A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

It may help you if you don't see him for a while. It will help you distance yourself from him.
Could you ask someone else to handle handovers?

iheartmichellemallon Not just leave to see the baby at some point he will want to bring the child to their home

He will have weekends and holidays and when when people say oh god your girls are so lovey the smile will always be through gritted teeth and always living to people to spare HIS blushes or telling the truth to face the pity

This affair will never be over if there is a baby. In your place I would present an ultimatum :
Either sign away parental rights and never have contact with baby or OW again/convince her to have an abortion and never speak to her again or
Divorce.

@DairyisClosed not realistic is it

And who the hell would want to be with someone you didn’t see their child that would be just as bad as having the baby around all the time

And god forbid anything happened to the mother the child would have to live with them it would be like fences

He can still be a good dad to his Ds without been a bad husband to you.

I cannot see how this family will work.
He is a lucky man to be loved so much by you.

Good point Metoo, I didn't think about the child coming into their marital home. Oh Op, I feel so desperately sorry for you - he truly is a shit. I hope you're able to find a way through for you & your DS & find the courage to get rid of him. Good luck

My mum stayed. 35 years and several more kids and several grandkids later and she's still not over it. I really wouldn't try. If it hadn't been 1982 and her only married 3 years with a baby herself she wouldn't have done.

My mother did the same - it was 1960, so even worse. Rational me can’t blame her. Child me feels betrayed. Still.

You say he’s the man for you, OP but he’s not behaved as if you’re the woman for him. It’s so sad.

Also I fear the ops family would find it very difficult to expect the child witch would be poop for the baby and confusing for your birth child.

Once that baby is born your husband and this woman will have a bond for life. A new life together. Could you handle all that?

So if you hadn't found out, when would he have told you ?

It must be extremely hurtful to envisage them as a family- do you think part of you is trying to prevent that happening?

boris johnson’s wife? He had a long affair with petronella wyatt and she had an abortion at some point when he refused to leave his wife. They’re still together I believe although I can’t believe he’s any more faithful.

Seriously though, I’d be so angry that he’d used the excuse of you having a baby to indulge in the affair. I always hear this ‘he’s a good man’ crap and exactly how is he good? Seems like he let you down pretty fundamentally at a crucial point?

What happens if you get sick - another get out of jail card for him?

I have not read your other thread and only skipped over this one. But i kind of understand where your coming from. I was married for 12 years and my husband announced that he didn't believe in monogamy any more. He made it very clear that he would be having sex with other woman and i honestly seriously considered having an open relationship with him. We discussed it for several days none stop.

In the end i decided not to do it and a year and a bit on, we are going through a very nasty and bitter divorce. But, but i have totally and utterly never regretted my disison and tbh i have realised that the fact that i was considering it means that i didnt think much of myself . I think your trying your best to hold on to him regardless, excepting the tip bits that hes willing to give you. The fact that he had a 2 year affair and that your considering staying with him (in my mind) shows a toxic unhealthy relationship which does not start and end with the affair. Maybe your co dependent on each other? I have really struggled to disconnect from my stbxh he has treated me and my children really badly (domestic and financial abuse) but i still struggle, and im certain its because i was too emotionally attached to him.

Think long and hard, i just couldn't think of my life as a singe parent to two young children, but tbh im thriving and so are my children. Yes its not the life i thought i would have but its much better than any life i would have had with him. You deserve better

Why on earth do you want to stay with such a fucking awful, dreadful, prick?

It will hurt though, seeing him go and see the baby

Well if he gets joint custody he'll expect the baby to come to him home surely? That would then involve OP 'helping' and ultimately taking time away from OPs child?

Were you considering another baby OP?

I was terrified of leaving an abusive x. Couldnt seem to make the decision to just leave. But once you"ve acted on a decision, the second guessing yourself goes. You'd quickly feel relieved to have made a decision.

It's not something I could do personally. I'd feel like I had no self respect and to me it sends a message that they can do absolutely anything and I'll stay with them. That I don't have a dealbreaker and have given the green light to treat me like muck.

For me self respect is having the courage to stand up for yourself when you are being treated in a manner that is less than you deserve. It is about knowing your worth and having the ability to change your life and remove people from it if they are treating you poorly.

