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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lets have a bit of Summer Lovin' - Dating Thread 133!

999 replies

Jaxinthebox · 03/05/2018 07:29

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
esk1mo · 29/05/2018 13:24

lechat i’d be snooping Blush

VetOnCall · 29/05/2018 13:46

I actually agree with a lot of what Xiola said, although not all of it. Specifically these bits:

don't chase.

If they aren't acting like you want, move on and don't waste time. It's a numbers game and it pays to date more than one at a time.

Unless you have healthy confidence and self esteem, work on that first before venturing out.

I do let them ask for most of the dates at the beginning, but I'll make suggestions if there's something I particularly want to do (or don't).

MargoLovebutter · 29/05/2018 15:20

I'm back. Off the smitten bench & a single pringle (as DS likes to say) again!

Just as well I'm having therapy anyway, as I need it to unravel how I managed to get taken in for 3 months by 'Mr Blurred Lines Where Truth Ends & Fantasy Begins'! He wasn't still married, which I suppose is something, but a whole tonne of fucked up shit going on that I didn't wheedle out of him for quite some time. Trying not to beat myself up about it too much but learn lessons & move on.

Will try and catch up with the thread. Any success stories to cheer me up?

VetOnCall · 29/05/2018 16:22

Ah, sorry to hear that Margo... I'm being rubbish but can you remind me who you were with? Were you Mr Farmer or have I got that totally wrong? Sorry if I have!

lookingforbutterflies · 29/05/2018 16:25

Oh no Margo - sorry to hear that.

I'm feeling meh today. Suns shining and not a sign of an iron here.

MargoLovebutter · 29/05/2018 16:44

Vet, I'm not sure who I was with!!!!!! (May have called him Mr Farmer or MrWelshboy.) Once I peeled back the veneer of reinvention there was a writhing mass of ugly underneath.

I couldn't work out whether he'd just made some astoundingly bad decisions or whether there was a past history of DV, but that and the fact that he'd covered stuff up and really did seem unable to completely grasp where truth ended and untruth started made me run for the hills.

It has been troubling to say the least. Desperately trying not to feel chumpy.

Xiolablueviolet · 29/05/2018 16:45

Yes, I've found it works. Like I say evan Marc katz is very good. I tend to agree with a lot he says, even though a lot used to be counter intuitive at first.

A few comments to replies:

I sit back and let them ask me, they do all the calling and initiating at first. I am always 'very pleased to hear from them' but I don't initiate. Doing this they want the date far more. I don't get stood up or flakes or No shows anymore as they had to earn it. As a result it's the prize they have worked for. Men don't value what they don't work for.

If they are not communicating well at the beginning it doesn't bode well for the future. It's supposed to be the part where they are acting their best. If I hadn't had confirmation of a date I would not call them to find out if it was on. I would do something else instead. They always come back and try again but it's usually too late by then, unless they had a major and genuine issue, they lost their chance. My time is valuable and I deserve it to be respected. Boundaries and standards.

I will of course suggest things I like to do but not directly, good men listen and will want to impress you and surprise you. It works better that way. And then I am very pleased and thank them for their efforts. But I still don't initiate. Until exclusivity and a proper relationship is established.

By not chasing you hold the power. You get to choose what happens but it makes them think they have it. Simple but true. Doesn't mean you act aloof or mean or bitchy, happy and fulfilled and thankful for their time and efforts yes. But men pursue and hunt. It's nature.

Bit pushed for time but that's about it I think.

Check out evan he is good

VetOnCall · 29/05/2018 17:39

That was the one I was thinking of then Margo. I'm really sorry to hear what's happened. Sounds like you've done well to realise what he's really like and ditch him so quickly; you should give yourself major kudos for that because not everyone does - just read the threads on this board!

CoverMeLads · 29/05/2018 20:19

Oi oi.

Sod all going on here dating wise; work is massively busy and I now have the round of 50s parties starting and a few weddings coming up (younger people, so have a feeling I’ll be in the corner with the Nans going “oooh this modern music is RUBBISH” with a cat’s bum mouth, whilst eyeing up the drunk uncles).

