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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated, what the heck do i do now?

155 replies

johnco88 · 06/05/2018 10:50

I have been in a pit or terrible shame, anxiety and depression and of course it is all my fault.

I'm 30 and have a beautiful girlfiend who is 28, we have been together for a year and a half. I am away on business in Canada and went to an all day work party a few days ago. At this party I met someone cool, an English girl who was also here on business. We had been drinking all day and were feeling quite tired. I was staying at the hotel and she wasn't so she suggested we go and chill out/have a nap. That was my honest intention mainly out of lonliness but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me. She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there. There was and we had sex once and it was awful, disgusting, not enjoyable and I completely panicked afterwards and felt sick.

I asked her to leave straight away and lay there shaking all night.

I have always taken a very dim view of cheating and have never done it before. If I saw a post like this in a forum I would just think 'horrible person, you don't deserve my advice' but now I am in this situation.

There is one thing for sure, I will never ever do this again. I've had my ups and downs over 30 years but the last few days have been the worst. I haven't eaten or slept, I can't do anything I just sit about hating myself more and more.

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one. My immediate instinct is to blab to her straight away and hope she forgives me.

I'm sure I will receive a fair amount of abuse but I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this situation before? How did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Likewise has anoyone been treated like this before?

OP posts:
Mumontherocks1 · 06/05/2018 14:27

This is incredibly common. You are not a monster, very decent people find themselves in your position. Ask yourself if you really want to be with her. Don't stay cos you think it's time to settle down etc.

People wreck perfectly good relationships over mistakes like this because society dictates that it automatically signals the end. It's extremely common when people drink to excess.

There is a brilliant TED talk about infidelity and staying together and it's illuminating. Good relationships can survive one off incidents. Why let one mistake ruin things.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2018 14:31

Having a one night stand is relatively unimportant and a lesson learned

He doesn't get to decide what's a big deal for her.

Personally I think this is just someone with a big pile of tissues wanting to hear cheating stories. But for the lurkers... if you cheat and lie, you are saying that you get to control someone else's choices. You get to decide what someone is allowed to feel. You get to make decisions based on truth and they don't. You're an arsehole basically.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 06/05/2018 14:32

realady

You have to be joking.

If he got me that worried about what had happened to him then told me he was in that state because he’d fucked some ‘cool girl’ I’d tell him to stay in Canada.

FFS.

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/05/2018 14:38

Is this the poster from the affair thread?

I may be putting 2 + 2 together but I did wonder if that other one was a bit of goady thread but it wasn't really going that way so it crossed my mind they're back with a different cheat angle.

Apologies if I'm way off on that one but neither of them ring true with me.

FuckingHateRain · 06/05/2018 14:39

How did you manage the erection during the "disgusting" sex?
Grin the same way he managed to have a forgotten condom in his washer bag after years of not needing one Wink

OP feel so sorry for your guilt, have a Biscuit

thefuckiswrongwithyou · 06/05/2018 14:39

Mrsterrypratchett

If you listen quietly you can hear a gently fap fap fap in the distance.

Tis the mating call of the wild Hairyhandedtrucketiutus

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2018 14:47

@thefuckiswrongwithyou what the fuck is wrong with you? Grin giving me that mental image!

FuckingHateRain · 06/05/2018 14:47

Firs thing you need to do is send her a message telling her you have the worst night of your life.
Tell her how freaked out you are, tell her how your shaking, you upset and your confused.
Let her hear, before the details, how this is effecting you.
I personally think sending a message gives her time to process this and answer it in a way she can be in control.
Don't say too much, don't send a million messages about it. But make sure before telling her what happened, you show her how freaked out you were, and how your the wrost person in the world etc.

You've done this before haven't you? Wink
Best MN response ever! Thank you!!!

SparklyMagpie · 06/05/2018 15:09

@FuckingHateRain where do you even begin with that comment? 😂😂

FuckingHateRain · 06/05/2018 15:12

I guess if he has to follow aaaaaallllllll this steps for a ONS he's gonna wish he had a wank Grin

SparklyMagpie · 06/05/2018 15:15

😂 fap an a nap

Aria2015 · 06/05/2018 15:19

I'd want to be told in person and have the opportunity to ask questions. If she believes you are genuinely remorseful then there's a slim chance she'll try and forgive you but initially I imagine she'll be shocked, upset and angry so talk of forgiveness will probably not come straight away. The other aspect you need to consider is the impact this will have on your relationship if she does try and forgive you. She will (rightfully so) have big trust issues with you and not feel secure. I've seen people try and forgive but because they haven't managed to get the trust back things have fallen apart later down the line as they just can't cope with feeling suspicious all the time and on tender hooks at it happening again.

