Morbid/Delusional Jealousy - Any sufferers out there

[Sshhbear]

I am keen to hear from anyone who suffers from morbid jealousy. My partner of 16 years seem to have developed it over the last year and I am desperately researching information on the subject in an attempt to get him to realise that he has a problem. At this stage he's in complete denial that there is anything wrong with him and believes it's up to me to prove him wrong and earn his trust back.
I'm particularly interested in hearing from sufferers as I would like to be able to read some stories from others to help him realise that he needs help.
His main symptoms are:

• Believing whole heartedly that I have had and may still be having an affair. He knows I'm a bit of a prude and he knows I have never cheated in the past with him or anyone else.
• Controlling my activities - at the moment he has asked me to go two months without leaving the house unattended (by him and/or the kids). Previously this was 'until we get married'. He believes this is the answer to making sure I'm not up to anything.
• Thinking irrational things - he thinks I'm getting up in the middle of the night while he's sleeping and having sex with another man on our front deck. Important to note he's a light sleeper, I'm a heavy sleeper and our deck is not at all private from the street.
• Threatening me (aggressively saying "look out if I ever find out I am right") - he is not violent and has never layed a hand on me
• Walking around swinging a baseball bat for exercise - most of the time to help him get his strength back post shoulder reconstruction but other times, when he's feeling frustrated. He never threatens me with the bat but it is still intimidating.
• Blaming me for his feelings. He doesn't believe his gut feelings could possibly be wrong. Says he's not stupid and for him to feel this means that I am to blame because it is my actions that have caused it.
• He is toying with the idea that maybe I'm schitzophrenic and that's why I keep lying to him about my perceived infidelity.

I am 47 and also going through early menopause symptoms. I am nervous and jumpy and while I know anxiety can happen with menopause, I think it's because I'm worn out and emotionally spent after 11 months of accusations. Unfortunately, he sees my anxiety as caused by the emotional stress I am under managing two relationships (the second one being the one that doesn't exist).

I took him to his dr and she referred us to their psychologist. This didn't go well. He walked out after half an hour alone with her saying she couldn't help. He says this is because I had already spoken to her first and she wouldn't give an opinion on who was right.

I posted back in November 17 asking for advice on this same subject as I was getting married in March 18 to my man. 16 years is a long time and I love my other half dearly so despite some people suggesting I didn't go through with the wedding, I did anyway. Don't judge me on this please.

Op I am in Australia too. If you an't call anyone please go to the nearest police station. Ask for the family violence liason officer (they may or may not have one). Do not leave the kids there with him, take them with you. Police will take you seriously and can help connect you to mental health and family violence organisations so that you and the kids are safe and he gets some help. You can show them your thread here if you struggle to explain things to them. Please stay safe.

Well done getting away.

I really hope you stay away.
Get as much DV support as you can.
Stay strong.

Sshhbear- I'm so relieved to hear that you and the children are out of the house now.

I wonder if you should call your local police now and explain the situation so they can respond very quickly should he find you. Do contact the schools and let them know what's happening, or even keep them off for a few days while the dust settles a bit.

Hopefully he'll decide that he does need to get the help he needs. Please be very wary though and don't meet him face to face on your own.

All the best. We're here for you.

Op, i am glad you are out. But please be careful.

I had left my ex and found months later that he was tracking me. Using a smart watch that he bought me as a gift while married. Which included tracking my sleep and whereabouts. When he bought me it, I thought it was just a lovely gift at the timr. Took me ages to see the truth.

Just because you are out, please dont ket your guard down. He may be able to fake remorse and regret for a bit to get you back. But if you go back, he will become obsessed about what you were doing while seperated.

Good luck.

I'm late to this thread, but make sure you stay strong. Your story is eerily familiar to me, because my abusive father was like your OH (he's been dead for many years thankfully). His marriage to my DM was just like your relationship. He was constantly suspicious of her, accusing her of cheating on him (he once told me she was cheating on him when I was a young adult), and his accusations made her suicidal at one point, she told me this after his death. He was ill with Parkinson's Disease, so she always excused his behaviour.

She also went on about what a great dad he was, brainwashed us into believing it. The truth was totally different. He was actually abusing us (including SA in his case). And he did have an affair apparently (my sister knows this). Apparently, a woman's infidelity was worse than a man's infidelity.

The medication he was on exacerbated his paranoia, but like your OH, he could never accept that he was wrong.

Please don't look back, this type of behaviour is so damaging, believe me. Even if he isn't actually your DCs (I'm definitely not suggesting that) this type of environment is toxic for children.

You can do this! Well done on getting away.
Xx

Stay strong and stay away now xx

Well done on leaving.

