Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

[WhatAreYouLookingAt]

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

How do I tell someone knowing the pain it will cause.
I only know these women through the OW. I only have Facebook as a means to contact them.
One doesn’t speak to them anymore after a work dispute and the other is constantly posting lovely happy family picks with her cheating spouse.- this last affair was longer ago than the one with my Husband over 14 years.
When I found out I was really cross about the time that has past. I’d rather have not been told or told closer to the affair.
How do you drop that bomb without looking vindictive

Tbh Screaming I’m not sure I would tell them. Some women would rather not know and it’ll probably make you look vindictive. If there’s no proof they might not believe you anyway so I would leave well alone unless they ask you directly. It might all come out in the wash at some point anyway.

Screaming, I'm usually all for telling the betrayed spouse but because it was so long ago and there's no proof you will probably end up shot as the messenger.

Here's a question, if you could go back in time, would you want to know? If the affair was over, the cheater had realised the error of his ways and the OW was out of the picture. I honestly don't know if I would choose to know, this knowledge has changed me and it's not for the better. I felt like there's a crack right through to the foundation of who I am. I always thought I was a red pill kind of person.

Twisted, it hits me randomly, I could be making my child's bed and I flash back to the day I built his bunk beds as that was 'date night' for him and his whore.

My H's affair ended finally last July...she messaged him again in September.
I've never told her H. Part of me wants to tell him to find out what he knows, but part of me is too scared to say anything. I've faffed now and left it too long haven't I?

I think the worst feeling is when your H doesn’t see an emotional affair as cheating one bit, more a very poor ‘mistake’ and we all make those don’t we, so they don’t mentally feel they are a cheater in any way

Hi Ladies, how we all doing??? I still have days where I cry, I still think about it every day, but the one thing that has changed is the love I had for him, I would have taken a bullet for him before this, now, I look at him and think WTF, he was an idiot to do what he has done to me and the kids, She is fuck ugly inside and out and I am worth a thousand of her and if he couldn't see that then that's his problem not mine, she inflated his ego so much he turned into someone that no one would like, And to be honest now, I have zero respect for him. I am not sure what the future holds for me now, but I have come so far, these past few months, I realize now that my life would not be over without him in it, that I would be OK and that if that's what needs to happen for me to be happy again then so be it. That is a big step for me.

Hi Broken, I think you hit the nail right on the head as that's exactly where I am. I am fiercely loyal and protective of those that I love but for him that's gone now. I wouldn't be running back into a burning building for him.

The other thing that hit me too is that getting divorced wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to me in our relationship. His adultery was and I survived that when I threw him out the door. He keeps saying that what happened will make our marriage stronger , which is impossible as it's a sham now but I know it'll make me stronger (probably more cold hearted too) but I can live with that.

That sounds really positive, Broken. I think the best thing we can do to try and gain something positive out of an awful situation is to concentrate on ourselves and stop prioritising the men. I see it all the time in my friends and families’ relationships too, women putting the needs and wants of the man first, often to their own detriment. As we have discovered, this does not guarantee their happiness, fidelity or anything else; if anything, it probably gives them a sense of entitlement. I am putting a lot more effort into my friendships and doing things I want to do now. I also know I can do it all alone if I have to, I just need to decide if I want to or not.

WhatAreYou, my H also says our marriage can be stronger as a result of what’s happened. I think they like to tell themselves this as it alleviates their guilt, but if he thinks I’m ever going to be happy about it and ‘grateful’ to him for saving our marriage he’s very much mistaken! We are communicating better now than we ever did before, but I’m sure that could have been achieved through less painful means.

I will also never look at him the same way I did before. I thought he was fantastic and always wrote in cards about how lucky I was to have him. I thought he completely adored me. It’s all still such a shock when I sit down and think about it.

What you said is a good way of looking at it, WhatAreYou. Nothing could be more horrible or shocking than the day I found out, so I can cope with anything that happens from now on.

Well put Starlight. I agree with what you've said and feel the same about my DH. There must be a better wake-up call for a relationship than this. My D-Day (1 year) is two days away so it is on my mind a lot at the moment. It has been the worst year of my life, but I'm looking forward to getting through the one year point. I'm a different person to the person who was sat here a year ago reading mumsnet posts on the subject and gaining the sinking realisation that this was happening to me too (I didn't get the actual proof for another couple of days, but I just 'knew' before that that something was very wrong - the shock was getting it confirmed and the complete horror about with whom and how long it had been happening).

Sorry you have been through this too jeannie. Does it feel any easier after a year? It’s coming up to 6 months for me and I don’t feel as bad as I did in the very early days but it’s still all-consuming.

I actually wonder what I used to think about before I was cheated on!

I still feel a lot of anger at 18 months starlight and yes as you say it can be all consuming. I try to keep calm and kind but some days I find myself looking and thinking 'what's in your bloody head that made you do that to me' . I am also coping with a bloody secret big porn habit that he doesn't know I know about -- yet!! I'm holding it in reserve for if I decide at some point to end things. Basically he transferred the secret buzz of one thing to another it would seem

Hi Starlight, I'm finding this week particularly tough because of all the memories of what was happening in this week one year ago. But in general, it does get easier. I think I'm in a better place than I was 6 months ago. But it's not a straightforward linear process (much as my DH wishes it would be) and I've had multiple set backs and still feel like this consumes too much of my mental energy. I've also experienced what I've read others call 'The Plain of Lethal Flatness' which was horrible, but in a different way to the major swings in emotions that I've been through at other times. In my case, things are made more difficult by the fact that the OW lives just round the corner from our house (and is a former friend), with kids at the same school as mine. So the triggers and reminders are full on and hard to avoid.
yetmorecrap I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with yet more uncovered secrets. That must be really tough to keep to yourself.

