Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

[WhatAreYouLookingAt]

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

Twisted it’s complicated it’s not and never been a physical affair some call it an emotional affair he insists they are just friends. But so much shit has gone on the level of contact stalking her on Facebook deleting only her messages he’s put her feelings before mine and dd running to her every time we have a row slagging me off shit stirring to her he’s even lied to her saying I had said stuff I hadn’t so obviously I don’t want them to be in contact so he just tries to hide it and when found out lies to me

I think he’s having a midlife crisis he’s started protein shakes and using grey reducing shampoo. It didn’t need to be like this we could of all been friends she was at the same stables as us but has now had to put her horse up on full loan as I wasn’t prepared to help her bring in or turn out and neither was dd
I don’t particularly blame her as it’s dh being a knob I think he enjoyed having her Stroke his ego and us hating each other She probably doesn’t even know he deletes everything and lies to me

🦆 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

180

Very difficult to throw away 18 year marriage when it’s just WhatsApp messages and what I saw was mainly chit chat although why she felt the need to send pictures of herself every time she went on a night out when at the time they were friends on Facebook and she also posted on there I will never know lol it’s all just mental but it’s his lying that is awful but he says he has to or I will go mad at him. But when he doesn’t act suspiciously we are actually getting on really well spending more time together etc we were stuck in a bit of a rut before

Alfie, I'm sorry if this comes across as blunt but I think you need to hear this.

Stop minimising what he's doing. He's minimising what he's doing, that's what cheaters do!!!

It's not a case of some would say it's an emotional affair, it IS the very definition of an emotional affair:
1)He runs you down to another woman
2)He keeps the exchanges in the relationship secret
3) He meets with her in secret
4) He refuses to accept that the relationship is damaging his marriage

My guess is that the only reason it's not a physical affair is that the OW isn't that interested, she just enjoys the ego stroking and attention from your husband who she has dancing on the end of her string.

She is a Jolene in that if she expressed an interest, he would jump right into the sack with her.

If I could go back in time and catch my husband during the time it was just an emotional affair, I would react the same way as I did with the physical affair. He would be out the door to live his fantasy life with his whore which crumbled within 48 hours.

You're luckier than most of us here, you have the opportunity to stop this before it escalates. You decide, not him.

The rest of us are here because our cheating spouses have cut contact with their affair partners and are trying to make amends. Your spouse is in the midst of an affair so there is no saving your marriage until you admit that to yourself. He needs to experience what he's going to lose if he proceeds on this path.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh and I hope you take care of yourself.

Alfie, I'm sorry if this comes across as blunt but I think you need to hear this

People here have tried to help Alfie from the day she started posting about this situation a long time ago and nothing ever changes. Its the same posts over and over and over again. Both from her and the people who take the time to reply - until the latter see there's no helping her and they stop replying.

Alfie is stuck in a mindset. This is who she is and I don't mean that in a derogatory sense at all. The husband has had control of Alfie's mind since she was very young, about 17 if I recall correctly, and I think from what has been said there was disfunction in her family long before she met him. . She went from one emotionally unhealthy situation to another. She really doesn't know anything different. I do remember though that her mum warned her about marrying this bloke but the warning fell on deaf ears.

Anyway its all bye the bye. This will go on and on and on and on unless Alfie gets the counselling she needs as a person in her own right.

Alfie, again, would you please go for counselling. Not with your husband though. The last thing you need right now is couples counselling because you're too vulnerable though a good counsellor would see that and suggest individual counselling for you. It really will help you. Honestly.

You could also try Womens Aid and their Freedom Program.

I’m sorry Alfie but I agree with the PP.

You’ve raised the same issues again and again and been given some great advice over and over.

So my H is having a down day. The reality of our DC’s illness has hit all of us a bit this weekend. I also reacted to him asking if I wanted to go to a sporting event with him. I hate this type of ‘sport’. We had a discussion about him still taking me for granted and doing whatever he wants whenever he wants to. I 180’d a bit and it’s freaked him out.

I’ve had a great day. Been out with the kids for a BBQ and am relaxed and happy. I just don’t care that he’s down. He should feel bad about the past. Is it unreasonable to feel that little reminders that he has work to do forever are a good thing?

Screaming, I think he should remember otherwise he's just sweeping what happened under a rug ( like what they did for the past 8 years when you didn't know) and he needs to fix what's broken in him that allowed him to make the wrong choices.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more happy though, focusing on yourself needs to be your priority.

Unfortunately, whenever he who shall not be named is down, I have to go against my natural instinct which is to try and make it better. That's not my job anymore. It's tough but I've learned that the only people that I will ever put in front of myself is my children.

Hope everyone else is having a good bank holiday weekend.

**That's not my job anymore. It's tough but I've learned that the only people that I will ever put in front of myself is my children.