I’m so glad you are out. Please stay safe. He is a very dangerous man.

Well done on leaving - I hope you’re ok. Have you alerted the relevant authorities/told the police about the state of his mental health, it really sounds like he may need to be sectioned for everyone’s safety?

How are things?

I would like to know if there is anything you can update? I'm currently going through this right now. We broke up over it and I now live in my own apartment. I've gone no contact but I deeply love him and am seeking out hope. Things for me escalated to physical violence due to him imagining affairs that have never happened. I pray there's hope. He's in therapy for Delusional jealousy disorder. Idk if he's on any meds specifically for that though the Dr gave him Wellbutrin.

Maybe ZOMBIE thread.

Probably better to start your own Sam. Can’t believe you want to get back together with him though. V v dangerous.

Seriously, there’s a real danger of violence and murder with delusional or psychotic jealousy.

He could kill you, OP, you need to get you and your kids out.

Hi I see this was a few years ago I'm going through exactly the same thing now it's been going on since January and I've spent so much time looking into this and it's how I've come across this. How did things plan out for you guys and how is your husband doing now. I'm a mess and just don't know what way to turn it's a very confusing place to be never been through anything like this before we have been together 17 year's. Like you I don't want to give up on us I love the bone's of that man but I don't know what to do. If you get to see this please reply I'm so desperate to talk to someone who understands this and what it does to a family

123keiron - you need to leave. I went through the same thing. Together 17 years. He turned paranoid, jealous and delusional after 15 years. He held such anger towards me for “cheating” and “lying”. I never cheated or even considered it.
He started being angry at me all the time - I could never do anything right.
I left as for 6 months it turned physically abusive. He strangled me when I asked him to leave. I got a restraining order against him.
This was December 2019.
I still have to see him occasionally (kids together) when dropping the kids off for supervises visits. He still thinks he’s a victim of me being a cheater. He thinks our 12mo baby calls him by the other mans name. She’s only baby babbling! This other man is someone I’ve never even spoken to or met. Only saw him once through the car window! My ex’s previous boss.,

You do need to leave. You can’t do anything right and the anger they hold towards you doesn’t go. In my case building to the point he became abusive. I wish I never had to see him again.

He does genuinely use it for strength building but will often do slow meaningful swings at the end of his strength training. He is not aiming it at anyone or threatening anyone with it. Just wanted everyone to be clear that he is not threatening me with it.

If imagine he could do strength training with any number of other objects.

But he's picked one that's used as a weapon (aside from its original, intended use). You aren't allowed to the them through airports etc for a reason.

It's no coincidence.

He's not swinging it at or threatening you or your kids (yet) but it's a show of strength, or dominance, or potential damage ...

If he could get access to a gun, he'd probably be cleaning a gun regularly or something like that.

Combined with his paranoia, deeply controlling behaviour, mh issues, marijuana use etc .. I'm sorry but you need to be way more worried than you are and making plans.

Thank you for your reply. I didn't explain to much in that post we have both decided to separate because it's become so toxic and we have children together too and it's affecting them. We have separated a few times over the last few months but I keep going back holding on to hope he will see sence and for a week or 2 he seems to but then it all kicks off again. He's never been aggressive towards me and still hasn't but I can honestly see that coming when we argue you can see his eyes change. He's put a camera in the house to try and catch me he thinks I'm waiting for him to go to sleep and then doing this mystery man on my sofa while he's asleep and the kid's are sleeping it's crazy. I stupidly bought a ring door bell to give him peace of mind but he's obsessed with it it records 24/7 and a couple of times it's had a blank patch for half a hr or so he has it in his head this guy I'm so say seeing is a computer whizz and can tamper with it and believes he's hacked his phone and he's changed his email address and lost loads of photos and that. Of course that's my fault he's had to do that. He's showing signs of stalking he took his key back and has let himself in a few times now through the night checking on me and I'm actually freaking out alot about that. I can't bring myself to ask for the key back or to take the battery out of the ring door bell because I feel it will antagonise him further. I'm now taking medication and getting help because my anxiety is so bad. I e never gone through anything like this before and think I'm at the point where I realise I just can't go on like this and these thoughts will never go away. But I want more than anything for him to be well and find himself again it's like he's a completely different person to who he was and it's bloody scary. Reading so much on it has probably made my anxiety worse because pretty much everything I've read said if left untreated it can end in suicide or even homicide and he refuses to see he's not well. I've shown him what I've found on the condition he listened to me then got quite pissed off with me for trying to convince him he's ill when I'm the sicko playing games with him. He's definitely to far gone and won't get help but at the moment he hasn't been violent towards me so it's not like I can just phone police and I feel like doing that will only make him more upset and angry with me anyway. I've been understanding of what he's going through and have tried the nice approach saying it must feel horrible but I can't keep that up for long before my temper gets the better of me and I've been pretty evil and said he needs locking up because he's bat shit crazy and I'm just as crazy for going back to someone who's clearly lost the plot. If I could find away of just helping him I would if he had delusions of any other know I think I could be there for him it doesn't feel right knowing he's ill and giving up on him.
Again thank you for your reply x

"He's definitely to far gone and won't get help but at the moment he hasn't been violent towards me so it's not like I can just phone police and I feel like doing that will only make him more upset and angry with me anyway."

