A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

Picture your son all grown up. Imagine his partner had a 2 year affair and got pregnant.

Would you be telling him he was being sensible in trying to still hold on to that relationship? Is that what you’d want for him?

I cannot believe a man that is supposed to love you has put you in this predicament. It is a horrendous pace to be. Please leave him, you deserve to be treated better than this.

Part of lowers self-esteem is believing we have no power to direct our own life OP. Therefore, making the decision to end this draws on self-efficacy which is a big part of self-esteem. It would immediately make you feel better about your SELF. Even if you have a lot of practical adjustments to make you will feel better about being YOU>

Not taking a stand, not have a line in the sand, having such a low bar that you do not walk away at this point that will destroy you.

That should read ''Part of what lowers self-esteem is believing we have no power to direct our own life"

He said that if she wasn't pregnant, he would have continued to lie about the messages I found - because he didn't want to lose me.

He has told you that without the baby, he would have carried on with the affair, carried on gaslighting you, carried on lying.

Can you not see that if you continue with your relationship, he will go back to his previous behaviour? You're basically telling him that, no matter how badly he treats you, you will still be there, hoping for crumbs of his affection.

I can promise you that if you were to start divorce proceedings, your self-esteem would rapidly grow.

A baby changed everything. Honestly it would be a constant reminder. Helping buy birthday and Christmas presents, spending time with it. I couldn’t do it I would hate everything the child stood for I would not be about to see it/hear about it etc it would have to be a no contact or divorce situation where even then I still wouldn’t ever want to hear about it see the child even after a divorce.

I know. What a mess he's created. He's thrown so much away. It feels so unfair that the consequences are so great for my son and I. It's not what I had planned.

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your take on the situation.

wow a two year relationship (because that's what it was) and you want to try and work things out? You are never going to trust this man and everytime he sees his child it's going to be a kick in the guts for you. Don't do that to yourself

Hes created this, he's done this to his son, he's broke your family up. NOT YOU. Stop blaming yourself and get angry. You should be taking him to the cleaners for this, what an absolute shit.

Has you DH said anything about how he wants to go on? Does he want to be involved with that child?

My dad did something similar before I was born. My mum stayed for years but it was never going to work. He continued to cheat on partners and still does. It wasn't good for us as children.
I suggest you think about the impact on your child and the example you are setting by staying. By staying you are setting your child up for growing up in a difficult household and parents that in the end can barely be civil. Trust me I know.

But for 15 years he was my person. What if I'm throwing away the possibility of our family working

your want my cake and eat it selfish bastard of a DH is the one that threw the family away. When he flits off to spend time with the child you will be wondering what he and OW are doing, if they are sleeping together, thats no life to have

But for 15 years he was my person Do you REALLY hand on heart believe that Op?

So you think this minor aberration 2 years shagging elsewhere was a one off?

Here's a thought for anyone contemplating a situation like Op's. I know a few guys who have had affairs and they have all had sex with their DW and OW on the same day. It's some sort of ego thing.

'He said that if she wasn't pregnant, he would have continued to lie about the messages I found - because he didn't want to lose me. '

He will never stop lying to you if you stay with him because he is a selfish wanker who will always put himself first.

The only thing you're throwing away is the chance to have a loving relationship with someone who isn't a cheat.

OP I'm going to try to be gentle here as I think you need a sympathetic ear rather than cruel comments.
Please for the sake of your self esteem and to protect yourself against any further pain caused by this man you should do the right thing and file for divorce. This man is a cheating gaslighting piece of shit who has trodden over you, repeatedly cheated on you and now expects you to tolerate his continued relationship with his mistress and expects you to tolerate him cementing their relationship by having a baby together.
I cannot see how you haven't already kicked him out and divorced him.
The bastard has freely admitted he would have continued lying to you and cheating on you had he not been forced to admit it. There is literally nothing positive at all I can see about this man. His mistress probably wasn't the first and won't be the last.
Please think about the example you are setting to your son by allowing this piece of filth to continue walking all over you. Take back your dignity and your pride and your self respect by saying enough is enough and put an end to your marriage and don't do the pick me dance. Don't degrade yourself any further by continuing to put up with being treated like this. You are worth so much more than this.

This happened to my best friend except she was the OW. He had an 18 month old and a 3 year old with his wife. He said he was staying with his wife but never stopped seeing m6 friend - supposedly because she was pregnant. He left his wife just before the baby was born, got divorced, married my friend, had 2 more children and did exactly the same to her.
I remember her words to me about him 'I truly believe he is the best man I have ever met and he has just found himself in a mess' said just before he left his first wife for her.
Now she sees him for what he is but it has been at a huge cost- emotionally and financially.

Have you posted on step-parenting? The posts on there are generally about children from previous relationships which is probably emotionally easier to deal with than children from relationships after your child was born. They will tell you how thankless a task it is- lots of drudgery and sucking it up and no influence at all,

Have you discussed with him how the future practicalities will pan out? He will be spending lots of time talking to OW (and possibly visiting her home) and major events like Christmas will never be the same again.

It sounds like you're going through the "hysterical bonding" after cheating where you are trying desperately to look for positives and a way forward whereby you don't 'lose him'

Feel what you need to feel and then put yourself first! Stop concentrating on this fool, his OW and their baby. This needs to be about you and your son, what right do those people have to any of your consideration.

