good psych he'll see exactly what is going on once you've both said your piece.

This is the only way forward if I'm honest.

Nothing you can do or say will change the way he behaves.

I mean the only way to move forward if you want to stay together!

And the weed definitely won't be helping him.

Weed can make him like this. However, he is also showing typical dominator abusive behaviour. That baseball bat thing is a classic ruse. My daughter is having counselling right now because her ex was exactly like this. I think your sympathy for his illness is misplaced and it is not your thing to fix, only he can do this.

I don't want to downplay the baseball bat thing but he's not walking around with it 24/7. He does genuinely use it for strength building but will often do slow meaningful swings at the end of his strength training. He is not aiming it at anyone or threatening anyone with it. Just wanted everyone to be clear that he is not threatening me with it. Also, he is the soft parent - I am the 'rules' parent in our house. In his current mental state, he would never hurt our kids and at this point, I don't believe he would hurt me either. If I felt that he would, I would be out so quickly, he wouldn't be able to catch me.

this is not your fault, you know that right

Cannabis=paranoia

He's projecting his infidelity

He doesn't want to help himself.

So him also carrying it around "when he's feeling frustrated" isn't the case ? And him making threats is not threatening.

You're really minimising here.

You mentioned the bat swinging (we don't know your DH's intentions as we can only go on what you tell us) you said you felt "intimidated by it." You are living in an environment of being falsely accused with vague threats, aggression, curfews and other controlling behavior - you are being emotionally abused and living in a climate of fear. Are you also being financially abused/controlled? Do not under estimate the effects of it all on your MH and well being (physically and mentally). Check out the Depression Fallout book by Anne Sheffield and the General discussion forum on Depressionfalloutmessageboard on taptalk. (Severe depression can cause people to fall over into DDJ)

He does need help and you have tried to get it for him.You have been an ever loving and good partner.
It's hard because you didn't cause his MH issue, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If he won't accept help from you or medical professionals then (at least here in the UK don't know about Aus) no one is going to come riding in to save him (or you). I was shocked at the lack of help available and the timescales (6 month wait for counselling etc) whilst at the same time being told to have a bag packed and numbers for police, hotels etc.

You really do need to try to emotionally detach and put your energy into looking after yourself and the DC. Your DH needs to want to get help for himself. However, the situation is potentially dangerous - your DH may not become violent but then again he may. Does he have the cold, dark, shark eyes? is he crying? is he hard and bitter? Read up (as you probably have ) on DDJ and go see someone yourself who is an expert on the situation for counselling and help.

Please don't ignore the advice on here. It may seem catastrophising but you really should" hope for the best but prepare for the worst"

He sounds very dangerous and mentally ill, OP. another 'blood run cold' poster. Possibly paranoid schizophrenia? (interesting he said you had that).

honestly you sound deluded that you think the problem is simply "morbid" jealousy. Morbid jealousy can be a prelude to physical harm and murder.

I hope you are going to make sure you are safe, physically and emotionally.

I don't think you are taking the posts in here, so I am not sure what you are looking for on this thread. No sane person suffers with the kind of 'morbid jealousy' and other behaviours you describe.

If you ever need help, make sure you know what to do. Try ringing Womens Aid. Or the Police. If you decide to get away (and I hope you do) make sure you do it with help. The time before, during and just after leaving is the most dangerous time. From what you are describing he will immediately assume that you have left to go off with another man, and may want swift revenge.

to see this post.

I hope you are going to be alright.

This might be one of the scariest things I've read on here.

He does smoke marijuana - most nights to help him sleep
And there we have it.
He needs to stop this.
This is probably causing all this paranoia!
If he won't then you will have to live with this for the foreseeable future.
There is no way on this planet I could live with this.
It will destroy you in the end.
He quits with the weed or you leave.

for goodness sake woman, face reality. This man is mentally ill, either as a result of his cannabis use or otherwise. He is DANGEROUS. You are seriously AT RISK. stop minimizing, stop explaining, stop trying to pacify him and get the hell out, Today with your kids.

Your are being cavalier with your life and it will be much too late when he has his hands round your neck and is strangling you because he thinks you did something on your way home from our parents

WAKE UP.

Someone I know has been in a drug induced psychosis for the past couple of years. Habitual marijuana smoker of several decades. They present very "classically" and yet have still evaded diagnosis. As the grass grows green, they are being followed, the weed is helping their paranoia (they acknowledge they are paranoid), etc. Very sad. In his case his paranoia or delusions dont extend to any relationship worries. It has still had a severe and worrying impact on their relationship, though. All I can say is that it is not something which will simply resolve itself. It is likely to get worse. It may never get better. And you are at risk.