Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

[Iloveworms]

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

He also looked at me in a way that was different to how he used to, there was a tension both of us could feel. We were both going off the path a bit.

So you know how he felt do you? This is so delirious it's actually crazy. Maybe his look back at you was 'why does she stare at me like this, she's so odd.'

If he had replied “yes let’s get it on” I would have said: “no, sorry we both know that is a terrible idea, I really just wanted to know someone liked me”.

You keep telling yourself that hun, honestly the desperation in this thread. You sent the initial message only to see if you could get him. As if you'd have said no if he was interested, even 7 pages in you're still obsessing over everything.

Did he reply?

However I do think we both wonder if we are “exactly “ the right one for each other. I am generally happy with him, love and like him and enjoy his company and our sex life which has improved a lot as the kids are now older. There is just not the fire, the mad desire, nor ever really has been. I selected him for other qualities. I’ve had “fire” with others and I couldn’t live with them.

OP, you really do come across as a bit naïve! There is no such thing as 'exactly the right one for each other', and even if when you first got together with your DH, it was via a passionately sexual affair, that kind of obsessive love does wane into something more manageable over time. It has to. You couldn't bring up children if you were ripping one another's clothes off every evening as soon as you came in the door: 'Go and play with the kitchen knives, darlings! Mummy and Daddy are fucking like crazy wild animals!'

Also, you are comparing the flirtatious uncertainty of the very beginning of a 'forbidden' relationship with the here-and-now of an established marriage with children and responsibilities, which just isn't a fair comparison. By all means work on rekindling things with your husband who sounds like a good guy (and a lot of people would kill for your happy sex life), but even the happiest longterm relationships can't by their nature offer the 'does he or doesn't he? What did that look mean?' butterflies stuff from the beginning of a flirtation. And they can't offer it for the best of reasons, because you know the answer. That person has already committed to you.

Maybe all that has happened is that you've met someone you think that, had circumstances been different, you could have been happily married to. And that's OK. I think it happens to us all. I adore my husband, yet I've certainly met two other men over the last ten years or so that I think I could possibly have been as happy with.

A lot of you mention counselling but I wonder if journaling is not as effective. I would find it a faff to go and talk to someone and blab about myself.

But off loading on your DH and the object of your affections apparently isn’t 🤨. If you put half as much energy in understanding/ resolving your issues, as you’ve put in outsourcing the responsibility, then you wouldn’t be where you are.

I hope his wife finds the texts and breaks your nose because that's what I would do

It was painful to bring this up with DH. I was not doing it to offload on him but because I didn’t want to hide a “near affair”. I do put energy into resolving my issues or I wouldn’t bother reading self help blogs, or coming on here and laying myself bare to negative comments!!

With DH it didn’t start as a passionate love affair but as a friendship and he persuaded me ( by love letters) to take it further. I saw he had very nice qualities for a long term partner but the sex was never really wildly passionate. It was enjoyable but not rip your clothes off multi orgasmic 3 times a night (had that too but with another guy I couldn’t have lived with). We have had some long droughts after the kids were born. We’re now in a great phase and experimenting a bit but I know that the last 6 months I have been more turned on due to (ahem) Mr somebody to look at during the day.

Ah Jeez I suppose we’ll never have it all hey? First world problems an all that.

I need to crack on and look for a new fridge freezer :-)))

It was painful to bring this up with DH. I was not doing it to offload on him but because I didn’t want to hide a “near affair”.

I'm struggling to believe this is real. It wasn't a near affair. The poor sods not even responded to your text.

Either you're making this up and are trolling or you seriously need help.

It really wasnt a near affair OP.
Youre really not helping yourself here. Is this how youre painting it to your DH? Are you telling him that you can feel the attraction is mutual due to the way he looks at you and its a near affair? Its not. You sound bonkers.

It's not a near affair as it's had no participation from your colleague. It's all very one sided and all in your head I'm sorry to say.

I think you need to stop navel gazing and start trying to see the world through others eyes. You don't seem able to see things from other people's perspective (people that are supporting characters in your life story - not people on this thread!)

Oh FFS you lot are even more tedious than me

So it wasn’t a near affair and I should keep important things that are going on in my emotional life secret from my DH and this is all in the aim of what exactly. I wanted this man when I should have been wanting my DH. I thought it was fair to tell DH “HOUSTON: WORMS HAS A PROBLEM”

Besides which any sense that it could have ever been reciprocated was allllll in my head as I am in fact a totally charmless screwed-up selfish bitch whom no man would ever find attractive

I am really sorry how I imagined his teasing behaviour, his standing overly close to me, his looking from my eyes to my mouth, his starting to send unnecessary texts and emails sometimes after hours as getting inappropriate.

Yes I did the wrong thing to send that text.

