Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

[WhatAreYouLookingAt]

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

Why can't I move on from this?

Francis you can't move on from it because you are trying to move on from the sad reality that your husband loves this OW. You know he does and you know the affair wouldn't have (still hasn't) ended if you hadn't threatened to tell her husband, boss and mother. The fact is the affair ended by default and not because your husband or the OW wanted it to end.

There's a voice inside of you telling you all of this and the fact you've not been able to silence it shows you know deep down inside that you're sadly living with a man who doesn't love you and is still at least having an emotional affair.

There are two ways for you to live this. You either accept the situation and learn to live within your marriage the way it is with all that it entails. Or you listen to the voice thats telling you that this situation is never going to come right, that no amount of trying to make your husband love you and not her is ever going to work, and you bring your marriage to an end.

Have you had counselling? Have you had the chance to ask someone to help you to understand why its so important to you that this man loves you? What is it about your make up/self esteem that has you hell bent on being the one your husband loves? Is it some kind of competition you have to win? Do you actually want him or is it that you don't want to be the 'loser' in this and for her to have him. Why do you not think you're worth more than this? Is a song worth this?

That’s why you can’t move on Frances. He hasn’t proved himself safe enough

And Francis knows this though she does her very best to silence the inner voice telling her so.

He needs to read

He doesn't need to read anything.

How to help my partner heal after the affair.

He wont because the affair isn't over and he's not really bothered about the impact it has on Francis.

He needs to end it with her

He hasn't and he wont which is why reading something like 'how to help my partner heal after the affair' isn't relevant.

Thanks Hattie, you've said some very wise things and given me lots to think about.
I'm away for a month, H is coming out for 2 weeks.
I've got some time at last to focus on my thoughts.
I've got lots to take to our next counselling session.
It's like the penny's dropped. I couldn't understand why I couldn't get off the roundabout

Thanks x

Francis, Ive posted on this thread and the first one under various names and Im always so worried I hurt you when I reply. But the truth is that to someone standing on the outside, albeit with experience, its very obvious why you can't settle. Listen to the voice that keeps telling you why you are still in so much turmoil because it really is serving you very well.

I really hope you are feeling more at peace soon and that your holiday is enjoyable all things considered. xxxx

Frances: don't worry about not getting off the roundabout earlier. You got off when it had slowed down enough for you to feel comfortable. Personally what hurt me the most was how the person I trusted with my heart had got off so much earlier without telling me.
But now, his floozy is welcome to him.
I don't want him anymore. And if ever I seem to be making statements to opposite, please hold me back!

Thanks Constant

How is everybody doing?

I am really struggling. It felt like we were doing well and marriage counselling was really useful but now it feels like everything is unravelling.

I think it’s because we were going through a rough patch when the affair happened and the mc helped us come to terms with the affair itself but didn’t address all the problems we were having preceding it. We’ve both been making a massive effort up to this point but in the last month or so some of those issues have resurfaced and it’s reminded me how unhappy I was then.

I stayed for the kids but I wanted to make it work and not have a sham marriage. Now I’m not sure if it’s all too much and it can’t be fixed. We could have more marriage counselling but is a marriage that needs to much help really worth saving?

Now things don’t feel like they’re not going so well I also worry about if he would be tempted to get in touch with the ow (she is single). The other day he went out for the whole day/ evening to a sporting event and it suddenly hit me that it would be a perfect ruse if he wanted to spend time with another woman, and reminded me of the fact that I no longer have that 100% trust I had before.

I really don’t know what to do.

I think that’s the problem starlight, when betrayals are found it, it can feel that that’s the ‘only issue’ when often it’s mixed in with other issues that are still hanging around even if trying to get over betrayal

Yes, the other issues aren’t necessarily insurmountable but combined with the betrayal, and everything that came with that, it all feels really difficult. I don’t know what the solution is though other than more therapy or separation.

Starlight you have perfectly described my situation. I am just saying to myself, which may help you, that there is no need to male a decision yet.
At the beginning I felt so much pressure to stay or go, now I have removed the pressure from myself. I am working on my relationship but if at some point I feel like enough is enough then I know I have tried.
Have you had any individual counselling? I really do empathise with you, it's awful to still feel in limbo after a length of time. for you all.

We had a few months of mc and it did really help. I wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision in staying but felt more confident by the end of counselling. I felt reasonably happy for a while and stopped thinking about it on the whole but the past few weeks my feelings have changed.

I hate that I don’t trust him 100% and we’re not the team I thought we were. Other issues feel like they’re coming to the forefront too and I really don’t know if they can be resolved.

I had individual counselling before mc and have now started some more - I feel like I’ve become a bit of a therapy junkie! Everything that’s happened has caused me to face some difficult truths, not just about my marriage but my childhood, etc and realising my mum is a narcissist. That alone makes it hard to leave as my parents just aren’t there for me the way normal parents are and I’m afraid of being alone and having no-one in the world to depend on if I ever need help.

I guess for the time being i’ll just keep plodding on as the alternative seems even more difficult.

How are you today Starlight? It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now if the counselling is bringing up other difficult issues. Dealing with the fallout from infidelity is hard enough without also having other major life issues (health, employment, family etc) that aren't in a comfortable place. I hope the IC is helping.
I think the trust thing is really difficult to get back. I'm now 16 months after DDay and although my trust in him has significantly improved, it's not 100% yet. Maybe it never will be. We have to decide if we are OK with that.

