Morbid/Delusional Jealousy - Any sufferers out there

[Sshhbear]

I am keen to hear from anyone who suffers from morbid jealousy. My partner of 16 years seem to have developed it over the last year and I am desperately researching information on the subject in an attempt to get him to realise that he has a problem. At this stage he's in complete denial that there is anything wrong with him and believes it's up to me to prove him wrong and earn his trust back.
I'm particularly interested in hearing from sufferers as I would like to be able to read some stories from others to help him realise that he needs help.
His main symptoms are:

• Believing whole heartedly that I have had and may still be having an affair. He knows I'm a bit of a prude and he knows I have never cheated in the past with him or anyone else.
• Controlling my activities - at the moment he has asked me to go two months without leaving the house unattended (by him and/or the kids). Previously this was 'until we get married'. He believes this is the answer to making sure I'm not up to anything.
• Thinking irrational things - he thinks I'm getting up in the middle of the night while he's sleeping and having sex with another man on our front deck. Important to note he's a light sleeper, I'm a heavy sleeper and our deck is not at all private from the street.
• Threatening me (aggressively saying "look out if I ever find out I am right") - he is not violent and has never layed a hand on me
• Walking around swinging a baseball bat for exercise - most of the time to help him get his strength back post shoulder reconstruction but other times, when he's feeling frustrated. He never threatens me with the bat but it is still intimidating.
• Blaming me for his feelings. He doesn't believe his gut feelings could possibly be wrong. Says he's not stupid and for him to feel this means that I am to blame because it is my actions that have caused it.
• He is toying with the idea that maybe I'm schitzophrenic and that's why I keep lying to him about my perceived infidelity.

I am 47 and also going through early menopause symptoms. I am nervous and jumpy and while I know anxiety can happen with menopause, I think it's because I'm worn out and emotionally spent after 11 months of accusations. Unfortunately, he sees my anxiety as caused by the emotional stress I am under managing two relationships (the second one being the one that doesn't exist).

I took him to his dr and she referred us to their psychologist. This didn't go well. He walked out after half an hour alone with her saying she couldn't help. He says this is because I had already spoken to her first and she wouldn't give an opinion on who was right.

I posted back in November 17 asking for advice on this same subject as I was getting married in March 18 to my man. 16 years is a long time and I love my other half dearly so despite some people suggesting I didn't go through with the wedding, I did anyway. Don't judge me on this please.

I'm not an expert about mental health but I agree with the PP who mentioned sectioning tbh - this stuff about you sneaking out to have sex on the deck is properly 'out there', I'd be mentally packing my bags (not to LTB perhaps but just to retreat to a place of safety, like my mother's, in the context of the baseball bat until he's well again!) as soon as I heard that. Are there children around? I would be very worried on their behalf. Good luck OP, keep pushing the doctor's psychologists etc.

oh and not leaving the house unattended - talk about alarm bells ringing!

Not sure this helps at all, but at one point I thought I was suffering from this, even posted a thread under a different name. Turned out the underlying cause was something unresolved from many many years ago. Dp had cheated, and hidden it. My subconscious obviously suspected something, I was shown to be correct last week.

Is there anything in the past he might be stuck with/wondering about?

Well the weed is probably adding to his paranoia so he should knock that on the head.

He needs to go to to the GP and get proper help.

And I agree with everyone else. He's dangerous and will harm you and your children one day. You need to get out.

I don't know how you can be so passive. Speak to your families again and ask for help.

My experience of someone with delusional paranoia (not jealousy, but belief everyone was stealing from him all the time) is that he eventually beat his (adult) son half to death and is now in prison. And unrepentant.

Assuming you could get him to engage properly with a MH professional are you aware that part of his treatment will be 'geographical separation from his partner' OP? Maybe if you did that part first he would be more motivated to get the rest of the treatment he needs. And of course you and DC would be safe. If your diagnosis is correct he is suffering from a delusional mental illness and obviously you (nor he) have any idea how that might develop, I honestly don't think you and DC are safe OP.

I havrnt suffered from this. But i have suffered at the hands of it. Its abuse.

My (now ex) H, started like your dh. Checking my phone, insisting i was recieving calls from men at night (despite my phone being on the side where he could see it), kicking off if I went to work a bit early, parking outside work as he was convinced i was sneaking out of work etc.

