A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

What would you be throwing away? A cheating husband who clearly didn't bother with contraception or who thought his wedding vows were just words not promises?

Staying would show your son that men can treat their wives awfully, have children with all and sundry and it's all fine. For his sake alone, you should have thrown him out ages ago.

Unless you are happy to be in a polygamist relationship you need to separate. The ‘tug of war’ between you and the OW will destroy your mental health.

@Timeoftheseason

But won't he have to do that anyway, whether I stay or not? I know what you're saying though. I've tried to imagine him being there at the birth etc.

Well firstly, it wasn't an affair - she was his mistress. It was clearly all very emotional - all that breaking up and getting back together.

And of course he lied through his teeth to her.

I mean, he's just a career lier at this stage, isn't he? He's done it to you, and to her, literally every single day for a couple of years. That's a lot of practice. If he was an honest guy before all this, we'll he's a very experienced liar now.

My point is that all of this will have changed him for good. Brought out his ugly devious side.

And I don't know why you would want to stay with someone who is accustomed to being ugly and devious on a daily basis. No matter what flashes of your old relationship you see, he is a different man now.

And he will never ever stop playing the victim with the OW.

Dear OP... you must be living in torment... I'm so sorry to read of what you are enduring.. there can be no happy ending.. He is a sniveling coward of a man.. sat back waiting on the woman in his life deciding his path for him.. the OW will keep the baby because She knows it's the way to keeping Him.... walk away and let Him reap what He has sown.. You deserve tenfold better than this pitiful man

But you can never have what you had again. Ever.

If the two of them have been on and off for TWO years what are the chances that they won't get back together again? I'd expect that they will reconcile and you'll be cheated on or dumped. Sorry OP, he checked out a long time ago, two years of emotional and sexual affair is a very long time.

Wow. Op the pain here is too much and it come back all the time. Would you ever trust him again. Two years! Two years!

send that fucker packing.

It's our decision, but if you stay everyone will pity you at best and laugh at you at worst.

It shows you have no pride or self respect. Having a child involved means you and your family can never move on, he and this woman are tied for life.

My father had a long affair and my mum forgave him. There were no kids involved in the affair, but her forgiving him like nothing happened made me lose all respect for both of them.

*your not our

Divorce him and get your claims for child maintenance in first before the OW gets her claim in. You could lose out if he manages to keep you sweet long enough.

Go to chumplady.com she'll help you.

Also op get yourself checked for stds as if he slept with one he has slept with others

I was the child in this situation. My DM, the OW, broke off the relationship before she found out about me.

He had 2 older children, who were never told. My DM went completely NC and supported me herself from day 1. He knew about the pregnancy as did his wife.

I have never met him, he never paid maintainance, and, to be fair I am sad but do not miss what I never had. He and his wife stayed together until she died a few years ago (I am now 52yo)

BUT, one of my DC's has health issues that are potentially genetic, and I had a lot of soul searching to do a few years ago to decide if I needed to find out about his background and make contact. I chose not to, but am still that little girl who always wondered why she was the only kid at school who didn't have a Daddy. But, I do wonder, especially after seeing the relationship that my DH has with our now grown up DC's, what sort of man would abandon his child that way, after what was in fact a long term relationship with my DM (the OW).

Not one that I would want to be with if I'm honest.

Your husband misbehaved terribly but you have to decide what would be best for you and your son. Would your life be better/happier away from him? Is a good husband/father besides having a two year affair? Could you tolerate his continued involvement with his child and the other woman? Only you know him.

You might want to just wait and see what happens after the baby is born.

Many woman have stayed with their husbands in this situation. On the other side of the coin, I had a long time male friend whose wife had a baby by another man. He stayed with her for another 20 years but in the end her continued affairs became too much for him and he moved out.

Hi OP, I was you except we had been married for over 20 years. My exH had an affair for over two years and I found out from the classic text message. The OW got pregnant and they did a paternity test which showed the baby was her H's but it could just as easily have been exH's.

I tried to reconcile because we had 3 DC and I could not take in just how shitty he had been.