Plus a friend of mine and the best friend of another friend have terminal diagnoses so am emotionally pretty depleted at the moment.

That said, I just wanted to chime in to agree with Xiola and Vet; that’s how I played it when I was dating and all bar one of my dates wanted to see me again (and I’m old and portly). That approach might not be feminist, or particularly modern, but it’s basic human nature and I don’t think we’ve evolved that much that it’s not there beneath the surface.

Anyhow, good luck to you all and I shall continue to lurk, sporadically.

waves at those that remember me

RunsforCake14 · 29/05/2018 21:12

Just gone onto Match to see if there is any activity. A nice looking guy has viewed my profile a couple of hours ago. So I decide to send him a message.
But I can't! He's blacklisted me i.e. blocked me. I've never contacted him before or anything. Is this the new way of weeding out the ones you aren't interested in?

Hi Cover good to hear you're still around

ShirleyValentine74 · 29/05/2018 21:23

Hi all, I’ve been a long time watcher and it’s great to feel I’m not the only one who goes through the crap that is OLD.
I’ve had the ones that you have a really good conversations with, then they disappear. The ones who talk sex talk straight away. The younger ones wanting older women who they think are more experienced (not necessarily in my case) the ones who disappear after a couple of dates, some even then reappear without explanation. Well the thing, throughout this is I have a FB who has made it clear that there will be no relationship which was fine. But now I am starting to develop feelings for. I think it’s because he has been the longest constant in my life since the divorce and I’m sick of all the shit men that I’ve come across. His messages are the ones my heart skips for (he messages most days) and they always make me happy. I need to get a grip as I know this won’t lead anywhere and have deleted his number so many times and even told him we should end this but he always manages to persuade me not to. I think I need a good telling off by you sensible people on here.

LeChatDeNuit · 29/05/2018 21:31

Runs that’s bizarre Confused I’ve never heard of that before. Are you sure he didn’t delete or take down his profile?

RunsforCake14 · 29/05/2018 21:52

LeChat on Match it tells you that you've been blacklisted. I looked at his profile and then clicked to send a message. But it wouldn't let me. Said "this member has blacklisted you".
I've been blacklisted before after sending an initial message. Seems to be a Match thing. If you don't like the look of someone block them and you don't have to see them again.

MargoLovebutter · 29/05/2018 22:00

Blimey that seems harsh Runs. That’s why I never message first, i can’t deal with that stuff.

Shirley, I think you should stop seeing the FB. Sounds like the road to heartbreak otherwise.

Thanks Vet - I’m trying to see it that way.

meowimacat · 29/05/2018 22:51

Argh I need to catch up again. Just wondering what you girls would do in this situation.

Got a date tomorrow night, the guy was in Poland when we matched on Bumble but we sent some messages back and forth for a short while and agreed to a date. Then for about 4 days I didn't hear from him - although clearly he was using the app whilst away. So he got back yesterday and I had one message from him checking I was still up for our date (which is tomorrow) today he contacted me again to say a time. I asked for his number which he sent.

Tonight I sent a text asking how he was...and my gut tells me he's on a date tonight. He's not responded all evening I sent it hours ago.

Is it just me or do you like some effort before a date? This guy briefly spoke to me when we matched, set a date and then hasn't bothered to contact me at all until now and even then it's been one message and literally just checking we're still on. For me it's off putting but I've been burned quite bad and I'm so wary of anyone. I just like the idea of effort, and I feel like this guy (who is very good looking) clearly has a lot of attention. I just don't know whether to cancel or go.

Chocmallows · 30/05/2018 00:16

Meow hold your nerve and go on the date. He may be on a date tonight, but so could you have been. You can't get overly concerned unless you have met a few times and are exclusive. His lack of messages is an amber flag, because it's not what you want, but he hasn't done anything wrong yet?

Shirley I think you should steer clear of your FB too. Sadly it would be hard to turn it even towards friends now as he has successfully encouraged you to continue, despite knowing it is hurting your feelings.