Its escalated into him tracking me, logging into my laptop and syncing my phone to it so he knew where I was at all times, following me, me not being able to go out (even to the supermarket with my son), me not being able to text or contact anyone.

He had counselling. But it didnt help, he just changed the things he did. Started insisting that we MUST tell eachother everything. I wasnt allowed a private thought or conversation. Even if my best friend had an issue with her husband and we talked, he HAD to know every detail. Starting crying if i left the house, calling me and texting me until I camr home. He of course didnt tell me everything. Counselling didnt work, because deep down, he thought he was right. Now I am out and can see there has always been bits of that behaviour. Right from the start. I bet you, that if you left and got some distance you would see that too. I am sure its not started in the last 12 months, its just escalating and will continue to do so.

The only way was to walk away from a 20 year marriage. Thats what I did.

This isn't a health condition you can help fix OP. The only viable option is to leave him but it's clear you don't want to hear that.

Olicity17 - sorry to hear about your horrible experience. I don't think he has ever been like this before. I worked away from home for 18 months (this work ended in June last year) and this started when I got home. While I was away, I was coming home most weekends and holidays and we very much in love the whole time we were together. I hope that my marriage is salvageable. I love him and he has always treated me beautifully despite the first 12 years of our relationship being plagued by the drama of my first born delinquent son. If it was there before, maybe he just didn't have time to entertain the thoughts because we were so busy trying to manage DS1.
I am also good friends with the mother of his eldest child. They were together for 5 years and she never saw this in him either.

Shozfordian - you are right. I don't want to leave him. I want to help him so we can get on with the rest of our lives. If I felt I was in immediate danger, I would certainly call the police or a neighbour and leave. I am not a stupid person and I hope I will know when it's time to give up.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves op?

Did he cheat on you while you were working away? Could it be projection.

This is a hugely abusive and dysfunctional relationship you are modelling for your children here.

You set a low bar if you don't think the time to leave is now.

Open your eyes.

Have you told the doctor he is taking marijuana? In some people it can trigger psychosis and sounds v possible here.
It can lead people to be delusional. Marijuana can be dismissed as not important but it is often used to self medicate but then exacerbate any mental illness. It is v serious but is often dismissed by GPs. Ideally he needs to see a psychiatrist. People who are paranoid and delusional are difficult to help because help is viewed through the lens of the paranoia.
Ideally he needs to stop using and the only way might be through admittance.

Marijuana will exacerbate his mental health problems. (Paranoia etc).

You need the involvement of mental health services.

Do you really think daddy wandering around swinging a baseball bat is the kind of normality you want to give your dc?

100% agree with seventh.

Please see this for what it really is.

Abuse abuse abuse.

I'm so sorry for your children (and you) that you refuse to see that they (and you) are in danger.

I think you will struggle to find what you're looking for. Othello syndrome is rare, easily unrecognised as a mental illness, and difficult to treat. If the delusional obsession is that the CIA are reading your thoughts, then everyone will recognise the mental illness and address it - and its STILL extremely difficult to treat.

But in your case, everyone will first need to be convinced that your husband is being irrational.

You may get some insight into seeing a psychiatrist, yourself.

Seeing a psychologist would be a second line treatment. He needs to see a psychiatrist and get the paranoia under control first.

I don't think you are being fair on your children. What you told your daughter sounds quite cryptic, goodness knows what she made of it. Women married to unpleasant husbands are always saying on here that they are great Dads, but living 24/7 in a stressed or angry or moody atmosphere or with a DH swinging a baseball bat is NOT good. Kids appear to accept what goes on around them because they can't do anything else, a 11 year old can't pack a bag and move on. They can't tell their DP to get a grip as it would be laughed away.
This isn't a good life for them.

I think you need to call the crisis team OP.

I have paranoid schizophrenia and when not on medication think my DP is having multiple affairs. From a sufferers point of view, you just know in your heart that it's the truth and everything is evidence to points to it and backs it up. It doesn't matter what anyone else says or how they try and reason with you, you just know the truth and even trying to persuade someone that they are delusional can be more proof!

I take antipsychotic medication which doesn't stop the thoughts completely, but enables me to think more logically and challenge them. then again, I also thought the Government was testing microwave weapons on me and that I was an important Freemason.

