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Original poster

Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

243 replies

Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 09:43

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

OP posts:
greathat · 28/04/2018 11:05

You put this in a work email? Wonder if you'll be called in to see HR on Monday? Harassment?

Original poster
Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 11:07

He won’t show it to anyone and certainly not my boss. It hurt yesterday to be mocked for my feelings and I wanted just to say: look, I know that you know and I am not enjoying this situation, so please help me out here. He is a ‘kind of’ friend as well as a colleague as he has in the past confided difficulties he has had with a mutual colleague.

Admit the choice of words was very poor in hindsight. And I didn’t intend to give him all the power but I see how I have. But definitely I don’t want to send another message now as it will give him the idea that I’m obsessed with him. I will wait it out. I’m on holiday so will be out of sight and mind.

I have an obsessive and impulsive personality type and I have difficulties getting to grips with it. It makes me good at my job in many ways as I apply the same obsession to my task list and push myself really hard. But this crush has spiralled out of control and disturbs me. I just got impatient wanted to do something but did the wrong thing. Live and learn I suppose.

OP posts:
foodiefil · 28/04/2018 11:10

Good that you won't send another message. Act embarrassed but openly and honestly embarrassed when you see him next and hopefully it will move onto the laughing about it stage.

What did you dh say?

JiminyBillyBob · 28/04/2018 11:11

Omg no! You’re mad! What were you thinking I’m cringing for you 😲

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 11:23

What do you mean "mocked for your feelings"

This whole thing is weird. What have you done to make it so clear to him you fancy him? What has he done to mock you?

And yes, if he's the sort to mock you he will probably tell people.

I still can't get past you'd send that to a work colleague so struggle to believe it's real. But if you did it smacks of "I luffs you, do you luff me" and is highly immature like a teenager.

Myheartbelongsto · 28/04/2018 11:24

Scarlet for you op.

NChangeyMcChange · 28/04/2018 11:27

You're handling it well op. I'd want to change my name and my job (and probably continent) after sending that message!

velourvoyageur · 28/04/2018 11:30

Please don't beat yourself up, enjoy your holiday & do see this thread as a good effort made by you to get to grips with aspects of the obsessive/impulsive tendencies you mention, it's good to write things down and reflect, so that's a positive. Can sometimes help though to avoid cementing an idea of ourselves as irreparably obsessive, as it can be a damaging typecast - you could see progress maybe the fact you that recognise it wasn't the best course of action, in that you have created some healthy distance from the situation?

You could also try to rebrand your frame of mind as not obsessed, but just having the same normal level of preoccupation to be expected in any crush. Minimising it it may feel a bit more liberating as it'll seem less like an insurmountable issue but something you can identify workable solutions to. And I think you can safely minimise it without fearing you're leaving important feelings unacknowledged - it's not love (well, I hope), you don't really know him and if he disappears from your life it won't rock your world.

To do this, perhaps try separating out the different elements in your thinking - you may (1) admire him, (2) be worried about what this means for your personal life and only (3) show obsessive behaviour - which derives from currently not having a very clear head due to having to negotiate this combination of admiration & worry, rather than pure obsession - once it comes to trying to find a solution. Just a possible example to show you don't have to see the crush, its implications & the need to problem solve as all equally bound under the 'obsessive thoughts' idea.

You could leave it for now yeah & scope out the situation when you get back. Don't be afraid to have a quick, open talk with him to clarify things (not off the cuff, maybe sort out some mental bullet points).
However, if you sent it on work email (?), you could for your peace of mind send what you would say in a polite and emotionless 'retraction'/clarification of sorts, to leave a paper trail.

POPholditdown · 28/04/2018 11:31

OP are you sure the teasing wasn’t just ‘awkwardly laughing it off’?

I do think however certain you feel, you can’t know 100% that this won’t be mentioned (and embellished) to other people. If he replies at any point , take it slow before reply (ask us if you need to).

Anyway, as you say out of sight out of mind for the next week so hopefully it will die down!

Original poster
Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 12:19

Foodie, That is what I was trying to do accelerate getting to the laughing about it stage. My text can pass off as drunken mistake due to its timing. Despite cringing a bit more at myself (which I was doing anyway because of the teasing) I feel better getting it out, and I’m sure he won’t take it further nor claim harassment.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 12:59

Do you have any female friends op? I think thr other thing that strikes me about this is uou told your husband and uou told the bloke you fancy, which makes me think of attention seeking from men.

You want your husband to know, why to feel jealous? You wanted thr bloke to know for sure and to consider you in that way. You wanted both men's attention.

Do you have a history of attention seeking from men also? Or are you lacking something that would cause you to start to crave it?

Original poster
Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 13:22

No, no female friends nearby who I can talk to this about. So it does turn round in my head.

I told DH not to make him jealous but because one evening it was getting too much keeping this ‘secret’, I started looking upset and he asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was not over the moon and I didn’t want to talk again about it to avoid making him feel bad.

I think I don’t get enough attention from him though and do probably seek it from others. We’ve talked about it but it’s ingrained in him to be reserved.He never flirts with me or anyone else for that matter nor pays me compliments and has even said I shouldn’t wear make up. I need to feel desired though and somehow he can’t quite give it to me. It’s very nearly always me initiating affection and often me initiating sex recently as I want more than him. Fuelled partly by crush and partly a phase.

