Did I do the right thing to tell my crush openly?

[Iloveworms]

Happily Married with 2DCs and early forties. Over the last 6 months a huge crush has developed on a colleague who I have to regularly work with but don’t sit anywhere near him fortunately. I told DH about it, but it hasn’t really killed it. Crush (married) has noticed my unnecessary attention to him and glances across the room. He is a really funny nice person but has now started to tease me about it. I am now totally embarrassed and decided to take the plunge and tell him openly to get him to put me off. This is what I wrote:

Xxxx, it is really frustrating & embarrassing to have these feelings for you. I know it will disappear at some point..but maybe writing it down like this will kill it more quickly. So please, go ahead and do what you think you should (ignore me, embarrass me, tell me about your bad points :-) so I can go back to how I used to see you, just a nice person and colleague. I’m sorry for being very annoying... Have a nice weekend with your family.

Did I do the right thing? I feel better now as it is out and when I am next at work I know I will be so embarrassed I will avoid him as much as I can. I’m hoping the huge embarrassment will kill it for me. It was getting too much.

Just curious to know your experiences if you’ve ever done this and wanted to get it off my chest. Of course he hasn’t responded which is what I expected and is definitely best.

Ok point taken.
Will just let the whole thing lie and stay superficially friendly and professional.

I think knowing him he’s shaking his head and not taking this too seriously. He did already know I had feelings. But, as advised, won’t bug him anymore.

Someone said she went from crush to friends and now laughs about it. That is the scenario I am hoping for, if I stay longer than planned. If it’s too awkward I will go into avoidance mode and end the contract. I think for now I just need to let it ALL DIE DOWN. And stop trying to control the outcomes. Thanks for all the advice.

You don’t actually know him at all! He won’t become your friend: he is a colleague to whom you have stared at and sent an inappropriate message.

Seek friends you don’t find attractive.

The more you post, the clear it becomes just how obsessive you are.

I think your thought patterns and behaviours are deeply unhealthy. I think you should get counselling to address it.

What were/are your parents like? How did they treat you when you were growing up?

You asked about self help books. There’s one I read recently that you might find useful, called ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. There might be others that are better for your particular history and personality. But just thought I’d mention it.

*clearer

Utterly pathetic

My parents: a couple of things spring to mind. My Dad had an explosive temper but was a very responsible person and faithful to my mum. I found him immature at times during their arguments. My mum was also responsible and stable but has always needed admiration from my dad and since he died, other men. I probably “inherited” the need but actually didn’t properly identify it as such nor really end up with a partner who met it. But I have been with DH many years and not felt the lack of it until recently.
I’d say I was quite obsessive as well but only had myself as a frame of reference so didn’t feel abnormal. I tend to overthink overanalyse and not let go. But I am aware of these tendencies. Can see that this infatuation was a stupid mistake and that I need to let the whole thing lie. Feel rubbish.

For the love of god op don't send him another message. I agree with previous posters, you're moving into scarey stalker women territory. You only want to send it because he's not responded

I suspect he had no idea you fancied him and had not given you a second thought, he's just naturally jokey and flirty.. You've now behaved hugely inappropriately and clearly his non response has you flustered as you thought he would respond,and now you just want him to tell uou it's ok.

You're acting like you know this guy inside out. You don't. You're not even in the same building. You're not personal mates who hang out after work. You've created this whole fantasy in your head.

You need to back off and not contact him like this again. For your own sake.

I said up the thread that I once had a (possibly mutual) attraction with a colleague, both of us married, and that it eventually subsided into a lasting friendship — but we certainly never laughed about it. In fact we never mentioned it at all, at the time or afterwards. It was actually intensely painful for a while, but it never occurred to me that it was my colleague’s ‘job’ to cure me of my feelings.

Inevitably, unless you live down a well, you’ll meet other people you could have had a happy relationship with or married.

If he is the kind of guy that would shake his head laughing - why hasn’t he messaged you back laughing.

He is clearly not happy you sent that message

He is clearly not happy you sent that message

Agree and I think thr op knows it, hence her desire to send another one asking for a response ....basically wanting reassurance she hasn't caused a problem.

I think I'd also be worried she went off email and moved this to personal text when she sent it, and she sent it, what, at midnight on Friday night? His wife or kids may well have read it first. If he leaves his phone lying round or if they heard it beep at midnight and she went to check or if his kids or her saw it in the morning. Many phones the text comes up on the lock screen.

The nil response tells us they are not friends and her message was not welcome or acceptable to him. She has imagined a relationship that doesn't exist

There is also a chance she's caused him a problem at home, because who is going to believe a grown woman and work colleague would do this. You'd suspect your husband had slept with her and that's why she had feelings. If you discussed and believed he hadn't, you'd think it was a nutter and insist he reports it to have it on record for his own protection. To both his management and HR.