You're wrong when you say he hasn't been violent towards you. In fact, he has been very violent towards you and you should go to the police. All the behaviours you are describing are violent. He has been inflicting emotional and psychological violence on you and you are suffering deeply - you have developed anxiety and are taking medication and you are bloody scared. So the emotional and psychological violence has already caused you significant harm. In themselves they are unlikely to be lethal but they could cause you permanent emotional and psychological damage. And the situation is clearly escalating. The next step is for him to be physically violent and you don't know what may result from that.

He is choosing not to get help. His ability to choose may be affected by his mental health issues but that's neither here nor there. His behaviour is escalating and since he refuses to get help, you need to rescue yourself and your DC from this situation. You need to harden your heart against him for now because you can't fix this situation and you and potentially your DC are in danger from him.

I think you need to inform the police. You need to change the locks so he can't come in and out. Yes that may antagonise him but you're living on a knife edge with him as it is - and god forbid that he should come in when you're asleep and harm you. Also, do you have a relative who could move into the house with you to support you?

Is his GP involved? If you haven't done so, you need to involve outside agencies and start getting support from professionals who know how to deal with this situation. I think you should also speak to the police. You're not letting him down by doing this. You can't give him the help he needs and he is a danger to you and possibly also your DC and you need to protect yourself and your DC from him.

Did I mention that I think you should talk to the police!? Sorry - didn't pick up that I had said that 3 times until after I posted...

I am going to phone our doctors tomorrow to see what they suggest I do. At the beginning of this he said I need help I feel like I'm having a breakdown when this all started it took a little while to convince him to see a Dr but then lock down happened so all he got was a phone call from the Dr he sat in the car and spoke to her she said she didn't think he needed any antidepressants or any medication but to do a self referral to mind. I think he felt pretty let down by that I could see it at that point he was more aware of not feeling right and wasn't offered help. He then said he would wait until he could have a face to face appointment to talk to someone and now it's a case of he don't need the help I do because I'm the 1 that's sick. I've ordered a bolt to put on my door because I can't shake this feeling of something bad is going to happen at some point. I was asleep at 3.30 the other night when he let himself in he stood at the bedroom door and I was really scared but somehow managed to play it right down so I didn't make him get funny towards me. I got up asked if he wanted a cuppa and had a little calm chat with him for a hour my thought was I don't want the kid's hearing anymore shit so I just sat and spoke with him I did say you do realise this isn't normal behaviour and he sees it as an act of love he said he just needed to see me.
I told him I couldn't believe that because I believe he's come to check I'm alone he laughed it off and said believe what you want. This was Saturday just gone after I had done a 8 he shift I was shattered and couldn't get back to sleep so ended up with 3hrs then went and done another 8 hr shift on Sunday. I left the kid's with him while I had to work and all day I had this horrible knot in my stomach thinking are they all going to be alright. I honestly don't know what is down to my anxiety something I've never dealt with before and not sure how to cope with or how much is logical thinking feeling as frightened as I am.
This has come from no where to how do you go 16 year's knowing I'd never do that to him with no jealousy in our relationship at all to this I can't get my head around that at all. This is the very last thing I ever thought would happen to us. I'm so lost right now I do want that key back but I'm scared to ask for it because he's going to think I want it so I can sneak this mystery man in. You say phone the police but what do I say if they come to me he will know because of the ring door bell if I phone while he's at work if they turn up there I just can't do that to him he's never dealt with police before and to have that at work would be to much for him I just can't 😔

@123kieron I think you can call the police just so they're aware of the situation. He's stalking you, and behaving in an abusive way.

I've just broken up with someone who was similar, and it's so painful and I miss him so much, but his paranoia was out of control. The police were involved with us too. It was a short relationship with no dc and it's still so painful, so I can't imagine what it would feel like if it was a long marriage.

I really do feel you need to talk to the police and you're better off apart. This is affecting your anxiety and making you ill. Good lunch and keep posting here

So you're asking how do you live/cope with it and make him see he's not alone and has a problem?
You don't want advice or suggestions?

You can't call the police because it would be too much for him?
What about you, what about your children?