I cheated, what the heck do i do now?

[johnco88]

I have been in a pit or terrible shame, anxiety and depression and of course it is all my fault.

I'm 30 and have a beautiful girlfiend who is 28, we have been together for a year and a half. I am away on business in Canada and went to an all day work party a few days ago. At this party I met someone cool, an English girl who was also here on business. We had been drinking all day and were feeling quite tired. I was staying at the hotel and she wasn't so she suggested we go and chill out/have a nap. That was my honest intention mainly out of lonliness but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me. She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there. There was and we had sex once and it was awful, disgusting, not enjoyable and I completely panicked afterwards and felt sick.

I asked her to leave straight away and lay there shaking all night.

I have always taken a very dim view of cheating and have never done it before. If I saw a post like this in a forum I would just think 'horrible person, you don't deserve my advice' but now I am in this situation.

There is one thing for sure, I will never ever do this again. I've had my ups and downs over 30 years but the last few days have been the worst. I haven't eaten or slept, I can't do anything I just sit about hating myself more and more.

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one. My immediate instinct is to blab to her straight away and hope she forgives me.

I'm sure I will receive a fair amount of abuse but I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this situation before? How did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Likewise has anoyone been treated like this before?

1. You take condoms on a trip away where you know there is a possibility of an opportunity to have sex
2. A girl you barely knew inappropriately suggested you went to your hotel room to chill out - you didn't say no
3. You turned the lights down in your hotel room - to encourage what was going to happen next
4. She got suddenly got undressed - you didn't say stop
5. She suddenly got on top of you - you didn't say what the fuck is going on get off me!
6. You have sex

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one.

She isn't "the one" or you would have thought about her and stopped waaaaaay before it got to 6). You had so many opportunities to realise what you were doing and stop but you didn't, you were an proactive participant the whole way through.

It you care about your girlfriend at all let her go and find someone who deserves her, don't let her waste anymore time on you. Whether you tell her its because you cheated or not (I think you should so she is clear its your fault and doesn't blame herself) it up to you, but let her go.

Be honest. Take it as a sign that this relationship is not enough for you and both of you deserve more.

You knew it was wrong right from the start-you don't let someone come to your room who you've just met, that's where you went wrong.

I advise telling your girlfriend as it'll eat you up inside like you won't believe.

I appreciate all responses. I definitely could have worded my first post better.

I am responsible for my actions, yes there was another person there but I was not shifting the blame. I wanted to give some context as I am not a predator who preplanned this. I am honestly truly disgusted by what I've done.

Am I only telling her to ease my guilt? I don't know, I just feel like it is the right thing to do.

I love her so much, I always have, since day one. I don't understand why I have done this now at 30, to the women I have loved the most. Only I will be able to work that out.

Maybe I am being too optimistic, but I make her so happy (well I used to) and hope this can continue. More than anything I'd love her to understand that this will absolutely never happen again. I'm not telling her through fear of being found out.

I’m also going with the minority view. Telling your gf will not be beneficial to her, you’ll feel better, she will be devastated. Learn from this and never do it again. Go home and put lots more effort into making her happy.

I don't know why some points stand out so much. I did not take condoms away with me in order to have sex. There's only so much you can stress things over text.

She is the one for me. She is. I messed up, she might leave me but she is the one. I absolutely love everything about her, yes we fight, long distance isn't easy but I know if she can forgive me that I am ready to give my life to her.

I know it's personal but if anyone has experience in cheating/being cheated on I would love to hear about it.

It wasn't a 'she fell on my penis scenario' but it 'just happened'. Please.

I've been cheated on. I ended the relationship immediately and moved on with my life.

And to me that is far preferable than staying in a "happy" relationship with someone who cheated on me but never told me about. That sounds truly awful.

I’d tell her because you knew when she was cheating on you multiple times at the beginning and forgave her so she might forgive you.

I agree that you might not be as happy as you think you are. People in happy relationships with the person they are sure is right for them really don’t go to hotel rooms with people they’re attracted to, or fall into bed with them.

Focus on how you really feel about your gf. Right now, you’re panicking about what you could lose and where you’re going to live when you move. Those aren’t reasons to stay with her. Jus because the sex was awful and you now feel bad, doesn’t mean you didn’t intend for it to happen. On some level, you did. Or you’d have realised you thought she was attractive and steered clear going back to your room by yourself.