Starlight, I get what you are saying too about coming to terms with the affair itself, but having trouble dealing with the peripheral issues. After a ton of research on the subject I feel I really do 'get' why the affair happened and I have come to terms with this. However, it's his behaviour to me before it happened and while it was happening that I find so difficult to deal with. Since DDay there has been a complete transformation in how he is to me, and we have discussed in some depth the issues I have about his past behaviour. I think though that I am still fearful that the poor attitudes and behaviour from the past (e.g. taking me for granted, putting himself first) will resurface at some point, and so I find it very hard to relax and enjoy the person he seems to have become.

Jeannie I think we’re in the same space.

Jeannie I could have written your 2 posts!
I don't understand how he could become this horrible person who was so nasty whilst he was having the affair, flip a switch and be the loving husband again. I can't relax and trust him.I'm also sure he's not telling me the full truth.
When I found the sexting, I asked him if they'd slept together. He replied, "That's personal between me and her." After he'd spoken to her, he said they hadn't. He continued texting her for another 4 months too. All of this is why I'm still on the roundabout and not trusting him at all.
Oh and the OW? She's left her new husband....and has moved in with bloke number 3! 😄

I tried counselling but decided a revenge shag was a better idea. Feel so much better now lol

Not sure I could do that lucky are u and your dh still together? Did he find out and If so how did he take it? Sorry to be nosy lol

Yes we are still together and no he didn't find out. I know that it probably sounds shallow but revenge was the best medicine for me.

@HattieAndHerBoy I'm sorry to butt in on this thread but your paragraph rang so many bells with me

Have you had counselling? Have you had the chance to ask someone to help you to understand why its so important to you that this man loves you? What is it about your make up/self esteem that has you hell bent on being the one your husband loves? Is it some kind of competition you have to win? Do you actually want him or is it that you don't want to be the 'loser' in this and for her to have him. Why do you not think you're worth more than this? Is a song worth this?

Is this something you've read up about? Can you please point me in the right direction?

DH has bipolar and was only diagnosed after he had a ONS on a stag do and then decided to leave us for her the very next day. Came home and told me that weekend. None of the crying or remorse because he was manic. He was so happy to tell me all about it/her. Unspeakably shocking and painful to me.

He literally moved in with her the next week; a 5 hour drive away. She was much younger, single in a shared house and thought she was rescuing him??

Eventually after two suicide attempts he was diagnosed and we are attending MC. He has been having IC and psychiatrIC treatment since it happened.

We are trying but I have been through so much I'm not sure if we can be happy again for so many reasons.

Following with tears.

Advice please.

The husband of the OW called the other day wanting to get the kids together(I am god mother as she,OW is my kids god mother).
I found it hard to know what to say.

It’s not the kids fault but I want nothing to do with them. Her betrayal of me, the toxicity of their marriage,which I ignored for our friendship, his MH issues all mean this isn’t a can of worms I want opened.

Their eldest doesn’t have a phone( which given how completely lax they are on internet access and who they are in contact with online I find baffling) so the kids can’t contact each other that way. They will see each other at scouts.

I told him I didn’t want contact with him or her(he hid the truth for 8 years as much as they did).

I feel sad for the kids but mine don’t Seem that bothered not seeing theirs.

Screaming, I wouldn’t do it if I were in your situation. Yes it’s not the kids’ fault, but if they get friendly you might be forced to spend time with the OW, which I’m sure is not what you want.

When they’re older they can pursue the friendship if they want and it won’t matter so much then as it’s less likely that you’d be forced to see her. From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like they’re that bothered so it’s not worth making yourself suffer.

Agree with those of you who said your H had had a personality transplant since the affair was found out. Mine said some horrible things to me when it was going on but now he’s Mr Perfect and never puts a foot wrong. Doing more than his fair share of chores at home, still buying me gifts and has cut back massively on his time consuming hobbies. I’m not sure he can keep this up for the rest of his life though! It’s certainly preferable to his sometimes selfish behaviour beforehand but he still feels guilty at the moment, but that will surely fade at some point.

Well the grand mother brought the kids over for dinner tonight- I kind of felt backed into a corner. Grandmother is lovely and understands an sympathies with me. It won’t be a regular thing and I have made it clear my children will not be going anywhere near the house or the couple.

For me with H is that I can see he’s working hard to be a better man but he wants something I just can’t give him at the moment, something his past behaviour killed me to tell him I love him.
I just can’t say it. I don’t think it’s there yet and it makes me sad

How do you know when enough is enough and despite best efforts and intentions it’s not going to work? I was hoping all the doubts and negative feelings I’ve been having about everything were just a phase but this has been going on for several weeks now and I can’t shake it.

It’s nothing he’s doing wrong - in fact he is trying really, really hard - but the fact is that he doesn’t have a time machine and can’t change the past. It’s like my anger about it all faded for a while after the mc but now it’s back and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

The atmosphere in the house in the past week or so has been icy and that’s not good for the dc. I don’t know what to do or how long to give it before having to accept that in our case maybe it’s just not possible to reconcile and we will have to separate after all.