I'm chatting to several on pof. Moved one to WA, he seemed ideal until he shared one piece of news. I could call him Mr I may be leaving your city soon Mr Imblycs, instead I'll call him Mr Tall. Yes the issue is possible unavailability again.

MyUsername200 · 30/05/2018 06:52

Meow I agree with a previous poster, hold your nerve and go on the date. Some people like to have small talk to set the date, then when it's set they won't speak much until the actual meeting. I suppose it's a good way to not get over invested but can come across as 'making not much effort.' I've had it happen to me a few times and it's nothing bad, but I understand it can feel a bit rubbish when you want to find out more about them and they've gone a bit quiet. See how he is on the first date and take it from there.

Thenewphaseofmylife · 30/05/2018 08:09

What a terrible week I'm having - dating wise.

So after being stood up on Monday,
MrMillbank cancels our second date for the weekend but only when I double check he is still on.

MrTrain turns out to be living with someone - I found out from Facebook research. This really hurts as we have been on two dates, had a real connection and accidently he met my daughter. Also we get the same train to work so that's going to be fun.

Then 3 other promising conversations decide I am too confident, too serious and to tall and stop talking.

Just so disappointed and pissed off. Is this my life now?

lookingforbutterflies · 30/05/2018 09:13

It's my life too @Thenewphaseofmylife . I feel like I'm on some weird Trueman style show.

I started chatting to Mr Travel last night who I sort of know IRL. Things were going great... until he told me he's off travelling for TWO years in two weeks.

I give up.

Xiolablueviolet · 30/05/2018 09:30

Meow- go on the date. But never text to ask how they are. It's chasing behaviour. Confident women with options don't behave like that. They have too much other stuff going on to send texts to men asking how they are. Men ask you how you are, not the other way around.

It's hard work and time consuming to meet someone. Hence my earlier comment re it being a numbers game. You need to go on lots of dates, have fun on them and then forget them and not give them a second thought. Do not initiate. Thank them on the date and say if you had a good time at the time. Do not text afterwards. You'll know within a couple of days if they want to see you again. I give them 5 days max afterwards. But in the main I get a text or a call the same night or the next day to say how much they want to see me again and when am I free? Then I decide if I want to see them again, I make all the decisions. I'm not worried because I haven't had a reply etc because I'm not chasing.

Good luck on the date meow.

RunsforCake14 · 30/05/2018 10:27

Can I join the "I give up" bench as well?
It may be a numbers game but if the numbers won't even start initial communication then there's nothing I can do to get anywhere close to a date. I've tried messaging first, waiting for them, new photos, new profile. Taken advice from friends, here, anywhere I can but nothing has worked.
So after being blocked for just having "the wrong profile" on Match I've deleted my account. I'm hidden on POF for now.
I'm off to do something more constructive with my time.

Thenewphaseofmylife · 30/05/2018 10:40

Hi run. I'll keep you a spot on the give up bench while you do something better. I can't be motivated today. And so am going to mope around feeling fed up, exasperated and confused.

I get the hits, am great with the text, but it all goes wrong from there!!

LeChatDeNuit · 30/05/2018 11:22

This has been my experience too, until now... if this one doesn’t work out I’m having a break. It’s exhausting.

Xiolablueviolet · 30/05/2018 11:46

Ok I understand. It's tough. Sometimes it's less fruitful than others and a break is required. But.

Don't give up. It's hard and it is frustrating. Accept that it will be.

Don't let one man (one man!) dictate your life.

So what, he didn't like you. There are thousands more that will.

Don't let one man decide you don't deserve a good one. Don't let them have that kind of power.

Xiolablueviolet · 30/05/2018 11:51

Ps. I think of it a bit like TK maxx now.

Sometimes I go in there every week, look through the racks and there is nothing I want or like. Sometimes there is a lot and I buy quite a bit. Sometimes when I get it home it doesn't quite fit or I changed my mind. So I return it.

But I don't stop going in TK maxx because one time, or a couple, I didn't find something good.