She needs to accept she's made a terrible mistake and back away from it and him.

I honestly can't understand why a woman of your age thought telling him would be the right thing to do which makes me think this may be a mental health issue.

If an adult has a crush wouldn't they just normally laugh if people teased them and then stop staring. It's as if in your head he's connected to you when he isn't.

You do need to be careful op. I do understand how difficult crushes can be but I've been on the receiving end of something similar recently and it's been really difficult.
I received messages like the one you have sent and if I am honest I really resented them. I hadn't done anything other than be myself and treat the person like I do everyone at work, which it sounds like is the same for your colleague towards you. I resented being made to feel responsible for having to deal with someone else's feelings and the awkwardness at work that came with that when I did nothing wrong. It made me uncomfortable at work (the messages specifically and the fact he seemed to be wanting me to fix it for him) which I ended up feeling quite angry about given it was his issue and not mine. Be careful you don't alienate this man if you need to work with him - it's had a lasting effect on my working relationship and made me think twice about just normal interaction in case it's misinterpreted and the messages start again.
You are doing the right thing by backing off completely and giving him a wide berth I think, that is what I wanted to happen. I know you still have to have professional contact with him but do keep it to that it shouldn't be something that impacts his working life.

While you're in reflective mode, here's something I noticed from your 2nd text (that you thankfully didn't send!)

I don’t want to feel I have to avoid you and I want and need to be able to work productively with you.

It would put me at ease if you would reply “ok”, and then completely forget about it.

This is all about your feelings and your needs, and making him responsible for them.

You are asking him to act in a way you want him to, to make you feel better. Why are you doing this? Why do you feel he owes you anything (in reality he doesn't).

It is wholly inappropriate to ask him to do anything - even as simply as replying OK, to make you feel better. It's quite controlling, don't you think? And objectifying also, as nowhere do you consider his feelings, it's all about you.

YOU need to make you feel better, not him. Not his job.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I mean it kindly, honest.

So, what are you going to do to make you feel better and move on, that doesn't involve him in any way?

Are you doing counselling? I think it might help you understand why this is happening.

Point taken. Will back off totally and focus on getting the job done well.
Should not have let it get to this but think it will be ok after dust has settled
As you have rightly pointed out he’s not responsible for my feelings, I am.
Silly bugger.

Will read up on obsessive impulsive personality and how to better deal with them.

I also need to find a way to either fulfill or surpress my desire for male attention. I don’t just “flirt with everyone” though. I really fancied him and wanted him to do the same, I craved the idea of being desired by a man I fancy hugely. Don’t get it from DH. Never fancied him “hugely” (although I do fancy him) nor get that desired feeling from him.

To be honest this was the very beginning of an EA. The last few text messages and email exchanges were personal, and on Thursday night he replied at 11pm to a jokey text of mine sent at 6.30pm. It wasn’t a flirtatious reply but he didn’t need to reply at all. That’s not normal is it. He also looked at me in a way that was different to how he used to, there was a tension both of us could feel. We were both going off the path a bit.

Had another frank discussion with DH last night. I am using the whole “crisis “ to push the communication between again. We have let kids and busy jobs get in the way of our emotional intimacy.

I gave too much headspace to this man because it was addictive. I need to channel my mental energy elsewhere.

I also need to be less self absorbed. I think that is the hardest of all.

A lot of you mention counselling but I wonder if journaling is not as effective. I would find it a faff to go and talk to someone and blab about myself. I know I’m blabbing on here but it’s from the comfort and convenience of home. Thanks for your contributions. Some of you have been very very sweet. I am surprised at the generosity of strangers with their advice to help solve others problems. It’s really a nice thing about forums like these.

I think you need to stop trying to interpret the way he looks at you, this is all more than likely not the way youre seeing it - if it was then he'd have replied to your midnight text.
The fact that he replied to one of your other texts the other night still doesnt mean anything either he may have felt like he should have replied something as to not upset you and as you say it wasnt flirtatious but the fact still stands that he didnt reply to your confession text, not even to laugh it off - nothing. Its going to be better for you to move on to see the facts and stop thinking that there was a possibility etc.
Also, i appreciate that youre not painting him perfectly here but i feel for your DH. If there was a thread on here from a woman saying their husband wouldnt stop telling them how much he fancied a woman at work, he was texting her confessing her feelings etc, can you imagine how many replies would say LTB?! I dont think its going to help your DHs intimacy and desire if you keep telling him how much you fancy someone else.

“A lot of you mention counselling but I wonder if journaling is not as effective. I would find it a faff to go and talk to someone and blab about myself. I know I’m blabbing on here but it’s from the comfort and convenience of home.”

