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Original poster

I cheated, what the heck do i do now?

155 replies

johnco88 · 06/05/2018 10:50

I have been in a pit or terrible shame, anxiety and depression and of course it is all my fault.

I'm 30 and have a beautiful girlfiend who is 28, we have been together for a year and a half. I am away on business in Canada and went to an all day work party a few days ago. At this party I met someone cool, an English girl who was also here on business. We had been drinking all day and were feeling quite tired. I was staying at the hotel and she wasn't so she suggested we go and chill out/have a nap. That was my honest intention mainly out of lonliness but all of a sudden she was undressed and on top of me. She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there. There was and we had sex once and it was awful, disgusting, not enjoyable and I completely panicked afterwards and felt sick.

I asked her to leave straight away and lay there shaking all night.

I have always taken a very dim view of cheating and have never done it before. If I saw a post like this in a forum I would just think 'horrible person, you don't deserve my advice' but now I am in this situation.

There is one thing for sure, I will never ever do this again. I've had my ups and downs over 30 years but the last few days have been the worst. I haven't eaten or slept, I can't do anything I just sit about hating myself more and more.

The relationship like many has had its ups and downs. She has been with other people whilst with me but that was much nearer the start. It was going well recently but a major sticking point was that she had put lots of pressure on me to move in with her. I have and I got a bit worried just thinking 'this is the rest of my life now.'

After this incident and learning how much she really does mean to me. I'm sure that she is the one. My immediate instinct is to blab to her straight away and hope she forgives me.

I'm sure I will receive a fair amount of abuse but I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this situation before? How did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Likewise has anoyone been treated like this before?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/05/2018 12:01

Wait till you get home. Be up front and honest...you forgave her. Doesn't matter if it was at the beginning....as long as you were exclusive at the time.

Once she knows...the choice is hers.

You said you felt pressured to move in with her ... be sure that you're ready for it.

A little tip .. don't reveal identifiable information, like the city you live in or where you've travelled to online.

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 12:03

You are both right and I will never forgive myself. I honestly mean that, you think you know yourself and you do the worst thing to the best person in your life.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 06/05/2018 12:05

FuckingHateRain
I asked her to leave straight away
Oh the gentleman you are!!

He has just cheated on his gf and you are having problems with this!

Aria2015 · 06/05/2018 12:05

I'm afraid you need to tell her. She needs to know so she can decide whether or not to stay with you. If you don't tell her then your relationship essentially isn't genuine as she's with some she thinks has always been faithful to her. You risk losing her but that is the consequence of cheating I'm afraid. It might just have to be a horrible learning curve for you and something you always regret. The truth is you did have a choice, even in those few minutes between getting off the bed and retrieving the condom, you could have stopped it or just lied and said you didn't have one. It was a bad choice and most bad choices come with bad consequences I'm afraid.

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 12:11

All I want to do now is make it the easiest it can possibly be for her. Do I tell her the cold facts and leave it at that? Do I tell her I will beg for forgiveness everyday and absolutely never do this again? Has anyone been on either end of this situation.

I won't do it again, you're all right about me going through with several steps to make it happen but I can't live with the guilt. I imagine her being nice and cute and funny and surprising me and everytime she does I just think 'I am the biggest scumbag on ther earth'.

She may be better off without me, but I also want her to know how much I regret this, how much I really do love her. That sounds ridiculous after my actions I know, but it is true.

OP posts:
eggsandchips · 06/05/2018 12:12

Tell her, if she has any sense she will give you the heave-ho.

FuckingHateRain · 06/05/2018 12:12

BoneyBackJefferson
Yes I have a problem with his shit attitude towards females . She's a human being as well, she's not a whore! His comment also make it sound like everything is ok as he asked her to leave

What a bullshiter you are OP! Go and read your posts justifying your actions, felt pressure, felt alone etc. You give zero respect you ll get the same. Be a considerate human being and do the right thing for your gf

qazxc · 06/05/2018 12:13

You need to tell your girlfriend, she can then decide whether to continue the relationship or not. Either way, I wouldn't count on moving in with her.
Also you need to take more responsibilities for your actions :
You decided to get drunk with the " cool" girl.
You invited her to your hotel room
You didn't turn her down when she came on to you
You had a condom on your wash bag that you went looking for.
You had sex willingly.

Don't blame the drink, the loneliness or the fact you think your girlfriend has pressured you into moving in.
I also doubt she'll want to hear your self pitying.
Personally, I'd rather know sooner than later. So probably a text saying you need to talk about something serious with an arrangement for a Skype call. This way it's face to face if she has any questions and she has a couple of weeks to digest the news before you come back.
Don't just do a text, it's cowardly and you don't know where she'll be when she gets it. Nobody wants to find put their partner has been cheating in the middle of Tesco or at work.
Also I don't think it fair for her to be planning your welcome home only to be floored by the revelation.

Idontdowindows · 06/05/2018 12:14

It just happened

As long as you keep saying that you have not accepted full responsibility.

It didn't just happen. You chose to make it happen.

Either which way, you need to tell your girlfriend. And none of this "it just happened" bollocks either, that is just pretending you couldn't help it and is language that serves to diminish your part in it.

poppyinbloom · 06/05/2018 12:14

What strikes me is that in the entire post it seems like it's completely this other woman's fault and OP had NOTHING to do with this at all. Like he's totally innocent and a woman literally threw her naked body on top of him. I don't like the lack of taking responsibility. There had to have been some sort of cue or flirting going on before this on his part. And he just happened to have that condom. I mean, come on.

