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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated, what the heck do i do now?

155 replies

johnco88 · 06/05/2018 10:50

I have been in a pit or terrible shame, anxiety and depression and of course it is all my fault.

I'm 30 and have a beautiful girlfiend who is 28, we have been together for a year and a half. I am away on business in Canada and went to an all day work party a few days ago. At this party I met someone cool, an English girl who was also here on business. We had been drinking all day and were feeling quite tired. I was staying at the hotel and she wasn't so she suggested we go and chill out/have a nap. That was my honest intention mainly out of lonliness but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me. She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there. There was and we had sex once and it was awful, disgusting, not enjoyable and I completely panicked afterwards and felt sick.

I asked her to leave straight away and lay there shaking all night.

I have always taken a very dim view of cheating and have never done it before. If I saw a post like this in a forum I would just think 'horrible person, you don't deserve my advice' but now I am in this situation.

There is one thing for sure, I will never ever do this again. I've had my ups and downs over 30 years but the last few days have been the worst. I haven't eaten or slept, I can't do anything I just sit about hating myself more and more.

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one. My immediate instinct is to blab to her straight away and hope she forgives me.

I'm sure I will receive a fair amount of abuse but I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this situation before? How did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Likewise has anoyone been treated like this before?

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 06/05/2018 10:54

Tell her so she can make the decision to either stay with you or leave you.

You are not the person she thought you were

Mookatron · 06/05/2018 10:55

If you're planning to tell her, cut out all the self excusing bits about how your gf is too pressuring and 'suddenly she was on top of me'. In your hotel room. Naked. Come on.

All you can do is tell her and be honest and apologetic about it. Maybe she will dump you.

If you were married and had kids I'd say don't tell her because you'd only be doing it to make yourself feel better, but in this case she needs to know what relationship she's committing to.

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 10:55

Its over mate.
You knew what you were doing. Who the guck carries a just in case condom? For you to have an erection you couldnt have been that drunk so lets stop that excuse.

The reason you cheated is because you dont want to commit to her. You justify it by her pressuring you, by drink, by the other woman forcing herself on you (yeah right) whom you have invited. Its like youre a poor victim puppet. Bitch please.

Its best she finds someone more suited than you as you havent grown up yet.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 06/05/2018 10:56

I have said this on MN before but personally I believe that given the right wrong set of circumstances almost anyone could cheat. Alcohol and loneliness would probably put some people part of the way there. But there are other factors that you have put into your OP, unconscious uncertainty about your relationship.

I think you need to get to the absolute bottom of what you want. I know if it were me I’d have to come clean because the guilt would gnaw away at me. Then I’d take it from there.

Sirzy · 06/05/2018 10:56

You need to tell her. Even if you don’t it will have an impact on your relationship and the guilt will eat you up.

What happens from here nobody can predict but the longer you lie the more of an issue it will become

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 10:58

You secretly wanted this to happen to fuck up the relation and avoid the commitment and because your petty ego is not over the fact she didnt drop everyone for you so early on. Its all poor me poor me look ive been shaking and sick ... yeah yeah.

Mayhemmumma · 06/05/2018 10:58

You don't need someone to take a nap with when you're feeling lonely?! For Christ sake you are a grown up. This in itself would be a no in a relationship for me.

The right thing to do is tell her and beg forgiveness. But you're cheating already after and can't cope with being alone. It's not a good sign.

tinytemper66 · 06/05/2018 11:08

Dis she fall onto your penis by accident?
If not 😂 then you cheated with someone you supposedly love and will now break her heart. Such a charmer aren't you?!
No sympathy! I bet you won't come clean either for ages and then blame your partner!

Cricrichan · 06/05/2018 11:08

A guy doesn't ask a woman to his room for a nap and a woman doesn't accept if all she wants is a nap. Also you didn't have to have sex with her and you must have been turned on to be able to do it. This didn't happen to you, you instigated it and was a willing participant.

I think if it's definitely a one off and it brought you to your senses then don't tell her but it sounds like you don't want to commit and are sabotaging your relationship.

Newerversion · 06/05/2018 11:12

No sympathy, you are an unfaithful, deceitful pig. Live with the repercussions.
Tell her, she deserves to chose whether she stays with you or not.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 06/05/2018 11:13

Stop with the bullshit, she wasn't suddenly naked & on top of you & even if she was you then made the conscious decision to fuck her after retrieving a condom from your wash bag Hmm
Tell your girlfriend-not the load of bollocks that you've posted here-the actual truth. She can then decide what she wishes to do about the relationship.

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 11:30

I haven't come here for sympathy, I have come for advice. Agreed, I am 100% a willing participant and really wasn't trying to play the victim card.

It wasn't a 'she fell on my penis' scenario at all. We came back, chatted for ages in the twin room. I turned the lights off after the conversation had died down. From that point on I don't know why I did what I did but you're all right. It wasn't premidiated, it wasn't a 'different postcodes' scenario. It just happened and I've now done something that I would never ever had considered doing. There is no excuse for what I've done.

I want to text her or phone her but think it might be better owned up to in person. I don't know, which is why I'm asking.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 06/05/2018 11:34

When are you due to go home ?
And just to be clear, you are living with your gf now? When did you move in? Is it a shared tenancy?

Mrstobe90 · 06/05/2018 11:36

Tell her when you get home. Please don't do it over the phone!
That would be such a shitty thing to do.

You've broken her trust so at least give her the chance to throw something at you! Grin

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 11:37

I go home in two weeks. We have a rented place together in London but not fully moved in yet as I work in Edinburgh until June.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 06/05/2018 11:41

Ok well I think you need to wait til you get home then tell her. When are you due to move in full time ? She will probably need some time to think about what she wants.

VerbenaBorensis · 06/05/2018 11:44

Tell her in person. It's shit to tell her by text or phone. It'll play on her mind till u get home and that's not fair.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/05/2018 11:48

Tell her in person and be absolutely prepared for her to tell you to fuck off.

And please spare her the whiny stuff.

MsGameandWatching · 06/05/2018 11:49

Very recognisable this. Hope she reads it and dumps you pronto!

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 11:50

July we planned on moving in full time.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 06/05/2018 11:52

Ok that gives her a few weeks to have a think about things. Poor girl.

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/05/2018 11:54

If she wants you not to move in then you will need to cover your share of the cost of the flat til she gets a flatmate in or manages to re-let it. Don’t argue with her about that, it would be even more shitty.

FuckingHateRain · 06/05/2018 11:56

I asked her to leave straight away
Oh the gentleman you are!!

MeMyShelfandIkea · 06/05/2018 11:57

Even if you hadn't had sex inviting another woman you've not known for long back to your hotel room even if just for a chat shows a massive lack of boundaries. I couldn't forgive that.

Littlepond · 06/05/2018 12:00

You invited a woman back to your hotel room, knowing she didn’t have her own room to leave to go back to, you just happened to have a condom in your wash bag even though you were on a trip without your long term partner, you had a conversation with the woman in your hotel room discussing whether you had a condom, you would have had to get up, find your wash bag, find the condom, put it on.
You decided to cheat on your girlfriend. There were several steps leading up to the sex and you actively chose to take every single one.
Tell your girlfriend what happened. What ACTUALLY happened.