Did you tell the woman who were in a serious relationship?

She is better off without you!

I just feel like it is the right thing to do.

It is. If you love her, you will allow her to make her own choices based on all the information, instead of making her unknowingly complicit in living a lie.

I cannot stress this enough. If you love her, you will tell her. She deserves to know, even if she will be devastated for a while.

Did you find out from them? How long had you been together and did you ever consider giving it a chance?

Being cheated on is truly shit, since you ask. And being told it meant nothing is one of the most soul destroying my hurtful things. If it didn’t mean anything, why risk everything you had and claim to value with a meaningless fuck with a stranger.

I cheated on my ex, confession was about me getting forgiveness and reducing guilt!. He was devastated! I was selfish firstly for cheating and then for looking for absolution.

I would keep quiet, be the person your girlfriend deserves and if you can't do that, you must leave her to find someone better.

Had you not cheated, do you think you’d be feeling so strongly about your girlfriend? You keep saying how she’s the one, how much you love her and she’s the best person you will ever meet (sorry, I’m paraphrasing) but I wonder how much of this is genuinely how you feel about her and how much of it is a knee-jerk reaction triggered by what you’ve done.

I think you need to take a step back and think about why you did this and how happy you really are in your relationship before you go on to make declarations of love and promises that ring hollow in the long run.

be the person your girlfriend deserves

So the girlfriend deserves a lying cheater? Not an honest partner?

"Yes we fight"...

It wasn't until I was in a genuinely healthy relationship that I realised that fighting doesn't actually have to be part of a normal loving relationship.

What do you fight about this early on?

I can't say that fear of losing her is making me overemphasise how much I love her.

We have talked about marriage, we have spoken about how we can't ever see ourselves apart. She is my best friend, the women I have been most attracted to ever, the person that has made me the happiest.

It wasn't until I was in a genuinely healthy relationship that I realised that fighting doesn't actually have to be part of a normal loving relationship.

This. It's mazing how much people seem to attempt to justify being in poor relationships by saying things like "I really love her" and "he's the one", but I guess if you have no experience of an actual good relationship, it's hard to have perspective.

I also can't believe how many people think living with a lying partner is better than knowing you're partner is a cheat and choosing for yourself whether to live with them or not. That's an extremely submissive standpoint in my opinion, and if I ever found out a partner was treating me like that I would see it as lower than low. Much, much worse than just being a cheat.

To answer an earlier point the women I slept with didn't know I was in a relationship.

woman*

So you chatted for ages but neglected to mention the one true love of your life?

It depends on you really and whether you have a need to get it off your chest.

If its properly a one off and there is no prospect of her finding out, I wouldn't tell her myself because the purpose of telling her isn't to be honest it is to assauge your own guilty. The fall out will be disproportionate to the offence. It's likely you will break up. If the relationship is basically good, you had safe sex and it will genuinely not happen again if it was me, I'd rather not know because the hurt would be out of proportion to what happened.

This depends on you being able to put it out of your mind and move on.

If you aren't going to be able to do that, then you will need to confess. I see why many people are saying you must tell her, but I don't agree with that as I've said. If it is something that will dog you with guilt for ever, then rip off the plaster now and live with the consequences. She will probably dump you though and even if she doesn't, she will always not trust you if you are going on a business trip. Do you want a relationship like that forever?

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

I'm not going to join in the witch hunt @johnco88

You are human, we all make mistakes. It sounds to me as if you were not 100% sure about your current relationship. It's perfectly understandable that the prospect of upheaval and moving in together has rattled you. It's almost as if you've tested yourself and failed the test, hence the extreme reaction you say you had afterwards shaking etc.

I think you want your relationship and life with your gf to work but I think deep down you probably know that something just isn't right.

My advice would be to say absolutely nothing to no-one, not a soul until you really have worked out what you want.

Confessing all to your gf just now will cause a shit storm and even if she gives you another chance it'll never be forgotten and will be cast up In every argument you'll ever have. Also, if you need to travel with work again this is going to be a massive issue for her to trust you and may feel like you are torn between your relationship and work.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to move in together, take time out and re-assess your life.

Also, is it entirely possible you are sub consciously looking for a way out?