Infidelity Support Thread for the Betrayed Party- Part 2

[WhatAreYouLookingAt]

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Although I was a bit late to the party, I thought it would be a good idea to continue on with the thread.

The thread is a place for ranting, raving and general trying not to go full out crazy in real life while we deal with the crap that our spouses are putting us through.

I understand that but thought I would share my experience - It took me 9 months to throw in the towel

I'm 15 months post D day, 11 months since found out that they were still s/t exting each other, 9 months since she contacted him with," Missing You xx😘" and 6 months since he called me her name during an intimate moment in bed.
I'm breaking up tonight. He's working and I'm just crying.
He's tried really hard since Xmas, but I can't pull myself together.
I'm angry, hurt, scared....and jealous.
It's tearing me apart.

I understand that but thought I would share my experience - It took me 9 months to throw in the towel

I’m a king term poster on this thread with a name change and Val has touched on something I wanted to say a few weeks ago after some pretty upsetting posts.

If you are posting on this thread and making it very clear just how difficult life is then perhaps it’s time to try a different approach to your partners affair.

Just because you initially decided to give things a go doesn’t mean to say you can’t change your mind and say this is not working for me.

Life really is way too short to keep on wearing a pair of shoes that have you in agony no matter what you’ve done to make them feel better on.

He's tried really hard since Xmas, but I can't pull myself together.
I'm angry, hurt, scared....and jealous.
It's tearing me apart

Francis you’re obviously in agony and it’s hearybreaking to read your posts. Please listen to what your subconscious is telling you and give yourself the chance of a life that will be better for you emotionally as well as physically. None of this is good for you on any level and you more than anyone else here needs to be aware of the harm this could be doing to you.

You all deserved better than this girls.

king term 🙄

Long term.

Hello.
I found out 3 weeks ago that my partner of almost 10 years has been having an emotional affair with his colleague.
I’m devastated and the life I thought I had is in tatters.
Hugs to all of you who know how I feel.

@Sronm1979 it's horrible. The first few weeks are just a blur of pain and confusion, but you do get through it somehow.

I'm feeling confused as always. I feel so sad for the partner I have lost, he just is not who he used to be. He keeps saying "I won't give up, I'm trying my best to change" and I can tell he is trying. He is about to start his own counselling which I'm hoping won't just be a pity party for him. The actual affair I could forgive, good people do bad things and I believe in second chances. But he has treated me so poorly while it was going on and developed some bad habits- snapping at me, being generally moody and irritable. He says he wants to work out why he is being like that in his counselling but I have said to him I can't live with that all the time.

I understand you are bound to have the odd day of being moody but he is moody more often than not. Snaps at me over the tiniest thing. I said from the start that I didn't want to end up hating him as we have young children and I want to set a good example to them of respect for one another.

We had a conversation this morning to this tune and he didn't seem very emotional about it. I don't know whether he is depressed (he does take antidepressantsbut a very low dose) or whether he has just checked out of the relationship.

& hugs , no one deserves this pain, I’ve been told he has fallen out of love with me, which makes me even more upset.
We’ve not had an easy time and I accept that some of the blame lies at my door but I would never in a million years cheat.
Did you H confess or did you find out?
I found out and confronted him and he couldn’t say that he didn’t love the OW. He has been secretive and obsessed with his phone for months but the final straw was leaving his job and then finding a job at his new place for his Slapper. That’s when I started to put the pieces together.
I ( Stupidly) believe that they haven’t had sex but reading their texts and messages it would have been the next step.
I’ve been nauseous for almost 4 weeks, I have no appetite and just thinking that they are still talking at work everyday is making me feel crazy.
We have 2 young children ( 8 & 6) we are trying to find a way to reconcile but I don’t know how or why I should trust him or if I ever will.
My OH was always snapping at me too, he would never fight back and now I see it was because he had given up as someone else was available.

Oh hun I’m sorry you had to join us.
You can’t reconcile if her still has any contact with her.
Have a look at The survivinginfidelity site.

Unfortunately as she works at his new place, they have to talk but he has been showing me texts that she is still sending him. Part of me, wants to text her and tell her to stop but I don’t want to give her any more satisfaction than she already has
I’ll have a look at the website, thank you. I read the 180 that previous posters have recommended and have been trying some of those approaches but it’s so hard when even concentrating seems like an effort.

I've decided to separate from STBXH.

I'm 8 months in from DDay and I've realised that he's done nothing but rug sweep and pay lip service to any changes that I've asked for

I'm not even upset or angry. I'm just done.

I'm 35 in a few weeks and I can't live the next 35 years with someone who I don't respect or love.

When I told him tonight, he didn't take it too well and stormed out. I felt relief when he left, like a weight had been lifted. A weight I didn't even know I was carrying.

I do believe that people can make a mistake and change and be better husbands or wives. That just wasn't possible for my ex. He just wanted to get back to normal while still being the selfish ungrateful bastard that he's always been but I was just too blinded by love to see it before.

I wish everyone well and I hope you all find happiness what ever path you take.

WhatAreYou, you sound like you have made the right decision for you. You shouldn’t have to live the rest of your life being really unhappy. It’s not like the kids wouldn’t have picked up on it (I know they do from personal experience).

I agree with you that reconciliation is only possible with a huge effort on both sides and it sounds like your STBXH wasn’t trying hard enough. You gave it 8 months but you can’t do it all on your own. He broke the marriage, not you.

