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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

301 replies

Lifeunexpected · 07/05/2018 14:33

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 07/05/2018 14:34

Why do you even want to stay?

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 07/05/2018 14:35

Just leave. Or get him to leave, whichever.

You know it's the only thing to do.

Happyandyouknowitclapclap · 07/05/2018 14:35

Have you met the OW? Is she OK about the proposed situation or are you likely to have 16 years of drama and stopping on contact to fight against?
Are you and her able to become amicable and could you be around the child without resenting him/her?

Happyandyouknowitclapclap · 07/05/2018 14:38

I think if it was a one off I might manage to stay, but 2 years I couldn't handle even if everything else worked. I'd know they were close enough that he could easily change his mind and choose her and his other child down the line, which would just be harder the longer it was dragged out.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 07/05/2018 14:39

Does he even want to stay? He clearly has no regard for your feelings or your sexual health. Two years is a long time and now he's tied to this OW for life.

CocoaGin · 07/05/2018 14:52

If you're letting him get away with treating you like shit for 2 years, you may as well just move them in. Let him have the easiest life possible, and have you both under the same roof.

As clearly only his feelings matter in your marriage, right?

He sounds a real prize Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2018 14:55

Oh OP. No he’s lied to you every day for 2 years.

Maybe you’re in shock if the revelations are new and you haven’t thought about how awful what’s he’s done is.

I can’t see how this could possibly work.

Do you have children with him?

ellsbells2 · 07/05/2018 14:57

So by being involved with the child he will automatically be involved with thee woman he has spent 2 years cheating on you with.

Don't be a mug. He has no intention of ending the affair.

Missingstreetlife · 07/05/2018 15:02

What is he going to tell your dc? Did you know about the affair?
If you and the ow really want to be a blended family it's possible, your dc will be siblings, but you will both have to be very reasonable. Or you could tolerate the child and not her, difficult.
No telling what he might do. I think it's a disaster and you will be better out of it. She must be silly or not care too much about you

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 07/05/2018 15:06

Just read your other thread. He made you move out of the house with your child so he could shag the other woman under guise of being "depressed". That's two whole years of calculated cruelty to both of you. Get rid.

kikashi · 07/05/2018 15:07

2 years is an intimate long standing relationship. Did you only find out because OW got pregnant? Your H has shown no thought or care for you or your son - as well as the betrayal he has likely spent a lot of family money pursuing this affair and will now have a second household to support for the next 18 years.

He has trampled all across your family and your feelings and only has regard for himself and what suits him. This man is not your friend, he does not cherish or respect you. Unforgivable.

Absofrigginlutely · 07/05/2018 15:27

Having read your other thread I can’t imagine why you would even consider trying to make it work. He has treated you appallingly.

You and your son deserve so much better I can’t tell you.

StarlightSparkle · 07/05/2018 15:33

I can’t give you any other advice other than LTB.

ISpeakJive · 07/05/2018 15:37

Wow. Is that how much you think you’re worth??

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 07/05/2018 15:40

Thank you.

I know. I agree with you all. You're able to stand back and look at the situation without emotion. All the things you're saying - I've thought and I'm still thinking. And no, I'm not sure how the OW will respond re: the baby. I've spoken to her on the phone and we were amicable. This was when she wasn't keeping the baby and we were trying to talk openly - as he had lied to her too. He had pretended we had separated for the majority (not all) of their relationship.

He says he wants to be with me. But it's all so uncertain. Everything is unknown! Logic says run. I know. He's been an absolute waste of a man. But before I move forward, I feel like I need to consider the option. In all likelihood to disregard it. But for 15 years he was my person. What if I'm throwing away the possibility of our family working? Yes, with major alterations and compromises.

And yes, I'm still in shock. I only found out a little over four weeks ago. So much has happened since.

I just wondered if anyone had managed it!

OP posts:
kikashi · 07/05/2018 15:42

Why do you want to stay? Why does this man have such a hold over you? I can only see that no matter how much you may love him he will only break you further ongoing heartbreak (and your DS too)

Absofrigginlutely · 07/05/2018 15:42

I don’t think you would be throwing away anything, he did that.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 07/05/2018 15:45

What if I'm throwing away the possibility of our family working? There is no family. It's already gone.

Cockmagic · 07/05/2018 15:46

To be honest there won't be many "I stayed with cheating dp and we are very happy even though he knocked someone else up" threads.

Because, most women have a sense of pride, and care about their sexual and emotional health.

You would be an idiot to stand by this man, and I'm sure your young son would agree in years to come!

Get out, and in time find yourself a nice man, let your idiot man child impregnate half the population if needs be.

Of course he says he wants to be with you.

Do you seriously think he was meaning your name when he was climaxing inside this other woman?

Cockmagic · 07/05/2018 15:46

#moaning!

daisychainer · 07/05/2018 15:50

I don’t have any advice, but have a look at Esther Perel. She talks a lot about affairs and relationships surviving affairs. She also talks about the fact that wives tend to get shamed more for staying with a husband who has had a affair than the wives that decide to leave.

I remember your other post and in your situation I wouldn’t stay. But you asked for advice about staying, and it’s your life not mine.

PrawnBhuna · 07/05/2018 15:50

Oh OP. I’m pre menstrual so possibly a bit more emotional that usual but honestly your post is still sad to read. You need to respect yourself and leave him. He has treated you appallingly. This was no honest mistake, this is 2 years of him not caring at all about hurting you or your son. Please don’t consider a future with him, you’re worth so much more Flowers

BankHolidayYAS · 07/05/2018 15:51

Fuck. That. Shit.

TheFaerieQueene · 07/05/2018 15:56

It will be like a death by a thousand cuts staying with him and watching him leave to spend time with the child.

Leave and find a new life without a cheating bastard.

Original poster
Lifeunexpected · 07/05/2018 15:59

I crave the clarity that everyone else seems to have! It sounds so simple and rational.

My mind feels like I have decision to make. We have such a solid history (prior to the last few years). And a child.

Why do I want to stay? It's hard to say. The evidence is weighed up to leave. But I spent time with him recently and thought I saw what we could have again. But I do recognise that this wasn't the reality of him moving back in, managing trust, the OW and a baby on the way.

Thank you, @daisychainer. That's helpful x

OP posts:
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