This is exactly how I feel

Yep, take care of yourself first and foremost ladies and your children. I realised I had totally neglected ‘me’ including any friendships in the rush to be cook, cleaner and all round entertainment manager and psychiatrist to a grown man

Yes. Take care of yourselves and don’t be afraid of the new you. Don’t stunt your emotional development because the new you scares you. Embrace it and let it take you onward wherever it will.

Things were going so well.

We were both supposed to be out last night. I dropped him off and then my meeting was cancelled so I offered to pick him up. Just as I was leaving he text to ‘ask’ if I could drop his mate home.
I was really annoyed. I knew he’d already mentioned it to his mate before he’d text me,so I couldn’t say no without seeming like a bitch. His mate lives 20mins in the opposite direction, so instead of being home by 10:35 it was 11:10. Not a big issue but I was exhausted.

I called him out on the fact nothing has changed- he still takes me for granted. He manipulates the situation so the outcome is the one he wants. It’s not so much taking his mate home it’s the fact I wasn’t given a choice.
He sulked all the way home, didn’t touch me all night and hasn’t spoken to me since the car.

He keeps showing me who he is- I need to start listening.

Hows everyone doing??, I am still crying every day :( the future is terrifying, the pain is still very real and there nearly 6 months in. The dead line to apply for divorce on the ground's of adultery is looming and I really don't know what to do, Think I am clinging on to something that was........ and will never be again. As heartbreaking as it is, I chose none of this, or the life that will follow it, but looks like I have no choice, My head or heart can't get over what he has done to me, all the lies destroy my soul everyday.I Thought I would feel better by now but I don't not really, I just pretend to everyone everyday that I'm coping better and getting over it. The truth is I don't think you ever do.

Hey Broken
Just because the 6 month is coming up doesn’t have to mean anything.
Yes it means you can’t use adultery as the reason but if you do divorce
you can still tell the world why.
My 6th month is July. We are still working on things.
I’ll never love him the same way, I’ll never trust again.
Do what is best for you.
Make it about what you need.
I haven’t cried for months.
I haven’t got anything left.

We are stronger than we will ever know. They are weak.

X x

You can list adultery as being one of the examples of unreasonable behaviour, so it will still be on the record.

I’m 6 months out too and I’m actually feeling a lot better about things. I think the marriage counselling has helped a lot and seeing him break down and show some emotion. Also, having to admit what he did in the cold light of day to an independent 3rd party and witness her reaction. I still have days where I feel angry but I’m not as consumed by everything as much as I was.

I still feel sad about what happened and that our marriage has been tainted but I’m feeling more optimistic that we can work it out than I did before. I haven’t been looking on Rightmove for 3 bed flats for me and the kids like I have in the past so I suppose that’s progress.

I’m sorry it’s still so raw for you, Broken. I think there are no hard and fast rules on how long it takes to recover from something like this and every situation is different. Are you having any counselling?

I haven't had chance to read all the posts in the new thread but I'm just marking my place so I can find you all again. I have been lurking on the old thread that I started just because I haven't been able to post much. I have found this though, and I think it would be great for anyone in our crap situation to watch, and get your spouses to watch.

Xx

@WhatAreYouLookingAt this that you said perfectly describes how I feel..

Here's a question, if you could go back in time, would you want to know? If the affair was over, the cheater had realised the error of his ways and the OW was out of the picture. I honestly don't know if I would choose to know, this knowledge has changed me and it's not for the better. I felt like there's a crack right through to the foundation of who I am. I always thought I was a red pill kind of person.*

Yes I would.
The affair was 8 years ago.
It was over
OW was still pretending to be my friend. H was taking me and the family for granted.
I’m in pain but happier? I have power I didn’t have before.

Argh reading threads with nasty whores who brag about being an OW is enough to make me violent!

The old The OW doesn’t owe the betrayed party anything line makes me so angry.

Yeah all OW don't owe us betrayed wives a thing. If we were better wives, our husbands wouldn't sleaze over them

The karma bus will hit when skanks like that least expect it. Just think about how broken you would have to be to be an OW. We can hold our heads high and be proud of who we are, while those bottom feeding bitches slink off into the darkness.

How've you been doing screaming?

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."
Maya Angelou
Saw this quote today.
We'll all get through this, whatever our outcomes.

Rollercoaster as always but H really is trying and is hyper aware of my moods

How about you all?

Dear All

I have been reading this thread and it has bought make so many unhappy feelings for me. I found out about my exH affair over 20 years ago, and we struggled on for 9 very long and difficult months. In the end I decided to divorce as I could not picture myself being the person I had become for the rest of my life. It wasn't easy but it was the best thing I did for both me and our children. When I finally made that decision, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. My exH was similar to many of yours "Why do you keep on bringing it up", "We need to move on" etc, etc, We did attend counseling but I felt he was only there because I said so. I have had no regrets about my decision and my heart goes out to you all - I kept a diary during those 9 months - I read it the other day and pain oozes out from every page. I am not that person today thankfully, and whatever each of you decide, it will be right decision for you. x

Thanks Val and I’m glad you are happy but really what this thread is about is support that isn’t just LTB.