Momo18 · 06/05/2018 15:26

Oh come on, who carries condoms and remembers they are there if no need for them! I chucked mine out a few months after I didn't need them. Also you knew exactly what you were doing inviting a woman to your room and i do not believe for one minute she was just on top of you, it's as if your almost excusing yourself from how the situation unfolded.

You do sound really sorry, I get that. You should tell her but without excuses, just full responsibility.

seventh · 06/05/2018 15:33

@johnco88

I don't think you want to be with your GF long term.

Not because you had sex with a stranger. But because of your subtext and your moving in comments.

ChutneyNose · 06/05/2018 15:36

Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HER assuming you want to keep her. You conciense will be your punishement but you’ll forget about it eventually. And obviously do no do it again.

CollyWombles · 06/05/2018 15:50

Look mate, you cheated. You chose to cheat, no-one forced you and the reasons why etc don't matter a bit. Sex doesn't just happen. It doesn't matter what other people who have cheated or been cheated on did or didn't do. The obvious decent thing to do is tell your girlfriend what happened and accept you may lose her. Lies always come out one way or other. At the very very least, she may be able to appreciate the honesty if nothing else. Oh and once you have cheated, if you don't tell her you will no doubt become paranoid about her cheating on you, it's usually the case. As for kicking the poor lass out that you cheated with, that's pretty low. You sound a very selfish person.

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 15:51

Op your story reminds me of this

Unsure123123 · 06/05/2018 16:06

Your not the first person to do this and you certainly won't be the last! I can guarantee right now are 100's of people who are intentionally cheating on their partners and not caring one bit! Sadly a of the couplles I know who have been together for years one of them has had a one night stand. The other doesn't know and they have become better partners from what they've learnt.

The good things to take from this are a) you've learnt your lesson. It'll be a tough road but I can guarantee if you feel this bad about it you will probably never do this again. If you do it again you lose her. End of, no going back. So make sure you don't.

If you tell her it will be to hurt her and you will lose her! It is actually a pretty selfish act to tell someone with the hope it will make you feel better when believe me it will not. You will feel significantly worse. If you have really decided she is the one then learn from it and don't hurt her anymore. Be the best partner you can be. Commit to her.

You are not what you do, you are how you deal with it. Every person walking this earth has done bad things. Everyone has made mistakes and everyone has regrets. There will be those who say they haven't. It's rubbish! It's partly why religion has the view of washing away sins etc. Because we all do bad things!

Learn from it and become a better person. Recognise people aren't perfect. Forgive yourself, love, cherish and honour your partner. If you do this right you will become a more rounded person.

There is enough hurt in the world. Why put yours with the person you love. Let it go.

SunshineandRain18 · 06/05/2018 16:10

Can't believe people are actually telling him not to say anything! Wow!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 06/05/2018 16:25

I can buy nearly all of it (well willing suspension of disbelief) but talking to this woman all day and didn't mention you had a long term partner.

I just can't see it.

TemptressofWaikiki · 06/05/2018 16:26

I would dump you. Especially on account of your pathetic OP, minimising and downplaying your conscious choice to cheat, followed by the disrespect shown to that woman directly afterwards. I would never be able to respect you, never mind trust.

BossBaby7 · 06/05/2018 16:40

Its always the evil witches fault the ow the gf.. so immature for a 30 year old .

BrendasUmbrella · 06/05/2018 16:42

Can't believe people are actually telling him not to say anything!

You know, if he doesn't want to tell her, the opinions of a few randoms on an internet forum won't make him change his mind! I was being realistic. The very least he should do is ensure that he doesn't put her sexual health at risk. I'd rather advocate for that.

longtallwalker · 06/05/2018 16:53

Condom in washbag Wink
Honestly mate. My OH has travelled for work since we met and if there'd been a condom in his travelling wash bag even at the beginning of the relationship, alarm bells would have rung. Ffs!
No one accidentally leaves one in there for a year or so. 😂😂😂
So please be honest with yourself and then with your girl friend

helenvelyn · 06/05/2018 18:50

If you genuinely are sorry, if you honestly believe there's no way your girlfriend could ever find out and if you 100% believe she is the one (ie this wasn't just a response to bad things in the relationship) I wouldn't tell her.