I work in a male dominated field, Despite that I am mostly very very work focused (even Mr crush comments on that, our discussions are almost always about work).

But I don’t really want attention from anyone else in reality I want it from my DH. I am sad writing this down as I don’t think he will change. We are happy in almost every other aspect but this on has come out of nowhere since I hit 40.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 13:27

This has turned into something more hasn’t it. The whole bloody thing is a symptom of me not getting what I need from DH. There’s no simple solution. I’ve tried telling him but it’s his personality. Really sad today.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 13:28

Ok, that makes sense. You were maybe trying to provoke a reaction from your husband , and I suspect your crush is about the need to feel desired again and attractive, so wanted this mans attention.

However, I will say this gently, this isn't the way to go about it. You need to talk to your husband about your relationship. You're a 40 year old woman telling Male colleagues you've a crush on them and it seems probably behaving inappropriately at work, if he already knew you did.

So speak to your husband and explain it's him and his attention you want and lack of it is making you look elsewhere and you don't want that. Don't threaten him but see if you can both talk it out. Because it's not ok where you are now and what you're doing. At some point you'll have an affair with someone if it's not resolved.

Maybellissimo · 28/04/2018 14:36

No you didn’t do the right thing. The right thing would have been to keep your feelings to yourself and have some respect for your husband and his wife.

SomeKnobend · 28/04/2018 14:42

No, that was totally inappropriate! Did you show your dh what you said to your crush? I doubt it somehow! Now you're blaming him for your behaviour as you're "not getting what you want" from him. The person to talk openly and honestly to about this is dh. Tell him exactly what you need. Get some bloody boundaries and don't talk about your marriage or your crush to this crush guy. Don't talk to him about anything other than necessary work stuff.

KingFlamingo · 28/04/2018 14:43

How would you feel if your DH did all this?
Told you he had a crush on someone at work and then wrote a note to tell her.
You would probably be fuming and feel his note was acting on his feelings by trying to spark something up.

If you get a crush on someone else when married, or on someone else who is married, you ignore it and forget about it. Invest the time in your own marriage instead.

Annabelle4 · 28/04/2018 14:48

Bloody hell OP, that took guts Shock

Has he replied?

Original poster
Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 14:55

I have not talked about my marriage to him or anyone, my interactions with him are work related, but he has still detected my feelings. I want our work relationship to go to a neutral one and I am sure it now will.

Agree it was the “wrong thing” to do but it has put an end to it for me. Maybe the end justifies the means.

I’m not blaming my DH for anything. Just feel sad about things. I’m not sure we’re really right for each other but the good points outweigh the bad.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 28/04/2018 14:55

This was a bad idea and I think you know it but it's done now. Best damage limitation is to ignore it and pretend it never happened.

I would be very worried because this is at work that he may make a harassment complaint.

What would you do if he raises it at work and says because of this email he now feels very uncomfortable working with you?

Platterheed · 28/04/2018 15:10

OP. Is this guy George Clooney? He has dealt with this well with another colleague - I got that right?

And you think he won’t tell anyone?

And you’re on holiday now but sent this?

You’ve told your husband?

This is not a crush. This is something else. Like others have said, you’re hoping for his attention.

Your poor DH. You maybe need to have a good hard honest think about why you’re doing this to yourself.

Good luck though. I do stupid stuff all the time by the way, but work colleagues are out of the question.

Don’t screw the crew, or in this case, don’t subtly try to screw the crew.

Original poster
Iloveworms · 28/04/2018 15:12

It was a text not an email. I think the risk is low. I know him, he knows and likes me as a person. He will laugh it off in all likelihood and also laugh at my seriousness. And then get on with things. We don’t see each other that much. He works in another building quite a walk away. To be honest I think he would tease me relentlessly if anything, sort of like a big brother, and he is very lighthearted about everything. He has suspected for a while and seems to be enjoying it if anything. But it’s become torturous for me...

OP posts:
DamsonOnThisDress · 28/04/2018 15:21

You sound lovely. Very honest. Probably to a fault but I like that.

Never worry about Mr Crush. It's done. Brazen it out. If it comes up just laugh it off deprecatingly as a drunken eejit text.

I like your line that you were trying to move it on to the laugh at it stage to move on. Use that. "Ah here, the text? Sorry about that, pay no heed. I had a bit too much. Wanted to get it to the laugh at it stage cos it's ridiculous. Ha ha. Completely ridiculous. Anyway has the... [move breezily on to something work related]."

And leave it there. You will eventually get over the embarrassment. Not the worst thing in the world.

I think you know the crush thing is nothing compared to what's going on with your DH. Focus on that. I really hope you can get somewhere there. It's awful to feel lonely in a relationship.

Figgygal · 28/04/2018 15:24

Oh god I'm mortified for you
Focus on sorting things with your husband and stay away from this other guy as much as you can if he's taking the piss out of you he's not much of a friend either. Just stay away from him

SeriousChutzpah · 28/04/2018 15:28

He has suspected for a while and seems to be enjoying it if anything. But it’s become torturous for me...

He still doesn't sound at all nice to me, OP. Look after yourself, and don't panic. The feelings will fade, without you having to do anything.