I cheated, what the heck do i do now?

[johnco88]

I have been in a pit or terrible shame, anxiety and depression and of course it is all my fault.

I'm 30 and have a beautiful girlfiend who is 28, we have been together for a year and a half. I am away on business in Canada and went to an all day work party a few days ago. At this party I met someone cool, an English girl who was also here on business. We had been drinking all day and were feeling quite tired. I was staying at the hotel and she wasn't so she suggested we go and chill out/have a nap. That was my honest intention mainly out of lonliness but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me. She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there. There was and we had sex once and it was awful, disgusting, not enjoyable and I completely panicked afterwards and felt sick.

I asked her to leave straight away and lay there shaking all night.

I have always taken a very dim view of cheating and have never done it before. If I saw a post like this in a forum I would just think 'horrible person, you don't deserve my advice' but now I am in this situation.

There is one thing for sure, I will never ever do this again. I've had my ups and downs over 30 years but the last few days have been the worst. I haven't eaten or slept, I can't do anything I just sit about hating myself more and more.

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one. My immediate instinct is to blab to her straight away and hope she forgives me.

I'm sure I will receive a fair amount of abuse but I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this situation before? How did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Likewise has anoyone been treated like this before?

So you chatted for ages but neglected to mention the one true love of your life?

It just gets worse and worse. OP, you really are kidding yourself.

I have experience of being cheated on. I am a wreck, I suffer huge lack of self esteem, I suffer from anxiety and am on anti depressants now. All this as a result of my h having ‘meaningless sex’ outside our marriage. You did ask.

but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me.

Umm. Ok. What within ten seconds she had managed to take off her clothes and straddle you?!

I’m going to go with the pp who said that if you know in your heart you wont do this again, and will be devoted to her, then dont tell.

If you tell her, one of two things will happen, either she will dump you and thats that. Who are we to say either of you would find happiness with someone else? Not everyone has a queue of suitors waiting outside of their door to treat them like queens/kings. If this is an otherwise great relationship with the potential to go the distance I wouldnt fuck it up for the sake of a mistake. But only if you know 100% that you can be trusted in future, only you know the answer to that.

Scenario 2 is that she does forgive you but this will potentially lead to a lot of insecurity for her. How would she trust you to go away again? I also think that if she forgives you, then actually you are more likely to cheat again because whenever people say they have caught their OH cheating and forgiven them, people respond “well your just giving them the green light to cheat again”.

Maybe you need to live with this guilt to remind you how close you came to losing everything and to ensure it doest happen again. You have to ask yourself some deep searching questions before you see her again and then you will know what to do.

I’m not sure I understand how you can be talking about marriage, saying she’s the one etc but were also feeling pressured about moving in together?

idontdowindows

I think the original poster has made a mistake, the actions have been hurtful and to confess compounds this. To be the person she deserves is to never do anything like it again ever.

I sit here and despair at everyone saying to keep it from the girlfriend.

How utterly, utterly treacherous. That is adding insult to injury.

Apparently the girlfriend doesn't deserve honesty from her partner.

What all of you are saying is "it's ok to cheat on your partner and to keep it from them, as long as you pretend that telling your partner is selfish".

If those are the basics of your relationships, I feel sorry for you. I really do. You're living a lie.

If I was your GF I'd rather not know tbh. Always remember how shit this has made you feel, and never repeat it.

Can’t help but feel if a woman was posting it would be a lot different.

You say you love her but are prepared to knock the ground from under her? You are prepared to hurt her so much so she may never trust you again?

Why? To make yourself feel better. There is no other interpretation of this. Live with the guilt. Learn from it and move on.

If my bf had ever cheated in this way I wouldn’t want to know. If he had a long standing affair which included lying, then yes, I’d want to know just so I could show him the door.

I'd tell her, but do make out that it just happened TO you.

Because if she feels that's what you believe how could she ever believe that it won't just happen TO you again!?

You have to say it how it was, you were detached from your real life, felt flattered, felt drunk and didn't nip the flattery in the bud. Tell her where you failed. You didn't walk AWAY from a flirtation. Tell her what you've learnt

She may or may not forgive you but how can she trust you if you are telling her that this just happened to you. Like you had nothing to do with it.

You say you love her but are prepared to knock the ground from under her? You are prepared to hurt her so much so she may never trust you again?

I would think of your point of view as:

You say you love someone but are prepared to spend the rest of your life/the relationship hiding the fact that you were unable to stay faithful to them? You are prepared to force them to live a lie and to think they know you and can trust you when really they don't and can't?

I agree with Idontwindows: if those are the basics of your relationships, I feel sorry for you

I dont know what to say about telling your girlfriend or not .
All i will say is that people make mistakes , sometimes v big ones and all you can do is learn from them and make sure never to repeat them again.

idontdowindows. We don’t all live in a perfect world where complete transparency is a given and nobody makes mistakes.

