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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

243 replies

Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 09:43

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

OP posts:
HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 29/04/2018 07:32

Crap. It took an hour to write my first point I mean. Going to drink more coffee and read about better messaging techniques.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 29/04/2018 07:35

And last post.....
What's with all the '"I'm cringing for you Op" what's the point of that. That point has been made on the thread that some people feel embarrassed ( actually you don't, that would be impossible) Is it so important the op will suddenly have a Eureka moment.if you.say that.
Have a word with yourselves.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2018 07:44

Ach this is all bullshit if it's real

The guys been flirting, eye contact, teasing, probably does it with everyone and you sent that text to let him know you were up for it if he was interested and take it a step further.

That's really it in a nutshell. You thought he might be interested so thought you'd text him and see if you could get something going between you.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 29/04/2018 07:55

I agree Bluntness with your statement. If not your blunt delivery . Not everybody reacts well to blunt 😀. Not a criticism of yoI was trying to talk about what she can do so she isn't in the place where events like that text get sent.. Op has already said she recognises that it should not have got to that stage.
Otherwise it will happen again .another pp mentioned the wider family who it will affect too. .my ( now imaginary )DP might not ever cheat but if he received a message like that then I would be worried about consequent actions of both of them.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 29/04/2018 07:56

I dont even necessarily mean that one of them would initiate intimate contact; more if it became "a dirty little secret* iykwim

PetulantPolecat · 29/04/2018 08:47

I was cringing but now I just want to give you a hug. Your self awareness is admirable. Lots of people would need months of expensive help via therapy to be able to reach the same conclusions. So now you know. Time to forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

Original poster
Iloveworms · 29/04/2018 09:10

Hoof, Polecat, you are too kind to me. I needed a little bit of sense bashing. I wanted him badly for a while but knew in my heart it had to stop. I was fishing for attention. Even if he had responded favourably, I would have chickened out. My God can you imagine two married people lying to their families trying to snatch a few minutes behind people’s backs and both feeling awful about it. I could not do it.

I realise I love that dopamine rush from a new man and the power you feel over him when you snag him. I think we may all miss that when we’ve been married a while but these animal instincts are there hiding and they don’t give a shit if you’re married. My body was screaming “good specimen- alert- reproduce-reproduce!” And supplying me with all the brain chemicals to go with it. I needed an ice cold logic shower

Had a nice long discussion with DH. Told him crush had teased me and I was ashamed that he knew. He was very calm about it and we had a discussion about girls here has fancied at work whom I know and I started to talk about Mr Crush’s bad points (messy desk, etc) and how I have this fantasy image of him dressed nicely, work persona. It was a relief to get it out a strengthened our little bond. Then our cuddly DD climbed into bed with us and I realised how lucky I was.

Still, not keen about going back to the office though. What a tit!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iloveworms · 29/04/2018 09:17

Mr Crush is very friendly with everyone and in general makes lots of eye contact, at ease with himself, but his eyes totally mesmerised me. Felt like I had fallen into them. I had to look away often as it was too much. DH is lovely but doesn’t do that. I’ve never been so aware or addicted to someone’s eyes. I’m sure he didn’t fully realise the effect it was having on me. Pathetic but true.

OP posts:
derxa · 29/04/2018 09:32

Best wishes OP. Let's just say I've been there and it's a nightmare.

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 13:59

op I feel like you have stuck your hand in to the fire to get so you don’t do it again ..

You need some self control - and respect.

Draw a line under it a move on

Original poster
Iloveworms · 29/04/2018 16:15

Yes, good metaphor

Self control is a weak point of mine on a Friday at midnight...I should have known better than to send something when my head was tired and turning it all over.

I need to detach myself from this one, probably easiest done by changing jobs.

I still sometimes wonder if I would be better off single. I love my family but I often feel tied down and suffocated by the humdrum of it all. Is this a common feeling?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iloveworms · 29/04/2018 17:09

PS I’ve been thinking about damage limitation when I get back to work in a few days. We will have to be in contact and we will cross paths and I don’t want to get all dramatic about it
Do you think a short sharp email like this is ok?

Xxxx,

Please ignore & delete my totally inappropriate message from Friday evening.

I don’t want to feel I have to avoid you and I want and need to be able to work productively with you.

It would put me at ease if you would reply “ok”, and then completely forget about it.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Essexmummy88 · 29/04/2018 17:19

No I think you should not send anything else and just leave it now!

Annabelle4 · 29/04/2018 17:26

Hmmm, Friday night at midnight?

Maybe he thinks you were after a few glasses of wine were you? and is trying to save you from feeling mortified, that's why he hasn't replied? I think I would do the same thing if I thought I received a drunken text from someone

Annabelle4 · 29/04/2018 17:26

And no, I absolutely would not send another message.

Annabelle4 · 29/04/2018 17:27

In fact, I think you should delete his number, because I think you're quite likely to contact him again in the future

Onlyhavetwohands · 29/04/2018 17:29

Do not contact him again!

sonjadog · 29/04/2018 17:30

Do not send that message. Do not send any message at all. Your plan was to make this embarassing for yourself, remember? Well, now you have to deal with that.

sonjadog · 29/04/2018 17:34

I agree. Delete his number. You really must not message him again. It would be hugely inappropriate.

Original poster
Iloveworms · 29/04/2018 17:40

Whilst I agree in principle about not sending a message, I will have to work with him again.

We will end up in conversation. He has to sometimes sign documents that I generate and give his consent to various works I coordinate. I can’t just “delete his number” as we also need sometimes to call each other about work on it (occasionally but still). It’s not as simple as avoiding each other unless I resign on the spot. And I need to finish my project there or it would look very strange.

So it is my very neutral attempt to draw a line. I thought the wording was not too heavy and would make him realise that I knew it was a mistake and was not hoping for a lovey dovey reply.

I am not inciting some form of banter in any way. And I will be limiting to the minimum my contact.

OP posts:
Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 17:54

iloveworms your trying to engage him again. My ex was like this. You will be the laughing stock of the office it you don’t stop it

He is going to think you are a creepy stalker and cause shit for yourself. Enough of the drama.

sonjadog · 29/04/2018 17:56

Another perspective: He got an unwanted text message from you a few nights ago. It made him feel really awkward as he is married, sees you just as a colleague and now he knows about your feelings, he has to deal with them seriously at work. None of which he would have had to do if you had not sent the text. And now, here is another text message from you about your feelings and what you need him to do to make you feel okay. If I were him, I would start feeling harassed and quite angry. One message can be brushed off, but this new message makes it clear you have been thinking about this all weekend. It takes it to a new level of intensity.

Your obsession with this man is tricking you into thinking contacting him again is a good thing. It really, really isn´t.

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 17:56

Actually your not drawing a line - your still fishing. The minute you stop with the messaging the sooner this goes away. I bet if he is showing people your messages they would be like ‘fuck don’t reply! She sounds weird’

Get a grip.

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 17:58

sonjadog is spot on. Your starting to sound creepy

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 18:00

In fact if I was you I’d phone in sick for a week so he can work in peace and you can try and sort your head out.

I’d be fuming if my dh was having some weirdo at work expecting him to engage in her weird fantasy crush situation