A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

He sounds like a twat. I’m sorry - staying in this mess would be foolish and embarrassing for you. Don’t let him drag you down. Take care of yourself.

Oh, and everyone at work knows that he lied to them for 2 years too.

The only people that don't know the whole truth, is her parents. He had to meet them recently as the OW told them about her pregnancy. They know that they've had an on-off relationship, but not that he was married and the enormous lies he told to live two lives. I guess she's looking to make him seem ok to them!

Did he choose to tell you about the affair and the pregnancy? Or was he forced to? Or did someone else tell you?

I'd be embarrassed if I cheated in front of my work colleagues for example with a drunken fling.

Do you really believe he's embarrassed or ashamed when he's done it for two years, let's say that again shall we TWO YEARS.

I'm sorry OP he's telling you what you want to hear and as a professional liar, he knows how

He still can't ditch the pride in the face of losing it all eh?

Says it all.

Did you catch him out or did he fess up? If you caught him out, the situation would still be going on and you'd be none the wiser I guarantee. If he told you without you having any idea then there may be a chance.

I stayed with my DH after an affair, albeit there were no additional children involved. I understand how you're feeling just now. You are clinging onto hope, because the horror and unfairness of your whole life unraveling, through no fault of your own, is just terrifying. I get it, I really do. These moments you describe as seeing an alternative future with him aren't representative of how your life will really be like though. Choosing to stay after an affair is a life sentence. It has destroyed my mental health, and my confidence and self esteem have been decimated. Yes, he will still probably attend the birth etc whether you're together or not, but for you, it will be like reopening the wound every time. You will never be able to move on, because it will never go away. Please be brave. A different, but better future is out there for you.

They will be back on again once the dust has settled given they will be seeing a fair chunk of each other while the baby is tiny.

She’s having his baby! He shagged her for 2 years! What are you doing? Seriously? You can’t trust this man. He’s a cheat and a liar and about to become a father!! How are you going to feel when he’s round there with her in those intense first newborn months playing happy families with her. Nope. Nope. All the nopes. Get rid of this drain. He’s ruined your life and about to ruin it even more! At least have some self respect to tell him to sling his hook!

The most worrying comment in this thread is .... I allowed him time and space to have an affair. He made the decision to have an affair . Will you ever be able to allow him to go anywhere without wondering .

The big thing for me though is he lies for 2 years . That is a lot of lies and even then he has said if she wasn’t pregnant would continue to lie. How will you ever trust him.

Nothing can ever be as it was.

Ask yourself: do you really love the reality of him, including his lies and deceit, or do you love your own idealised version of him, of what it could be?

Darling, you have one precious life. You will never ever feel good enough again with this man. You are worth so much more - the very fact you are considering accepting this shows how simply wonderful you are. Channel that wonderful energy into believing you are worth more, and building a new life for yourself and your little boy.

This will only end with you more hurt than you already are and with more hurt for your son. I’m sorry OP but this relationship can’t continue while he’s having a baby with someone else

Don’t let him stay. I know how you are feeling. A family and a 20+ year relationship shattered by two very selfish and cruel people.
I loved him, I still loved him after I knew. I nearly, so nearly let him stay until I realised he would almost certainly hurt our family again and again. I wouldn’t do that to my children.
I don’t love him now. Only in a ‘father of my children’ way. I don’t make excuses for him now. He prioritises that woman and child way above our children. The good thing for you is your son is young. Mine are teens and understand exactly what they have done.
I’m over a year on and it still bloody hurts, what he did to us. I hate him for hurting my children. I hate her for knowingly hurting my children. We couldn’t be a blended family after that kind of hurt.
Walk away, enjoy your child. Find someone better. Someone who respects you.
I wish you so much happiness moving forward.

Oh what a mess! I've not got any experience in a situation like this but how are you going to cope when he's off seeing the baby instead of being at home with you and your dc, you are never going to be that same family ever again, you can't be because there's an extra family always going to be on the sideline.

I'm so sorry this has happened, no one should ever have to go through something like this but you and your son deserve so much more than this. Don't let your little boy grow up to ask you the question "why are you still with him" because as an adult he won't be thankful you stayed for your family he'll just think you wasted your own life with a man who doesn't deserve his family.

Thank you, again.

No, he didn't tell me. I found some messages and he told me everything, including the pregnancy. Unlike other things over the past two years -which he covered up.

Those that have been in a similar (ish) position seem to understand my dilemma. I wish it was as easy as - he's been a shit just move on. It's a process. I'm still attached to him despite his behaviour. We've been together for 17 years, since we were teenagers.

