Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

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Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

Good luck starlight

Thanks Alfie & Tinkering, and the same to you both.

Hi, do you mind if I jump on?
Found out “d”h was messaging women online for sex on Wednesday. As the week has gone on the breadcrumbs have been appearing and true to script he’s only been telling me the little he thinks I know and lying outright if he thought I didn’t have proof.
Stupidly, despite being on MN for donkeys years, I confronted him when I only had part of the evidence - not everything.
I’ve taken screenshots of everything along the way.
He said he’s depressed and on Friday threatened to kill himself.
I’ve told him that we are over, but that we can wait until after Xmas to tell the kids. If he makes improvements in the meantime and if I think I can get passed it then we can have a chat about reconciliation at some point in the future but that there are no guarantees. Right now though we are done. As far as I’m concerned we are just married on paper.

I’ve not really slept since Monday when I had my suspicions first and I’ve barely eaten since Wednesday. I’m struggling to function so I’ve made an appointment with the dr for this afternoon. I’m also emailing the Samaritans.

What do I do now? I’m obsessively checking his phone and computer to the point that I learned some advanced computer skills in order to retrieve the deleted data. I’m cracking up and I need to get to a point where I can function for my babies.

I just looked at my phone and couldn’t work out if it was his or mine. They don’t look alike.

What’s next?

Thanks Tinkering, I really appreciate your advice. Went to see my GP this evening and he said pretty much the same. We had a chat about the relationship and he gently suggested that it may be a good idea for me to speak to a domestic abuse counsellor long term.
I’m not eating or sleeping at the moment and so I have some sleeping pills to help me get through the next few days.
Ultimately I would like to save the relationship but I have no idea how to get back from this. He’s definitely emotionally manipulating me at the moment, but I’m not letting him get away with that. He told his parents he had had a breakdown and was getting lots of sympathy from them so I told him to tell them why he had been threatening suicide.
You’re spot on, he put himself in this position - he can lie in the bed he made.
(As you can probably tell, I’m in the angry stage this evening!)

Absolute Hi sorry you needed to joined our little band.
The affair I have to deal with was 8years ago so there wasn’t any evidence to find- except the vibrator he brought her! Her husband gave me that little gem!

I don’t know how I would have felt dealing with it had I caught them at the time. Even so I went nuts trying to dig up stuff. In the end the realisation comes that the details don’t matter, the betrayal is still the same.

I’m not 11 months post DDay and have just discovered my brother is a cheating rat too. That brought the shakes back I can tell you, I don’t even like his Wife and would have thrown a party if they’d have split years ago. Now I can’t look at him and the OW will never be welcome here.
I still have waves of sadness that take my breath away and want to cry at random points but the pain isn’t as sharp.
My H is trying so damn hard, he held his hands up and has answered every question, given me access to everything g and is so attentive. I’m still waiting for the bubble to burst

Eat, sleep and look after yourself.
Survivinginfidelity has some great info in their healing library.

Sorry you have had to join us Absolute. This is the worst time, the initial discovery is so raw and painful some days and totally numbing others. You WILL get through this. You will find strength and grace you never knew you had and when the storm passes you will be able to hold your head high.

As for your relationship, you don't need to decide now but if you know then you know. You may need to learn to trust your own instincts again. Read/watch Esther Perel to understand more, if understanding helps you, and as someone suggested Surviving Infidelity is great. Also a YT channel called Affair Recovery if you were interested in reconciliation.

I can promise that you will get better at dealing with it all and some days will be easier, but 15 months on I do still have triggers and we are only now in a place where we can work on the issues within the relationship. So I wish you the best of luck, kindness to yourself and as much love in your life as you can find in children and family. You have the strength you need xx

Sorry @Screaminginsidemeagain it must be so tough and bring everything back. I too know people are cheating and I just can't look at them the same way. One of them is someone I am very close to and I think I almost have to ignore it, not that I condone it, but it's like I have to pretend they aren't and if I think
About it too much I get upset and disapppinted. Hugs to you xx

Thanks @ppandj
I’m so angry with my brother- I think there is some transference there.
I’m angry he subjected us to years of his vile wife spoiling family events with her rudeness when he was ‘escaping’ by having affair after affair.
I’ve looked his new woman up on Facebook and she is so tacky, all the expected OW bullshit about love finding a way etc.

How are things with your brother screaming? Hope you are ok absolute