Fuck them.

Please stop worrying about him and focus on you and your son, you have to be the one to do that because he hasn't shown neither of you one iota of consideration whilst he has been doing what he's been doing for two long years.

It's heartbreaking, he has destroyed your world as you knew it, you still love him but the relationship you had is over now and it will never be able to go back to how it was. My heart goes out to you and i just wish there was something i could say to encourage you, something that wouldn't be me echoing what everybody else has said.

In your heart of hearts you know what you have to do you just aren't ready to admit that to yourself yet and that's okay, healing is a process and its no wonder you're feeling so conflicted this early on.

I imagine (and hope) that once some time has passed you regain clarity and realise that this selfish bastard of a manchild isn't worth the time and effort you're potentially prepared to invest into making it work.

Look how compassionate, sweet and forgiving you are to even CONSIDER accepting the baby he's having with the OW. He doesn't deserve somebody like you but you know that already.

Big hugs xx

I would be very careful Op.

Men abandon the children of their affairs/ one night stands/ wives and girlfriends all the time. Many more have no contact but maybe contribute financially. I would be very suspicious of his motivations.

Choosing to be involved indicates he is either
a) keen to do the right thing - odd as he's lied and cheated for two years
b) he's not prepared to cut ties with her.

Breath, feel destraught, utterly depressed and then move on. Is easy to stay, to justify it to yourself but it's no way to live. Good luck op.
Hopefully you'll back on here in a few years telling us about the lovely bloke you've just met that made you realise what a knob exh was.

I’ve been in your situation minus the child and I could have written something like your post. Now, a few years on, I can see the that I was clutching at straws as I didn’t want to face the harsh reality. Your emotions may come in little stages as it feels too much all at once. I would strongly advise you to get some distance from him and some counselling so you can begin to explore your feelings.

It’s your life so you can do what you want with it. Please give yourself some time and care rather than trying to fix it all immediately.

For what it’s worth, I decided to leave my ex after about 6 months and it took another 6 to kick start the process. I feel like a new woman and we are friends.

Be gentle with yourself.

I haven’t read the whole thread but from what I have read, I can see how much you are looking for reassurance, messaging other women who have stayed with their partners to asked how they managed to do it and save their marriage.
You can message a million woman, and listen to their “success” stories, but this comes down to you and you alone.
He is obviously heavily invested in ow to continue an affair for two years, what makes you think he can just turn his feelings off for her now? Especially when she is going to have his child? He wants the both of you at his beck and call. Think of yourself, think of your son.

We can all give you advice, we can all tell you that you need to ltb but it doesn’t matter because you know what you are going to do anyway. But really, really sit down and think of it. Every time he leaves to go and see this new baby and the woman he’s gave a piece of him too for two years, it will never get easier. It will tear you into shreds every single time. Again, think of your son and think of your mental health. You are better than sharing a man who really doesn’t want to be there in the first place, or he wouldn’t have betrayed you every day for two years.

This would utterly kill me. I can’t actually imagine the shock. I actually believe you’re asking the question because you’re in shock and because DH and your family is your life you’re clinging on for dear life.

I couldn’t even contemplate ever ever being able to look at my DH again, preparing for a baby together is such an intimate and magical thing, and when baby arrives it’ll be a living reminder of his destructive betrayal.

What a real shame for you, the baby and in a way (weirdly) the OW. All of you have been dicked over by one man.

Thank you again, everyone.

It does feel like it's killing me. I know I'm clinging on. Desperately hoping for an alternative future that could work for us.

I made the decision a few weeks ago to separate from him and he moved out- after he begged and pleaded. Although I'm sure that's not what he told the OW. If she knew the things that he'd said about her and their relationship. Equally, I'm not naive enough to think that he's not criticised me and our marriage to keep the door open with her.

My recent post and dilemma came after I spent a few and very emotive days with him following a family bereavement. It turned everything on it's head again.

Like everyone is saying, he had/has a relationship with her. There must be 'love' there. Despite him telling me otherwise. There's a reason why it carried on for as long as it did and why he went to such extreme lengths to continue seeing her. It wasn't just so he wouldn't lose me. It was so he could keep her. And, the amount of contact they're having isn't justifiable if he's purely 'being there for the baby'.

It's helped that I haven't seen him since Sunday now. I think I'm moving in the right direction again. I just didn't want this for our family. My son has already lived between two houses because of by DH's apparent anxieties and now he'll have even more disruptions. And he's only 2.

To those who comment upon my H's previous infidelities. Yes. I truly believe that he didn't cheat on me before he met her. Many people would like to think our relationship was doomed and he oppressed me. That's not true. He was not this man before. It's been the perfect storm for him. And he's well and truly screwed up something that was good, all because he wasn't the centre of the world once my son arrived.

It's helped that I haven't seen him since Sunday now. I think I'm moving in the right direction again.

Would it help you to go NC for a while? It might help to give you some headspace, instead of the continual too-ing and fro-ing. Could parents/family step in to be a third party/enable him to still see your DS without you having to see him?

he wasn't the centre of the world once my son arrived

And there we have it. He's not a good man. He's a selfish little shit who couldn't take not being the centre of everything. Sorry you are going through this OP, but you really do deserve better than this. What if you stayed together and had another child - and he does it again?