Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

[Iloveworms]

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

I was planning to send this by email not text. I’m honestly not trying to engage him though. I’m giving him the shortest possible answer to draw a line as I don’t want to feel him or me to feel awkward when we next meet. It’s hardly an emotional message.

You've already drawn a line. He didn't respond. I mean this nicely but - leave him alone.

You come across as really insightful, use your brain!

Your obsession with this man is tricking you into thinking contacting him again is a good thing. It really, really isn´t.

This ^

But he doesn't know that OP. He might read your email as another invitation to engage with you.
Honestly, don't do it.

He didn’t reply because he doesn’t want to engage with you. It’s not fair on him to message him again.

Come on, you know sending by email is exactly the same as sending it by text. It isn´t the electronic communication method that matters...

With your original text you were going on about how you didn't want him to reply, and he didn´t. So now you want a one word reply as you are desperate for his acknowledgement. But you don't really want one word, you want a conversation about it with him. Really, you are fooling no-one but yourself here.

I don’t want to feel I have to avoid you and I want and need to be able to work productively with you

It’s all about you.

You have probably made him really uncomfortable awkward, if he has told his wife she may have taken it the wrong way.

How about thinking of the impact your having on him - rather than you.

He does not owe you a reply or an ‘ok’

You crossed the line went you declared your feeling about him. He may feel it’s entirely unprovoked as you seen blinkered to how you are behaving - you may jace just imagined how he is in work.

Back off as you may get in trouble at work.

Leave him alone

Think you need to start looking for a new job Op.

What were you thinking you daft old brush?

Ok will cogitate over this one. The last thing I want to do now is come across as stalking. I know he respects and appreciates me professionally and we know each other quite well. To the point I feel comfortable saying: I’ve been an arse, sorry, let’s forget it.

You’re making a show of yourself.

You sound like a stalker and if he was posting here people would genuinely tell him to inform the police if you sent another message, just in case you escalated it.

THAT’S how insane you’re sounding.

Stop trying to engage him. Stop trying to pretend that you’re not.

Cringeworthy, unprofessional and disrespectful to your partner. Get a grip!

I don’t want to feel I have to avoid you and I want and need to be able to work productively with you

And that is actually really manipulating.

Basically saying - you don’t return the feelings I have so now you have to make it easy for me to be around you.

He isn’t at fault you are.

Or you’ll be in trouble for sexual harassment.

Don't go digging that hole even deeper.
Personally I would not have sent that text. You have so there is no point in spending time worrying about the why's and wherefores. Instead think about why you wanted to send it. Did you want him to be flattered ? Had you hoped for a fwb situation ? What was there to be gained by sending this ?

I really don’t want to re engage in personal contact. I am totally sincere when I say that. Honestly. WE will need to re engage in professional contact. Also he is a light hearted person and I’m guessing quite forgiving. If I don’t send anything to wipe things clean I’m concerned he’ll think the text was sincere. I want him to know I realise I’ve been an idiot and want to advance quickly to the laugh it off stage.
I dunno. In two minds now.

There is no WE. He hasn’t done anything and shouldn’t have to chat about easing you you back in.

YOU just need to get your head down in work and stop being a pest.

If I was him I’d be really reluctant in giving you a clean slate because some people —you— would actually see that as him liking you. He is perfectly with in his rights to go cold with you now to scare you off.

I’ve just re read what you sent him on Friday and I find it really manipulating. Sorry but I’d be really upset if I was his wife. Your bang out of order. He is married and you basically offered yourself up.

I’d be looking for a new job.

If you contact him again regarding this, you’ll be showing that it/he has been on your mind since Friday. I think it will come across as though you have been stewing at his lack of reply.

As it stands, you can clutch at straws and hope he’s going to pass the text off as a drunken mishap. He hasn’t responded as he’s probably hoping it can be brushed under the carpet.

Surely if hes as lighthearted as you believe he is, he would have replied to ‘tease’ you like he normally does.
If you continue to contact him out of work, you will just make things much more awkward than they need to be. Just leave it alone OP.

You don´t need to reengage in professional contact right now this evening. You can leave it until next time you see him, start talking about something to do with work, and never mention it again. That is how someone who isn´t obsessed would do it.

You seem to have a romantic film playing in your head staring him and you in which you have all his responses and behaviour planned out. He doesn't have the same script as you, and he is unlikely to respond as you see him doing in your head. You really don't know anything about what he thinks now, what he wants to happen next, what his feelings about this situation are. Just leave him alone.

You’ve actively tried to ruin some ones family. You should be ashamed of yourself

Ok will do

I'd pretend nothing has happened - no more messages, just be yourself but with no reaction to him.

I'm interested that you said the mission was almost over. I'm assuming from that that your overseas? Also you said you've no close friends around you?
I think those are both real risk factors for wanting some closeness, and I imagine issues like this are really common on mission trips overseas. As well as your marriage I think some strong female friendships would help you get bits of the closeness you are craving.

And what happens if you send this email and he doesn't reply with 'Ok'. ?
You'll feel a thousand times more embarrassed than you do now, and you'll make the situation even more awkward than it already is.

Leave him alone. Do not text him any further. Leave it.

Stop badgering him.

I was once on the other side of this, with someone who I'd never seen as anything other than a friend.

It made me feel like shit.

In wanting to be 'open', they made it into a thing and I ended up feeling almost complicit in something, as there was now an 'us'.

Awful memories and I never thought of that person in the same way ever again.

I live permanently overseas and do miss friends from home. Have not had time with kids and work really to cultivate new friendships.
By mission I was recruited for a particular project and it’s nearly complete. So I will leave at some point but stay here and work somewhere new. I am using there word for it. This is not an English speaking country.