If OP is truly sorry and it was not preplanned and won’t be repeated, then NOTHING is gained by confessing. He deserves to feel guilty for a while because next time a similar situation arises (who has never been tempted?) he’ll remember the guilt and not do it.

Did you come?
Because that means it wasn't disgusting and you enjoyed it!

You sound a bit like you’re trying to convince yourself that she’s the one for you. As others have said, arguments and pressure to move in and cheating don’t suggest she’s the one for you. They suggest your relationship has run its course. Are you a bit scared of that, and hence this slightly hysterical insistence that she’s the one for you and it’s all become clear now ... think about it. You’ve got a couple of weeks to mull it over.

I’m amazed at people saying ‘she may not trust you for a while’! She will never trust you. End of.

It’s not ‘living a lie’ to protect someone you love.

Having a one night stand is relatively unimportant and a lesson learned. It’s going to be hard at first to come to terms with the guilt but eventually it will fade into the past provided it is not ‘confided’ to various friends.

If they're getting married etc this is the start of their relationship really. I think the gf deserves to start a relationship with her eyes open.

If they were married with kids my advice (for what it's worth) might be different but at the moment these two are deciding to set off on a relationship together. If she did decide to split up it would at least be simple. OP imagine she finds out about this 10 years down the line when you've got two kids and your lives are entwined in inextricable ways. You think it would feel any better then? Because it wouldn't, and she'd be trapped.

I know it's personal but if anyone has experience in cheating/being cheated on I would love to hear about it

Why?

Journalists ask questions like that.

People that have majorly fucked up ask how the hell to fix it, they don’t ask for stories of other people that have been betrayed.

I appreciate all the responses..

To those of you with very critical posts - I would have said exactly the same thing as you a few days ago.

I have acted completely immorally, I wanted to ground myself and see what others thought instead of being alone in my own head. I am panicking, not just about hurting someone I love so much but the fact that I did it, I did something I could never ever imagine doing.

I wish I had taken a bit more time to write my first post. I wish I had apportioned all of the blame to me. I wish I had stressed how much my gf means to me and how much I love her. Maybe I was trying to give my frame of mind but it came across wrong.

NOTHING is gained by confessing

Apart from his gf knowing the truth about him. But why would she want to know that, huh? Better to live in ignorant bliss!

It’s not ‘living a lie’ to protect someone you love.

What a gross way to twist the situation. Cheating on someone and then keeping it from them is not "protecting" them. It is protecting yourself.

Just tell her. Or (unless you're a real POS) you'll end up hiding it and feeling guilty for years.
I found out this week that my dh had an affair 18 years ago and lied to me numerous times. I'm devastated to not only have been cheated on, but to know he's been lying for so long, just because he couldn't own his actions. It's caused such more damage than owning up initially would do, I'm not sure how I can ever get over that knowledge.
Don't be as stupid as he is.

Going against everyone else - I wouldn't tell her. I'd feel disgusted with myself, but if the relationship was that important to me then I would probably apply the 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her'.

I often think that people who confess to cheating are purely doing it for themselves to feel better about it. If she will never find out then just leave it. If you tell her, one of two things will happen:

a) She leaves you
b) She stays but no longer trusts you, will throw it back in your face in every argument.

Neither of those things will make you happy. Chalk it up as a colossal mistake, and try and resist the selfish urge to confess all to try and purge your guilt. I think the way you will feel about this for the rest of your life is quite punishment enough.

I personally would either go back home right now to speak to the partner or call them. Nothing worse than being lied to which in not telling her straight away is being a phoney.

At least if u flew back home u are showing some effort on your partner to try and mend what u broke.

I definitely wouldn't wait 2 weeks!

Use the 2 weeks to think about what to do?-tell or not. If u don't tell her is she likely yo find out otherwise? Don't tell anyone else for now. If u know for sure u aren't goin yo do it again but u tell her then she may feel that she had to dump u or else it looks like she is givin u the ok to do it again (as someone else said). One question-what made u ask on here? If I was yr gf and u told me then it would always play on my mind and I'd never trust u again so would def dump u. Years ago went out wiv someone who kept lieing to me about lots of things, not sure that he actually cheated but it made me ill so dumped him took a longtime to recover.

I have no personal experience of this scenario but of my friends, those who have been cheated on mostly leave the cheater. Those who don't usually get cheated on again. Sorry, I think your head has been turned as your relationship has run its course. Please tell your girlfriend and end it.

FWIW, the fact you invited a woman to your room for a 'nap' - I mean really!! - and spent all that time chatting to her without once mentioning your girlfriend, suggests you very much were looking to cheat. Please stop seeing yourself as some sort of victim of circumstances. You may regret it, but it was your choice and you need to take responsibility for that.