Over the next 18 months I found out that he had gone back to her several times behind my back and then that this was not the first time he had had an affair. The first he will admit to was when DC1 was a baby. Our whole marriage had been a sham procured by his deception.

He was never going to be the one to file for divorce so I did. All I did by trying to reconcile was hurt myself for another 18 months. I would always say just split now. The man deceived you systematically and callously for years. There is no way back from that.

I think it's right that he be involved with baby but that will be very hard for you if you stay with him. Will you always be wondering if they are at it behind your back when he goes for contact etc? I would leave.

Once he has lied to you, that's the hardest bit over with. He will find it easier and easier to continue doing so. Please don't stay with him for the sake of being a family unit. You deserve more than that. Sacrificing your life in the meantime for the sake of a child who will be a young adult in a decade or so is short changing yourself and him. Take care of yourself.

No sweetie please god no!

Yep !!! OP I agree with the PP who is normally behind working out problems and reconciling but in this instance it's a NO from me, A BIG FAT NO WITH BELLS ON.

He isn't staying for you, he's staying cos he has both of you at beck and call and conveniently neither in the same location as him so he can appear impartial by running off back to mummy and daddy's house, which btw he can have two partners, two children and still have a home cooked meal, no ties and no responsibility because he doesn't live with either.... I don't think the living with parents gesture is at all honourable.

You don't have anything solid. If you were solid he wouldn't have committed this huge act of adultery. And it's not a drunken smooch under the mistletoe it's emotional, deep, physical -how can you possibly think that's a solid base?

You need to #getducksinarow you need to leave. Your son will not grow up happier for the lies and pretending. He'll grow up happier with a confident mother who made the best out of a shitty situation and made a life for the two of you. Right now your confidence is probably at rock bottom and I'm sorry he's done this to you. Do not do the "pick me" dance you'll be demonstrating to your son that even the baddest of behaviour will be forgiven based on your history (which some has been lies)

OP it's natural to remember the good times and have a good long hard cry. You put your trust in this man and he tore it to shreds. Let it all out, talk to friends family (not him) scream shout but dust yourself off and bounce back. I'm sorry if I've come across harsh above. You WILL get through this

My mum stayed. 35 years and several more kids and several grandkids later and she's still not over it. I really wouldn't try. If it hadn't been 1982 and her only married 3 years with a baby herself she wouldn't have done.

Have you told anyone what he's done ? His reaction to you telling people will show you just how sorry he is. I suspect he'll want to keep it quiet.
Tell everyone

I suspect his on/off relationship with his mistress is currently "off"

Ish

It's just a matter of time until it's back on. Or some other OW because he has had no consequences. Roll over and take it if you must but you will be signing up for a life of misery.

Rip off the plaster now, fgs. I wonder where the fuck your self respect is, tbh.

This must be so shit! I can't imagine how I'd feel if DH did this.

Reading it, if this has gone on for 2 years, the your DH (even if he hasn't realised) os clearly emotionally invested in it.

There's also the case of can you really trust him again after that? If he goes out, will you believe where he is? Are you prepared to be sat at home while he could be at the birth with her?

There's a lot of questions to consider.

Thank you, everyone.

I'm not surprised by your comments. My friends and family have offered similar advice. I know I'm still in shock and grieving. It's hard to explain. I think I've made my decision and I get so angry at what he's done. Then I see him with our son, see how excited our son is to see Daddy, enjoy conversations with him and dare I say it....I still love him.

Yes. Everyone knows. When we were working on things, he said that if it meant we could be together then he/I would tell the world.

When I said that I couldn't manage it (when he moved out) once she was keeping the baby, he told his family. I told mine. I told mutual friends. I haven't held back.

He's embarrassed, ashamed etc. He's knows what he's lost. Apparently he won't talk to anyone about how much he misses me, because all he gets is "well it's too late now". Apparently, he's not telling anyone that he wants to be with me because he's too proud. I worry that's a bad sign!!! Perhaps trying to keep his options open.... He says not. But who knows.

It doesn't sound like there's many examples of people making it work. He's made such a mess of things.