A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

He says he wants to be with me

Chances are, he's telling her exactly the same thing

You haven’t thrown away anything. Not one thing. You haven’t done anything wrong. That twat doesn’t want a family, he wants a harem.

He wasn’t your person for 15 years. He was a coldly calculating fucker. I bet she isn’t the first. Find your anger OP and make him pay.

I guarantee there will have been affairs before the one that got pregnant that he’s not told you about.

You’d be doing your son more of a favour by leaving, not by staying.

The level of deceit involved here would be what ended it for me. Plus after two years there would have been feelings involved, discussions about the future. You haven’t done anything wrong and it is fine to consider options, but could you ever trust him again? This woman will never go away either, she will always be there in the background because of the connection they will have through their child.

As hard as leaving may seem, staying would be by far the harder choice.

But how would things actually work? Half the time with OW and their baby? Half the time with you and your DS??

Is he still having an affair or seeing her?

Where is he living now?

@RaptorInaPorkPieHat

Yes, I know. I still hold those fears too. I'm not going to lie.

I agree with most of the comments. But I have to say, that I'm certain that prior to this affair he had not cheated on me. We were good. It was the arrival of our baby that affected him and how he viewed our relationship. And I gave him the space and time to have an affair!

It will be like a death by a thousand cuts staying with him and watching him leave to spend time with the child.

This this and this again. It will really be awful. Move on now from this cheating bastard

A man that won't play second fiddle to his own infant child is simply not a worthwhile person.

*I gave him the space and time to have an affair
*
Good god op, give yourself a shake. You sound like you're shouldering some blame when decent men can be handed plenty of time and space without starting an affair.

If it wasn't for the pregnancy, you wouldn't even know about it. How many years would he have lied to you?

I cannot imagine the miserable paranoid confidence-sapping half life you'll have if you stay, or the example you'll both set for your son.

It was an on-off relationship - according to them both. He always ended it.

He's not living with me or her. He's at his parents (confirmed by his Dad). He says he's not in a relationship with her, but they are in contact. Rebuilding a friendship for the sake of the baby - according to them both. I ended our relationship a couple of weeks ago, after she said she was keeping the baby. My gut was that it wasn't manageable. Now I'm....confused again.

How old is your DC? Much easier to leave while your DS is young than during the teen years.

You are perfectly entitled to look at this from all angles, I would do exactly the same in your shoes.

However, in reality, he's likely to be on his very best behaviour at the moment & so is continuing his manipulation of you.

The middle ground is not to decide anything. You are not on a timetable here. Set your own agenda, decide when you are ready. Give yourself time to observe what happens as this plays out.

My guess, only a guess, is that he understands how much he will loose financially by splitting up from you.

By all means stay on good terms with the OW. If only as it prevents him from lying to either of you as you go through this. Think of it as a strategic alliance. I would not disclose your deepest thoughts to her though, more a case of keeping your enemy close.

In your shoes I would get a counsellor to help me think it through from all angles before even attempting to make a decision.

Slightly different situation, but this is what happened to a friend of mine.

Her H got friendly with OW, left his wife suddenly. Denied OW anything to do with it, but ended up with her. Almost exactly 12 months later, OW ended their relationship whilst pregnant as he was sleeping with his wife behind OW's back !

The wife took him back, accepted the child, and now loves the child and thinks of it as part of the family.

All of her friends think she is a bloody saint and said that there is no way that we could have done that.

Every person is different. She loves her husband, and she just wanted her family back together, even if that meant with an extra child. So far they seem happy, probably 4-5 years on now

Only YOU can know if you will be able to deal with this long term, and if you can accept the child. Personally I don't think that I could, but I know that when it is YOUR reality, it is hard.

It is very easy for people to post on here and tell you what to do, but they don't have your emotions and feelings. I swore I would never take my XH back if he had an affair, yet when he did, all I could think about was keeping the family together for the DC. Shame he didn't.

Once the baby is a little older, he will want overnight stays. If you are together, could you really welcome a child into your home in those circumstances?

@RainySeptember

I don't know if I blame myself. I certainly feel like a fool for giving him the time and space. I defended him to his family. Told them about how poor mental health affects behaviour. I feel like I gave him the out!

I don't know. I've asked myself the same question. In fact, I asked him. He said that if she wasn't pregnant, he would have continued to lie about the messages I found - because he didn't want to lose me.

@HappyFeet1212 . Thank you. I've already re: started counselling. Wise words. I'm not on a timetable.

Honestly, I am the unpopular poster urging to reconcile 90% of the time, I strongly believe in marriage and working through and overcoming tough shit.

But in this case, you should leave, there's no other way, the basic respect has gone.

The deal breaker is not him having a child, that some (although not many) people could work through. It's the attitude as well as all the other things, the length of time of the affair, everything leading up to and since that. The lack of remorse and effort. Take your son and leave him on his arse.

Think about the example you're setting your child. Do you want him to grow up thinking it's OK to cheat like his dad or be a doormat and walked all over like his mum ??
Get a backbone and get the hell out of there. His child with the ow is not your responsibility

If you stay with him think about how you're going to feel when he's dashing off to be with her while she gives birth, then to birthday parties, school plays, to see the child open their christmas presents.

This child will sometimes take priority over your child, and that's before all the child maintenance which means your own child will miss out.

How many more affairs has he had, will you ever really trust him again?

You haven't thrown your marriage away, he has.

And I gave him the space and time to have an affair!

^^
No no no no no no.

@sprinklesandsauce
Thank you. I've read a few threads on here where the wife has accepted the child. I've PM them, but they've disappeared. I just wondered if it worked for them.

I have no idea how it would work!

This happened to a friend of mine. She only stayed with him when it became clear that it was over between him and OW. I believe clear boundaries were important so nobody could misunderstand anything : set money amounts, times etc. It only became better when she trusted him again. My friend is fond of the baby now and it is crazy to think how the situation has worked out well for them.

Good luck. Listen to your inner self and trust your own judgement .

Honesty, he's not worth keeping.

If "my person" was a cheat and a liar; I'd end things and roll the dice. For your sake and all the children involved.