The problem with delusions is that they are firmly held fixed beliefs. The person has lost touch with reality.

Fwiw I think your DP is suffering from Delusional Disorder which is commonly the Jealous Type. If he is delusional he sincerely believes what he is saying and with all respect, he is probably more distressed than you are.

He sounds very unwell and needs intervention so you can both have some quality of life. He wouldn't be sectioned as he's not currently a danger to himself or others, but please call the crisis team and tell them exactly what you've told us.

I think the problem with what you are asking for is that for someone to both have delusional disorder/morbid jealousy and be able to talk about their experience of it requires them to have insight into it, ie recognise their thinking as disordered rather than believing in their conclusions. This is a very small pool of people: those who have recovered from delusional disorder (to be a current sufferer would be contradictory).

There aren't good psychological or drug treatments for delusional disorder. The prognosis is poor even if you can access help (which unless something happens, will only happen if he consents and engages, ie accepts there is something wrong with how he thinks - this is unlikely). The risks are high. There are a number of cases where people kill/seriously harm children and partners in these contexts. If you choose to stay rather than leave a situation that is already clearly abusive, please think very carefully about escalating risk and make an escape plan. At what point is it enough? Are you going to wait for something to happen? That something could be very serious and final. Even if something doesn't happen, there will be harm done to you and your children by living in that psychologically and emotionally abusive environment.

The sorts of thinking described above, e.g. sneaking out for sex on the deck, a conclusion built on no evidence, is classic delusional disorder and very hard to challenge. Any evidence you might bring is immaterial - the conclusion or delusion is totally fixed and all evidence will be made to fit this.

Honestly, if it were me, I would get out but please be very very careful doing it. If this can be sorted out, why can't that happen whilst you are separated, when you feel safe? If he is able to get past this, he will have to learn to believe you and trust your word again. He can do that while you are in a safer, less psychologically and emotionally abusive living environment, for both you and your children. But be very very careful as the risk will increase during the period of planning and leaving. Can you speak to people at the school to help get you some support and plan an organised escape?

You have a duty to protect your children. And that involves protecting their mother and allowing them to live in a stable environment.

He is very ill. You're doing no one any favours by just going along with this and trying to appease him. The stuff he's coming out with is deeply concerning and sounds like paranoid delusions.

If I was you I'd speak to my gp and tell them what's happening. I also don't know why you're calling it morbid jealousy. Speak to your doctor and say you need help. For all your sakes.

I am not a stupid person and I hope I will know when it's time to give up.

It is time to give up; this abusive behaviour will only escalate until such point he physically attacks you or your children.

To have someone tell you to your face that you are betraying them and lying to them about it is very difficult. Especially if you have high standards and would never do the things you are being accused of.
I had this kind of relationship when I was quite young and now I recognize it for what it was- emotional abuse
There was nothing I could have done and no way I could have behaved that would have changed his mind about me. It was totally draining and devastating and has affected my life and relationships years later

You think your kids are not aware but my 8 year old is so perceptive she asks questions when there is something going on I can assure you that your child knows things are not right here

He sounds like he is verging on being very dangerous pls take the advice here to heart

Your kids are being affected, and this condition is hard to treat even for people who recognise their need for help. Your husband may never reach that point.

Go back to GP. Say that you will not be leaving until you get further support. Describe his behaviour, whether or not you find it intimidating or think he's joking. Let the GP know the words DH uses, his body language, what he does.

This is in my opinion a MH condition exacerbated by weed smoking resulting in abusive paranoid behaviour. He is being abusive and he and you need help now.

I want to help him so we can get on with the rest of our lives

But you can only help him if he wants to be helped

Please talk to your GP - your health is clearly being affected and I am concerned that you are living with someone with deteriorating psychosis and a drug habit, who is handling a weapon to intimidate you.

My husband took his own life in an acute psychotic episode in February. It was only
by desperate measures that our son was prevented from arriving home from school into the middle of his dad's death, the armed police, the air ambulance etc. This all sounds incredibly dangerous. I agree that he needs to see a psychiatrist and an appointment with his gp is indicated. Go with him and write to them beforehand. Don't spend time trying to prove your innocence to a psychotic man, keep yourselves safe and raise the alarm with the health care services.