DiegoMadonna · 06/05/2018 12:16

Even if you hadn't had sex inviting another woman you've not known for long back to your hotel room even if just for a chat shows a massive lack of boundaries

A chat and a nap 😂Puh-leeease.

Yeah, my advice is to tell her in person when you get back. You've only been together 18 months, you've both cheated, the relationship has already had its ups and downs, and you're not keen on committing. Sounds like you need to break up anyway. Relationships shouldn't be this rocky after just a year and a half.

ittakes2 · 06/05/2018 12:16

I think deep down its your conscious saying you are not ready for this next step with your girlfriend. She might be fantastic and you might love her, but she might not be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. For me, just inviting this girl into your room for a 'nap' would be enough for me to see a problem in this relationship. The time it took to look for a condom - you had ample time to put the breaks on and you choose not to. Tell your girlfriend everything - she deserves this much. If you have any hope of a future, you need to be honest with her anyway.

SoapOnARoap · 06/05/2018 12:17

You obviously aren’t happy in your relationship as you wouldn’t have cheated. Bin off your gf as soon as, take some time out as a singleton & find out what you really want. Remember you don’t have to be in a relationship. Maybe FWB or fuck buddy arrangement, is more up your street.

Learn from it, do the right thing with your gf & don’t cheat again. It’s scummy

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 06/05/2018 12:18

Oh dear. You must tell her and the. She can make an informed decision about going forward. Or not.

You made the choice to let this happen. Be honest with yourself and her.

ittakes2 · 06/05/2018 12:18

also, it sounds like you either did not mention to this girl you had a girlfriend - or you were giving her enough signals you were up for it for this girl to make a move on you.

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 12:20

Please don't obsess on me having a condom, it is the same washbag I use all the time and what I carry when going on holiday with my Girlfriend. It was not a 'I might get lucky' condom.

As for taking full responsibility, you are competely right and as I said earlier, there were a number of steps that I took which made it happen.

This is my fault.

OP posts:
AltheaorDonna · 06/05/2018 12:23

I’m sorry but you went for a nap? You’re fooling no-one mate.

Olympiathequeen · 06/05/2018 12:23

I’m going totally against the trend here!
Say nothing to your girlfriend. Ever

Live with the guilt and forget all the nonsense about having to share every secret you’ve ever had with your loved one.

You can love them just as deeply and care for them for the rest of your life without having to go through the horrible revelation of your cheating. In the grand scheme of cheating it was very minor.

You weren’t preparing to cheat, you lost control, you feel awful and you realise how much you don’t ever want to cheat again. You know this is a one off. You were 100% in the wrong and not a victim, but these things happen.

What is achieved by telling her? You will destroy the trust you have built up. She will be devastated. She may even finish with you. Either way her opinion will diminish and it may destroy what could have been a great relationship for both of you.

You, of course, will have your conscience eased. Frankly you don’t deserve to have it eased. You need to learn from the mistake and never make it again. If you are genuinely remorseful and an otherwise decent guy (only you can know this) learn the lesson and then bury it. If you confess it will be for yourself and not her and just a selfish act.

Original poster
johnco88 · 06/05/2018 12:23

It's also not a rocky relationship. If we lived in the same place we may not be moving in together, but as I am relocating to be with her we had fewer options.

I absolutely love her to bits. Yes we had our ups and downs, fights etc. But I can honestly say at 30, she is the best women I have ever met and ever will meet.

OP posts:
Cindie943811A · 06/05/2018 12:27

OP you must be prepared for the whole nature of your relationship to change. GF will be hurt and may never truly trust you again, even if she gives you another chance. If your job requires you to travel then how will you both deal with the tensions that will arise?
Tell your GF face to face and let her decide and if you break up do the honourable thing and make it as easy for her as possible in the circumstances. If she decides to forgive you you are not entitled to become irritable etc if she voices her insecurity about your future trustworthiness.

DiegoMadonna · 06/05/2018 12:28

But I can honestly say at 30, she is the best women I have ever met and ever will meet.

Well all you can do now is tell her what you did and see if she still thinks you're the best man she's ever met.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/05/2018 12:29

I think you have to tell her. She may end things or it may be that (over years, possibly) you can try to regain her trust, but I do think you have to tell her. For lots of reason, but not least ...

"She I asked if I had a condom, I have used the same wash bag for years and knew there might be one in there."

... if you used a 'years' old condom, you could also be telling her about a pregnancy in a short while.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 06/05/2018 12:30

She wanted to go up to chill and have a nap with you in the hotel bedroom ?? Your intentions were all innocent ?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Jog on !

Idontdowindows · 06/05/2018 12:30

What is achieved by telling her?

She will be able to make a decision about their continued relationship on the basis of the truth.

You will destroy the trust you have built up.

And rightly so. He cannot be trusted. She is wrong to trust him.

it may destroy what could have been a great relationship for both of you.

A relationship based on lies is not a great relationship.

If you confess it will be for yourself and not her and just a selfish act.

Bovines and their excrement comes to mind. It is selfish not to confess as it denies her the chance to make her own decisions based on the information she requires. Not confessing means he gets to go on as if nothing happened and she gets to live a lie.

Crinkle77 · 06/05/2018 12:33

Everyone seems to be giving you a hard time which you deserve. However you do seem genuinely remorseful so will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not a complete pig. I think this girl isn't the one for you. You are freaked out by the commitment and the cheating is a result of that. If you are not sure about your girlfriend finish it now before you get further in to the relationship.