I cheated, what the heck do i do now?

[johnco88]

I have been in a pit or terrible shame, anxiety and depression and of course it is all my fault.

I'm 30 and have a beautiful girlfiend who is 28, we have been together for a year and a half. I am away on business in Canada and went to an all day work party a few days ago. At this party I met someone cool, an English girl who was also here on business. We had been drinking all day and were feeling quite tired. I was staying at the hotel and she wasn't so she suggested we go and chill out/have a nap. That was my honest intention mainly out of lonliness but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me. She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there. There was and we had sex once and it was awful, disgusting, not enjoyable and I completely panicked afterwards and felt sick.

I asked her to leave straight away and lay there shaking all night.

I have always taken a very dim view of cheating and have never done it before. If I saw a post like this in a forum I would just think 'horrible person, you don't deserve my advice' but now I am in this situation.

There is one thing for sure, I will never ever do this again. I've had my ups and downs over 30 years but the last few days have been the worst. I haven't eaten or slept, I can't do anything I just sit about hating myself more and more.

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one. My immediate instinct is to blab to her straight away and hope she forgives me.

I'm sure I will receive a fair amount of abuse but I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this situation before? How did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Likewise has anoyone been treated like this before?

Look at the bigger picture, not just this situation.

I'm not sure what smells most like bullshit.

The part where a thirty year old man in a relationship asks a woman to his hotel for "nap time".

The part where it was totally innocent and she just jumped on his dick with the condom he gave her.

The part where a thirty year old man with commitment issues then posts on Mumsnet of all places to ask for advice.

Or the part where he asks for stories of partners cheating on each other

I asked for personal examples because I am shocked by what I did, I didn't enjoy any part of it. People have pointed out that maybe I am trying to get out of the relationship but that's the last thing I want.

Yet I did it, I was wondering if anyone has cheated on someone they loved so much and why they think they did. Maybe this isn't the place for personal questions but I don't really have anyone else to ask.

Do I tell her the cold facts and leave it at that?
Tell her you cheated on your trip. That it happened once. That you immediately regretted it.
Confessing may mean the end of the relationship... but you don't want to get to the point of marriage with this lie.

There's a very supportive website called www.survivinginfidelity.com

If you join and post in the wayward forum... you'll get good honest (sometimes harsh) support without any insults, from others who have cheated.

You can gain a lot by just reading the forum too.

It also helps to understand how your GF will feel when you tell her. Look in the JFO (just found out) section to see what the betrayed spouse goes through.

You forgave her ... I'd find it somewhat hypocritical if she couldn't do the same... almost like she felt entitled.

What brought you to MN OP?

"I wish I had apportioned all of the blame to me"

But you didn't, which is telling. But getting friendly enough with someone to invite them back to your room, without ever having dropped into conversation that you had a girlfriend ... that's entirely a conscious choice made soberly. Personally if I want to make friends at a work/social do I'll gravitate towards members of my own sex first as I'm more likely to share something in common with them. You're rewriting history as some poor passive bystander in all this because the alternative is to acknowledge you're nothing more than a sneaky opportunist cheat and genuinely believe that about yourself.

OK can you fly back home now?

I asked for personal examples because I am shocked by what I did, I didn't enjoy any part of it. People have pointed out that maybe I am trying to get out of the relationship but that's the last thing I want.

Sure.

When we're done telling stories of cuckolding our husbands for you to wank to you can go apologise to your fictitious girlfriend.

Genuinely, if you have a condom with you when you travel, if you were thinking "is this the rest of my life", if you think it's ok to take "naps" with random strangers, you have to tell her and tell her everything.

I've been with my DH 33 years and without honesty, you have nothing.

I think you are thinking she's the one because you're panicking. I don't think she is the one, or none of this would've happened.

It is best to lay all of this out on the table, even your doubts before you cheated. If your relationship survives, then all well and good, if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

This is a crossroads in your life, don't take the easy path, take the right one or you will be regretting it in 10 years time, when there are children and a divorce to think about.

You need to be brave about this, for both your sakes.

You didn't enjoy any part of it, yet you got an erection and carried it out to the very end. Then when you got your fill, you chucked the woman out. Now you feel guilty and want us to tell you everything will be okay.
It won't.

