Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

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Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

Screaming, I know just what you mean about your senses tingling when timelines don't add up. My counsellor asked if I could live with feeling that I'd never know everything; that he hadn't opened up truthfully and probably never will. That's where I am now. I told H at the weekend that yes, whilst I still loved him, I didn't think I'd ever love him so wholly, with every sinew, as I did before. He actually cried and was really upset, but I don't think I'll ever love like that again.

No, this thread helps me to keep my sanity. Many of the online web resources are about flowery/gingham housewives lurving hubby, forgiving his hubbiness misdemeanors and living happily ever after in a rosy forgiveness bubble, usually accompanied by God. Here, if I need to call him a tw@t i can, safe in the knowledge that the other vipers in the Mumsnet nest will understand and give me sound advice. So no, I won't be ditching my 1 and only lifeline any time soon.

Back off polly. You don’t get to come on this thread and tell other people to leave. We get support and understanding here. I’ve just said how alone I am IRL and you think it’s appropriate to tell me to cut myself off from others who understand.

I wasn’t telling people to leave. I was suggesting it might be time for different support.

I think separate threads along the line of 'I stayed after my husband had an affair and Im absolutely miserable' would be better for each of you. I think what I said is very clear. Your situations have moved on from when this thread started and perhaps a new thread for each of you would be of more help individually. It would be like the next chapter in a book, or the next episode in a series.

You don’t get to come on this thread and tell other people to leave. Im wondering if your ref to me telling people to leave goes back to something I said to Francis when she said something along the lines of 'I wish someone to tell me what to do' and I said, ok I'll tell you - leave him. I said the same thing to a friend once and she gave me exactly the same reply and whilst it didn't make me get up and go there and then it gave me food for thought immediately after she said it. It was something I remembered as my immediate reaction and something I was able to give thought to - so for example it made me realise that one of my reasons for not leaving was actually a poor excuse for not leaving. I hope this clarifies but even so I wont come back to the thread and I wish every one of you the strength to face the road ahead whether that means making new/different lives for yourselves and your children, or just putting your head down and getting on with the one you've chosen regardless of how it actually makes you feel.

PollyFlinderz you have made me question why I'm staying. I've started asking myself some tough questions.

There's another thread,
End of the affair, heartbroken, any advice.
It's all the OW not judging each other and justifying their behaviour.
It's horrible, they don t have a clue or care about the devastation they're causing, they just don't care.

I really struggle with the bashing innocent parties get in MN.
OW seem to be a protected species, you aren’t allowed to have any feelings about them, it has to be all in the cheating partner!

People jumping to the defense of OW makes my blood boil too! All that ‘she didn’t owe you anything’ crap. How about having some basic human decency, and treating people how you would like to be treated yourself? Fingers crossed that karma will get them all in the end.

yay, so much for sisterhood. I get very annoyed at those having a go at an OP when she has dared to 'snoop' around a bit. Can I just say its a rare one of us who snoops when there is no cause at all, most of us know something is a bit 'off' when we do so or they have been up to no good in the past. . How else are we expected to get to the bottom of it? its a rare guy who says 'by the way love, I am sexting 2 women, arranging a hook up and look at gay porn every day etc'. Personally if I am expected to be contributing to household finance, totally monogamous, plus cleaning up after someone else as well and doing all washing/ironing and be interested sexually, I feel pretty entitled to know my H isn't up to a load of crap on the side. If he wanted to snoop on me the most he would find is far too much mumsnetting, checking out Joe Browns Autumn collection , business stuff and whatsapps about meet ups with other friends (female)--some very naïve people on here, if it happened to them , they would find it very very difficult to not be keeping tabs. Its very easy to say 'if no trust, then just leave' there can quite often be some mistrust but a lot of affection/love still and that isn't quite so easy to just throw away.

That was spot on yet more totally agree
In my case the ow knew me was friends with my dd and knew it was upsetting me the way he was going about this friendship and the level of contact and still carried on texting him and also me to call me mental so of course I can’t stand her. And of course the way he lied about things that were innocent but he still lied is going to make me suspicious

Yes I had the lying about stuff he had no need to lie about too Alfie and I’m afraid it does make you hyper vigilant and not some kind of lunatic. I told the counsellor I felt I would be judged as a nutter for being vigilant And she said if snooping is the price they have to pay for being a twat, then so be it.