I hope you are ok and have a good RL network to help you through this.

3 months ago I found out exH had been having an affair (we had just had a baby and we have 4 yr old). He moved in with OW, 2 weeks later regretted it and came back. Then he left again after 2 weeks and went back to her. Low and behold he regretted it again and came back promising this time it was over for good and made me believe him, he left after a week. 3rd times a charm it happened again and he came back, but this time he was showering me with charm, romance, alsorts, then suddenly after a week again he told me he doesn't want to leave again but he's struggling to love me and he said OW was his true love but he's burnt that bridge to try and love me, well snapped and told him to leave. Now he blames me for our marriage breakup saying he tried but I was quick to throw him out.

WHY DO I KEEP TAKING HIM BACK, somebody please slap me if I do it again, and now I feel like the guilty party now as he has a way of making me feel like I'm to blame :(

No, you are definitely not to blame my2nd. He sounds very manipulative and is taking no responsibility for his actions. Next time he leaves and wants to come back, refuse him. At the moment he’s got you just where he wants to and can pick and choose between 2 women; lucky him.

Have you had any counselling? It sounds like you would benefit from it so you can try and understand why you are willing to allow yourself to be treated this badly.

Hi all, just looking for a gentle hug or something really. Have read the posts and they all seem so familiar! We've been married a few years, together years before that. I found out DH got together with ow at a work party. I found out a week later, and read a week's worth of messages saying they were just friends. It was pretty clear that it was likely to progress further had I not found out. I was pretty much resigned to this, but we had been ttc for a year or so before. Lo and behold, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I told him that I wanted him to not be in contact, which I do believe to be the case. After a few months of a lot of sleepless nights and arguments with me warning that I would leave with the baby (now 11 months old), we are actually OK. I have my wobbles, but we do communicate better and things seem OK

I do however resent the ow so much. I suffer from anxiety and depression and when I am down I fixate on her. The main thing I resent her for is that what should be such a happy moment finding out I was pregnant, is muddled up in this.

Grr, please say it will get easier!

Kr3000, i feel exactly the same, I’m fixated on the OW, I hate everything about her and when I hear her Name I feel bile rising in my stomach.
Im still so unsure of what to do, I really hope I can trust again but I can’t see that happening.
Im sure he is still carrying on but he is getting better at hiding it. Eventually he will slip up and that will be it.

Oh Sronm1979, bless you. It's so hard to trust them again. I really hope all works out well for you x

Thank you, Kr3000. I read your post and it gave me a lump in my throat. Discovering your pregnant should be happiest time of your life and this has left you feeling for unhappy.

Sromn, can he get another job? In my situation the OW agreed to leave and things have been much easier now that he doesn’t see her every day. I don’t really think about her much any more whereas when she still worked there it was like torture.

I think it’s normal to fixate on the OW. There we all were, going about our lives thinking everything was ok, when they came along out of nowhere and suddenly everything is in ruins. Hopefully it gets easier with time.

On the odd occasion I do think about the OW I do feel angry, especially about the fact that my marriage has changed forever but she has pretty much got away scot-free. I could probably ruin her career if I revealed what she was getting up to with her ‘client’ but I’d have to take him down with her and that’s not in my best interests.

I do sort of believe in karma, in that if you go around doing horrible things and not giving a shit about other people and their feelings, somewhere along the line your behaviour will catch up with you, so I’m hoping she will get pay back one day.

It was awful. I have had so much bitterness because they took that moment from me. I took the test to prove to my husband that he could go assuming it would be negative. And as someone else has said, she got away Scott free.

Starlight, he won’t leave so now it’s down to what I want to do, which as the time is progressing I’m needing/ wanting him less and less. I’m feeling like a phoenix that’s been reborn and once I sort out my head he will be packing his cases.
I want him to hurt like I’ve been hurting but at the moment, he isn’t so i suppose Im playing the long game.

Kr3000, I really feel for you, I can’t imagine how painful your situation is.

How are you all getting on?
At the moment I'm in a groundhog day. I just can't get over the hurt and anger. I know everyone tells me to end it and move on, but I don't want to. I want to move on from the resentment.
His last text to her was that he'd always love her and miss her and she was to take consolation from that. He's never told her that he doesn't love her and that he loves me. Why can't I move on from this?

Frances I'm so sorry that it isn't getting easier. I have trouble remembering everyone's specific details but how long has it been since you found out? And have you been to counselling together?

I am coming up to the 1 year anniversary of finding out about my partner's affair. It's on Tuesday. I am feeling quite good on the forgiveness front, I feel a world away from how I did 1 year ago. I'm a different person for sure, but in many ways for the better and I am more sure of who I am. I am proud of myself for the way I have handled this whole mess.
Situation with DP not fully resolved; he is still snappy and irritable a lot but has at least started individual counselling now.

Can you do anything nice for yourself today to distract you? Xx

Its 16 months since I found out and 12 months since I caught him still texting. 10 months since she tried to rekindle it with "I'm missing you xx"
H gave me his phone that day and sure enough she phoned him at 9am. I answered and told her not to contact H or any member of my family again otherwise I'd show copies of the sexts to her husband, boss and mother!
He never ended it with her, I did.

That’s why you can’t move on Frances. He hasn’t proved himself safe enough.
He needs to read
How to help my partner heal after the affair.

He needs to end it with her