The more graphic and blunt posts don't shock me into a realisation. I know he was having an affair for 2 years and he was having sex with her. That he enjoyed her company, that he love(d) her etc. It doesn't seem to help me come to a finality in my head I'm afraid. Although I appreciate that you're thinking what on earth is she considering?!

The posts that really hurt are the ones suggesting I have no self-respect. Yes, my self esteem is low. Yes, I feel unloved, disrespected, unattractive, rejected and just plain awful. I'm in pain. It's like people are embarrassed for me - I'm not begging for him to come back.

My son will still have to find out that his father had a relationship with an OW and he has a half sibling living in another town. Irrelevant of whether I stay with my H or not. My decision doesn't shield my son. Although, I will of course, hide the details of the deceit and keep it age appropriate. As much as I hate what my H has done, my intention is ensure that my son continues to have a happy relationship with him (that's all I was trying to do for the last two years).

You are seriously considering taking your husband back. How would that protect your son ?

It definitely isn’t easy to just move on. Those feelings don’t just disappear. When you are with someone for so long, someone you thought you could trust, someone you love, you can’t just switch all emotion off.
I don’t think it’s easy at all to explain the utter confusion your head is in right now. Even a year on I still don’t understand how this all could have happened, how he could do this to us. It really messes up your head doesn’t it.
I hate myself for hating him. At the start I thought we would be friends, he was one of my best friends, but right now we can’t be (mainly because of his absolute lack of understanding why our children might possibly be struggling still) I hate him and I miss him. How screwed up is that? I have to stop now, this is making me so sad.

It will be like a death by a thousand cuts staying with him and watching him leave to spend time with the child.

This this and this again. It will really be awful. Move on now from this cheating bastard.
*
I couldn't agree more with the pp who stated the above - get out while you & your DS are still young.*

This is so early on for you. You must be in terrible shock.
What helped me was imagining my life with him (and her in it with a baby) and imagining it without him in it (that was hard) Him in it was winning for a long time until the fog cleared a little and I realised I didn’t want that life.
I found it so hard with friends telling me I should kick him out, I couldn’t be with him etc. It was my life, not theirs. I finally stopped thinking about what others thought was best for me and my children and figured it out myself.

It will hurt though, seeing him go and see the baby. The baby being born. Him seeing OW constantly. You will never trust him.

I worked with someone in this situation! It was several years down the line and dust settled - they had a few kids and were seemingly happy and had his kid come to stay very regularly. She was pretty open about it. I found it pretty shocking when I heard but as I say they seemed happy. In response to your point OP I don’t think I did feel sorry for her or like she had no self respect. I had to think about it there but no I didn’t.,She was very smart and quite senior, she was kind warm and engaging and I thought well if she’s made that decision it’ll be considered and right for her. I’d find it incredibly difficult and as close to impossible as I can imagine personally but I understand the desire to keep family together. My parents were unhappily married but when they divorced it was even unhappier life for us. It may well be different for you. You sound like a lovely and loving mum - sorry this has happened

I'm sorry, @MeToo1234 that you've been through it. The pain is unbearable. And the confusion makes my head spin. I would love to turn a switch and turn my love off.

Thank you, @Thissameearth. So, somewhere out there, someone has made it work. I guess we'll never know how hard it was for them.

I still see him as a good man who has done a REALLY cruel thing. Perhaps that will change in time.

Now, where's that time machine?!

Be prepared for everyone
A-knowing
B-feeling sorry for you
C-talking about your family
D- and the child living with you one day

A friend of a friend did this stayed however their are pretty much always on the verge or braking up and she can’t escape the fair example

I was invited to her 35th birthday as a plus one new she had a daughter didn’t know about the set up and said oh my word your son is so cute he looks just like

Just polite chit chat she then had to say he’s not my son (little lad is 3 years young than his sister and they have been together for 6 years)
The husbands standing their very awkward and their is tension later I see them arguing in the hall he’s saying why are you telling everyone she say I am not but he’s not my bloody son

And their enlies
Most people can take an affair but it everyone finds out of a baby as a result because it’s the everyone knowing and the on going shame and embarrassment

You will be seen as weak and just a figure to feel sorry for
At school
When you being said child to family functions it’s just so messy

Right now put yourself and your son first, take it day by day. I hope your ok.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, I think you're still in shock, I don't think you've realised what the fuck he's actually done. I know it's hard to let go of someone you've spent 17 years with, but you need time to think about this and take in what's he's done.

Do you really want to be with a man who's been lying to you for 2 years and slept with another woman? And she will be in his life forever, because she's got a baby on the way. So you really need to step back and take some time to think about it.