TBH I'd actually feel insulted if my DH even thought for a nano second that I would not divorce him and should accept his love child.

If you want to be a sister wife then by all means go for it, but just remember what you're signing up for.

I knew someone in this situation. She was so desperate to keep her dh she convinced herself she could even love his child eventually.
A once lovely woman ended up mentally abusing that child.
Now her bio kids have nothing to do with her because of what she did to their sibling and her dh fucked off with another ow within ten years amyway.

The pain will subside once you have been properly apart a year. But if you stay together that pain never goes away.

What if I'm throwing away the possibility of our family working? Yes, with major alterations and compromises

Stay if you want to stay. You know best how you feel.

But be prepared he is tied to this woman for life. He is going to be involved with his child, all the growing stages of child's life. When child grows up, marries etc. All of it

Can you cope?

She is his partner just as much as you are. It doesn't matter if you've been with him longer. It is what it is.

& be prepared for possibility of him leaving you anyway. He could - easily. He's made himself a brand new family.

& in the face of all this you seem to have no self-respect and be in doormat territory. It won't help you. Counselling (on your own) would be a good start to explore issues.

Again if you want to stay it's your choice. But better to stay and have your eyes wide open to the untenable and unsecure situation you are in.

You are not stupid you are very clear about what has gone on. You also know with him not telling anyone that he wants to stay with you that it's not a good sign for the future.

But there's a glimmer of hope for you, he's telling you he wants to be with you, that it'll all work out. And right now you are processing all this shit and looking for the best outcome. Of course you'll hold onto that! But perhaps time will be the only healer here for you. One day you'll say enough. You won't need his reassurance that you are lovable and worthy.

It's ok to have all these thoughts, it's a process. Understanding how and why.

But it certainly isn't your fault OP and your son will be ok either way, you and his dad will always love him irrespective of your relationship status.

So sorry OP
I understand dynamics of how a relationship changes when you bring a child into it after so long with just it being you and your DH but to echo others here and quote Fairiequeen, it really will be death by a thousand cuts once the baby arrives and he plays happy families with OW. Can you imagine how you will feel when he returns from a visit?

Please understand you're already falling into classic trap of blaming yourself for not being more attentive to his needs - absolute bollocks. He should have manned up and been there for you and your child instead of being so needy he had to look for validation elsewhere. Can you live your life without trust for the foreseeable future?

The posts that really hurt are the ones suggesting I have no self-respect. Yes, my self esteem is low. Yes, I feel unloved, disrespected, unattractive, rejected and just plain awful. I'm in pain. It's like people are embarrassed for me - I'm not begging for him to come back.

These things might recover - I'd bet would recover - if you weren't settling for this. And I'd guess that if they weren't low already, you wouldn't be dreaming of settling for this.

But it's your life; and therefore your call. My concern from what you've said is that he seemed to have no intention to tell you; so he'd have had a child by another woman and you wouldn't have known.

And he still won't tell people that he wants to be with you... if you don't take him back; he'll happily float along with everyone thinking he chose to leave. I don't believe that he's genuinely doing everything he can to stay with you. He's just paying you lip service to see if he can have his cake and eat it; to keep that familiarity. To get away with two years of lies and deceit and then bring the resulting children home for you to help look after...

Whatever you choose; do it with your eyes open. Don't be someone who stays and is in pain or regrets it every day for the rest of their lives. That is a waste of a life.

There's also the OW to consider. I haven't read your other thread, but one has to assume she is emotionally invested as well? Do you know her at all? Two years is a significant enough time for real attachment to have to developed.

My concern is that would she respect the boundaries? Would she invite him in during hand overs? Continue to give of signals of sexual availability? She has been accepting less than a committed relationship, so why should she have strong boundaries?

Having a child with someone creates a tie, a bond. It never goes away. Would she capitalise on this, or would she be trying to undermine and exploit weaknesses in your relationship over time?

Maybe, maybe not?

If you left him tomorrow, do you think he'd stay single? Or is there the possibility he would turn to her as a default option and try to make it work, like a lot of men who have affairs do (sorry if none of this is revelvant as I haven't read all the details).