How's everyone getting on?
I suppose I'm inching towards acceptance, I still feel a gnawing anger just typing those words though.
His OW has moved in with bloke no 3
I really don't know what they see in her, just a Lurpack I guess.
I'm feeling flat and kind of, "is this it," now.
I want to go off and experience things on my own and feel a bit hemmed in now.
He's on a residential training course for 3 weeks before Xmas, that'll be an unsettled time. Rather than wondering what/who he's up to, I need to be unavailable myself when he phones...

Doing ok I guess in the grand scheme of things. I just want the divorce/finances/childrens access sorted out asap and I dont think it will be that easy. Feel relieved to be out of relationship however hard it is at moment I know in the long run my life will be better and the children are doing great and are so much happier. However my stbxh is making everything as difficult as possible I just dont understand it as it's been him whose been having an affair for 4 years. On the plus side I have found it so easy to detach from him emotionally due to the way he continues to behave. I now wonder what I ever saw in him. Hope you are all doing ok.

2018 glad you and your dc are doing ok sorry your stbxh is being a pain though hope that settles and you can split amicably for your dc sake

Frances you don’t have to be in acceptance mode you don’t have to accept this life if It makes u unhappy

Hope everyone else is also ok x

Fucker T fuck fuck ladies.
My brother has just admitted to my mum he is having an affair!!!

We’ve spent 2 days worrying about him after my SIL spoke to mum to say he needed to talk to her. We were run. Assorts of sinarios and it’s this

So sorry streaming hope you and your family are ok

He’s coming down for the weekend. He plans to tell us then I think.
My poor mum.
So just to recap;
My husband had an affair with my ‘bestfriend’
My BIL cheated on my sister and now my brother has been having a LTA and is thinking of leaving his wife.
All men a fucking bastards!
My poor SIL. They have been together since I was a baby, she is a difficult person and she had been getting worse. How much of that is because of the way DB has been with her? I worship my brother and this should feel more devastating but I’m just numb to everything now.
Tonight I have the uncertainty of whether I’ll have to see the My XBF and then deal with my brothers confession.

I don’t need this shit! I’m sitting here looking at an infilled prescription for antidepressants thinking fuck it let’s go for these before I completely break!

I thought i was fine but got a few trigger points bugging me. We have been doing ok for ages no reason to think they are in contact. He told me ages ago they weren’t in contact as it wasn’t worth the hassle yes I think she cut contact not him as he could of and should of realised this 2 years ago but anyway

My triggers he has started dog walking again for the owner of our previous yard great extra money he enjoys it we used to do it together but on the days I was at work he met her he is still walking in the same area

We have upgraded his phone from android to iPhone obviously in my case his phone has been a major issue he hasn’t a clue how to use it but I wonder how long it takes him to hide messages from showing on his home screen. Despite us getting on and him not being in contact with her he never reverted back to what i class as normal phone settings WhatsApp showing when online messages flashing up on the home screen

Will wait and see but it just goes to show no matter how good things are once trust is broken u never truly move on.

I hope everyone is doing well?

Me and H have decided to separate so I will be signing off from this thread. I’ve tried for a year but I just don’t feel the same way about him and our marriage. The truth is that I was really unhappy with him even before I knew about the affair, due to his selfish behaviour over a number of years, but it wasn’t bad enough to leave. If we had gotten therapy and counselling back then I honestly think we could have saved things (I used to worship the ground he walked on) but him having an affair was the final kick in the teeth.

He still wants to make it work but I just can’t do this anymore. I would rather split and face everything that comes with that than stay in what would be a sham marriage.

I’m scared about the future and the thought of having to spend time apart from my kids is painful, but I also feel relief and I know that in my heart it’s the right decision for me.

I think if the circumstances were different I could forgive him and move on but past grievances and his conduct during the affair are too much for me to get past.

Good luck to everyone else and make sure you do what is right for you xx

Good Luck Sparkle.
Hold your head high, you gave it your best shot. He broke the family not you!

Thanks Screaming. It’s good to hear that as H and his family make me feel like the bad guy!

Best of luck to you with everything too.