It seemed to a straightforward girl like me like a way of getting it wrapped up.

But it was a bad idea. I get it.

If his wife saw it I’m truly sorry. But maybe it will get them talking as well. I don’t feel he is completely innocent.

On a side note: It’s annoying that they don’t make enough fridges with that handy meat department and that my only 5 year old one is already breaking down. Hmmmph.

To be fair no one on here knows if the guy is attracted to op or not. He may well have been flirting. However his lack of response suggests he is not interested in taking it any further.

That's what I meant. He may well find OP attractive, but from what she's written on the thread that isn't obvious. We only have this to go off.

Which, to follow on from Nolikey's comment, shows at the very least that, as a married man, he has some integrity.

Self absorbed much?

If his wife saw it I’m truly sorry. But maybe it will get them talking as well

Op, you need to stop. You cannot seriously be thinking you've now done him and his wife a favour and helped their marriage.

You've decided this man was crazy in lust with uou, that you were nearly having an affair you were so close, that you've done him and his wife a service and helped their marriage, that he has only ignored you because that's normal and what you wanted, that you have done the right thing of repeatedly informing your husband of this near affair, that it's his fault for not paying you enougn attention, it's also your mother's as she did this, that this man, the one ignoring you, is secretly loving the fact you have a crush on him, particularly as he fancies you so much.

This may be one of the most deranged threads I've read on mumsnet. I honestly am struggling to believe it's real.😔

Ok yep, Self Absorbed, I got that one on the list earlier but thanks for the reminder!

Delusional Marriage Improver & Attraction Imaginer
Deranged Thread Initiator & Mother-blaming Emotionally Immature Person

• didn’t have those on the list but will add!

Need to go off and tidy my daughter’s bedroom whilst I think about myself a bit more.

After that might just send Mr Crush another text. “Hi hunk fancy coming over for a shag... go ooooorrrnn...you know you want to!”

Mumsnet or; How To Lose The Will To Live On a Self Help Forum

WARNING WARNING BEEeeeep BEEEeeeep

THIS THREAD IS NOW CLOSING DUE TO EXCESSIVE AND THOUGHTLESS INSINCERITY FROM SCANDALOUS AND DELUSIONAL OP

PLEASE KEEP CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS

Worms I’ve pm’d you.

This all made me lol a bit. People are so righteous and boring. OP's made a bit of a dick of herself. Momentarily lost a grip on reality, give her a break. Most people have at sometime or another and if they didn't conversations would be pretty boring. I think you've done pretty well to take the shame and the bashing on here. Definitely agree to just trying to say no more to him but also kudos for admitting it, I'd be hiding under the duvet and denying it - possibly considered hiring a hitman to kill him and destroy the phone too - seems a good solution? Ha. If you were my friend I'm sure we'd of had a great time cringing and laughing about it together. Post back when you bump into him, you've gotta share the cringe x

How embarrassing , you are married and so is he I’d be furious if someone in my work place was putting me in this position . I’d probably report it as sexual harassment if it continued .

I don’t feel he is completely innocent.

It's gets worse. Shame

A crush is an American term. You are not a 14 year old. You are a grown woman who is married. The man you lust after is married. Grow up.

He's probably a serial flirt like that with all women. Have you been to work today OP?

Flirts with everyone???? How can you be so callous. You mean he doesn’t think I am his dream girl, that Special One That He Has Been Looking For All His Life??

Nah, haven’t seen him, on holiday still.
Back tomorrow.

Op no one is saying he doesn't fancy you/like you. But you started the thread saying he doesn't feel the same about you, you described your interactions as totally work related and that he holds eye contact and has banter with everyone including you. You've now done a complete 180 and started describing it as the beginning of an emotional affair when it is not. I think you are uncomfortable with what's happened and are trying to make your actions appear more reasonable to yourself. Honestly you do seem a little troubled over this and I think you'll look back and be wtf over what you were thinking in 6 months time.

We all fancy people, it's human nature. I do not tell my dp about everyone I get hung up over someone because a) it's normal for me to like someone other then my dp and b) it's unnecessarily mean to my dp and would achieve nothing. Similarly I know he probably fancies other people time to time and I don't want to know what who or why because he's done nothing wrong yet I would want to know what's special about them and do I still make him feel that way etc. It would expose us to a fragility that was never there before and for a crush which is inevitable happen several times over, on both sides, during our relationship.

I wouldn't worry too much over going back. Quite often we imagine the most hidiously awkward interaction after a social faux pas but they rarely meet our expectations. I totally agree with others that you should just stick to business and not mention it at all, keep it breezey like you would with any colleague and if he had felt the same way? It's irrelevant, do not discuss it beyond you made a mistake and let's forget about it. But that's only if he broached the subject in a manner of expressing reciprocal feelings.