I chose to post here after browsing various different sites. I didn't like how one sided some were just saying 'what they don't know won't hurt them'. I found an older post on here with a fair balance of points so I decided to post. Every situation is different and I wanted to tell my story. If nothing else just to put it into words what I'd done. After putting it to words I realised (and was told) that I was still off the mark. I still hadn't properly taken responsibility for it. I was blaming the other women, I was blaming my girlfriend who wanted me desperately to move closer to her home in order to see each other more.

I don't consider myself a bad person but does anyone? This is the first time I have ever done anything like this. It will be the last time.

I made exactly the same mistake 20 years ago

You invited a man in to your room for a nap and he suddenly jumped on top of you?

How did you manage the erection during the "disgusting" sex?

"I hate it when I'm trying to have a group nap and the other person just totally gets the wrong end of the stick and assumed my erection was not to do with exhaustion."

Firs thing you need to do is send her a message telling her you have the worst night of your life.

Tell her how freaked out you are, tell her how your shaking, you upset and your confused.

Let her hear, before the details, how this is effecting you.

I personally think sending a message gives her time to process this and answer it in a way she can be in control.

Don't say too much, don't send a million messages about it. But make sure before telling her what happened, you show her how freaked out you were, and how your the wrost person in the world etc.

Also tell her asap, the longer you wait, the more trust you are losing with her.

You sound like a total knob. Reading through the posts I'm sure I'm in the minority with what I'm about to say but if you've truly learned your lesson, you know for sure you want to be with her, and there's absolutely no way she could find out, then don't tell her, just learn your lesson.

If this is all true, then anyone who knows you or her would probably guess this is you so bit daft of you really to explain in so much detail.

Do you want graphic detail?

I couldn't really. It happened but it came to nothing, it was 2 minutes of fumbling.

Just to add- my h was thoroughly disgusted by his own actions apparently, begged for forgiveness, swore he would never act that way again, went on and on about how he wanted nothing but to stay with me.
It was all too little too late for me though.

@thefuckiswrongwithyou
That's exactly what I'm failing to understand and he is avoiding answering.
How did he manage an erection and to finish the deed getting his fill if it was so digusting!.
I'm sorry to be so taboo.. But if he can't answer that, then the truth is he did enjoy it and this is all about his guilt! Because if he didn't enjoy it, he would have stopped himself. So its all a load of utter bollocks and he should let his one true love make the decision for herself!

Not to mention the fact it's an old condom and there is a slight chance of pregnancy.
Some people are utterly stupid!

I'm also in the minority. If there is no chance of her finding out, don't confess.
Live with your guilt and don't ever do it again. If you tell her and she decides to stay, this will contaminate your relationship forever. She will always have the moral high ground and rightly so.
However, only you know if you are able to keep this sordid secret for ever.
If you do decide to confess, do it ASAP, or never.

Johnco88 do you think your ready to move in with your girlfriend?

It's just you don't sound to sure and I wonder if the sleeping with someone else is because your panicking about the big move?
Your way of seeing weather if you should be with your girlfriend and weather you should move in with her!

As for telling her,only tell her if your doing it for her sake and not for yours,not so you can relieve some of your guilt or so you can force her to end things(if that's what you want but don't want to have to be the one to end it)or to make her pull out of the living together because your to scared to.

Telling her has to be all about her and how she'll feel not about you and any guilt your feeling and be honest with yourself if you've cheated once when your facing a big decision in your relationship how do you know it won't happen again,if you decide to get engaged/have a child/get married,can you honestly say it won't happen again?

So she cheated at the start of your relationship (not acceptable) but she had the balls to tell you and face the consequences of her actions.

But you are considering not even giving her the same courtesy and want to worm your way out of being honest with her? So she is "the one" but you want to disrespect her by not giving her all the information she deserves to be able to make an informed choice about her relationship with you?

Please grow a set of balls like she did. I agree it shouldn't wait 2 weeks as if it was me I would wonder what excuses you were concocting in that time. Arrange a Skype video chat and tell her today. It's the decent thing to do, and (IMO) as some PP's have said she may forgive you because she has had previous transgressions as well. This is the chance you take and the cross you bare for your stupid CHOICES.

If you genuinely feel this was out of character for you, and you don't think it will happen again, then don't tell her but go and get yourself tested before you have sex with her again. Some sti's can be passed on even when using a condom. If your DP gets a diagnosis of herpes in 3 months you won't need to tell her anything, she'll work it out for herself...