A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

There's a line in the old Chely Wright country song "Shut up and drive" that says something along the lines of "He's the one that will be missing you, and you'll only miss the man you wanted him to be."
When you are grieving or struggling with all this, it's worth keeping that thought in mind. You thought you were in love with a man who was a loving, decent husband - the reality was a lying, cheating weasel of a man, and you are better off without him. As time passes, you will grow stronger, you will see him more clearly as he really is, and you will start to heal. It's a long slow process, with a lot of tears along the way, but you've made a great start. And the goal is so worth it - to be free of him, to have the chance of a happy life, to regain your self esteem, to have the option of new relationships or to be happy alone in your own space. My prayers and best wishes for all good things in your future, OP. God bless.

To be honest, and without wanting to hurt you, I think he has been trying to show/tell you he doesn't want to be with you. He had an affair for 2 whole years, not a one night stand/drunken mistake but 2 YEARS of lies, deceit and plans. Then won't tell people he misses you or that he wants to be with you because he's 'too proud(???!!!)', he admits if she wasn't pregnant he wouldn't have told you so most likely would have carried on the affair. And now, when you tell him you don't think it will work, he hasn't fought for you, hasn't promised you the earth, hasn't even attempted to sweet talk you! I think you need to accept that he is just too coward to tell you he checked out more than 2 years ago and wants you to be the one to end it coz he hasn't the balls to do it.

I am so sorry for what you are going through but there are better men out there than him.

Sorry my last post was before I'd finished reading the final page of the thread. My heart broke for you when I read he took her to all your special places and tried to recreate your memories with her. What an utter cunt he is. That is truly rotten of him.

I do agree with a PP who said he will do the same to OW. She is now where you were with him 2 years ago and there will be no fun in that for him.

Sorry you're still having so many hard days but it WILL get easier xx

He hasn't been trying to show/tell OP anything.
He's been twisting and squirming around in his own pit of lies and deceit with no care for anyone but himself.

OP, it's awful for you to realise this man isn't who you thought he was. You will get through this and will have a much better life without him dragging you down.

@Babdoc Thank you. I try and see him as two separate people. The H I knew so well, and this other man. It's hard though. Every time I've spoken to him he makes me feel like I still know him. I like the lyrics- I'll try and return to them.

@BarbraDear Your post is familiar to me, because they're my thoughts throughout some minutes, hours or even days. Perhaps he was trying to tell me that he didn't want to be with me. But I have to admit that I don't always think that. Why? Because there were other behaviours/words that he did/said that suggested otherwise. Just as the OW wasn't convinced that he wanted to be with her either e.g. repeatedly letting her down, not committing, not meeting her family, breaking up with her etc. I wish it was really that straightforward and simple. I sometimes come to the conclusion that he simply didn't know what he wanted. He was a confused, coward of a man, who kept stringing along both of us for his own needs @Mxyzptlk - I agree. Utter selfishness.

And yes, I've never heard so many of my friends and family using the word c#%. If everyone on Mumsnet knew half of how he'd convinced me there was nothing going on with the OW, well....there would be much more hate! @ByeMF* In time I think I'll feel sorry for the OW, if she was to take my H in. I guess only time will tell if he's going to repeat his actions.

@MrsSnootyPants2018 I'm giving myself another week or so regarding next steps. It's going to be a tough week for a number of reasons. So I'm not pushing myself yet. I appreciate your thoughts though. I do need to feel in control and as though I'm moving forward.

@GreenTulips thank you for keeping me going and listening.

to everyone. Going to do some Sudoku now. All this spare time!

When does the physical pain of seeing ex H's disappear? Doing the handover is so hard. I try and act normal, but inside I feel like I'm dying.

My DS has been asking for his Daddy a lot more. It's heartbreaking.

Just having a moment of clarity.

Our DS was 4 months old when they started texting. We were sleep deprived. He use to do the dream feed and take forever. He told me that he enjoyed sitting in the nursery. FFS!

Our DS was just under 5 months old when he first booked a hotel room for him and the OW. I was at home having a sleepless night with our DS. And he was ordering room service (I've seen the bill!). Then the following month, he sat me down and told me he was struggling. Not that he was having an affair. He told me that he couldn't cope with everything, that he felt low and confused. Not that he'd already started a physical and emotional relationship with someone else.