I’m guessing you’ve never had counselling before, or if you have then it wasn’t the right type/counsellor for you. How else could you think that journaling could be just as effective?!

Self help books, journals and Mumsnet are all very well. None of them involve having to step out of your comfort zone and open up to a professional, face to face, about your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. None of them will give you the one-to-one support to change that a professional can.

But I wonder if you don’t really want to change?

You’re still obsessing about this stupid guy in every single post, 7 pages in and counting. It sounds to me as if he was flirting with you - he might have been enjoying the attention or just bored, who knows - but who cares?! Either way he’s not your friend. You’ve said yourself that the person you really want attention from is husband. So focus on fixing that - and your fucked up head (sorry but it is) - and forget this guy. Train yourself not to. Find distraction techniques or something.

I think it’s normal he didn’t reply to the confession text. I told him to ignore me. I was acknowledging that I think there was something going off the rails albeit in the wrong way. I trust my instincts and don’t think I imagined the connection that was forming but that doesn’t really matter, I shouldn’t have sent the text.

DH told me it hurts but he appreciates my honesty. I felt it was far better than the alternative that was forming: continue to hide it from him and act on it. Do you split up a family because one partner acknowledged their feelings to an unavailable person with whom they will never have a relationship. I feel bad for what I have done and I have apologised to him sincerely

I was stupid and impulsive but deep down I didn’t want it to go further. I tried in a fucked up way to stop myself going down a wrong path. If he had replied “yes let’s get it on” I would have said: “no, sorry we both know that is a terrible idea, I really just wanted to know someone liked me”. I knew the message would make things awkward and I knew my pride would then stop me making a further fool of myself.

Splitting up an otherwise good relationship is not the path of least harm. I will make it up with DH.

However I do think we both wonder if we are “exactly “ the right one for each other. I am generally happy with him, love and like him and enjoy his company and our sex life which has improved a lot as the kids are now older. There is just not the fire, the mad desire, nor ever really has been. I selected him for other qualities. I’ve had “fire” with others and I couldn’t live with them.

He also looked at me in a way that was different to how he used to, there was a tension both of us could feel. We were both going off the path a bit

Op, I mean this gently, but his nil response would indicate this was just you and a fantasy in your head. I'm really sorry.

It seems you've misinterpreted friendly banter to mean something else. And him responding to your texts is normal. I respond to emails and texts from colleagues at all hours. What's not normal is one of them thinking it means I fancy them.

Good luck at work today, stop talking to your husband about him, its weird and obsessive, and try to maintain a professional front today round this man.

This made me cringe for you .

I cringed for you when you described his wife as insecure , I cringed for you when you say you are using this absurd behaviour to improve your own marriage communication .

All you've done in blind pursuit to have everyone meet your needs is to change the dynamics of your interactions/ relationship with your colleague and your OH .

The problem with trying to making a crush into a reality is , it sets of a change of events in other people .

You have damaged the working relationship with your colleague and you have changed the relationship with your OH .

You are being very naive to assume that you can say /do/behave as you like and it doesn't have any affect on the people involved.

If my OH /work colleague did what you did , it would change my perception of them and would start me to get things in place to protect myself .

Listen - you've had lots of good advice here, 24 hours of it infact, yet you come on here this morning and your still harping on like this is a missed opportunity. THIS MAN is married, likewise you. Let it go,move on, grow up,get over yourself , take up a hobby,go for a walk. Do anything but feel the need to fine tooth comb your mistake of sending a text. It's done, you can't turn back the clock but you can act like a grown up.

OP you will be fine. Clearly this person knows you well enough for all this to blow over after the initial embarrassment, which will be on both sides. Like everyone else on here ( ) he's probably going to be quite taken aback by your straightforward approach to things!

This thread has given me a giggle I must admit. You're clearly quite an unusual character, OP. It's been quite amusing to see the usual AIBU troop getting increasingly infuriated as their coos of 'oooh scarlet for you!' and the pages of psycho-deconstructing continue to have absolutely no effect on you.

I don't think you meant anything other than what you meant, you're just quite unusually immune to all the potential subtext. Which is a bit tricky in situations like this.

Yep don't contact him again, just ride it out. I think Mr Cocky Crush probably got quite a shock with that text. He was probably shaping up for weeks of enjoyable semi-flirty teasing and you've just rather killed it stone dead. Good.

FizzyGreen
Aaahhh, You finally got me and the situation. Including the way Mr Quite Enjoying Watching My Female Colleague Crushing On Me.
What a pickle my big mouth gets me into.
Will be riding it out and leaving well alone.
I am a tactless plonker though!!
Thanks for making me smile.