Well It annoys me yes, but I've learnt to build up friendships again and not put him first always. The 'flat' thing is awful Jeannie, I know what you mean. I thing the hardest thing is trying to act 'normal' day to day, when you feel like a coiled spring a lot if the time. I think the steam coming out ears subsided at about 4 months somewhat.

YMC I know just what you mean about flat-lining emotions....and like trying to carry on when inside you feel like a coiled spring.
I tend to need a long talk, often into the night, every couple of weeks. I need to tell him how I'm feeling and how it's making me feel.
It's tough. I didn't tell her H, part of me wishes I had now. I'm definitely just starting to put myself first.

I threw out the framed pictures of our wedding today. I'm not one for displaying lots of photographs but there a few that I rotated in and out prior to DDay. They are gone and I'm glad.

I also binned all the wedding cards and other keep sakes and it felt good. No point hanging on to the past, trying to piece back together the life I had before, it's gone I need to accept that.

I don't know what to do with my rings, I'll never wear them again regardless of whether we stay together or divorce. He still wears his, when he asked why I won't wear mine I asked him did he remember what he said when he placed them on my finger. Cue blank look from him. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love & fidelity...." so yes you stupid prick I can't wear mine but you can go right ahead wearing yours as I've broken no vows.

Same here WhatAreYouLookingAt all our wedding photos gone, rings came off the day I found out the truth, He still wears his, I said the same to him, You broke the vows you made to me, as far as I am concerned I am no longer married. The paper means nothing the vows meant everything, forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live. Every day I hate them both a little more for the pain and shit storm they have caused.

I asked 50 years old H if he'd left his wedding ring on during his dates with his 27 year old ow, (our son is 20). He said, "Yes." 💔

Has anyone ever noticed you’re not wearing your rings? I took mine off for a few months but put them back on as I didn’t want any awkward questions from people.

If we divorce I might have the diamond ring turned into earrings or something. There was a thread about it a while back and some people sold them on eBay or threw them into the sea! I certainly won’t be giving them back.

Everyone in my day to day life knows what he did. My FIL, my parents, my siblings, close friends and close colleagues. I was a broken shell for weeks post DDay but I had to go to work and I needed as much support as possible to be able to get through that time.

For those that don't know if anyone asks, I just say I don't wear them anymore. I don't go into any explanation.

I kind of enjoy not wearing as I think of it as a daily reminder to him of what he did. If I wore them again, then he would think things are back to normal. I want him to be reminded every day that I could walk away at any moment, the same as I am reminded every day that he could cheat at any moment. Fairs fair

Dh hasn’t worn his ring for years as it’s a bit small I don’t wear mine anymore and apart from the kids nobody has noticed

Noone has commented on me not wearing mine. I'm pretty sure he's wearing his while he's working away for 6 weeks. Funny thing is, he never used to wear it working away on board, even going ashore for sightseeing or nights out, apart from the time a couple of years ago when he met up with his parents as they were holidaying in the same foreign country. When asked how he could remember to wear it to meet his parents, yet 'forgot' to put it on every other time, he said it was because his parents would expect to see it. Says it all really. He hadn't really 'forgotten' on every other occasion, he just CBA. Because it's not important to him.

I triggered hard the other day over something H said. I held back from snapping at him until the evening when I was able to calmly explain how he’d been an insensitive prick. I let him know I hold back a lot still. I think he was a bit shocked and asked me not too hold back. But he dorsn’t Want me to ‘throw the affair in his face forever’ 🙄. Make your mind up mate it can’t be both.

I am at a crossroad at the moment and don’t know whether to keep going as we are or quietly get my ducks in a row. My gut instinct is telling me he lied to me the other day and met up with her walking the dog we are getting on great but the bottom line is I don’t trust him he’s lied so much he thinks he has to lie or I will kick off but to me so much has gone on he needs to cut contact completely yes it started as an innocent friendship he chose to over invest in it which caused problems instead of reducing contact he has done everything possible to try not to get caught and lied to my face about it all If I kick off threaten divorce it brings them closer as he slags me off to Her and he seems to think it gives him permission to be in regular contact with her.

That's disgraceful alfie. I don't know the full details of your situation, but that's not him showing a commitment to you, is it? What made you think he lied about meeting her? And why in hell hasn't he stopped seeing her?

Alfie I wouldn’t be able to the handle continual lying. It’s so damaging to a relationship as if they’re happy to lie about certain things, how can you know when they are telling the truth?

If I catch H out in any more lies after all the pledges he’s made to be open and honest, that would be it for me, and he knows it.

Screaming, I think my H sometimes dreads the evenings! Once the kids are in bed he never knows whether when we sit down for dinner it’ll be normal conversation or me letting rip about something and getting really upset. Even the marriage counsellor told him it’s something he’s going to have to deal with as it’s better for me to get my feelings out there, so he can’t really complain!