Then he continued to keep me invested in our marriage for two years. Keeping me at arm's length, but promising me the world. Giving me enough.....no...convincing me that I needed to keep going. That he was getting better. That it would be all worth it.

I do ok until I try and sleep. I just needed to get that out there. Thanks for listening

Words fail me for his despicable behaviour.

It is going to hurt all these realisations...

You are doing well op

Thank you, @Starlight2345 @Mxyzptlk

I didn't sleep last night. Then my DS woke at 5am. He was asking for his Daddy to pick him up from nursery. I'm at a loss for words.

I don't know how people get through this.

One day / hour / minute at a time Op - it's hard but you will get there. With each step forward you are progressing to a better future for you & your DS.

I'm officially divorced today. New chapters have already started. Hurdles are still there, but they usually feel manageable. I have hope, and that's so different to the feelings I had when I first posted this.

I want to express my gratitude to everyone who supported me through my dark time (doesn't quite sum it up! Your words kept me going. I'll forever be grateful. Thank you. People are kind.

Great (well as great as things can be in this situation) update OP and happy for you that this chapter is now closed. I found myself unexpectedly in a similar position to you a feed years ago and can remember how painful it all is. Have since survived and fled an EA relationship but that's another story

Sending you lots of strength to keep on going with everything and doing the best for your ds and helping him to adjust with having a half sibling. 💐

OP I’ve just read your thread and am crying - happy tears for you. You are such a brave woman and you deserve every happiness.

It sounds like you’re doing ok? Hope is such a wonderful thing and to have made it to this stage is just wonderful.

How is your son doing?

Well done OP your a badass! 💐🌟

Here's to the future OP!

You’re amazing. I wish you and your son a wonderful life together, hopefully you’ve given your son a decent example of consequences and unacceptable behaviours. I don’t mean to imply you aren’t allowed your own emotions, but I genuinely hope you are happier and more settled after this awful experience. I just read your thread and what stood out was your comment about this being part of your story now. I hope this is a better chapter and that you no longer feel this defines you negatively. Very best of luck, strong and brave woman 💐

I didn't see this thread originally, but I just wanted to say how amazing you are. I can't even imagine how you hung on through all this.

May his socks forever be slightly damp. Absolute goblin arse of a man.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I really do.

I hope you find happiness OP

I wish you all the best OP. What a terrible thing he has done to you.

Congratulations on divorcing this pathetic cheating lying scumbag.

Well done - having read this post i think its wonderful you came back and gave an update.
You did the right thing and every day you’ll get stronger. Wishing you lots of future happiness you absolutely deserve it. I think you’ll be quite inspirational for others. Good luck

So pleased to see your update. You rock and he crawled out from under one. X

Oh gosh, thank you!

My DS is amazing, thank you, and so much more resilient than I gave him credit for. He turns 4yrs old this week. I've learnt that it's my pain of the situation (exH/OW/half sibling), not my DS's. To my DS it's normal and he spends every Sunday with them, as they 'officially' got together in November - which was actually a relief to hear (sounds crazy, I know, but certainty brings clarity). I've worked through so many milestones, and even purposefully went to meet my DS' half sister the other day at handover. I think my exH found it more awkward than I did!

I still find discussions around pregnancy, maternity and babies difficult to engage with. It triggers too much emotion. But hopefully that will fade with time.

I feel no love for my ExH. I hate him for the situation he caused and the time I feel I missed focusing on him and not my DS.

I couldn't have got through it without my family, counselling, yoga and all the other little things that add up. I've been dating, sometimes well, sometimes not so well! I have a promotion at work.

I used to cry when I thought of myself as a single parent. And now I'm so proud. It's incredibly hard, but it's so much easier than the life I had when my DS was younger and I was supporting my exH's 'anxieties' (whatever their cause).

I still have the house to sell and the financial order to be approved by the court. I'm looking forward to a time when I am truly independent from my Exh.

Again. Thank you! It really was a process of grief. And most people 'get it'. It's just feeling heard and supported by others that kept me going.

Amazing. Keep walking, Lifeunexpected, you're an inspiration.